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Accused my 3 year GF of cheating, what do I do/say tomorrow? - long read SORRY :(?

DesmondArchury

By DesmondArchury
in Infidelity

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DesmondArchury New Member

DesmondArchury

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I picked her up from our campus, kissed her, real happy. Then, little by little, I started picturing how she was cheating behind my back and making me look like an idiot, and I just got more and more angry at her for no reason. She asked whats wrong baby, I said nothing wrong. Long story short, 2 hours later we're at her parents' house, and i'm arguing with her throwing in her face how she is cheating on me and using me. She was being tough, but she was really sad, and eventually started crying and telling me its not true, and with who would she cheat.

 

I threw in her face that in the morning when we woke up someone called her, and she wouldn't pick up with me next to her, and that it was probably the 'other' guy. She said it was the woman for her internship telling her they had cancelled (call was around 745am and their apt. was at 830). Another instance was she said tonight she was going to this coworker's house at 8 (some girl) bc she was invited. She doesn't have a lot of friends, so this is a good thing right? Heat of the moment - I said It is probably some guy's house you're just telling me it is a girl.

 

I really wanted to hug her and tell her sorry for being a f****ng idiot, but my mind would not stop picturing her with another man laughing behind my back, so I kept being an angry retarded guy. Eventually I left, and told her to call whoever comforts her at night bc it sure as hell isn't me. I get home and shes txting me like crazy saying are you home? Me being the idiot I am, I thought oh she probably wants to know if the 'coast is clear'. So I replied 'I am not in any danger if that is what you are asking. Let's meet up tomorrow and talk.'

 

So here it is -

1) I am (at least I think) sick in the head. 2 things about me - All my life I have seen my father (my only male role model) accuse my mom of cheating, and making her life hell (it turns out the apple doesn't fall far from the paranoid tree).

 

2) When I was 17 (7ish yrs ago) I fell in love as a freshman with a BEAUTIFUL woman. We went perfect together, loved the same things and she ALWAYS wanted to be with me. A month later at a party my friends from the dorm caught her making out with some guy, as did I. I kicked the guy out and she was super pissed at me and we never talked again. WTF right? Not so perfect it seems. So as you can see, I have an unfortunate distrust in women that was shaped over these 2 things.

 

3) In 4 years since the B***H at the party incident, I have hooked up with many women for fun and 'excitement' but never gotten close. 3 years ago I met the woman of my dreams, everything is perfect. Not one day have I fully trusted her on not cheating at me, and am a paranoid wreck nowadays.

 

4) When I met her, she was in a 5 year long distance relationship. They met every other 2 weeks or so, and it wasn't always 'fun'. I pursued her like hell, and she fell in love with me while being in this relationship. Finally he dumped her for not being faithful or whatever claiming he found someone better, and she happily came back to me and we hit if off VERY hard. Now that I am at my peak of paranoia, I think to myself - what is to stop her from doing the same to me? We are only 3 years, and she broke off a 5 year (although long distance, we see each other a lot), she will cut me off eventually right? Bc (in my mind) women are like this? These are the things that swirl in my head.

 

FINALLY 5) I am picking her up after work and we are gonna talk tomorrow around 8. WHAT DO I SAY??? I always think, oh man she is amazing, im gonna be good to her, but once we are together I just feel betrayal, and it makes me hate her! WTF my gut tells me that something is wrong so I go with it. I do not know what to do.

 

Please, help me out here. I need to make this right. I thought either I somehow believe she is faithful and try to have a healthy relationship OR I break up with her. I love her so much, and she does not deserve to go through this with me. Even if we are in love, it is far from healthy, and I am just not a guy who deserves her. There is NOTHING. No evidence of her cheating in any way, and I am just fabricating stories in my head. But from what I said in 1 and 2, I have a way of seeing women - even the one I love most.

 

Guys and girls, please chime in on this. You can say nasty/mean things about me I really need to hear everything I can because I am so narrow-minded. Just please no 'get a shrink' or 'get a new girl' OR (OMFG) 'stop being so beta you are definitely beta.' I hear this stupid sh*t from my friends ALL the time - doesn't help. They just want me out in the game again so I can go clubbing with them again and scoring every night. I am starting to think I should do this....PLEASE help!

