stillintoyou Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 This is going to be so long - I apologize. If you think it would be more helpful for me to try to summarize this, let me know and I will. I just thought it might be more effective if everyone knew the whole story first, but I'm so sorry it's the length of a novel. Let me start off by saying that my boyfriend and I have different ideas about what we think is "fun". He likes to party and I prefer to stay at home. Though we are both underage, he likes to drink and smoke hookah, as well as pot. I, on the other hand, am entirely against all three, marijuana being the one I disagree with the most. When I first met my boyfriend (we'll call him Nathan), he was in a frat and drank all the time. After he got kicked out of his frat, he quit drinking for about two months and during those two months was when he and I started to get to know each other. We started dating in April of last year and all was well. During the summer, we split up to go to our homes. We live seven hours apart, so we only saw each other once during the break. When we reunited for school again, we were going to be living together with two others in an apartment. Things started out fine, and then one day he randomly asked me how I would feel if he smoked pot. I told him that I wasn't okay with it, but that I'd talk to him about it more later (I was flustered because it came out of nowhere and I couldn't think straight because of that). He said okay, and then shortly left to take some of his friends home. The next evening, one of the friends he had taken home was over and let slip that he had "a great time getting high with [my boyfriend] last night." That started a huge fight between Nathan and I because not only had I JUST told him that I wasn't okay with him smoking, but he also ended up telling me that he'd been smoking pot for our entire relationship and I had absolutely no idea. After crying and arguing for a few hours, he told me he would stop smoking pot. This was all in October, by the way. Fast forward to April of this year. Nathan's behavior at this point had become very peculiar. It lasted for about a week and a half, and then he went back to normal. During that week, I thought I was dating a new person: He did not pay attention to anything (he asked three times when dinner was one night); he would start arguments about something that was his fault, but he didn't remember doing said thing; he would refuse to apologize; he got extremely overreactive and VERY pissed off when I got upset that he didn't listen to me. He was behaving so oddly, and all I could think of was that he started smoking again or was doing some other drug (which would not have surprised me because he has done mushrooms and MDA). Now, let me tell you that Nathan is extremely addicted and obsessed with Super Smash Brothers, so much so that he will occasionally put it before me. Every Friday, he goes over to his friend Paul's house. There, a bunch of people who play the game all get together and play and drink alcohol. On the twentieth (that's 4/20, just to clarify), Nathan said he was going to go back over to Paul's, even though it was a Saturday and he had been there all through the night. I thought about how Nathan's behavior had changed, and decided to ask him if all they did at Paul's was play smash and drink. He said no, that they all smoke hookah on occasion and play cards sometimes. He then asked if I was worried if he was smoking pot because it was 4/20. I said I was and he said, "I'm not going to smoke pot. You have nothing to worry about." The following day, I was attempting to set up a new ringtone for Nathan and saw a text that was from him asking one of his friends if they should invite another friend to smoke. I asked him about it and he claimed that only the first friend was smoking and that the second friend was sitting in a corner and he thought the second friend was feeling left out. He gave a big explanation and a million excuses that didn't make sense followed. I called him out on it and he got angry. He yelled at me and said I was wrong and eventually left to go on a walk. An hour passed and he hadn't come back home. It was about 5 in the morning at this point. I texted him, asking if he was okay, and not five minutes later, he walked in the door. I jokingly asked if he was just waiting outside until I checked up on him and he said yes, because he was trying to avoid talking to me. I asked what that meant and when he didn't respond, I asked, "Are you confessing something?" and he nodded. That night/morning, he confessed to have smoked a handful of times since he said he would stop in October. He also then confessed that he had been smoking pot that night, which pissed me off the most considering hours before he smoked, he PROMISED me he wasn't going to. I made him leave and I thought for the longest time about what I was going to do. I love Nathan so much, I really do, so I decided to give him another chance, but this time, I told him that in order for us to stay in a relationship, he was not going to be able to go over to Paul's house anymore seeing