Did I blow it and if so is there a way to fix this?

[Imajerk17]

Backstory: I have been talking with this girl online. I respond to her email on Sunday with a (fairly lengthy) reply within 6 hours of her email with my number asking for her number.

 

Monday: She texts me her number towards 9 PM. I don't have my phone on me at the time so I get her number an hour later. I text her back saying that tonight isn't good for me to talk (I was tired and I needed to plan a date) but I am looking forward to talking to her and can I call her late the next day (Tuesday) or on Wednesday.

 

Tuesday: She responds saying late tonight (Tuesday night at the time) is fine. I tell her I have plans with friends and that I can call her at 6 PM (before we go out) or at 10 PM when I get back. She tells me to text her at 10. We banter back and forth a bit after that.

 

I go out with my friends and at 9:30 I realize that we won't be back by 10. I text her at 9:30 asking if I could call her at 10:30 instead of 10. She texts me at 10:15 saying that she is really tired and is going to sleep.

 

Wednesday onward: Since then she has gone completely ghost. I write her Wednesday morning telling her I will call her tonight (and some banter too). No response. I call her Wednesday night and get voicemail. I try her again tonight (Thursday evening) and get voicemail.

 

 

So I asked two of my female friends and they say that she disappeared because she is pissed that I missed the 10 PM phone call time. This seems unbelievable to me. I don't think I'm a terrible person for not having my phone welded to me Monday or for not cutting short my plans on Tuesday. I've returned all her communication pretty fast. I've been doing what I can to talk to her--Monday and Tuesday were really busy for me.

 

Anyway I'd be interested in the board's take. Do you think I screwed up and if so is there a way to fix this? She seems like a really sweet gal.

Edited May 10, 2013 by Imajerk17

[carhill]

You could have called her from your friends instead of sending a text.... IMO, that was the 'mistake', if any was made. Even a brief chat would have been beneficial at that point, considering you've had no personal interaction.

 

Fix it? Nothing to fix, IMO. Just a garden variety miss. Let it go.

[Imajerk17]

You could have called her from your friends instead of sending a text.... IMO, that was the 'mistake', if any was made. Even a brief chat would have been beneficial at that point, considering you've had no personal interaction.

 

Fix it? Nothing to fix, IMO. Just a garden variety miss. Let it go.

 

I suppose I could have done that. I didn't think. But still...her reaction does seem kind of rude/sudden/harsh. I guess in her mind it is justified but still... she seemed so promising.

 

Frustrating.

Edited May 10, 2013 by Imajerk17

[Star Gazer]

This situation happens all the effing time, it's so annoying.

 

Stop making pseudo-appointments to call her, or planning for these sort of "phone dates." Just text her and call her when you can. Otherwise, it's too much pressure, and you're bound to to have something happen where you don't follow through. If you say you're going to call at X time and she agrees and then you don't call, it's just as bad and annoying as standing her up. She could have done something else or talking to someone else.

[Imajerk17]

This situation happens all the effing time, it's so annoying.

 

Stop making pseudo-appointments to call her, or planning for these sort of "phone dates." Just text her and call her when you can. Otherwise, it's too much pressure, and you're bound to to have something happen where you don't follow through. If you say you're going to call at X time and she agrees and then you don't call, it's just as bad and annoying as standing her up. She could have done something else or talking to someone else.

 

You're saying I screwed it up?

 

I was seeing if she was around to talk Tuesday night--24 hours after she texted me her number. My schedule had been really hectic. And I didn't want to play phone-tag. I was only late 30 minutes to talk on Tuesday. I had called her twice since on Wednesday and Thursday so it's not like I wasn't proactive.

 

How would you have suggested I handled this?

 

She is an attractive girl so yeah maybe she is talking to someone else.

Edited May 10, 2013 by Imajerk17

[Cutiepie1976]

You did nothing wrong. I routinely delayed calls by a half hour or hour at the last minute when I did OLD. It was a total non-issue. You have a life to live and time with friends doesn't run on a Swiss train schedule. You need quiet, privacy, and time when you make these calls. Estimates are always slightly off. It would have been a mistake to call her while hanging out with your friends.

