agawaj Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 I am in my mid-thirties and really haven’t had a lot of boyfriends. I find that sometimes I am a little clueless when it comes to what is normal in a relationship and what isn’t. I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year. Both my boyfriend and I have baggage from past relationships, but we were both single for a long time before we started dating. We see a future together and have discussed moving in together and have been starting the process of it. I know that all couples fight, but I have found that the way my boyfriend fights is really concerning me. First off, let me tell you he is never physically violent with me or threatening-I don’t mean it in that way. It seems that he sees the bad things in me easily. I don’t know if this is part of the stage of a relationship –the “Power Struggle Stage” or if he really is just unhappy with me, if his high level of stress is getting to him or what. It seems he is quick to judge me, see the worst in me and then he attacks my character and says that I am this horrible person I am not. After a fight I ask him why did he say those things and does he really think that of me and he says that he didn’t. To me it’s immature. I have training in how to talk to people, so I really don’t think I am setting him off to respond the way he does. I also know not to attack someone’s character in a fight-so maybe I just don’t understand why someone would say something they don’t really mean in a fight because I never would. I just don’t know. This guy is planning a future with me-he talks about our future-is planning it financially and has talked about children. But he seems to see the bad things in me so easily. I think when you love someone you shouldn’t focus in on the bad. You may notice it-but not take it and run with it. Or is it a case where he never learned how to argue properly? Or his stress is getting to him and he’s just being a jerk and taking it out on me? I just don’t get it.
tbf Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 It sounds like the two of you are different types of people. You hyper-focus on positives, he hyper-focuses on negatives. Is there any chance the two of you can meet in the middle? Otherwise, it's not going to work. 1
LittleTiger Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 You've only been together a year and he is already 'attacking' you and telling you that you're a horrible person? Argument or no argument, that's a huge red flag in my opinion. Did you say that after the argument he denies having been nasty to you, or was it that he denies feeling that way about you? Sorry, it's not very clear but it makes a huge difference. What do you know about his previous relationship(s)? You mentioned baggage, but there is a certain kind of baggage that could be very unhealthy, if not dangerous. You also mentioned that he has never been physically violent or threatening (thank goodness), but the mere fact that you mentioned it seems to suggest that you somehow feel threatened by his behaviour during an argument. If that's the case, this may not be the right relationship for you. If he attacks your character during an argument again, you could suggest that if thinks you're that bad, perhaps he'd like to call it a day........and if he doesn't really mean what he's saying then he'd better stop saying it or you will call it a day.
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