as he confessed that that was where he had been smoking. Now, I gave him an option. I told him we could break up, but if he really wanted to be with me and he thought I was worth it, that I would be okay staying with him as long as he stayed away from Paul's. I gave him an hour to think about it so he could thoroughly weigh his options and he decided that he wanted to keep our relationship going. A day passes and he starts complaining that he's going to lose all of his friends because Paul's place is the "hangout spot" and if he can't go there, then he'll never see his friends again. So I told him that I could not think of any alternatives seeing as I could not trust him, but told him that I would gladly hear him out if he could think of anything. This upset him and he explained that it was impossible for him to think of an alternative because "[i'm] the one with the problem" and he thinks smoking weed is totally okay. So, I thought and I thought and the only other option I could think of was that he could go to Paul's for a total of 2-3 hours at a time during the day and he could go to his Friday parties, but I had to go with him. At first he fought really hard for that not to happen, but then eventually agreed to it. Two days passed and it was Friday. I went with him, like we had planned, and he hated it. He hated everything about that night. He usually stays there for about 10 hours (I'm not kidding. He gets there at six and comes home anywhere between 3 and 6), but I asked if we could go home at 1:30. He said sure, but on the way home, he yelled at me. He said I was trying to control him and that he was angry because everyone knew he was being "babysat" and that he was so uncomfortable being there since I was around. He asked what would happen if he went back to the party and I told him that nothing good would come from it in terms of our relationship. Our "talk" continued when we got home. I say "talk" because I was trying to discuss things with him, but he instead only bullied me. All he did was get nit-picky about my word choice and he continuously attacked me, saying that I was illogical and nothing that I was saying made any sense. He made me so emotional that I told him to leave. I assumed he went on a walk, but after an hour had passed, I knew he went back to the party. When he came home, he apologized and said that he had just been extremely frustrated about our situation and lashed out at me. But to me, that in no way justified his actions. I had never been so hurt in my life and it hurt a million times more to know that the one person who has ever bullied me was my boyfriend. I eventually came to the conclusion that I would try ONE LAST TIME to work things out with Nathan. He and I agreed that we could compromise by buying at-home drug tests and I could test him whenever I thought it was necessary (his idea). I bought a three-pack and they arrived recently, however, they stated that if the test comes back positive, you have to actually mail it out to a lab to get a definite answer because it may be a false positive. So, basically, to me, the drug tests are useless, but there is LITERALLY no other alternative to breaking up that I can think of - and none that Nathan can think of because he refuses to come up with anything. I don't know whether to tell him about how dumb the tests are because if I tell him that I want to return them, he'll get angry because that means that he can't go to Fridays like normal anymore since I won't be able to test him, but if I don't tell him, then what am I suppose to do? I'll still be paranoid as hell because I will never have any way to determine whether or not he's been smoking. I want to make sure it's clear that Nathan is actually fine with giving up pot. He has expressed that is 100% okay with quitting. Granted, he said that the first time and ended up lying to me about it, but he has voiced yet again that he has no problem with quitting. In general, I honestly think this entire situation is stupid. I hate that it's come down to this. I feel like his mother more than anything and he has 100% been acting like a child. However, I love Nathan so much and I don't really want to let him go. I just don't know what to do anymore.
CryForNoOne Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 What is it about smoking pot that bothers you so much?
Treasa Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 I think you two are not compatible with each other. It's ok for you to feel the way you do, but you aren't ever going to change him, and try is futile and will annoy him. 3
CryForNoOne Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 I think you two are not compatible with each other. It's ok for you to feel the way you do, but you aren't ever going to change him, and try is futile and will annoy him. I was going to get to that but I was curious why she was so opposed to pot. Some people have some serious misunderstandings about marijuana because of ignorance and misinformation in our culture. All substances are destructive if abused but in most cases excessive smoking and drinking is MUCH worse than getting high to often...
