Need some serious support

[venuss]

It's going to be 2 months in a week and I still feel so strongly for him. He has gone completely quite and all the anger & frustration is wearing off. There isn't a day that passes without thinking about him. Sometimes I get very strong urges to contact him. What are the chances that he will get in touch at some point?

[Blckrooster46]

I honestly have no real guidance for because mine ended 18 days ago and today I feel worse for the first time in a while but I saw your story and have felt exactly the same way so I thought I would try and come up with something. I can say this though, what helps me is I tell myself that if I truly loved her I would want her to be happy (do I think anyone else will give her the relationship I gave her? Not really), but still if this is what she needs then I should let her have it. If she is happy then I, on some level, should be happy as well otherwise we become the worst kind of selfish people. This doesn't really make it that much easier but if you tell yourself it enough it starts to make sense. In terms of talking to them, like I said I am only 18 days but reaching out before they do seems weak and will most likely chase them farther away. I have wanted to call text send letters all of it but I don't because I know she's going wake up and realize her mistake on day but I don't really think that I would take her back. Honestly if it's meant to be (so cheesy I know) they will come back if not then they just weren't for you. You have to leave it alone or they will just run father and father into their decision.

[venuss]

I honestly have no real guidance for because mine ended 18 days ago and today I feel worse for the first time in a while but I saw your story and have felt exactly the same way so I thought I would try and come up with something. I can say this though, what helps me is I tell myself that if I truly loved her I would want her to be happy (do I think anyone else will give her the relationship I gave her? Not really), but still if this is what she needs then I should let her have it. If she is happy then I, on some level, should be happy as well otherwise we become the worst kind of selfish people. This doesn't really make it that much easier but if you tell yourself it enough it starts to make sense. In terms of talking to them, like I said I am only 18 days but reaching out before they do seems weak and will most likely chase them farther away. I have wanted to call text send letters all of it but I don't because I know she's going wake up and realize her mistake on day but I don't really think that I would take her back. Honestly if it's meant to be (so cheesy I know) they will come back if not then they just weren't for you. You have to leave it alone or they will just run father and father into their decision.

 

Thanks for the reply. I sense that just like me you also wish to be contacted. You are a guy and I am a girl and we both are holding back thinking that let them come first and probably they are holding back thinking that we should approach first! Whoever reaches out first will be the weak one!! I am not sure what your story is but I just want to give it another go, communicate better and try to find a middle ground, because I have tried seeing other people but none compares to how I felt for him ...*sigh* . Hang in there anyway.

[Blckrooster46]

My story is long but came out of no where for me; we were first loves and I her first boyfriend. (early twenties) I had dated before but it wasnt like her, we have known eachother since we were children and I just sort of saw her one day differently than I had before and we both fell hard. But yeah my biggest down fall is pride and I asked her not to when she broke it off so my pride has been bruised and does not want to be again. It sounds cliche but vulnerability is a huge thing for me and I allowed myself to be that way with her because I thought I could and that is what made it ten times worse. Even though I am angry at for doing this I will always love her for giving me happiness and the capability to love anything, something I didn't think was possible since I lost my father. So I will always love her for that. There are so many things I think now I would have done differently to have avoided this but I have realized that people cannot truly love another if they don't love themselves and my ex had a lot of issues with that. I did to but I dealt with it alone and was in more receptive place to healing once we started dating and she healed me. I just wish I could do the same for her. If she comes back though I don't know if I will welcome her or if my pride will have built up too much by then. I guess only time will tell. When was the last time you talked to your ex? As a man seeing someone I loved doing great with there lives would only make me want to be apart of it again. I know I still have healing of my own to do before I am even able to be that open again so maybe we both needed this but like I said only time will tell.

Edited May 10, 2013 by Blckrooster46

[venuss]

My story is long but came out of no where for me; we were first loves and I her first boyfriend. (early twenties) I had dated before but it wasnt like her, we have known eachother since we were children and I just sort of saw her one day differently than I had before and we both fell hard. But yeah my biggest down fall is pride and I asked her not to when she broke it off so my pride has been bruised and does not want to be again. It sounds cliche but vulnerability is a huge thing for me and I allowed myself to be that way with her because I thought I could and that is what made it ten times worse. Even though I am angry at for doing this I will always love her for giving me happiness and the capability to love anything, something I didn't think was possible since I lost my father. So I will always love her for that. There are so many things I think now I would have done differently to have avoided this but I have realized that people cannot truly love another if they don't love themselves and my ex had a lot of issues with that. I did to but I dealt with it alone and was in more receptive place to healing once we started dating and she healed me. I just wish I could do the same for her. If she comes back though I don't know if I will welcome her or if my pride will have built up too much by then. I guess only time will tell. When was the last time you talked to your ex? As a man seeing someone I loved doing great with there lives would only make me want to be apart of it again. I know I still have healing of my own to do before I am even able to be that open again so maybe we both needed this but like I said only time will tell.

