newyorkgirl1 Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 I need some advice please, this is driving me crazy. I have been dating this guy for 4 years, we are 25, and a couple months ago things were not working out, we had some personal problems to deal with, and we decided to take some time apart, basically broke up. I have had strong feelings for him all the time but needed some space to deal with personal problems. We didnt talk much during the "break" and last month I decided to tell him about my feelings and that I was ready to get back into things. We have been hanging out and hooking up a couple times since then. This is what he said: I would love to get back together but if we do I want it to be for real. I have strong feelings for you but me me as a person I dont know if I'm 100% ready to be the boyfriend you deserve. I think I'm getting there though. I know it is not fair to you how things are right now. I can only be honest, and that is that I love you and I think we will get back togehter but I want to make sure I am ready when/if we try. I know it is not fair to you when I say I need time, and I dont expect you to keep saying ok and waiting. I'm not trying to string you along because that is not right. Not sure what to do in this situation. I love him and want to get back together.
aisuru Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 This is where the hard work comes... Do not respond to him. Go full NO CONTACT. Delete his information from your electronic devices, etc. Tuck away all the pictures and mementos. Move on with your life. Ignore any communication he sends you for awhile, UNLESS, it's to get back together, none of this wobbling. He knows you want to be with him and he has an open door there. He'll let you know if he's ready to open the door again. For now, take care of you. You have to move on. 3
TaraMaiden Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 I couldn't put it better than aisuru has. Tough as it is, you have to take the initiative, because to be honest, even with his - I know it is not fair to you when I say I need time, and I dont expect you to keep saying ok and waiting. I'm not trying to string you along because that is not right. - comment, he'd like to think you will wait for him to make his mind up. Well, he's correct: Not only is it not right, it's also not fair. What he intrinsically wants is for you to suspend your life, until he decides where he wants to go with this. That is completely unreasonable. I mean, what kind of a time-frame is he putting on this: I think we will get back togehter but I want to make sure I am ready when/if we try. How long are you supposed to wait for him to decide when/IF he's ready? (I love the 'if' - !) You're ready now! Why should you sit there twiddling your thumbs, until he catches up? Or - not? Do you have to wait - what... One month? Two? Six?? - Until he says, "You know, I've taken the time I needed to think about us, and no, I don't think this is going to work out....." Nope. I'm sorry, but he cannot hold your heart to ransom like this. Much as it may hurt you - and I know, for sure, it must do - what you have to reply is this: "Thank you for your honesty. I know and appreciate you need time to figure things out, but you are absolutely right: It IS unfair to string me along. So I think it wise to live our lives separately, and do our own thing, because as you rightly say, I cannot be expected to put my life on hold for you. I will give you two weeks to consider what you want to do about us. If after those two weeks, you are still unsure, then I think we can consider this over. I intend to go complete No Contact until *date*. Call me on that day to let me know what you have decided. But from hereon in, we should respect each other's space, and remain incommunicado until then. All my love, *newyorkgirl1*" Please let me advise you in the strongest terms: Do NOT waver from this. If he responds, or contacts you in this time-frame - ignore it, unless it's to give you his decision. but for your own sanity, you MUST go No Contact.... 1
Author newyorkgirl1 Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 Thanks guys, I'm very tempted to ask him if the reason he needs "time" is that he is seeing someone else, idk should I even bother? Last month when I told him about my feelings and that I wanted to get back into it, he said that this was so bad timing, which makes me think he might be seeing someone else. But then why would he even bother telling me "he would love to get back together..he is getting there,,but...". I hate this stupid game and I analyze things way to much.
TaraMaiden Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 If strictly speaking, he's your ex, then really, it's none of your business. But look on the upside; he can hardly object to you finding your wings and tasting freedom. He's put impossible boundaries on you, by ostensibly telling you he's not wanting to bind you.... Well, you don't need to overthink this.... Quit being messed around.
Leigh 87 Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 I am in a very similar position. My ex says he probably wants me back if I change the way I was with him at times. I told him that there is no way I am going to let him string me along; that I will only remain in contact if he genuinely has not lost his feelings, and he badly wants to give it another shot, if I convince him I am serious about making changes. He SAYS that he wants to keep me around because he wants another chance with me; he wants to see how I have gone about changing some things that I do. I think we should give a set time frame, of say... 2 weeks of hanging out, and if they cannot decide by then, then no contact will be the decider. If they do not want us back after having total no contact, then they have moved on rather than holding onto their love for us. ................................. You are at the stage where personally, since it already HAS been months since the break up and since you slept together at night as a couple: I would say he would know by now. I will go no contact before I get to your stage honestly, because if my guy does not know by then if he wants me badly again, then he probably never well. Of course, there is a chance he could come back, but only after no contact. As I said: with a set time limit the guy should know, and should not have the privilege of having your heart when you do not have theirs anymore. MOST people advocate no contact immediately, but I Just go with my heart and while I will follow this rule, I am postponing it for a very short period. Just in case he is NOT lying and does want me back as soon as he sees a change.
Leigh 87 Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 Thanks guys, I'm very tempted to ask him if the reason he needs "time" is that he is seeing someone else, idk should I even bother? Last month when I told him about my feelings and that I wanted to get back into it, he said that this was so bad timing, which makes me think he might be seeing someone else. But then why would he even bother telling me "he would love to get back together..he is getting there,,but...". I hate this stupid game and I analyze things way to much. The second my guy starts seeing other people who even just hooking up again, I would know that he did not love me and want me badly enough. I am only holding on because it is clear that he is no place close to being ready to be with other people yet. The second he is at this stage, I would never want him back. Not unless after years apart, we realised what we had was so special compared to what we had found with other people in the meanwhile, lol.
OwlSoul Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 I would love to get back together but if we do I want it to be for real. I have strong feelings for you but me me as a person I dont know if I'm 100% ready to be the boyfriend you deserve. My ex was saying the same thing. About it being unfair and him feeling like he's being a total *******. He was honest though, and did not sugar-coat it. So I was not really confused. Basically, when I asked what he is waiting for taking his time, he said: 'I want to know whether I want the relationship'. Only you can answer whether the person is seeing someone else. I kept LC with my ex and basically knew what is he doing everyday and etc. Morevoer, he never left any girl for another one and it would take good half a year before a new relationship for him. So I had no doubts that he is actually not seeing someone else and is not seeing anyone else at this moment. I'm very tempted to ask him if the reason he needs "time" is that he is seeing someone else, idk should I even bother? Meh, I asked this from my ex. It sounded like 'Tell me if you're seeing someone else or interested in, so I could move on'. Didn't hurt at all imho. Do you have to wait - what... One month? Two? Six?? - Until he says, "You know, I've taken the time I needed to think about us, and no, I don't think this is going to work out....." I waited for like a month. Then, when I had the feeling it is the time, told to my ex straightaway that I need him to decide whether he wants to continue or not.
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