Author stillintoyou Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 (edited) What is it about smoking pot that bothers you so much? You know, this has been the question of the year. It's so hard for me to explain. From personal experience, I've seen pot ruin my best friend and my cousin's lives. My best friend tried pot, swore she'd only do it once and nothing else, and now she's addicted to it, she takes ecstasy and acid and she at least LOOKS like she's doing meth. She just turned 20, but she honestly looks like she's in her late 30's. She's dated a handful of drug dealers and has gotten involved in deals herself. She dropped out of college and now works the graveyard shift at Taco Bell, where her and other employees smoke pot during their breaks. With my cousin, she started smoking pot as a way to keep her husband around (it's a long story). Then she became addicted to pain killers, she's also been involved with dealers, and she's been in jail a handful of times. She shoots up heroin and has had her finger shot off by her husband. She use to grow her marijuana and had her four kids help her, and now three of them are also pot smokers. She use to be a registered nurse, but now relies on her boyfriend for money. I am only aware of eleven other people who smoke, and out of those eleven, two are dealers and eight dropped out or got kicked out of college. Everything that I've been exposed to about pot is negative and that's what has helped develop my moral against it. When I've hung around people who were high, all that they do is express how hungry they are and laugh at things that are hilarious to them, but are not even the slightest bit funny to people who are sober. They just look stupid to me, and not even in the "wow, that's a stupid decision" way, but more of the "you are actually unintelligent" way. Putting that together with knowing that most of the people I know who smoke no longer have a future and what it's done to my friend and cousin, I just can't seem to deal with my boyfriend (regardless of if it's Nathan or any other guy in the world) smoking marijuana. Ever. Also, I truly apologize if any of this offends you. Edited May 10, 2013 by stillintoyou
CryForNoOne Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 (edited) You know, this has been the question of the year. It's so hard for me to explain. From personal experience, I've seen pot ruin my best friend and my cousin's lives. My best friend tried pot, swore she'd only do it once and nothing else, and now she's addicted to it, she takes ecstasy and acid and she at least LOOKS like she's doing meth. She just turned 20, but she honestly looks like she's in her late 30's. She's dated a handful of drug dealers and has gotten involved in deals herself. She dropped out of college and now works the graveyard shift at Taco Bell, where her and other employees smoke pot during their breaks. With my cousin, she started smoking pot as a way to keep her husband around (it's a long story). Then she became addicted to pain killers, she's also been involved with dealers, and she's been in jail a handful of times. She shoots up heroin and has had her finger shot off by her husband. She use to grow her marijuana and had her four kids help her, and now three of them are also pot smokers. She use to be a registered nurse, but now relies on her boyfriend for money. I am only aware of eleven other people who smoke, and out of those eleven, two are dealers and eight dropped out or got kicked out of college. Everything that I've been exposed to about pot is negative and that's what has helped develop my moral against it. When I've hung around people who were high, all that they do is express how hungry they are and laugh at things that are hilarious to them, not even the slightest funny to people who are sober. They just look stupid to me, and not even in the "wow, that's a stupid decision" way, but more of the "you are actually unintelligent" way. Putting that together with knowing that most of the people I know who smoke no longer have a future and what it's done to my friend and cousin, I just can't seem to deal with my boyfriend (regardless of if it's Nathan or any other guy in the world) smoking marijuana. Ever. Also, I truly apologize if any of this offends you. It doesn't offend me but our personal experiences differ greatly. It sounds like many of the people you've known have addictive personalities. If it wasn't 420, it would have been some other drug... Also the close association to drug dealers tells me that some really bad $h!t is going on. Here in CA, marijuana is basically legal so can just walk into a dispensary. No drug dealers needed. Sure about half the people who smoke weed are addicted, have lost a great deal of ambition, and basically do many of the things you describe. But I've also got some really good friends who are parents and hold great jobs (journalist at Fox News, high school teacher) and function perfectly in society. You're never going to change your BF. The best you can hope for is he uses in moderation, and it does not become a gateway for worse stuff. But to ban it completely is WAY too controlling and will just create resentment if he agrees and undermine the relationship too. Anytime you have a parent-child dynamic in a relationship that is bad news. So you have two choices, allow him to use in moderation or end the relationship. Making him stop entirely is a recipe for disaster... Edited May 10, 2013 by CryForNoOne
Author stillintoyou Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 It doesn't offend me but our personal experiences differ greatly. It sounds like many of the people you've known have addictive personalities. If it wasn't 420, it would have been some other drug... Also the close association to drug dealers tells me that some really bad $h!t is going on. Here in CA, marijuana is basically legal so can just walk into a dispensary. No drug dealers needed. Sure about half the people who smoke weed are addicted, have lost a great deal of ambition, and basically do many of the things you describe. But I've also got some really good friends who are parents and hold great jobs (journalist at Fox News, high school teacher) and function perfectly in society. You're never going to change your BF. The best you can hope for is he uses in moderation, and it does not become a gateway for worse stuff. But to ban it completely is WAY too controlling and will just create resentment if he agrees and undermine the relationship too. Anytime you have a parent-child dynamic in a relationship that is bad news. So you have two choices, allow him to use in moderation or end the relationship. Making him stop entirely is a recipe for disaster... He claims he only used marijuana in moderation to begin with and that he only smokes it to help him relax, which I thought was a little odd because: 1) he never does it on his own, only when he's with friends, and 2) he bought Vitamin B6 supplements a few months ago, saying he needed more energy. I've brought up resentment to him before. When I gave him the option of staying together, but not going to Paul's, or breaking up, I told him to seriously think about it and after he told me he was okay with not going over to friend's house, I made sure he wanted that. I told him that this could lead to resentment and he reassured me that wouldn't happen because he was okay with not smoking. I should have mentioned this before, but I also told him that not going to Paul's was not going to be a definite thing. From what he's told me, he really thinks I'm worth not smoking, so he's okay with it. Our major problem at this point is just what we have to do in order for me to be able to trust him again. I understand everything you're saying, I do. I guess I'm just holding on because despite that everyone keeps saying we should break up because I can't change him, Nathan has expressed that he's very willing to quit smoking. So I feel like there's still hope and that this could actually work out.
