I'm new to this MM thing

[anom75]

I'm not just new, I'm totally ashamed, but that's another topic.

 

This seems like a safe place to ask for advice, so here goes nothing..

 

I am a happily MW who has a crush on a happily MM in my class. We are in our 30's and see each other a couple times a week (by chance, in class only). I do NOT want a relationship with him, I'm only extremely sexually attracted. I feel confident that I'm much more attractive than his wife and that he could be attracted to me, but never thinks about it. I need advice on how to get his attention. Here's all I've been able to do so far:

 

-I added him as a friend on facebook. He accepted immediately. When I saw him in class the next day, I pretended he wasn't there (zero eye contact), and he actually came over and made a lot of conversation, which was a first. I also caught him staring at me when I wasn't looking a LOT, but he only did it that one day, which sucks. I think he barely notices me now.

 

-I caught him in the elevator more recently, which allowed us to talk for 5 minutes or so. Very normal/friendly conversation. I have no idea how to flirt like this!!

 

- Several of my classmates went out to eat one day, and I went along, since I knew he would be there. I made sure to sit by him, and we talked for 2 hours straight. He made direct eye contact, and we had a great time (with others at the table, whom we weren't speaking with as much). BUT, he talked about his wife and kid the whole time, even showing me pictures of them on his phone!! He also left first (sucky!!)

 

-He later said he was grateful for our talk, since it was a very rough day (as in, death of family, which i didn't know prior).

 

This is a loving, devoted family man who loves his kid and wife. I think he responds well to me, and I'm confident he finds me at least somewhat attractive. I have his attention again, but now that it's summer, classes are already over, so I doubt I'll see him anywhere other than facebook.

 

ANY advice on getting this man's attention? I feel VERY sure he isn't even thinking of me the way I am him!

Edited May 10, 2013 by anom75

[TaraMaiden]

I'm not just new, I'm totally ashamed, but that's another topic.

 

The hell it is, an no, you ain't....

 

 

I am a happily MW who has a crush on a happily MM in my class. We are in our 30's and see each other a couple times a week (by chance, in class only). I do NOT want a relationship with him, I'm only extremely sexually attracted. I feel confident that I'm much more attractive than his wife and that he could be attracted to me, but never thinks about it. I need advice on how to get his attention. Here's all I've been able to do so far:

 

-I added him as a friend on facebook. He accepted immediately. When I saw him in class the next day, I pretended he wasn't there (zero eye contact), and he actually came over and made a lot of conversation, which was a first. I also caught him staring at me when I wasn't looking a LOT, but he only did it that one day, which sucks. I think he barely notices me now.

 

-I caught him in the elevator more recently, which allowed us to talk for 5 minutes or so. Very normal/friendly conversation. I have no idea how to flirt like this!!

 

- Several of my classmates went out to eat one day, and I went along, since I knew he would be there. I made sure to sit by him, and we talked for 2 hours straight. He made direct eye contact, and we had a great time (with others at the table, whom we weren't speaking with as much). BUT, he talked about his wife and kid the whole time, even showing me pictures of them on his phone!! He also left first (sucky!!)

 

-He later said he was grateful for our talk, since it was a very rough day (as in, death of family, which i didn't know prior).

 

This is a loving, devoted family man who loves his kid and wife. I think he responds well to me, and I'm confident he finds me at least somewhat attractive. I have his attention again, but now that it's summer, classes are already over, so I doubt I'll see him anywhere other than facebook.

 

ANY advice on getting this man's attention? I feel VERY sure he isn't even thinking of me the way I am him!

 

 

The best way to find out how to attract a man's attention - is to ask a man how to grab his attention.

 

Why don't you ask your H?

I'm sure he'd be happy to give you some hints.

[whichwayisup]

I'm not just new, I'm totally ashamed, but that's another topic.

Do post that other topic.

 

 

I am a happily MW who has a crush on a happily MM in my class. We are in our 30's and see each other a couple times a week (by chance, in class only). I do NOT want a relationship with him, I'm only extremely sexually attracted. I feel confident that I'm much more attractive than his wife and that he could be attracted to me, but never thinks about it. I need advice on how to get his attention. Here's all I've been able to do so far:

 

If you are so happily married, why are you lusting and chasing after another man, let alone a MM? What's broken inside of you to want to go after another woman's husband? Why do you feel you're more attractive than his wife? What is wrong with your own husband? IF you feel unhappy with him, if he isn't meeting your needs, communicate that to him! You are married, not single! I'm just trying to understand why you'd knowingly try to woo a man who is married..And you have a husband at home. Are you willing to lose everything over this?