 

Either she's interested, and she'll get back to you, or she was ambivalent and this was going nowhere anyway. Par for the course. You left her a message. The ball is in her court now. Carry on with your life, and this will all sort itself out in the next few days. No need for angst and worry. It won't change the outcome.

[honeytea]

I doubt you totally screwed it up. I mean, that does seem pretty rash on her part (in which case, maybe she's not so great after all). She might just be irritated that you essentially "stood her up" two times in a row. The first night, Monday, when you said you were too tired... and the second time, with the 10PM phone call miss.

 

Maybe she's out of town, or maybe she's busy at work, or maybe she just doesn't want to talk? Or any number of things.

 

If you really are upset that this may be a missed chance, I would just write/call/whatever, and tell her exactly that. You like her, you don't wanna blow this. If she still is all huffy over something that small, I'd consider yourself lucky to be out now.

[Star Gazer]

You're saying I screwed it up?

 

Yes, I am.

 

I was seeing if she was around to talk Tuesday night. My schedule had been really hectic.

 

You asked her if she was around to talk on Tuesday night, but then you said you had plans at 6 so you could talk to her before that or when you got back. You're basically setting up an appointment by doing this whole text-to-set-up-a-time-to-talk thing. Given the options you provided her, she picked one. Thus, you had a sort of "phone date." You then basically flaked on that phone date.

 

"I'm too tired/I'm with my friends, too busy to call you as promised" is how your texts would have come across, to me, anyway.

 

If in her shoes (and I have been, several times), I would have just deleted your number at that point, and thought, "Gah, too much trouble....he can't even call when he says he will."

 

I understand your intentions, and that you were oh so busy, and you didn't want to play phone tag, but the way you set this up is annoying and wound up being flaky.

 

With OLD, it's all about first impressions... and follow-through is HUGE, to me, anyway.

 

How would you have suggested I handled this?

 

Once you got her number, you should have called as soon as you had more than 10 minutes to talk, not texted her and made a "phone date" that you couldn't follow through with.

 

She is an attractive girl so yeah maybe she is talking to someone else.

 

You should always assume she's working other options.

[Imajerk17]

Yes, I am.

 

 

 

You asked her if she was around to talk on Tuesday night, but then you said you had plans at 6 so you could talk to her before that or when you got back. You're basically setting up an appointment by doing this whole text-to-set-up-a-time-to-talk thing. Given the options you provided her, she picked one. Thus, you had a sort of "phone date." You then basically flaked on that phone date.

 

"I'm too tired/I'm with my friends, too busy to call you as promised" is how your texts would have come across, to me, anyway.

 

 

StarGazer, I told her I would call her in a half hour. I was running late by 30 minutes. Cripes!

 

 

If in her shoes (and I have been, several times), I would have just deleted your number at that point, and thought, "Gah, too much trouble....he can't even call when he says he will."

I told her I was going to be out with friends that night beforehand.

 

I understand your intentions, and that you were oh so busy, and you didn't want to play phone tag, but the way you set this up is annoying and wound up being flaky.

 

With OLD, it's all about first impressions... and follow-through is HUGE, to me, anyway.

 

Follow-through?? I texted her the next morning and called the next two nights!

 

I suppose next time I would just call the next evening at 6 before I go out and risk missing her. And then we'd play phone tag until we set up a phone date.

Edited May 10, 2013 by Imajerk17

[carhill]

Timing problem. Like I said, a miss. StarGazer makes a good point, that being to avoid 'appointments'. Let the interaction flow. Call her when you feel like it. If you hit VM, that's OK; leave a nice message. What she (or any woman) does with that is completely outside of your control.

[Star Gazer]

StarGazer, I told her I would call her in a half hour. I was running late by 30 minutes. Cripes!

 

I dunno, man. 10 is late to start a phone call with a dude I've never met before. Pushing it to 10:30 would have just... really annoyed me.

