Praying4Peace Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 It has been almost 5 months NC. I know that since I ignored all his breadcrumbs he must think I've moved on and I no longer feel the same way. The breadcrumbs weren't even texts or communications but subtle signals designed to tell me he was thinking of me. In the past I would have called him out on them and we would've talked. ' For us, even talking once on the phone sets everything back to Day One. During our A he oftentimes would tell me he was so scared to leave his M and be with me because I held the power to destroy him, break his heart if I left him. That with us- nothing held us together but our feelings for each other. No kids, no inlaws who would care, no longterm investment in homes...none of the stuff that makes couples hesitant to D. That if I got sick of him I'd be gone and his W would be gone and he'd be alone forever. His biggest flaw is that he is terrified of being alone. Terrified. Many times we tried to go NC on our own. Never lasted more than 2 days. Each time we spoke he said he was convinced that when I wasn't speaking to him I was pissed off/done. Even though I was home alone with no spouse. He also has the impression that I can have any man that I want because of how I am. He would say this often. Now I fear he thinks I don't care anymore. I hate how cowardly he is. He cannot contact me ever. If she finds out even once- she'll be done. Even if he's sad he won't take the chance of being alone. And I'm sure he thinks I hate him and never want to see or speak to him again. I can deal with being left for his W or M. That is just him making a choice to be happy and I want that for him no matter how it makes me feel. But to think that a false assumption has something to do with it destroys me completely. Ive been in bed all day sick to my stomach thinking of this.
Sarabi Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 (edited) It has been almost 5 months NC. I know that since I ignored all his breadcrumbs he must think I've moved on and I no longer feel the same way. The breadcrumbs weren't even texts or communications but subtle signals designed to tell me he was thinking of me. In the past I would have called him out on them and we would've talked. ' For us, even talking once on the phone sets everything back to Day One. During our A he oftentimes would tell me he was so scared to leave his M and be with me because I held the power to destroy him, break his heart if I left him. That with us- nothing held us together but our feelings for each other. No kids, no inlaws who would care, no longterm investment in homes...none of the stuff that makes couples hesitant to D. That if I got sick of him I'd be gone and his W would be gone and he'd be alone forever. His biggest flaw is that he is terrified of being alone. Terrified. Many times we tried to go NC on our own. Never lasted more than 2 days. Each time we spoke he said he was convinced that when I wasn't speaking to him I was pissed off/done. Even though I was home alone with no spouse. He also has the impression that I can have any man that I want because of how I am. He would say this often. Now I fear he thinks I don't care anymore. I hate how cowardly he is. He cannot contact me ever. If she finds out even once- she'll be done. Even if he's sad he won't take the chance of being alone. And I'm sure he thinks I hate him and never want to see or speak to him again. I can deal with being left for his W or M. That is just him making a choice to be happy and I want that for him no matter how it makes me feel. But to think that a false assumption has something to do with it destroys me completely. Ive been in bed all day sick to my stomach thinking of this. Wow. I read your post and I relate to it so much. I was seeing bits of myself/MM in there too. In particular: Him not wanting to be alone. I understand why you hate the cowardice The failed NCWhen I don't speak he thinks I don't want to speak to him or I'm tired of the whole thing...etc. I know its really really hard but please don't let this thing consume you so much that its making you ill though, honestly Five months is a massive achievement. You've come so far, well done!!! keep it up...we're all behind you and cheering on your progress!!! Edited May 10, 2013 by Sarabi 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 (edited) During our A he oftentimes would tell me he was so scared to leave his M and be with me because I held the power to destroy him, break his heart if I left him. That with us- nothing held us together but our feelings for each other. No kids, no inlaws who would care, no longterm investment in homes...none of the stuff that makes couples hesitant to D. That if I got sick of him I'd be gone and his W would be gone and he'd be alone forever. His biggest flaw is that he is terrified of being alone. Terrified. This is a huge problem. You have state why you should stay in NC - reread your post. 5 months is a great milestone, but it's not very far out. Work through the pain - you can feel it and it's really okay to hurt - tomorrow will be better. It doesn't matter what he thinks right now. You have to take care of yourself. He made his choice - let him deal. And I do understand - believe me - I sometimes wonder if my xMM hates me now. I don't like even thinking about it, because it makes me sad to think someone that you meant so much to would turn on you like that but, like I said, it doesn't matter really what he thinks. It doesn't do me any good to know at this juncture. And frankly, he doesn't really know what I think or feel either. Edited May 10, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong 1
