Taking the Next Step and Forgetting About the Past

[King_Crimson]

Where should I begin...

 

I guess I'll start from the beginning. When my girlfriend and I first hooked up she warned me that she use to be a bit slutty when she was younger (she was 19 at the time and I was 22; she's now almost 20 and I'm almost 23). I told her it's okay and that it doesn't bother me as long as she's clean.

 

Well, fast forward 8 months and we were on the topic of past partners (which is bad; I totally regret getting into this discussion). I told her mine was 2, which completely shocked her (she still doesn't believe me). When I asked what her number was, she said 'a lot'... which worried me a bit. When I pressed her, she told me she has been with 15 guys in total (including me). This crushed me, considering she has been in two other 1-2 year relationships before me.

 

She basically said she was sexually abused when she was 14 and lost her virginity to some 20-something-year-old guy who took her in when her parents kicked her out (she has a bad past). This obviously made her feel really dirty so she slept around until a bit until she met her first boyfriend (around 5-6 guys before 15). After they broke up, she got kicked out of her house again and had a 'bad 3 months' in which she said she was 'out of control' and slept with 6-7 more guys before she got into a relationship with her second boyfriend. She also got addicted to drugs during this period, dropped out of school, and hung out with a 'bad crowd'.

 

We hooked up a week after they broke up (we had been friends for a while and always liked each other a lot). I had no idea she had this bad of a past. I guess I should have assumed, but I thought it was maybe 8-10 guys at most. Ironically, I wanted a girl who was more liberal and skilled in bed because I'm a pretty sexual person... but I feel like this kind of crosses a line.

 

She assures me that she only slept with friends and it wasn't random guys she picked up at parties or clubs or anything, always used protection, and never cheated on her ex-bfs. She said that they were really good, smart, and responsible guys and liked most of them a lot. She also told me that she's never had an STD and we've both been tested and are clean (she got tested every 6 months since 14-15). She's a very pretty girl and always gets attention from a lot of attractive, well-rounded guys. She was also living on her own from 15-18 and said she was really depressed and was 'looking for love', even though the encounters were really short and evidently meaningless.

 

She regrets sleeping with 10 of the guys but says it shaped who she is now. On top of that, she tells me that I've made her realise her worth and that she's never felt this way about anyone before. I helped her get through highschool and now I've convinced her to go to college so she can further her success.

 

Fast forward to now, we're planning on moving out together soon but, since she told me this 2 months ago, I've been having a real tough time accepting her past, trusting her, and taking this thing to the next level. I feel like I shouldn't care about this stuff because she's very loyal and loves me to death. She does mess up sometimes and can be pretty immature (you can see what I mean from my other thread I have on this site about her), but I feel if I end this relationship I'd be throwing away a really good thing. In contrast, however, I also feel like my past relationship experience might be my downfall (I moved out with my other GF at 17 and wasted 3.5 years of my life in an abusive relationship). Family and friends also tell me to be cautious about this move due my poor decision making regarding intimate relationships.

 

Sigh, any advise guys/gals?

Edited May 10, 2013 by King_Crimson

[Toddbt12y1]

She has many underlying issues. Which I know you know. Until she seeks help for the sexual abuse she suffered; and the trauma of being kicked out of one home by her parents, then another. These she needs to seek therapy for. You need to encourage her to get the help she needs. She feels worthless on the inside. This is expressed, in her promiscuity.

 

Value what your friends and family tell you.

 

You can move out with her, your choice. Expect risk. Expect that chance...she will leave you or cheat again. As I've said, until she gets the proper help. Really. She has to want to get helped.

 

You can continue to encourage her. Even as you two live together.

 

Honestly though, do not play white-knight. It will lead you to misery. Only encourage her and do not be surprised if she fails you again. It is sad. But, she has underlying issues that must be dealt with.

[King_Crimson]

She has many underlying issues. Which I know you know. Until she seeks help for the sexual abuse she suffered; and the trauma of being kicked out of one home by her parents, then another. These she needs to seek therapy for. You need to encourage her to get the help she needs. She feels worthless on the inside. This is expressed, in her promiscuity.

 

Value what your friends and family tell you.

 

You can move out with her, your choice. Expect risk. Expect that chance...she will leave you or cheat again. As I've said, until she gets the proper help. Really. She has to want to get helped.

 

You can continue to encourage her. Even as you two live together.

 

Honestly though, do not play white-knight. It will lead you to misery. Only encourage her and do not be surprised if she fails you again. It is sad. But, she has underlying issues that must be dealt with.

 

Hey, thanks for the response. Just curious so I can understand your perspective: how am I playing the white-knight? Am I being too kind? I've always believed in helping your SO become better I guess. She's helped me through a lot of personal issues I've had and has always been there for me.

 

She now lives with her Dad and has resolved a lot of the issues she once had; she told me that she has changed a lot and is finally happy.

 

I do value what my friends and family tell me, but they like her a lot. They just are worried because they say I fall in love too fast.

 

And she's never cheated on me...

Edited May 10, 2013 by King_Crimson

[Toddbt12y1]

Oh? She never cheated? Sorry. I must have confused myself, trying to recall your previous posts.

 

White-Knight; what I meant by that...I meant, don't try to save someone who isn't willing to first save themselves.

 

But as you've declared; she has been working on her issues. Is a more happier person. That is great news! I am glad she is working on herself! It makes her future better. Your relationship with her a bit easier.

 

I think. If she is showing positive signs, and you love her - why not? Move out with her if you like. I hope it all continues to be promising. Somethings in life require risk

[juststarry6443]

She is only promiscuous when she is alone.

She does not lie or cheat --she's loyal.

I don't see any problems involving affairs, her past and what nots to ever arise in your relationship. It's irrelevant to your relationship with her now, IMO. I think your goal is to help her forget about who she was then.

 

&Maybe I'm too young too understand, but a little over a year and you guys are already ready to move in together? That's quite a commitment.

[King_Crimson]

Thanks for the replies guys.

 

She has already been sleeping at my house every night so we haven't seen moving in together as a big deal (we already know what it's like living together). I guess it is a little fast (it's only just about a year)... but we really connect and stuff... I dunno, we're both on the same level and the heart wants what the heart wants, right?

 

Her sexual past is tough to deal with, but I guess it could have been a lot worse given her circumstance. I know a lot of women my age with a higher 'kill count'... maybe she was just having a good time? Am I overreacting: is it really that bad?

 

Ironically, I would have had the same amount of partners if I could have but I'm just way too shy and quiet.