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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Part of why you don't fully trust her is how you two got together. She was cheating with you - And now she's your gf, there's that worry that she is going to do what she did to her previous boyfriend, to you. Meet someone else, cheat and then end it with you so she can be with him.. That's one problem. Magnify that with your insecurity issues and your childhood past, your dad and what you were exposed to growing up, it IS affecting you on so many levels.

 

And, as much as you do not want to be told to do counseling, I AM telling you to do counseling. It's the only way you can learn how to fight those insecurities and worries. Figure out how to handle them and not fly off the handle. You have some deep wounds from the past and those need to be dealt with. If you don't fix this your life will continue to be on a path that makes you feel jealous and insecure, doubtful and mistrustful as well.

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Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

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Counseling. Your fear of betrayal will drive every good, trustworthy woman away when there is no basis for mistrust.

 

look, there are NO GUARANTEES in life with any partner. All you have is their consistent actions over time and your gut instincts.

 

Your gut instinct is broken.

 

Fix it through counseling or your daily barrage of false accusations, yes, a form of abuse, will drive all good women away from you.

 

Plus, insecurity that deep turns most women off after awhile. Confidence and trust are sexy.

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DesmondArchury New Member

DesmondArchury

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Thanks all for many responses, it really helps. I will be picking her up in roughly 9 hours after work, and I will say what I feel is right. Im not sure if threads like this are forever kept, but I will post as soon as I can what I did, and what the outcome was. So if anyone ever has similar stories, maybe mine will help somewhat.

 

And no it is not true that I do not care that I met her while in a relationship - I wish it were different and I have always felt a strong guilt for what I did. If you just knew the way we would lose hours together, how we kind of gravitated towards each other, you could understand the reason for me pursuing her.

BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

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I was horribly cheated on by my ex-wife and it was difficult to put trust in the next woman. I had urges to look at her phone, email accounts, and so forth. I twice had urges to follow her to see if she was going where she said. After the second time, I made a conscious choice to accept that these were MY issues, not hers. I also made a conscious choice to acknowledge that she was not my ex-wife and she hadn't done this to me. I CHOSE not to live that way anymore. But I also got lucky; my paranoia was short-lived and situational, not a chronic problem.

 

I'm sorry to tell you that I also think that counseling is your best bet. One slight spin I might put on it is to invite your girlfriend to your sessions or even discuss doing it as couple's counseling. I would tell her everything you've told us, just like you told us. Apologize to her and open up to her. Admit that you have a problem and ask her to help you through it. A good woman will embrace you for expressing this kind of vulnerability. It will build the intimacy between the two of you. Before you know it, you will be a team and instead of fighting each other, it will be the two of you unstoppable against the rest of the world.

 

Too much of a man for counseling? Your other choice is to continue what you are doing. Given time, your prophecy will be self-fulfilling because she will grow cold and detached from you. And as Spark said, your insecurity will be unattractive and kill the intimacy between you. Then one day it will just take one confident man 5 minutes to accept her for who she is and show her some external validation and she'll dump you like a hot rock.

 

Get a grip on yourself or you'll be doomed to keep repeating this scenario with every woman you meet in life.

Edited by BetrayedH
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Got it Established Member

Got it

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You need therapy to deal with your childhood issues and to help you set the right foundation moving forward. It's like a broken record playing in your head and you need help to change that.

Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

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You have absolutely no reason to disregard the possibility that your mom is/was a cheater (at some point in your parents' relationship) except that she's your mom.

 

Doesn't it strike you as somewhat odd that your mom would be willing to put up with your dad's supposedly paranoid marriage-long rantings about her being a cheater if there was nothing to it?

 

Sorry, disagree here....

 

My H had almost a two year affair with a co-worker. We have successfully reconciled.

 

one of the hardest things to deal with was/ is his insane jealousy in theLAST years...

 

it is called PROJECTION. And it is pretty normal...

 

When you have lied daily, and gotten away with it, to the person who trusts you most in the world...you, if remorseful, forever wonder if they now are telling YOU the truth!

 

File this under: Karma is a Bit!h!

 

Perhaps the OP's father was a cheater. Could be. he has no way of knowing WHO, IF ANYONE, was cheating in his parents marriage.

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JakeFrye New Member

JakeFrye

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I second the back out.