clia Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 I agree that the two of you seem incompatible. And honestly, from an outsider's perspective it starts to sound a little crazy. I mean: I love Nathan so much, I really do, so I decided to give him another chance, but this time, I told him that in order for us to stay in a relationship, he was not going to be able to go over to Paul's house anymore seeing as he confessed that that was where he had been smoking. He can't go to his friend's house. So, I thought and I thought and the only other option I could think of was that he could go to Paul's for a total of 2-3 hours at a time during the day and he could go to his Friday parties, but I had to go with him. This just sounds so ridiculous. It's like you are his mother, not his girlfriend. If he requires this level of supervision, is it really worth it to you to stay in the relationship? He said I was trying to control him and that he was angry because everyone knew he was being "babysat" and that he was so uncomfortable being there since I was around. Well...you are trying to babysit him and control him. Look at the conditions you put on his being able to go to his friend's house. I don't blame him for being mad. I eventually came to the conclusion that I would try ONE LAST TIME to work things out with Nathan. I don't get why you keep giving him all these chances. You two have a fundamental disconnect when it comes to smoking pot. You may love him, but the two of you just are not compatible. It's no one's fault -- it just is what it is. Why not try to be with a guy who doesn't smoke pot, and who you don't have to worry about what they are doing when they aren't with you? Doesn't that sound so much better? He and I agreed that we could compromise by buying at-home drug tests and I could test him whenever I thought it was necessary (his idea). This seems CRAZY to me! LOL. I mean, you are going to drug test your boyfriend? I want to make sure it's clear that Nathan is actually fine with giving up pot. No he isn't. If he was fine with giving up pot, then there is no issue here. He should give it up. Problem solved. Now the two of you can move on with your relationship, drug test free. In general, I honestly think this entire situation is stupid. I hate that it's come down to this. I feel like his mother more than anything and he has 100% been acting like a child. However, I love Nathan so much and I don't really want to let him go. I just don't know what to do anymore. You aren't compatible. End it now before you get more attached, or live a life where you have to drug test your boyfriend and babysit him when he goes to his friend's house. Your choice. 1
anna121 Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 If this is a dealbreaker for you, that is fine. Did I read correctly that you are both underage? I am sorry to say, the chances of him changing this habit for you are pretty much zero. He is a young guy and he likes to smoke pot. That is what he is going to do.
soccerrprp Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 I was going to get to that but I was curious why she was so opposed to pot. Some people have some serious misunderstandings about marijuana because of ignorance and misinformation in our culture. All substances are destructive if abused but in most cases excessive smoking and drinking is MUCH worse than getting high to often... Because people are also aware that many pot smokers end up doing worse things. It's a gateway drug! It's illegal! And frankly, it's an illegal (most places), gateway form of escape and harder drugs. Why would someone want to date someone like that, I don't know! I have nothing against medicinal and occasional use, but pot smokers or anyone into drug would like to do it regularly and w/ abandon. It is unnecessary and it's primary purpose is for recreational purposes that may or may not effect the people around its use. I'm no prude and have used it in the past and as then, still don't see the attraction to something that has no health benefits (just the opposite) and dulls and alters the mind. I like to be alert, me and safe. Goodness, the excuses that pot-users, etc. use to justify the use of a narcotic, not safe, chemical for their personal, selfish reasons.... I WILL NOT DATE ANYONE THAT USES DRUGS FOR RECREATIONAL, IRRESPONSIBLE, SELFISH REASONS.