 

I told her I was going to be out with friends that night beforehand.

 

And I'm not sure why you did that. I'm not sure why you tried to juggle both. It wouldn't make me feel like you were really interested in spending time talking to me, if I was a quick call before you went out or a call once you got back, late at night.

 

I texted her the next morning and called the next two nights!

 

Too late, I guess. I certainly wouldn't have called her again if she didn't return the first call.

 

Like I said, OLD is all about first impressions. This one wouldn't come across well for me, and there are plenty of fish in the sea. She's never talked to you on the phone, she's never met you, there's no investment on her part. All she knows is you're a guy who didn't call when he said he would. That's enough for me to just move on to the next guy who's calling.

 

Next time, avoid the "phone date/appointment," and just CALL. Who cares if you play phone tag? Just call.

[Star Gazer]

...And then we'd play phone tag until we set up a phone date.

 

Nooooo, that's exactly my point. Phone dates are LAME. Do not set up an appointment. Just call. Play tag back and forth until you're talking, if need be. But don't set up a phone date/appointment. Dates are for DATES, not phone calls.

[Imajerk17]

I dunno, man. 10 is late to start a phone call with a dude I've never met before. Pushing it to 10:30 would have just... really annoyed me.

 

 

 

And I'm not sure why you did that. I'm not sure why you tried to juggle both. It wouldn't make me feel like you were really interested in spending time talking to me, if I was a quick call before you went out or a call once you got back, late at night.

 

 

 

Too late, I guess. I certainly wouldn't have called her again if she didn't return the first call.

 

Like I said, OLD is all about first impressions. This one wouldn't come across well for me, and there are plenty of fish in the sea. She's never talked to you on the phone, she's never met you, there's no investment on her part. All she knows is you're a guy who didn't call when he said he would. That's enough for me to just move on to the next guy who's calling.

 

Next time, avoid the "phone date/appointment," and just CALL. Who cares if you play phone tag? Just call.

 

OK then I guess because I have to juggle a life too I am a horrible person. Look, I only was doing the best I could to talk to her as soon as possible. I had little free-time this evening. I wanted to acknowledge her text quickly. If I am being written off for that...

 

She says she doesn't sweat the small stuff.

[Estate]

Backstory: I have been talking with this girl online. I respond to her email on Sunday with a (fairly lengthy) reply within 6 hours of her email with my number asking for her number.

 

Monday: She texts me her number towards 9 PM. I don't have my phone on me at the time so I get her number an hour later. I text her back saying that tonight isn't good for me to talk (I was tired and I needed to plan a date) but I am looking forward to talking to her and can I call her late the next day (Tuesday) or on Wednesday.

 

Tuesday: She responds saying late tonight (Tuesday night at the time) is fine. I tell her I have plans with friends and that I can call her at 6 PM (before we go out) or at 10 PM when I get back. She tells me to text her at 10. We banter back and forth a bit after that.

 

I go out with my friends and at 9:30 I realize that we won't be back by 10. I text her at 9:30 asking if I could call her at 10:30 instead of 10. She texts me at 10:15 saying that she is really tired and is going to sleep.

 

Wednesday onward: Since then she has gone completely ghost. I write her Wednesday morning telling her I will call her tonight (and some banter too). No response. I call her Wednesday night and get voicemail. I try her again tonight (Thursday evening) and get voicemail.

 

 

So I asked two of my female friends and they say that she disappeared because she is pissed that I missed the 10 PM phone call time. This seems unbelievable to me. I don't think I'm a terrible person for not having my phone welded to me Monday or for not cutting short my plans on Tuesday. I've returned all her communication pretty fast. I've been doing what I can to talk to her--Monday and Tuesday were really busy for me.

 

Anyway I'd be interested in the board's take. Do you think I screwed up and if so is there a way to fix this? She seems like a really sweet gal.

 

She's pissed not because of the call but because you're coming off so weak.

