They don't want you to call. No really, they don't (all about the backhanded breakup)

[SalientPoint]

So after moving on to one week of NC, I realized an important fact. Well a few. First off, all that stages of grief stuff is true for everyone to some degree, and in the beginning stages, denial is a mofo. Especially if you’re a victim to the back handed break up (I wish I could copyright that phrase but I got it from author/comedian Greg Behrendt). This is a concept, like GIGS, that is common enough to be applicable across the board, but unfortunately it can strike at any age range, but which I’ve found is more common amongst women in their mid 20’s to whenever. Most of us have probably been there at least once. A steady emotional distancing from the dumper which the dumpee can easily sense, but when addressed with clear and healthy communication, gets dismissed with either a blatantly false excuse ( ie “ I’ve completely stopped talking and hanging out with you because work is super busy right now. Even though we live together and I work at McDonald’s as the fry cook, I need to focus on work 24/7 and don’t have even one minute free during the day to text you.") Or for the more extreme back handed dumper, just flat out denial and making it look like you’re crazy despite obvious circumstances( ie “ Yes, I only wear my sexy bra and thong combination when we go out to dinner with my male co-worker and never for you, but you are clearly crazily jealous and insecure for questioning me about it!!!”) at this point it is probably over, and there’s nothing you can do except walk away.

 

HOWEVER, thus is the main problem with being a dumpee of a backhanded breakup. Despite them very purposefully breaking up with you by just generally pushing you away and acting awful, they will still try and make it look like you are the one taking the initiative to break up with them, and that you are squarely and 100% the dumper. At this point most of your close friends and family members will know the real deal, but your own head and heart will probably not. Because they go to extremes to make you think this is your decision despite it being anything but, remorse and regret are usually what cause those of us in this situation to fail and delay at engaging and continuing NC. We think, “ Well gee, I did find those text messages calling her hunky male co-worker ‘big daddy’, but she’s very playful and attached to her guy friends! How could I have made such a stupid mistake by asking her to please not throw herself at her male friends, then dumping her after she made out with one of them! I must try and get her back now!!!” Of course not all, even most, cases of back handed break ups are this extreme, but most of the reactions of us dumpees are. Just know that it really is not your decision, and in the end they still checked out of the relationship first despite doing everything to make you feel otherwise. A lot of back handed dumpers may not even know that’s what they’re doing, and might be so deluded because of various personal issues they’ve even fooled themselves enough into truly believing this wasn’t their decision, although I’d say that’s rarer than not.

 

For a personal example/revelation, latest ex played the backhanded breakup very efficiently and well executed, since we had been in an LDR, and that makes it easier since communication is always in question. At barely a week of NC I started thinking (and honestly still have to fight it) “ Well we haven’t seen each other for months, I’ll bet if I made the initiative after all (despite her basically doing everything she could to push me away and breadcrumb me for a month straight while allowing me to give up my fancy apartment for her and move in with my mother) and she saw me in person, she’d completely change her mind and realize what we had and want to work on it!” Though I hadn’t looked at flight prices yet, one look at my latest thread was enough to know I was entertaining it. Then I realized today, well hmm, she hasn’t contacted me either in a week, like at all, whatsoever. Whereas she used to breadcrumb me every four days before I blocked her texts, now nothing. Thus I realized, um yeah, she’s actually pretty totally cool with not talking to me once she actually would have had to call me or e-mail me with an actual message other than just sending me a “ hey” text, of which I'd eventually respond to. So while I would be giving up even more time and resources I don’t have to go try and work things out with her when she broke up with me, she hasn’t talked to me since, so it’s kind of a moot point…. Yeah, she doesn’t really want to talk to me or see me. So, guess I shouldn’t book a flight then!

 

This realization doesn’t actually make me feel any better at all in the recovery process, but like they say, coming out of denial is the first step. May we have assets and resources that make that first step better!

[BustedUpInside]

I think you have a really good way of putting things. Instead of torturing yourself wondering about their motivation for ignoring you (maybe they are just as sad, maybe they are trying to see if I will text first, maybe they just need some space, etc.) you have picked an option (they are over it) that makes it perfectly clear that you need to move on and then you are taking steps to get over the relationship ending.

 

That is really mature and I think it will be easier for you to recover with that thought in mind.

[SalientPoint]

I think you have a really good way of putting things. Instead of torturing yourself wondering about their motivation for ignoring you (maybe they are just as sad, maybe they are trying to see if I will text first, maybe they just need some space, etc.) you have picked an option (they are over it) that makes it perfectly clear that you need to move on and then you are taking steps to get over the relationship ending.

 

That is really mature and I think it will be easier for you to recover with that thought in mind.

 

Thank you! That's very kind of you to say

 

I tried to make it more general advice for people dealing with this kind of breakup/dumper because I feel like it makes it harder to initially move on and stick with NC if you're manipulated into feeling you have some say in the matter. Any break up is usually awful, but I've personally found it's worse if you're getting mind F**** and I feel like these are the most common tactics I've seen.

 

That being said, day 7 NC and this morning I get an e-mail, in the subject line " SalientPoint!!! (well my real name)" and that's it.

 

Lame. Not enough to get me to break NC honey. Just my name and 3 explanation points? Wth.

[mtnbiker3000]

Ha! Back-handed BU. That's classic!! I think I still have knuckle and ring marks on my face from mine Yeah, this is what my ex did too. The last few days I have been back in 'anger' and that makes it a bit easier. Only, a bit!!!

[SimonSerenade]

Very well put mate, I understood it perfectly, basically my situation, the horrible attitude they have towards us is so vile and you honestly can't believe your ears when they start spouting it, that being the case, why would anyone want to hear from them again?, people make it so hard for themselves, myself included and cling on to the hope they will come back and everything will be honky dory, just doesn't happen does it, women are especially head strong in this department and when they write its over, they write it in stone, very rare do thy look back, I don't know what's going on in her head at the moment, I still don't understand where it came from all of a sudden, I still don't understand the reasons and probably never will but either way she had her time to change her mind in the weeks or months that she was probably contemplated the break up.

 

She didn't change her mind and I know in my heart I gave It my all and that's all I could do, the rest is her problem and no amount of words will probably change her mind, it's out of my hands, I love her and becauseof that love I wouldn't dream of clinging on to her if I don't make her happy.

 

Breakups are extremely hard on the dumpee, mostly due to confusion and reluctance to accept what's staring them in the face, accepting its over and your no longer the love of their life is probably going to be more painful than clinging on but in the long haul you spare yourself from so much more.

[mtnbiker3000]

As I've stated time and time again, the rejection is real M'er F'er. So hard to deal with...