 

Leave, go on a journey to find yourself. So few people really do this. Then, when you come back around, reinvented and strong, you will be your own person. Thus when others do stupid things, it won't rock you so hard. You will have self-worth and understanding.

 

Have fun and get in touch with your inner human first.

 

Of course you could try being honest. Explain what happened and that you are having these irrational feelings and you hope she could work them out with you.

 

+1 on therapy as well.

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DesmondArchury New Member

DesmondArchury

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Hey all thanks for the extra input! Really helps, need as many opinions as I can get. SO I picked her up, and we had a long talk for about an hour and a half. I said everything that I said on here, which I could tell hurt her a lot, but we have to clear this stuff out from the roots right?

 

So there wasn't a 'poof' like magic everything is fixed no. We came to an understanding, and have decided to move forward with our relationship while I work out my issues. Might be a VERY long journey but hey, I know I want to be with this woman. And she has told me after everything I said that she too wants me. I am good with that, and Ill definitely look into the counseling. Not a big fan of it at all, but Ill deal with it, I want this to work. Thank you everyone for helping me out! :)

  • Like 1
jnel921 Established Member

jnel921

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How do you plan on a healthy relationship if you can't let go of your past. She had nothing to do with your parents or the girl who made out at the party. You need to let go of the past and embrace true love when it is in your face and reciprocate that the same way.

 

You want this woman to stay then respect her. I could understand if you had solid proof. But to base your accusations on assumptions only makes you look like an a$$ and spoiled what could have been a great day with her and her family.

 

I am sure her family wouldn't care to hear about the emotional roller coaster you put her on because you cannot get a grip on your own feelings. Perhaps you are not ready for a monogamous relationship. Whe I was younger I dated someone for several years who used to do the same thing to me. It was ridiculous. He got desperate then asked me to marry him.

 

I said no then let him go. I could only imagine the BS he would have put me through.

 

You need to work on yourself if you want any relationship to work out for you. If you want advice. Stop what you are doing and learn how to be nice. Let go of those crazy thoughts and learn how to trust.

 

No one will put up with that crazy behavior.

Edited by jnel921
BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

Posted
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Hey all thanks for the extra input! Really helps, need as many opinions as I can get. SO I picked her up, and we had a long talk for about an hour and a half. I said everything that I said on here, which I could tell hurt her a lot, but we have to clear this stuff out from the roots right?

 

So there wasn't a 'poof' like magic everything is fixed no. We came to an understanding, and have decided to move forward with our relationship while I work out my issues. Might be a VERY long journey but hey, I know I want to be with this woman. And she has told me after everything I said that she too wants me. I am good with that, and Ill definitely look into the counseling. Not a big fan of it at all, but Ill deal with it, I want this to work. Thank you everyone for helping me out! :)

 

Nice job tackling this head-on. You needed to have that open and honest conversation as a starting point. I hope you keep taking the initiative like that on counseling. This really is YOUR issue based on your past, you know? My hope is that taking the step to get into therapy may show your GF how serious you are about your relationship (bonus points for you). And with time and introspection, therapy may really help you to release this paranoia and actually enjoy your relationship.

 

Good luck.

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

Posted
Posted
Hey all thanks for the extra input! Really helps, need as many opinions as I can get. SO I picked her up, and we had a long talk for about an hour and a half. I said everything that I said on here, which I could tell hurt her a lot, but we have to clear this stuff out from the roots right?

 

So there wasn't a 'poof' like magic everything is fixed no. We came to an understanding, and have decided to move forward with our relationship while I work out my issues. Might be a VERY long journey but hey, I know I want to be with this woman. And she has told me after everything I said that she too wants me. I am good with that, and Ill definitely look into the counseling. Not a big fan of it at all, but Ill deal with it, I want this to work. Thank you everyone for helping me out! :)

 

Yeah, don't really care if you're a fan of it or not. The only thing you have is what you told her and she's agreed to move ahead with you, but I speculate, with caution. See, words are cheap. Your actions are going to speak volumes. If she see you are actively pursuing counseling, she's going to SEE (not hear) that you're serious about fixing your problems to be a better man for her. Not only that you're doing it for yourself, but you want to be better for her. She'll see that you value her THAT much. And she'll work with you and be completely in your corner.

 

Counseling would probably be the wises thing you can do.

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