 

There are quite a few things that are common in our little stories. He was my friend/acquaintance for many years, so lost a friend to the affair. I hurt his ego and he hurt mine. He showed me how to really love someone, believe it or not I avoid being in relationship or have an affair, this was my 3rd serious affair, first was just a fling in school, second in college and now I am in late twenties, so it was a big deal for me and the fact that it was so unexpected and also there was a courtship period of two months in which I was persuaded to be in love with him, now that hurts even more, freely falling in love is easier to get out of, there are so many exits, get busy with something you like to do, hang out with friends or just date someone else, if you were dating online date someone else, but in my case I couldn't help falling in love so all that is not working!! To answer your question, I think my reaction will totally depend on how he will contact me. I do not want him to apologies per se but for sure say that he understands and respects my wishes. I do not want to sleep with him without any serious commitment!! He knows that he should respect that..I am not sure, if he will contact me and how will that be, I try not to think about it. All I am thinking is, if I should contact him, since I am the dumper, open the communication channel and then let him speak what I want to hear, because at the moment he must be under the impression that I do not want to have anything to do with him.

 

How about you? now that you have all this pride overshadowing your love, how can she contact you and what can she say to you so that you can give her another chance and not see her as weak or vulnerable?

[Blckrooster46]

I don't know your full situation but you dumped him so he would be more committed to you? Maybe you could give me insight into why a woman who loves her man gets rid of him? I am sure you have your own specific reasons that won't apply to me or my girl but just the same I would like to hear. If this is the case maybe you should talk to him and let him know what it is you want from him. Us men are simple creatures if you just tell us what you want specifically we will do it in a heartbeat haha. What is it you want to hear from him?

 

She was really unexpected for me as well I was ready to spend my 20s being a typical guy looking for nothing serious and then we just found each other and it clicked. I think my girl has had a bit of GIGS because I was her first bf and she might not realize that relationships in her future won't be like ours because of how well we know each other, I am only a year older but have a good deal of experience with dating and women so I knew what I wanted and it was her. I have been in long relationships, flings, and dated women my age and ten years older so my understanding of things is a lot different than hers. I also understand that strong love at a young age can be scary for both partners, it scared me at first but i embraced it.

 

I mean to be completely honest seeing her as vulnerable would never be a problem for me, she has been that way with me before and it only makes me love her more. I like to be able to play the part of the strong male and help her in anyway I can fix things, make her feel better, ect. Did I do dumb stuff like pick stupid fights? yeah sometimes but I thought people who really loved eachother got into dumb fights and then grew closer because of it and thats how things were in the begging. Every once in awhile we would have a argument and then towards the end understand and love each other even more. So I wouldn't mind at all if she reached out vulnerably to me but I gave her a chance to about a week after we broke up I gave hr her stuff back, she basically lived with me, and told her if this is what she really wants then we will end things here but I need you to tell me you don't love me so I can move on, she couldn't, all she said was that she was sorry and it was over. So I said alright have a nice life and I legitimately hope your happy. She gave me my stuff and I walked away she then yelled at me because I gave her my xmas present back. It really wasn't me trying to be mean, I just couldn't look at it because it was like the perfect gift for me and just made me think of her and how things could have gotten so of course. I yelled back that I didn't want it and she should sell it (Childish I know but I have a stupid temper) she starred at me as I drove away. So after that I just can't reach out again, I won't let myself be that open again and I had only ever really talked to her about the issues with my father twice, once when I was really drunk and another when we got into a fight for no reason other than I was still angry about losing him. So yeah I obviously have my own **** to deal with but so does she family wise. I don't like being that open but like I said I thought I could with her because she told me I could. I love her more than anyone and to be rejected by her again would just be way too hard.

[Blckrooster46]

Also if he put himself out there once it is rare that he will do it again, at least I wouldn't so if you really want to work things out 2 months is a good cooling period and maybe you should reach out to see how he is. I spend everyday hoping to talk to the girl who dumped me but I refuse to because I can't put myself out there again it hurt to much the last time. Prideful creatures we men are.

[venuss]

You sound so reasonable and you are admitting when you are wrong. I think simply make her read this thread and she will love you again. But I understand relationships are not that simple. I agree she needs to experience more and then realize what she has lost but probably it will be too late.

 

My guy was the same, had several affairs (he is in mid 30s) have dated older women twice. On the other hand for me he was the 3rd one. When I told him about this, he found it hard to believe but then he did believe me and he used to say same things to me, that I don't know anything about relationships. And how intimacy is a part of it! After a month he wanted us to meet at his place and take things to next level. I was not ready, it was too soon for me, he was frustrated we had fight, after that fight my guards were up, I started doubting his intentions and one day it just snapped.

 

That in a nutshell is what happened. I was forced by his behavior to dump him. with proper communication and understanding it is easy to understand each other and find a middle ground, but for that we need to communicate!