Author Praying4Peace Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 Thanks everyone for your responses. Means a lot. I know that the 'alone' thing is unhealthy. To be honest, I was terrified of being alone myself. I thought I couldn't do it but I'm okay now. I think when you're married for so long its terrifying to picture living alone. At least for me, I have the kids more than my exH so that's company... I think part of his fear is because his W left him before and he said that any woman he's ever cared about (there was one other before he got married) has abandoned him either physically or emotionally. Anyways- I tend to overlook faults when I understand where they are coming from. But you're right. I can't live my life always trying to convince someone I'm not going to ditch them. Plus sometimes people convince themselves that their ex hates them. It makes things easier to handle emotionally. 1
DelusionalOne Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 It has been almost 5 months NC. I know that since I ignored all his breadcrumbs he must think I've moved on and I no longer feel the same way. The breadcrumbs weren't even texts or communications but subtle signals designed to tell me he was thinking of me. In the past I would have called him out on them and we would've talked. ' For us, even talking once on the phone sets everything back to Day One. During our A he oftentimes would tell me he was so scared to leave his M and be with me because I held the power to destroy him, break his heart if I left him. That with us- nothing held us together but our feelings for each other. No kids, no inlaws who would care, no longterm investment in homes...none of the stuff that makes couples hesitant to D. That if I got sick of him I'd be gone and his W would be gone and he'd be alone forever. His biggest flaw is that he is terrified of being alone. Terrified. Many times we tried to go NC on our own. Never lasted more than 2 days. Each time we spoke he said he was convinced that when I wasn't speaking to him I was pissed off/done. Even though I was home alone with no spouse. He also has the impression that I can have any man that I want because of how I am. He would say this often. Now I fear he thinks I don't care anymore. I hate how cowardly he is. He cannot contact me ever. If she finds out even once- she'll be done. Even if he's sad he won't take the chance of being alone. And I'm sure he thinks I hate him and never want to see or speak to him again. I can deal with being left for his W or M. That is just him making a choice to be happy and I want that for him no matter how it makes me feel. But to think that a false assumption has something to do with it destroys me completely. Ive been in bed all day sick to my stomach thinking of this. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I have no advice .... I am dealing with almost the very same feelings today...I think I even used the same word... "destroyed". Fits. doesn't it? lilmisscantbewrong is right... it should matter what they think....unfortunately...it still hurts. (((HUGS)))to you. I hope you feel better.
Author Praying4Peace Posted May 11, 2013 Author Posted May 11, 2013 Praying, I am confused about your post. Are you wanting to break NC so you can tell him you still care about him? Why do you want him to know that? He knew it before and he made his decision - his wife/marriage. So why continue to hurt yourself by thinking things are going to be different? Why be a Plan B for someone? Hell, why be Plan anything for someone just so they don't have to be alone? That's not love, that's not something a life can be built on. He said he wouldn't be able to survive being with you and then you leaving...well, he is surviving after having an affair with you. Are you sure you aren't just wanting to believe that there are breadcrumbs? No texts or communication...yet you see breadcrumbs? Why haven't you let go yet? You don't seem to be moving forward emotionally and that isn't good for you. Hi Hockeyfan, Yeah he's definitely surviving without me. I'm definitely not imagining breadcrumbs. Its just hard to be comfortable on a public forum sometimes when it comes to specifics and identifying info. I'll just say that there was something in the mail that had a message only we two would understand. Some missed calls. Stuff like that. I think part of the problem is that we got that 'closure' that everyone is after. But its not closure, it was leaving the door open. I'd rather be told off cruelly, suffer horribly and then get up off the floor and say 'eff you' and get on with my life. But the last thing I heard was quite the opposite. It was honest but I wish it didn't happen because it really prolongs the torture. I spent all evening sobbing like it was Week 1 but after that I felt much better. Watched something funny. Laughed a lot. Felt like a ton of bricks have been lifted. Everytime I cry like that, a little bit of what I'm holding onto slips away. In time I'm sure it'll all be gone. Thanks for your support, everyone.
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