DelusionalOne Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 This week has truly sucked!!! So xMM thinks I really hate him. I'm not going to speak to about how I found out but I know it is reliable. I know this is a good thing. I know this is best. And I know my every action since DDAY has been designed to pretty much make him think this. Well I got my wish. Please don't bash me... I am destroyed by this. But maybe, just maybe this is finally the end and once I get past and over this final thing I can just put this all behind me once and for all. Why did I f@$&ing do this to myself? Why did I ever let this all happen?
chaser0195 Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 Here are the thoughts that went through my head. 1st: Let him feel that way whether it's true or not maybe it will cause him to avoid you. 2ND: a little bit of dislike towards him may be what you need to focus on to help you move forward and last: Maybe he purposely told someone that because he new it would get back to you and he is hoping you will contact him and tell him that it isn't true and you still feel (fill in the blank) for him. 3
krazikat Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 This week has truly sucked!!! So xMM thinks I really hate him. I'm not going to speak to about how I found out but I know it is reliable. I know this is a good thing. I know this is best. And I know my every action since DDAY has been designed to pretty much make him think this. Well I got my wish. Please don't bash me... I am destroyed by this. But maybe, just maybe this is finally the end and once I get past and over this final thing I can just put this all behind me once and for all. Why did I f@$&ing do this to myself? Why did I ever let this all happen? Delusional, hang in there. Focus on you, on healing and moving forward so you can get to a happy place...although I am from "the other side" I do fully acknowledge the pain and real...very real...emotional chaos you are feeling. But you deserve so much more. You deserve a man who is all yours, where there is no dday and where you have a whole relationship. Learn from this experience...and come away a stronger woman. 1
Goodbye Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 Delusional, Well, I can certainly understand all the conflicting emotions. Tell me about your dday again? I guess every new encounter, in person or not, with the EX can reopen the wounds. Try to stay busy and not think about him. Maybe we should have a weekend NC thread to fill up with the garbage we have urges to email/text. Why can't you elaborate on how you know he hates you? Were you hoping to both move on in your lives without the presence of hate? I think so many of us would really prefer that, despite the mess, our "others" don't reflect back on us as "the worst mistake ever." It just takes time to regain perspective. Maybe it will take him time to sift through all the emotions...I have no doubt that hate isn't the only thing he feels for you. The unsettling thing is, that due to the affair, you may never know. No real closure. Hang in there.
whichwayisup Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 All you can do is grieve the loss and let yourself really cry it out until there are no more tears left. Your heart needs time to catch up to your mind/head. As you said, it is for the best..Even though it hurts. No real advice here. Just take care of you and please, stop beating up on yourself. That serves no purpose and all it does is make you feel worse. 2
Summer Breeze Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 This week has truly sucked!!! So xMM thinks I really hate him. I'm not going to speak to about how I found out but I know it is reliable. I know this is a good thing. I know this is best. And I know my every action since DDAY has been designed to pretty much make him think this. Well I got my wish. Please don't bash me... I am destroyed by this. But maybe, just maybe this is finally the end and once I get past and over this final thing I can just put this all behind me once and for all. Why did I f@$&ing do this to myself? Why did I ever let this all happen? I know this is easier said than done but don't consider it a job well done and hope he takes the hint. Once his emotions calm down he'll sort it out and he'll know. With all the talk of how MM don't love their OWs as a rule, it's easy to think yours won't either. I'm sorry but I disagree with it. Just because there is NC doesn't mean there are no emotions left. Once he stops pouting and feeling sorry for himself he'll remember you love him and he'll know it. He'll hopefully also accept it for what it is and leave you alone. You're doing good kid. Keep it up. 1
dynastic Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 Don't follow that thought. I know it hurts, but don't do it. When you hear something like that you start second guessing yourself and your decisions, the bargaining part, I guess, of the stages of grief. You'll rationalize to yourself " if he knew the truth about how I feel, things would be different", etc. Remember-The situation is the way it is because he's with someone else. There's nothing YOU could have or can do to fix that. 1
chaser0195 Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 also to add to my last post. I understand how you are feeling. Its bittersweet. You want him to go away and you don't want him to affect you in anyway but at the same time you don't want someone you once cared about to feel this way. just keep up the act, if it is one, and one of these days you truly and honestly won't care what he feels and his thoughts won't affect you. serious question, if the cleaning lady at your office thought you hated her, would it affect you in the same way it does with him? would you be compelled to make sure she knows its not true? if not just remind yourself that you will, one day, feel as indifferent to him as you do her. p.s. I wouldn't want someone to think that I hate them but I wouldn't run to someone that I wasn't "connected" with to make sure they know the truth. I would simply say I don't hate her, I'm sorry she feels that way and let it go at that. 1
Author DelusionalOne Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 I know it's best, for both of us and I know I have done everything in my power to make him think that... I guess I just didn't realize what a blow it was going to be when I found out how successful I've been. Don't worry... I am still not going to do anything stupid ... I still believe this was the right decision. Wow talk about 2 steps forward and 10 steps back this week.
