Lolou Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 I've being dating a guy for a month now who I think might be trying to control me but I don't know. Here's the things that are playing on my mind 1. He picks where we go on dates, it's an LDR so he drives to see me and even though he has no knowledge of the local area he uses the net to pick where we should go. 2. I smoke he knew this when he met me but keeps suggesting I quit 3. He has told me he prefers me to wear leggings, I said that's good because I wear them all the time then he said (via text) maybe tighter ones next time 4.he asked if it was ok to meet my mum on the second date, I said no, too early 5.after two week he complained about the distance coming to see me saying he would end it if he couldn't stay at mine as the journey was too much. I said if you wanna end it your choice....he then said oh I am so glad we managed to sort thing when you coming to stay at mine. (?!) 6. He ignored my texts all last weekend, then text on Monday saying he was just having a think about us 7. Said I need to meet his mum as she knows all about me, how I don't know.....he doesn't know all about me He seems nice when we meet up and we do get on, I'm just wondering whether he's a bit controlling because i know it will only get worse as time goes on, I just need an outside opinion in case I'm being paranoid ha.
Author Lolou Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 I don't go to his as often because he drives, I don't. He doesn't actually spend a penny on the dates we sat in his car at a local landmark when I suggested going somewhere else he said 'we are fine here'
KraftDinner Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 Anyway... I dunno if it's controlling per se...but definitely odd. Hmm. On second reflection, someone essentially suggesting how you should dress after you've only known him so long does sort of signal issues.
honeytea Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 1. Have you suggested any places or are you waiting for him to ask you where he should take you? Because he might just be taking the lead. 3. That doesn't sound controlling to me, more flirtatious. I'd buy a pair, honestly haha. 5. You should both be making an effort to see each other in a LDR. Him wanting to meet your mom, or you meeting his this early on... that doesn't sound controlling, that sounds desperate. #6 is the only thing that sounds controlling to me, just that it's passive aggressive/manipulative.
Author Lolou Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 Yes I do suggest places, to which he then says ok I'll have a look on the net before we decide, the he will suggest somewhere entirely different or once he agreed after he checked it out
honeytea Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 Yes I do suggest places, to which he then says ok I'll have a look on the net before we decide, the he will suggest somewhere entirely different or once he agreed after he checked it out Okay, so he did take your suggestion the one time. Just an outsiders observation... It sounds like you're trying to find reasons to ditch him. Are you into him, really? Anyway, the only insight I can really offer is on #6. Ignoring your texts all weekend and then tossing a message your way on Monday, to tell you he was thinking about things... That seems manipulative, to me. That kind of behavior would make me re-evaluate.
honeytea Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 You do not have to communicate every single day. It's only been one month. Texting can be a pain receiving text all day. It's a time waster. If you feel to talk to him you can call him. I totally agree with you on that, but she did communicate with him. He ignored it. If he didn't wanna talk, he should have been upfront. "I don't want to talk this weekend, I'm thinking things over". It's pretty simple.
Author Lolou Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 (edited) I didn't text him all day, I text one on the Saturday and one on the Sunday. On Saturday I said how are you, good seeing you yesterday. The one on Sunday said is everything ok. That was it I didn't harass him for a reply. Then on Monday I asked why aren't you replying and that was his answer. We don't text everyday, just when we do he normally replys and I reply to his. It was odd having to days of silence out of the blue Edited May 10, 2013 by Lolou
LittleTiger Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 If your instinct is telling you he's a control freak, he probably is. Always trust your instincts. They are there to protect you. I realise most people here are saying the opposite, but your 'list' got my own red flags waving about a little so I would tread very carefully if I were you.
Sunshine87 Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 He does sound like a weirdo. I'm sorry but a decent man would ask where YOU want to go....instead of dictating where HE wants to go. He doesn't pay for dates? Has he ever treated you to a nice dinner?
soccerrprp Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 He doesn't sound like he's got it all together. He may be desperate, too eager to push the relationship along, and a little (or more) controlling than he's revealed thus far. He knows that you do not drive, so he should be more understanding. Telling what you should wear is a red flag. Not paying for dates on something nice is a definite red flag. And yes, possibly passive-aggressive....bad news. 2
Treasa Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 You two don't sound compatible or remotely happy with each other. Move along. 2
curlygirl40 Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 There are definitely some red flags here but this is what stuck out to me. He might have some anxiety issues. Researching everything on the internet before he goes, having to pick where you go. Maybe there's an underlying anxiety that he has about something that he hasn't opened up to you about. So it comes across as control but it's really him trying to control his surroundings and not him trying to control you. Not giving him excuses here because I do think you're not compatible in a lot of ways it seems, but just saying that was my first thought. 1
FitChick Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 He's trying to act manly and in control. I think the distance will be the most problematic. He sounds like someone who wants you when he wants you. Immature. How old are you both?