You're freaking out over not replying to her for an hour after the first text... don't reply for a few hours... you shouldn't be at the beck and call of a girl you met online.

 

Next, don't blow girls off. You pretty much said you were on a bad day on your 1st or 2nd text? Wow...! absolutely wow!

 

Next, why do you need to psych yourslf up to text a girl? I hope you didn't say this to her!

 

Next... you just seemed flustered... you were scrambling to find any time to call her (I don't even know why you are calling her). Everything ws about fitting her schedule, then you flaked.

 

You just came off like a hot mess.

 

A few hours after her first text you should have said Hi, asked how her day was and when she replied, set up a date with her... done.

 

As far as getting this back... DO NOT CONTACT HER AGAIN. She is most likely gone but if she's not getting much else online, she might send you a text in a few days... don't bank on it but that's your only hope... more texts or apologies or anything will push her away further.

[Star Gazer]

OK then I guess because I have to juggle a life too I am a horrible person.

 

Dude, you need to chill. No one, myself included, even so much as suggested that you're a horrible person.

 

Look, I only was doing the best I could to talk to her as soon as possible. I had little free-time this evening. I wanted to acknowledge her text quickly. If I am being written off for that...

 

She doesn't know that.

 

What she knows is how you presented yourself to her: as someone who makes an appointment but then doesn't follow through, and pushed her off to hang with friends.

 

You can't help how you're perceived, but you can help how you're presented. You didn't

 

She says she doesn't sweat the small stuff.

 

For some, flakiness isn't small stuff.

 

Again, first impressions...

[KraftDinner]

I don't think she's mad or whatever. I think she took what happened to be a lack of interest on your part, and then SHE lost interest.

 

Dude, it shouldn't be so hard. Scheduling phone dates...what's next? Tweeting appropriate times to text? Just call each other FFS.

[Star Gazer]

She's pissed not because of the call but because you're coming off so weak.

You're freaking out over not replying to her for an hour after the first text... don't reply for a few hours... you shouldn't be at the beck and call of a girl you met online.

 

Next, don't blow girls off. You pretty much said you were on a bad day on your 1st or 2nd text? Wow...! absolutely wow!

 

Next, why do you need to psych yourslf up to text a girl? I hope you didn't say this to her!

 

Next... you just seemed flustered... you were scrambling to find any time to call her (I don't even know why you are calling her). Everything ws about fitting her schedule, then you flaked.

 

You just came off like a hot mess.

 

A few hours after her first text you should have said Hi, asked how her day was and when she replied, set up a date with her... done.

 

As far as getting this back... DO NOT CONTACT HER AGAIN. She is most likely gone but if she's not getting much else online, she might send you a text in a few days... don't bank on it but that's your only hope... more texts or apologies or anything will push her away further.

 

Agree with the bolded.

 

Jerk, you know I like you. But this one just didn't go your way. Time to move on, the way she did.

[Imajerk17]

She's pissed not because of the call but because you're coming off so weak.

You're freaking out over not replying to her for an hour after the first text... don't reply for a few hours... you shouldn't be at the beck and call of a girl you met online.

 

Next, don't blow girls off. You pretty much said you were on a bad day on your 1st or 2nd text? Wow...! absolutely wow!

 

Next, why do you need to psych yourslf up to text a girl? I hope you didn't say this to her!

 

Next... you just seemed flustered... you were scrambling to find any time to call her (I don't even know why you are calling her). Everything ws about fitting her schedule, then you flaked.

 

You just came off like a hot mess.

 

A few hours after her first text you should have said Hi, asked how her day was and when she replied, set up a date with her... done.

 

As far as getting this back... DO NOT CONTACT HER AGAIN. She is most likely gone but if she's not getting much else online, she might send you a text in a few days... don't bank on it but that's your only hope... more texts or apologies or anything will push her away further.

 

Well, maybe I misspoke in my OP in that I didn't tell her in my first text that I couldn't talk now. I just said if late tomorrow evening or Wednesday would be good for her for me to call her.