Spark1111 Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 as a fBS, I am amazed at the pity-party these guys live in with all the women in their lives; first the wife they claim no longer loves them and the the OW they claim they are forced to give up who now must hate them. This is learned in childhood and it is such a turn-off....it is the poor me attitude that garners sympathy and CONTINUES to deflect blame and accountability for their actions. It is the victim mentality but it also screams.....ME, ME, ME! It MUST ALWAYS be about ME and MY PAIN. SOOOooooooo, it can NEVER be about you and your pain. Very narcissistic. Don't acknowledge it. keep walking away. Easier for his weak ego to PROJECT you hate him rather than concede you are growing indifferent to him. A Narcissist CAN NEVER admit to being ignored. It'slike an arrow through their heart. Trust me, he will work it until he finds the next woman to rain empathy and attention down on his head. 3
Author DelusionalOne Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 Delusional, Well, I can certainly understand all the conflicting emotions. Tell me about your dday again? . I don't really have a whole lot of details... He told me his wife found out. He told her about me. He was crushed and had to end it. I just said Ok. I understand. Went away quickly, quietly... No drama, no questions and I never spoke to him again. The longest conversation I've had with him since then was this past Tuesday about that work related thing. 3 lines of IM. 1
Author DelusionalOne Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 Trust me, he will work it until he finds the next woman to rain empathy and attention down on his head. Actually, I've heard that he already has one... For a number of weeks now. Go figure.
krazikat Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 I don't really have a whole lot of details... He told me his wife found out. He told her about me. He was crushed and had to end it. I just said Ok. I understand. Went away quickly, quietly... No drama, no questions and I never spoke to him again. The longest conversation I've had with him since then was this past Tuesday about that work related thing. 3 lines of IM. That was absolutely the right thing to do...even if it hurts. Continuing the A now would just bring more drama, more pain, more deceit. Taking the A underground would not be fair to you or the wife. I wish the ow in my case had chosen to take the route of no drama instead of attacking me like I did something wrong. Be strong Delusional, or should I say, keep being strong. Being part of a triangle where one of the participants has just discovered her marriage was not what she thought is not a good place to be.
Spark1111 Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 Actually, I've heard that he already has one... For a number of weeks now. Go figure. Well,there you go....and I'm sorry for you. In time, you will be able to look back and remember almost every conversation was about him....with a couple of over the moon complements thrown your way....and then....back to him once again. 1
Lostinlife4now Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 This week has truly sucked!!! So xMM thinks I really hate him. I'm not going to speak to about how I found out but I know it is reliable. I know this is a good thing. I know this is best. And I know my every action since DDAY has been designed to pretty much make him think this. Well I got my wish. Please don't bash me... I am destroyed by this. But maybe, just maybe this is finally the end and once I get past and over this final thing I can just put this all behind me once and for all. Why did I f@$&ing do this to myself? Why did I ever let this all happen? Hi D. FOW here.... My xmm said to me once..."I know you hate me".....My response. "Yep, you're right!" I have so much INDIFFERENCE towards him.. it really is sad! But the greatest feeling in the world! :cool::cool: I do look at him as one pathetic joke! This too shall pass! Hang in there!
krazikat Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 Actually, I've heard that he already has one... For a number of weeks now. Go figure. Um okay I feel sad for all the women involved with this man. A man like that will only bring you down.
