blossom4792 Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 I had been dating a man for 10+ months. We are both divorced, early 40s, advanced degrees, each with a young child (our children LOVE each other). We both find ourselves geographically in an isolated place (we are actually originally from the same place, same age, very similar life experiences). We just really hit it off, it was a pretty amazing match, all around town everyone just said "why didn't you find each other sooner". Before I go any further, he has a family history of extreme bi-polar (father institutionalized), and he has admitted to a milder form of the same. He is also VERY intelligent (phd, perfect SAT scores) and kind of "odd" in a smart way. I recently heard of the term "Aspie" for Aspergers, and there was something a little like that. He's a little odd, geeky, different, extremely shy. He also had an ugly divorce, and has since had a history of bumpy relationships with women - I was very, very easygoing, but he seems to typically go for very demanding women, and then it goes horribly. The relationship had just progressed slowly and beautifully. We knew every story. We talked every day. He had flown me to different states to meet his family, I was very close with his young daughter who visits a few times a year, we had just planned out our next 5 months on our calendars, we had just traveled to another state to meet his best childhood friend and my best friend. He had introduced me socially to all of his networks, etc. (And we had just had the conversation about getting him out to meet my family, and he was extremely excited, I had to finally say "OK, if we don't get to sleep you are going to hate me in the morning".) He was also very, very, very stressed, overworked, overwhelmed, overcommitted, dealing with two big real estate stresses, financial pressures. And I was just sensing we were coming to a crisis point; this time of year is typically treacherous for me ... and he has definitely never made it to a year with any relationship since his marriage (even with his wife, there was an initial breakup prior to the marriage, etc.). So end of March we had this trivial fight (pretty much our first fight ever), just coordination of something had gone all wrong, and he just said it wasn't working out for him and could he come over the next day and talk in person. He came in, sat down, said his feelings for me had "plateaued" and there was no point in continuing, it was over. Again, two days before this he had called so that we could plan out our summer travel schedule when his daughter arrives, the trip to meet my family, all of these things. Nothing he said really made any sense. I sat calmly, asked him a few questions. He said he was sorry that things hadn't worked out between us, asked if we could hug as he was leaving. (After saying it was over he started trying to sit there and give me the run down of all of his work issues, etc. and I just stared at him like "are you kidding me?"). He said that he had avoided conversations about where the relationship was going because he was hoping his feelings would "get there". But ... we had just had THE talk and he said that although he had had more "intensity" with a couple of women including the ex-wife, that he felt the two of us had this deep compatability, he was very comfortable with me. So again, nothing he said really makes any sense. I did call his mother in another state (she and I had really bonded) and she said that maybe he was depressed, and that ... he wasn't young any more, what did he want if not me ... he had said it was "love at first sight" with his wife, but they just fought all the time, so what kind of a marriage was that? It has been a little over a month, I told him I needed no contact for my own good. But I still feel like something was just amiss, like this story isn't over (and when I have felt this way in the past, I was right ...).
Treasa Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 Maybe he just fell out of the honeymoon phase. While in it, it's easy to say that the other person is perfectly compatible for us and all that other bull****. The short story is that he broke up with you, and I wouldn't advise waiting around for him or trying to figure out the why. It doesn't matter. He told you he doesn't value you enough to keep you as his girlfriend or more. In the future, that might change. It might not. If I were you, I would move on and be grateful that it was only 10 months. Also, don't call his mother. I understand you two were close, but she's still his mother, and he's still going to do what he wants.
aisuru Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 Awww, I'm sorry. I can relate. It's hard to understand the why, but at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is he no longer wants to be in the relationship he had with you. The rejection stings. Take care of yourself and you will be just fine. 1
Author blossom4792 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 Thanks for the responses ... I guess I was trying to post on the "Second Chances" board because it was so sudden and "non-sequitur" and I wondered if anyone had any additional thoughts ... mainly ... o two days before he broke up, he called me to plan our next 5 months (basically due to custodial things, both of our daughters are traveling around all summer and we were trying to coordinate) o two weeks before he broke up, he had taken me back to his family (actually it's a stepmother, not a mother, both parents are deceased) and we had arranged to meet our best friends o two weeks before he broke up, I finally said I needed to get him to the other coast to meet my family and he was SO excited, since he had introduced me to his family he kept saying "so then I will have met your family!" o and then he was (still is) under unbelievable financial and work pressure o and he has a family history of bi-bolar, so there is the possibility of a bi-polar breakup cycle o (and he has a history of being unable to sustain a relationship - trust me, spending almost a year with me, introducing me to his family and networks was HUGE) I was very calm, but unfriended him on facebook (he had done this to a woman who broke up with him, so he seemed surprised by my reaction but said he understood). In the meantime, I know he spent his birthday alone (a week ago) and things don't seem to be going really well for him. But I'm giving him time and space to work things out for himself. I'm doing all of the right things and I AM moving on with my life, but wondered if anyone had some thoughts on the situation. And ... we're not young ... I mean, he may have wanted some amazing passion when he was 25, but he's like 45 and ... we were very bonded, loving, compatible ... So just wondering if anyone else thought that maybe when his stress subsided, and his panic subsided, he might ... be in a position to rethink things ...
