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Should I stay or shuld i go?

mimmi

By mimmi
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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mimmi New Member

mimmi

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I've been married for six years (my second marriage and I'm now 48 years old). My husband is a good person, but he is so different from what I really want and need. He never cared about having a firm ground to stand on - he was poor as a church-rat when I married him. I met him over the net, visited and fell in love - came back and married - (to quickly) because of the reason that I was from another country and had to do s to be able to stay.

Now we have a mortgage, carpayments, boats and all he ever wanted but never accomplished.

 

Over the years he has been complaining about the way I cook, clean and different things. It was just not the way he was used to. If I used the vacuumcleaner 20 minutes a week he was extremely disturbed about that if it happened to wake him up or interrupt a tv-show. I am working full time too so I don't have much choice. When he one time asked me (that was after two years with him) - "Are you happy?" and I decided to be honest and answered - "I don't feel happy" He started to yell and curse at me?!

 

I have stayed with him though, knowing that he's a good person at heart, but my problem is that I don't think I love him anymore. He has been criticizing me too much We have had discussions about that and I haven't said that I love him for I don’t know how long now. He wants to persuade me that he loves me, and he tells me so almost every day now after that I have told him I probably would be better off without him. He wants to persuade me that we’re to old to start something new (he’s three years younger than me) I think he is afraid of - not loosing me, but everything that comes with me.

 

My work includes a lot of men and sometimes they find me attractive. Usually I do not respond and haven’t done so earlier, but this last time I almost did, and it worries me. It was just luck and physical distance that made nothing happen. I do want – and need a sexlife – but my husband is no longer attractive to me. I am so tempted to find it elsewhere and I don’t know what to do………

kellydontwanttasleep Established Member

kellydontwanttasleep

Posted
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don't just leave run and run fast. don't let the rest of your life go to waste. you have more years to live and be happy. every one who's alive has a good heart, at least good enough to keep beating, but you need someone who has already built a foundation and is relaxed and ready to enjoy life with you.

Pookette Established Member

Pookette

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My husband is a good person, but he is so different from what I really want and need.

 

When you married him, what were the qualities in him that attracted you to him? Did you marry him just so you could stay in the country? What I'm trying to get to here is: could you remember those good qualities he has and try to ignore some of the not-so good things?

 

It was just not the way he was used to.

 

Marriages do change over time. I'm sure you realize this having been married before.

 

When he one time asked me (that was after two years with him) - "Are you happy?" and I decided to be honest and answered - "I don't feel happy" He started to yell and curse at me?!

 

Were you honest with him about why you weren't happy? You must have had these thoughts for quite some time, so have you taken steps to try to work things out with him, like counseling or talking with clergy?

 

I guess subconsciously you already know you might leave him, I'm just wondering why this has been prolonged...

Now I don't know the whole story, especially his side, so I don't want to seem overly critical. I'm just not getting any clues from your post, other than you've had conversations with him, that you've both tried to work things out. Maybe some more information would be helpful...

MassiveAtom Established Member

MassiveAtom

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Stay long enough so that you can truthfully say that you made the decision without out being driven by irrational emotional turmoil; That you have carefully thought out all of the forces that impact your relationship with him; that EVERYTHING is out on the table, and that you want to make the effort to rebuild the realtionship in full view of all it truly requires.

 

If so. Hang on. It's a hell of a ride.

 

If not. Hang on! It's a hell of a ride too.

 

In either case, forgive yourself first for what ever is troubling you. Work to understand yourself a best you can, be compassionate and don't "Beat yourself up" about anything, and that kindness will energize you.

 

Than do the same for your S.O.

 

Best wishes, and take care.

 

mA

Moose Established Member

Moose

Posted
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Originally posted by kellydontwanttasleep

don't just leave run and run fast. don't let the rest of your life go to waste. you have more years to live and be happy. every one who's alive has a good heart, at least good enough to keep beating, but you need someone who has already built a foundation and is relaxed and ready to enjoy life with you.

 

Kelly,

 

Is that you in your avatar? If so, wow! You're such a hottie! Very beatiful!! Anyways, why is it that everytime I see one of your posts it's alway get away, leave him, don't look back, yada, yada? Don't you believe in working things out? I mean, really, if I were involved with you, I would do anything I could to make you WANT to stay......I don't think I'd ever get over not seeing you're beatiful face again.

 

Then again, if this is your attitude, you could be too selfish and self centered for my taste. I would want someone willing to work at our relationship, and to deal with the short comings rather than run away.

 

As for the original post, she used this man to stay in the country, and now that things aren't what she WANTED them to be, she's wanting to run away from it. Sounds like another selfish attitude.

 

Better for her to set him down and discuss the problems she's having and work on it. It'll not only save the marriage, but make it stronger and ultimatley she could find hapiness again.

 

Anything worth doing takes a lot of hard work.

Mrs. Moose Member

Mrs. Moose

Posted
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Watch it MR!!! You might be on the couch tonight~!

Moose Established Member

Moose

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Aw great!! Hey hun!! Cool avatar!

Naive Established Member

Naive

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Originally posted by Mrs. Moose

Watch it MR!!! You might be on the couch tonight~!

 

 

Originally posted by Moose

Aw great!! Hey hun!! Cool avatar!

 

Do you guys know each other or is this a coincidence?

Pookette Established Member

Pookette

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My guess is Mrs. Moose is just what her name suggests. ;)

Moose Established Member

Moose

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No coincidence, she's the BETTER half.

VivianLee Established Member

VivianLee

Posted
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Originally posted by Moose

Aw great!! Hey hun!! Cool avatar!

 

Hey Mrs. Moose!!! I love your avatar, from one of my favorite movies!! (okay I may be a southern belle but I love it when chicks fight back!!) ;)

Moose Established Member

Moose

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She did that cause I LOVE UMA!!!! ( Although she's not the male lovin' kind ) .....and I put one of her fav's up for her.....my face wasn't cuttin' it! hehe

Mrs. Moose Member

Mrs. Moose

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Oh MOOSE!! Stop it!

MassiveAtom Established Member

MassiveAtom

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Alright you two, either get back on topic or go get a room! :)

 

Hi Mrs. Moose. You are one lucky lady! That Moose fella is a great guy!

 

And for him to be so great, you have to be amazing!

 

So Mimi have you given it some thought?

 

I was close to throwing in the towel as recently as last week. Things can change suddenly. Sometimes it takes a while though. But you have to be open to it.

 

mA

Ladyjane14 Established Member

Ladyjane14

Posted
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I was close to throwing in the towel as recently as last week.

 

Sounds like things are going better. Glad to hear it! :) Any positive news to share?

Moose Established Member

Moose

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MA,

Thanks for the compliment......so what is it that makes you feel so good after a session? Can I take a shot at it?

 

1. You're realizing that you're actually a normal guy.

 

2. You know that it's entirely not your fault.

 

3. You can finally picture a future with your wife.

 

Any one of these close?

 

Thanks

MassiveAtom Established Member

MassiveAtom

Posted
Posted

LadyJane,

Sounds like things are going better.

Things ARE improving. :)

 

Moose,

.....so what is it that makes you feel so good after a session? Can I take a shot at it?

 

1. You're realizing that you're actually a normal guy.

2. You know that it's entirely not your fault.

3. You can finally picture a future with your wife.

Any one of these close?

 

Stop it! you're so accurate it's creepy. :)

 

Maybe I'll start a good news thread, but it's too soon to tell.

 

Or Maybe a PM.

 

mA

 

;)

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