ComingInHot Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 Delusional one wrote, "I know it's best, for both of us and I know I have done everything in my power to make him think that... I guess I just didn't realize what a blow it was going to be when I found out how successful I've been. Don't worry... I am still not going to do anything stupid ... I still believe this was the right decision. Wow talk about 2 steps forward and 10 steps back this week." No no no, Don't DO this to yourself. It hurts. BAD. But you have NOT taken 10 steps backwards. MAYBE, maybe just one step. Think about it. Your actions remain strong and unchanging at this point. In your situation staying steadfast in your current actions ARE steps FORWARD! Emotionally is a WHOLE other animal and yes, I can see you would feel like you have slipped back with your emotional state. PLEEEESE understand that emotions are finicky and can change over the course of a day, hours, minutes, even seconds. For now maybe don't rely on your emotions solely as I'm certain from reading your posts that they are all over the place. Rely on your head and knowledge that what you are doing is right Regardless what MM says to "some other reliable source". He may be "baiting" you, knowing this information will get back to you and hoping you will re-ACT upon hearing he is so sad without you, you hate him etc... (which is all blah blah blah until he shows you finalized, signed D papers). I say this because None of us know how MM TRULY feels about you. What we can acknowledge is that if what he felt was "enough", you would see ACTION behind his words and gossip JUST LIKE YOU HAVE ACTION BEHIND YOUR WORDS. Don't re-ACT, don't re-DO anything you have done so far. We cannot always help how we feel but remember, again, feelings change with the wind sometimes. After reading this I feel badly for BOTH you and his W. This guys a CAD.* 1
BrokenPrincess Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 Actually, I've heard that he already has one... For a number of weeks now. Go figure. WHAT! Seriously? Did you just find this out too? Reading this just made me really mad (for you) 1
bellasue Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 When I confronted my xMM after dday, he actually said, "I want you to hate me." I guess to make himself feel less guilty. I agree with the previous posters who say don't do anything with this information. It does sound like he might be baiting you. That being said, with my emotions being somewhere in the same range as yours.....it would be damn hard not to. Hang in there! You're doing a good job in a difficult situation!!!!!
Author DelusionalOne Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 WHAT! Seriously? Did you just find this out too? Reading this just made me really mad (for you) No, I actually found that lovely piece of news several weeks back. This has been a really fun nightmare ride....NOT. I feel like I keep getting up, brushing myself off and I keep getting knocked back down. I just want this to be over.
spice4life Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 Hmm...interesting. I picked up on the fact that my xMM was doing the same thing...trying to get me to hate him. I'm sorry, but why can't people just be direct an end things with dignity instead of manipulating someone into hating them? That I don't get. Why not just be honest? I'm also sure mine thinks I had someone else, but I didn't and still don't. I highly suspect that he does though. It was obvious. I don't mean to sound unsupportive, but you might want to look at why you feel its okay to manipulate someone into hating you instead of just being honest and ending it. 1
Author DelusionalOne Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 Hmm...interesting. I picked up on the fact that my xMM was doing the same thing...trying to get me to hate him. I'm sorry, but why can't people just be direct an end things with dignity instead of manipulating someone into hating them? That I don't get. Why not just be honest? I'm also sure mine thinks I had someone else, but I didn't and still don't. I highly suspect that he does though. It was obvious. I don't mean to sound unsupportive, but you might want to look at why you feel its okay to manipulate someone into hating you instead of just being honest and ending it. I'm actually not manipulating him at all. I have done nothing. I have not initiate one single bit of contact. He, on the other hand has been breadcrubming me since NC Day 9. Every couple of weeks. To which, based on everyone's advice here... Not to respond to. And I haven't. I responded on 2 occasions when he came up with lame ass "work" reasons to contact me. So who is trying to manipulate who? He is taking my non-response and cold but professional response as me hating him. How is that my fault? 1
Spark1111 Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 I'm actually not manipulating him at all. I have done nothing. I have not initiate one single bit of contact. He, on the other hand has been breadcrubming me since NC Day 9. Every couple of weeks. To which, based on everyone's advice here... Not to respond to. And I haven't. I responded on 2 occasions when he came up with lame ass "work" reasons to contact me. So who is trying to manipulate who? He is taking my non-response and cold but professional response as me hating him. How is that my fault? He is manipulating you. It's a ruse, one designed to get you riled up, reactive and to occupy head space. it's working. Shut it down. 2
spice4life Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 I'm actually not manipulating him at all. I have done nothing. I have not initiate one single bit of contact. He, on the other hand has been breadcrubming me since NC Day 9. Every couple of weeks. To which, based on everyone's advice here... Not to respond to. And I haven't. I responded on 2 occasions when he came up with lame ass "work" reasons to contact me. So who is trying to manipulate who? He is taking my non-response and cold but professional response as me hating him. How is that my fault? I apologize, I was not familiar with your story. I thought you meant you were saying tht you were going out of your way to consciously do things (outside of NC) to make him hate you. Please disregard my post...I admit I read it out of context. Please accept my sincerest apologies.
BrokenPrincess Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 No, I actually found that lovely piece of news several weeks back. This has been a really fun nightmare ride....NOT. I feel like I keep getting up, brushing myself off and I keep getting knocked back down. I just want this to be over. Did you post about this before and I missed it? That is crazy. It's only been what 3 months since YOUR A ended?? Do you know her? Ugh DO I'm sorry...hang in there. At least it's Friday!
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