inaya42 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 he doesn't want what you want. he doesn't want the relationship that you had. for whatever reason, following his divorce, a warm and healthy relationship with pseudo-familial underpinnings does not appeal to him right now. rather than it's being about you or even his feelings for you, he is likely not completely over his divorce and is unwilling to get into a serious relationship only to have it fail later with far more devastating consequences for all. psychoanalyzing him won't help. trust me -- i have been there. anyone who has been broken up with questions and considers EVERYTHING, including the mental health of the ex's family members. in the end, it doesn't matter, and it is a bit disrespectful in that it implies that the person you love and with whom you have partnered does not have the mental stability to make a romantic decision about her/his own life. he does... you have to let this man go. it will not seem fair or feel good. you will want to hold him to the promise of his words and your early dynamics. he sees the lovely woman you are; he appreciates you, particularly your capacity to love him and have a strong relationship with him. but right now he doesn't want that. if he ever decides that he does, he will let you know. i am sorry. many of us have been left by men we have adored who were not in a place in their lives to make the commitment we so desperately wanted (or felt we deserved) from them. i suggest that you get a little selfish here, get uncharacteristically angry with him, protect your heart, and go NC for a long, long time. please feel better...
GG3 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Have you read much about Asperger's? Bipolar can go hand in hand with that. Logical men tend to expect to be overwhelmed by their feelings so I am not surprised he said his ex-wife was love at first sight. I read a ton about this last year because I went through something similar. It was heartbreaking. I feel for ya. My guy is almost 43. 1
GG3 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 Can you PM me? I'll talk to you more. Your story is VERY similar to mine.
Author blossom4792 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 LOVE to ... I'm at work right now!!
Author blossom4792 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 he doesn't want what you want. he doesn't want the relationship that you had. for whatever reason, following his divorce, a warm and healthy relationship with pseudo-familial underpinnings does not appeal to him right now. rather than it's being about you or even his feelings for you, he is likely not completely over his divorce and is unwilling to get into a serious relationship only to have it fail later with far more devastating consequences for all. psychoanalyzing him won't help. trust me -- i have been there. anyone who has been broken up with questions and considers EVERYTHING, including the mental health of the ex's family members. in the end, it doesn't matter, and it is a bit disrespectful in that it implies that the person you love and with whom you have partnered does not have the mental stability to make a romantic decision about her/his own life. he does... you have to let this man go. it will not seem fair or feel good. you will want to hold him to the promise of his words and your early dynamics. he sees the lovely woman you are; he appreciates you, particularly your capacity to love him and have a strong relationship with him. but right now he doesn't want that. if he ever decides that he does, he will let you know. i am sorry. many of us have been left by men we have adored who were not in a place in their lives to make the commitment we so desperately wanted (or felt we deserved) from them. i suggest that you get a little selfish here, get uncharacteristically angry with him, protect your heart, and go NC for a long, long time. please feel better... Thanks, I really appreciate it, but he really does want EXACTLY what I have, he contacted me (initially through facebook) explicitly because he wanted the pseudo-family, and when the four of us were together (when his daughter was in town) he was sooo happy ... so the only real factor was that he was under enormous stress. Also ... I haven't really gotten into this, but when he broke up with me he told me two things (1) he lost his sex drive because of all of the stress he is under and (2) his feelings for me plateaued ... and it would seem logically that those things would be linked.