Divasu Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 #1 Does not sound controlling. A scenario that would seem controlling, is if he refused to let you pick the place some of the time. #2 Smoking is not healthy, but, is something you have to quit on your own (the quitting). Him 'suggesting' you quit, is not the same as him 'telling' you to quit. #3 That could be construed as controlling. Now, there are times where a guy likes it when his girlfriend wears particular clothing that he finds sexy. But, there's a difference between telling you what to wear versus sharing preferences IE: "honey, I love it when you wear tight leggins, it really turns me on". After one month of dating though, that seems a bit pushy. #4 A bit odd. I don't know of many men who are in a rush to meet a parent by the second date. #5 A bit aggressive on his part (IE: threatening to end it if he can't stay at your house). A better solution would have been to ask if you would drive to his. Or, you could offer to yourself. #6 Sounds like he is re-evaluating the relationship (IE: "he was just having a think about us"). #7 When someone tells their friends or family about someone, it is usually because they are very excited about that person. But again, I'm not sure why there is an incessant need to meet parents at this stage. In the future, of course. A good rule of thumb to follow: does this person bring out your best, or worst traits? Hard to say at this juncture (one month in). Pay attention to behavioral traits such as excessive jealousy, possessiveness, negative views towards the opposite sex, double standards, etc. 2
curlygirl40 Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 I am 22 he is 36 Is he 36 and never married?? And seems to have these issues with control? My guess is that he has issues that you don't know about yet. I met my now ex when I was 20 and he was 34 (same age spread). At 34 he had never married and didn't even really have a lot of long term relationships under his belt. (Warning, warning, danger.... lol) That should have gone off in my head but there were a lot of reasonable answers to explain that. Spent time in the service, moved recently, etc. He had wicked anxiety issues (and come to find out, Aspergers that had gone undiagnosed his whole life) that turned into him being very controlling and show a lot of anger through the years, because his anxiety was so bad he would control me with anger so he could get his way so he didn't have to do things that were out of his comfort zone. So that's why I guessed that in your case. I know I don't have enough information here to give you that advice, it's just a gut thing based on my experience. Could be wrong. It's happened before.
Author Lolou Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 Yeah he's never been married, I've decided to end it anyway after reading people's advice on here, thankyou for your help 1
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 Is he 36 and never married?? And seems to have these issues with control? My guess is that he has issues that you don't know about yet. I met my now ex when I was 20 and he was 34 (same age spread). At 34 he had never married and didn't even really have a lot of long term relationships under his belt. (Warning, warning, danger.... lol) That should have gone off in my head but there were a lot of reasonable answers to explain that. Spent time in the service, moved recently, etc. He had wicked anxiety issues (and come to find out, Aspergers that had gone undiagnosed his whole life) that turned into him being very controlling and show a lot of anger through the years, because his anxiety was so bad he would control me with anger so he could get his way so he didn't have to do things that were out of his comfort zone. So that's why I guessed that in your case. I know I don't have enough information here to give you that advice, it's just a gut thing based on my experience. Could be wrong. It's happened before. You make very good points. You dated an older guy that was controlling. Therefore, every older guy dating a younger girl MUST be controlling. Awesome logic. OP, just listen to Divasu and be done with it. Her advice is the best you're going to get in this thread.
charlietheginger Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 Mum needs to screen his women... Moms intuition is never wrong Mother do you think she's good enough -- to me? Mother do you think she's dangerous -- to me? Mother will she tear your little boy apart? Mother will she break my heart Hush now baby, baby dont you cry. Mama's gonna check out all your girlfriends for you. Mama wont let anyone dirty get through. Mama's gonna wait up until you get in. Mama will always find out where you've been. Mama's gonna keep baby healthy and clean. Ooooh baby oooh baby oooh baby, You'll always be baby to me. Mother, did it need to be so high?
jeni45667 Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 Sounds pretty controlling to me. A man who demands a lot early on is someone who will be very demanding. Imagine him times 50 more years, every day, demanding something.
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