guest Posted September 26, 2004 Posted September 26, 2004 Hi, My bf and Ihave been together for over 2 years. We have a good relationship, but he is not ready to get married and has clearly said so. He does not why he does not want to get married. I brought it up last week that perhaps we should break up for a year, so he can go and date other people and get out of his system. I think he did not date much when he was younger, and he still wants to go out there and feel attractive. I remember a while back, we were in a party when two not so attractive women showed up, and his phrase was "I could close that deal" to suggest that he could sleep with those women. I do not worry about him cheating on me at all, but Ithink there is something missing with a man in his 30s, who needs to feel that he still can close a deal...frankly, he did not close many deals when he could. He is not what most women would find handsome. It worries me. I think he still needs the reinforcement, maybe it is insecurity. He is a smart man, and he knows that at his age, and his style...it isnot like he is going to go out there and sleep with 30 women or the hottest women are going to sleep with him. ...but that it is his brain..the other part when he is not thinking realistically, he is like a horny little 17 y/0 who goes out and stares at anything within 30 ft. I do not know what to do. I do not want to marry one day to one of those guys who are 50 and feel trapped and they are slimy and they think that they could have someone better if they were single. I am worry. Any advice, experience in the same case? Big thanks!!
ps123 Posted September 26, 2004 Posted September 26, 2004 Well, I can say one thing, If a woman I was dating looked at two guys that walked in and said I could close that deal, Id be kind of pissed. It sounds like he might have some commitment issues or something like that. Whether or not hes "closed a lot of deals" shouldnt make him question being with you. If he is in love with you, he shouldnt be worrying about what else is out there. I hope Im not sounding insensitive but it sounds like hes got some issues to sort out. I was in a similar place myself several years ago and I actually needed to go to therapy to sort out some of the issues. For me, even though Im an attractive, smart, etc, I still had some major self esteem issues. (I can elaborate more if you want) As far as giving him a year to go out and do what he wants, are you serious about that? Would you really want him going out and doing whatever he wants for a year? Would you take him back after that? My advice to you is DO NOT put yourself through that. You dont deserve to be treated that way (no one does in fact) and if hes going to seriously do that, you shouldnt be with him. (Maybe I read that year thing wrong, so sorry if I misunderstood)
guest Posted September 27, 2004 Posted September 27, 2004 I think you hit it right on the nose. I think he has some insecurity issues..perhaps as he could not get any for many years..and now, he feels that with his new found confidence, he could. No,no, no. We could take a year apart..but we both know that is break up...I will be dating too...so...yes, he could call me in a year to see if I was available...but not likely...I am not going to sit around and wait until he sleeps around... based on his exs...I would say..he would realize very quickly of his dumb move...but it will be very late. he is a nice guy..not much experience...and some serious issues. He says that he wants to go into therapy to understand why he does not want to get married now..and why is in the place he is... I wish him luck..but I am not going to sit around. I want to find a nice guy who knows what he wants..and he is looking for a nice girl to settled down with.... it is mostly a frame of mind. If you are ready to find that person...then sooner or later, it will work..but we all have to be there..nothing that can be forced...he is not there...for whatever reason. It is a shame..he is a nice guy..but I think he needs to go out and try to date for 6 months or so...and then realize what he really wants. ....I am sorry to say...but I am at the end of this relationship...I do not want to end up with a guy full of regrets..so thinks that if he was single, he could have sex with half of the world... I want him to be single and realize that it is not likely... stinks! thanks for putting upwith my whining.
ps123 Posted September 27, 2004 Posted September 27, 2004 First of all, you aren't whining and even if you were, thats what we're here for . One other thing I was wondering, have you actually just sat down with him and told him the things you said here, and I mean really directly like you said here? That might be a good thing to do before ending things. I guess since you're to the point of ending it, you certainly coudn't have anything to lose. It also sounds like you're starting to become a little resentful of him which is never a good thing. Talking this out might help you lose that resentment. Good luck.
guest Posted September 27, 2004 Posted September 27, 2004 Yes, I have sat down with him and we have discussed. Unfortunately, bf has a way of not dealing with things when they have to be addressed or taking care of...big sore point. It has been the main source of issues between us...any problem we have had in the past...most likely can be traced to that. Every marriage on his family has ended in divorce..and that added to the fact that he had not a lot of self steem and did not get around or much attention when he was younger..I think add to the factor. Now, he thinks that he can go out there and with his confidence, get around....which frankly...in my honest opinion, any guy can go there and get someone to sleep with..all they have to do is talk...it is not that difficult. I am very concerned that if does not go out there and realize that perhaps at his age and circumstances, heidi klum look alikes are not going to be jumping at his feet...I am going to be very unhappy and hear stupid comments like "I could close the deal" and "I could sleep with a lot of people if I was single"..and it is not worthy. He is a very nice guy..but I am not a phychologist..and perhaps after that six months..he will be ready to find a nice person and live happily ever after...that is my point. He is saying that he will go and get therapy...yes, as soon as I dump him...arggg....he will wait untilt the last possible minute..as not to deal with it..since it is tough.. and determine why he does not want to get married or what are his apprehensions as he says that it is not like he is waiting for somehting better or I am not Ms. Right. I just do not see anything wrong with not wanting to get married...even to me ..there is not right or wrong..it is just a matter of being in the right set of mind to be committed to someone...and I do not think you can talk yourself into marriage and 5 years later have a good relationship...I can always be wrong...but I still do not want someone to have to talk themselves into marrying me. arggg....yes, I am still whining..he is a good guy...but the clock is ticking and I need to find someone who does want to get married...or travel on time, change the clock...at least to 30... which I do not think is very likely! Thanks!
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