Author blossom4792 Posted May 30, 2013 Author Posted May 30, 2013 Have you read much about Asperger's? Bipolar can go hand in hand with that. Logical men tend to expect to be overwhelmed by their feelings so I am not surprised he said his ex-wife was love at first sight. I read a ton about this last year because I went through something similar. It was heartbreaking. I feel for ya. My guy is almost 43. Bingo ... he's some sort of combination of sub bi-polar, aspergers and ocd ... and I can't figure out how to pm you, but I would love to!
inaya42 Posted May 30, 2013 Posted May 30, 2013 (edited) I hear you. the problem with commitment-phobic men is that they like the idea/ideal of being in a relationship more than the experience and requirements of one. the actual relationship often makes them feel confused, smothered, overwhelmed, panicky, bored. and they leave, usually on the verge of something that symbolizes greater commitment: moving in together, summer travel for academics (I am one...), getting married, etc. this is when they put the breaks on things. my ex had depression, anxiety, and avoidance issues. during stressful times of the semester, he became a basket case, and I would read to him to get him through his panicky insomnia to help him sleep. if I was upset with him, he'd avoid me until I showed him warmth. then he'd spill open like a delighted puppy. he was very loving and very fragile in moments, but NOT up to the rigors of a serious relationship... anyway, I'd encourage to take a look at the "baggage reclaim" website. again, my ex who sounds somewhat similar to yours, and this website helped greatly. in the end he wouldn't be a capable, reciprocal partner more because of his personal limits than a lack of desire on either of our parts. good luck. Edited May 30, 2013 by inaya42
GG3 Posted May 31, 2013 Posted May 31, 2013 Well apparently since you are new you can't PM yet. We just really hit it off, it was a pretty amazing match, all around town everyone just said "why didn't you find each other sooner". Mine is 42. I'm 34. I would even catch old people staring at us like we were cute and in love. Before I go any further, he has a family history of extreme bi-polar (father institutionalized), and he has admitted to a milder form of the same. He is also VERY intelligent (phd, perfect SAT scores) and kind of "odd" in a smart way. I recently heard of the term "Aspie" for Aspergers, and there was something a little like that. He's a little odd, geeky, different, extremely shy. He also had an ugly divorce, and has since had a history of bumpy relationships with women - I was very, very easygoing, but he seems to typically go for very demanding women, and then it goes horribly. Mine is extremely shy with women. Engineer, odd, very Aspergers like. It was some friends of mine that pointed that out. Very emotionally flat. He also has anger issues and depression issues. The relationship had just progressed slowly and beautifully. We knew every story. We talked every day. He had flown me to different states to meet his family, I was very close with his young daughter who visits a few times a year, we had just planned out our next 5 months on our calendars, we had just traveled to another state to meet his best childhood friend and my best friend. He had introduced me socially to all of his networks, etc. (And we had just had the conversation about getting him out to meet my family, and he was extremely excited, I had to finally say "OK, if we don't get to sleep you are going to hate me in the morning".) I met some of mine's family too. He wanted to take a cruise together. He was also very, very, very stressed, overworked, overwhelmed, overcommitted, dealing with two big real estate stresses, financial pressures. And I was just sensing we were coming to a crisis point; this time of year is typically treacherous for me ... and he has definitely never made it to a year with any relationship since his marriage (even with his wife, there was an initial breakup prior to the marriage, etc.). Mine is VERY stressed and overworked all the time. A lot of it is unnecessary. From what I read about Asperger's, some of them can have high anxiety and stress. He came in, sat down, said his feelings for me had "plateaued" and there was no point in continuing, it was over. Mine after taking a trip home visiting family decided that he wasn't "feeling the right feelings." I later found out this meant he was asking questions about how to know when you are in love. (he can't decide I guess) When he found out his parents got engaged after 3 weeks, he decided we weren't love...we were just lust. So again, nothing he said really makes any sense. I did call his mother in another state (she and I had really bonded) and she said that maybe he was depressed, and that ... he wasn't young any more, what did he want if not me ... he had said it was "love at first sight" with his wife, but they just fought all the time, so what kind of a marriage was that? When mine returned from visiting his family, he was very depressed. Not a situational depression. Something more. He later told me that before I came along he had been depressed for an entire year and his house was a mess. That he didn't go on one single date. I had a similar conversation with him like you did. "You aren't young anymore...if you don't want me then what in the world are you looking for?" He said "well actually that's my minimum." May have been a faux pas of his but still. Your story may not be over. I felt like you, something is amiss. I later took a job out of state for a while and he called me apologizing profusely. I told him he needed to see a counselor. I'm sure he won't. It's almost a year later and he has met no one. He was hinting at me lately that he doesn't have motivation and isn't dating anyone and flirts with me. I can't figure him out really. It broke my heart last year though. Other details, he said it's been 15 years since he has been able to say I love you to anyone. His definition of being in love is when he is willing to give up all his activities and overworking and extra things and be with someone. I don't think he can do that though.
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