 

When she responded the next day, I then told her that I was going out with friends Tuesday night and that I could try her at 6 or at 10. No telling her I was tired or having a bad day lol.

 

The day after that I was picking up a friend from the airport. I was just tied up all evening from 6--10 pm.

 

And I do like to talk on the phone prior to meeting. I'm not obsessed with it but I find it makes for more comfort/less flaking.

[Estate]

OK then I guess because I have to juggle a life too I am a horrible person. Look, I only was doing the best I could to talk to her as soon as possible. I had little free-time this evening. I wanted to acknowledge her text quickly. If I am being written off for that...

 

She says she doesn't sweat the small stuff.

 

You're just supplicating so much to someone you don't even know... and then you flaked... it's horrible.

 

Don't be so available!!! But when you say you ARE then you must be!!!

 

It's really not so difficult! You were no challenge... she's probably just been through the same thing over and over like Star Gazer said... I completely agree.

 

I mean, some guys make such a HUGE deal of getting a single number....

I've gotten 12 numbers in the last week online... they still mean nothing, girls flake, guys flake, people change their mind... the texts go nowhere... maybe I'll meet them, but it's an online date, biggest chance is it goes nowhere.

 

And AGAIN.... for the love of god... GUYS OF LS... STOP TEXTING GIRLS 100 TEXTS OR HAVING PHONE DATES!!!!!! Nobody wants them...

 

Get a number, say hello, quick banter, set up a real date... takes 4-5 texts max... then shoot her a message the day of the meeting just to confirm, shows you are interested and gives her an out if she is not. Everybody wins.

[Eternal Sunshine]

If a guy says that he going to call at some exact time and he doesn't, I already think he is a flake and he loses 5 points

[Cutiepie1976]

Just goes to show everyone is different. Texting to schedule a time to talk worked for me, and was/is pretty standard in my circles.

[Estate]

Well, maybe I misspoke in my OP in that I didn't tell her in my first text that I couldn't talk now. I just said if late tomorrow evening or Wednesday would be good for her for me to call her.

 

When she responded the next day, I then told her that I was going out with friends Tuesday night and that I could try her at 6 or at 10. No telling her I was tired or having a bad day lol.

 

The day after that I was picking up a friend from the airport. I was just tied up all evening from 6--10 pm.

 

And I do like to talk on the phone prior to meeting. I'm not obsessed with it but I find it makes for more comfort/less flaking.

 

But can you not stop for a second here and see what you are doing?

 

Look at all these meaningless details, she thought this, I thought that, I had to do this, but I meant to do that, I wanted to call, I wanted to text, I wanted her to understand this and that and on and on and on....

 

Look, you got a girls number online... it's really not a big thing to most girls who meet a lot of guys or get a lot of attention.

None of those above things you're listing out matter... none of them! She doesn't know you, she doesn't know about them, she doesn't care.

 

She just wants a guy who's gonna act like a man, take her number, ask her out and show her a great night out... no over analysing, no awkward phone convos.... just a man taking control and leading.

[Imajerk17]

I was just trying to find a time for me to call her that was good for both of us.

 

I thought 10 pm Tuesday would work. Due to factors beyond my control I needed to push it back 30 minutes. I am really sorry about that (and my lack of free prime time for the next few evenings) but there was nothing I could have done.

 

I missed this time by 30 minutes and I guess she wrote me off as a flake--not interested. Nevermind that it took her over 24 hours to text me her number. OK....

 

I tried contacting her a few times since to show that I am interested. But it's too late. Wow....

[Star Gazer]

Just goes to show everyone is different. Texting to schedule a time to talk worked for me, and was/is pretty standard in my circles.

 

It's very common for me too, and it's fine when he actually calls as planned. It's annoying as eff when he doesn't.

[Star Gazer]

Jerk: Re-read Estate's posts.

 

From what you post and what we've talked about behind closed doors, I think your "problem" is what I hear many guys telling other guys: you care too much. If you give less of a [bleep], but still demonstrate interest, I think you'll have more success.