curlygirl40 Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 Did he start taking the Vitamin B6 around the same time that you bought the at home drug tests? Did you know that if people are trying to trick a drug test they will drink a lot of water to dilute their urine and then take Vitamin B6 to make their urine more yellow? (so I've heard, anyway, allegedly). Coincidence?? I'm with Treasa (as usual ) here. You are 100% allowed to have that boundary. If pot smoking makes you uncomfortable due to your personal beliefs and experiences, you absolutely have every right to say 'I don't like this, I won't live like this' and walk away. This simply makes you incompatible. I know it's not that simple, I'm not trying to make light of your situation. But I can promise you that he will not change, nor should you try to change him. He might mature out of it and decide not to do it in the future if he doesn't get addicted to it, or he might do it for the rest of his life. You can't pressure him to change the behavior. He has to do it because he wants to. And he doesn't want to. End of story. Either he's addicted, he doesn't see what the big deal is, or the pot is more important than you are to him. None of that will work for you. And that's o.k. But you need to walk away instead of trying to change him. That's the biggest thing that is easier regarding dating in your 40's. When you're in your 20's you think you can change someone, or they will grow up, etc. By this age, you know that the person your dating is not going to change so you accept it or you walk away. Best of luck!
Author stillintoyou Posted May 11, 2013 Author Posted May 11, 2013 Did he start taking the Vitamin B6 around the same time that you bought the at home drug tests? Did you know that if people are trying to trick a drug test they will drink a lot of water to dilute their urine and then take Vitamin B6 to make their urine more yellow? (so I've heard, anyway, allegedly). Coincidence?? I'm with Treasa (as usual ) here. You are 100% allowed to have that boundary. If pot smoking makes you uncomfortable due to your personal beliefs and experiences, you absolutely have every right to say 'I don't like this, I won't live like this' and walk away. This simply makes you incompatible. I know it's not that simple, I'm not trying to make light of your situation. But I can promise you that he will not change, nor should you try to change him. He might mature out of it and decide not to do it in the future if he doesn't get addicted to it, or he might do it for the rest of his life. You can't pressure him to change the behavior. He has to do it because he wants to. And he doesn't want to. End of story. Either he's addicted, he doesn't see what the big deal is, or the pot is more important than you are to him. None of that will work for you. And that's o.k. But you need to walk away instead of trying to change him. That's the biggest thing that is easier regarding dating in your 40's. When you're in your 20's you think you can change someone, or they will grow up, etc. By this age, you know that the person your dating is not going to change so you accept it or you walk away. Best of luck! He actually bought the vitamins before we talked about getting drug tests, however, he was worried about a possible drug test for his work study, which is originally what I thought he bought them for, but he assured me it was for energy. I am aware that vitamin B can allegedly help detox the body to pass a drug test. Also, Nathan does not know that I have bought the drug tests. His original idea was for me to either buy them or not buy them and not tell him, but say I have the tests regardless as a deterrent. After some more serious thought, I think I've come to terms that this relationship will not continue past (or maybe even through) the summer. Especially considering what happened recently: Nathan said he probably wouldn't be able to visit me in the summer because he needs to make sure he makes at least four grand this summer and therefore cannot take too much time off of work, but then the following night was trying to decide if flying or driving to Las Vegas is cheaper because he wants to go to a Smash Brothers tournament there in July. I think that hearing that going to a damn video game get-together that won't benefit him in any way is more important to him than visiting his girlfriend once during three months really made an impact. Not to mention this whole pot issue. I appreciate your help, by the way. Thank you. 1
ChessPieceFace Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 I, on the other hand, am entirely against all three, marijuana being the one I disagree with the most. If you disagree with it so much, why are you wasting so much time and energy on a pot-head? Why'd you even go out with him to begin with? You're ignoring your own deal-breakers, getting burned and lied to, then coming on here expecting a magical solution. This guy must sure have looks and/or game to get a girl who supposedly disagrees with his behaviors but still stays with him even after being lied to.
Author stillintoyou Posted May 11, 2013 Author Posted May 11, 2013 If you disagree with it so much, why are you wasting so much time and energy on a pot-head? Why'd you even go out with him to begin with? You're ignoring your own deal-breakers, getting burned and lied to, then coming on here expecting a magical solution. This guy must sure have looks and/or game to get a girl who supposedly disagrees with his behaviors but still stays with him even after being lied to. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt here and say that you did not read the entire story as I stated that I didn't know he was smoking pot before we started dating. Thanks so much for the help, though.
Recommended Posts