 

-I added him as a friend on facebook. He accepted immediately. When I saw him in class the next day, I pretended he wasn't there (zero eye contact), and he actually came over and made a lot of conversation, which was a first. I also caught him staring at me when I wasn't looking a LOT, but he only did it that one day, which sucks. I think he barely notices me now.

 

He probably feels like you're coming on too strong and is backing off.

 

-I caught him in the elevator more recently, which allowed us to talk for 5 minutes or so. Very normal/friendly conversation. I have no idea how to flirt like this!!

 

- Several of my classmates went out to eat one day, and I went along, since I knew he would be there. I made sure to sit by him, and we talked for 2 hours straight. He made direct eye contact, and we had a great time (with others at the table, whom we weren't speaking with as much). BUT, he talked about his wife and kid the whole time, even showing me pictures of them on his phone!! He also left first (sucky!!)

 

-He later said he was grateful for our talk, since it was a very rough day (as in, death of family, which i didn't know prior).

 

Sorry, but you're acting like a love crazed teen. You're playing with fire and are gonna get hurt! As well as you're hurting your husband (do you have children? If so, you're hurting them as well) and betraying him, going against your vows.

 

This is a loving, devoted family man who loves his kid and wife. I think he responds well to me, and I'm confident he finds me at least somewhat attractive. I have his attention again, but now that it's summer, classes are already over, so I doubt I'll see him anywhere other than facebook.

 

Again, so why bother? This man is dedicated to his family. He's a family man, so why on earth are you trying to throw yourself at him? He loves his wife and children. You need to focus on your husband and stop gaining this MM's attention! Why does it matter so much that you need this MM's attention and focus on you? Insecure? Mid life crisis?

 

This isn't an innocent crush. This is beyond that and you're scheming and planning, taking away love and energy from your home life, distracting you and making you want this MM more each day.

 

ANY advice on getting this man's attention? I feel VERY sure he isn't even thinking of me the way I am him!

 

No advice to gain his attention. My advice is to .. Stop! If you feel he isn't into you, and it does seem like he's not from what you've said. Leave him alone.

 

Go to counseling and figure out what is missing within you. Something is wrong here, I hope you see this? You have a life with someone who loves you, your husband! Yet you're risking it all for some MM that you have a crush on and are desperate for his attention.

 

My words are harsh, but they are coming from a good place. You're about to mess up your whole life, your marriage if you don't stop.

[ThatJustHappened]

Therapy. You need it. Desperately. Something is VERY VERY wrong here. This behavior is not normal and it's not ok. You actually should be ashamed of yourself.

[veryhappy]

How are you happily married? If you want an open M, ask your H.

 

I'll tell you what I have done. Early 30s, crushed terribly on a married man. I was far from happily married though. Nevermind...so I made up my mind first that I was okay having an A. You seem to have done that already. Then I approached him and asked if he was interested in an A. The response? "You know I'm married, right?" followed by "but I wouldn't want to miss the opportunity".

 

If you're only after sex, unfortunately most married men seem to think it's their manly duty to accept any available sex, so you're unlikely to be turned down.

 

It has nothing to do with who's more attractive, so don't even worry about that.

[underwater2010]

You are playing with fire. Now the question is are you ready to get burned?

 

You need to stop looking for approval outside your marriage and fix what is wrong in your marriage.

 

Do yourself a favor and read many of the recent posts on here...both from OW and the BS. Even the one posted by the daughter of a cheating father. Then step back and think for awhile. Once it all sinks in, come on back and give your "valid" reasons for wanting an affair. We might be able to help you more.

[Ladydrib]

-

ANY advice on getting this man's attention? I feel VERY sure he isn't even thinking of me the way I am him!

 

Trust me when I say you are making a huge mistake by wanting to get his attention and if you're kidding yourself by thinking it will stop at attention, open up your eyes. It doesn't work that way. You will be sucked in so deep you'll wonder where the "you" you have always been proud to be went. You'll wonder where the strong woman you were went. Your life will turn into a disaster. You will go through terrible things. We all do and most of us believed it would never happen to us. I personally thought it could not turn into and affair. But it did. And then I thought I could stop it and spent a LOT of time trying to make that happen. Most of the time unsuccessfully. The sad part is that it usually cannot be stopped until a lot of damage is done to everyone involved including your own heart. And then nothing more comes out of it. You are left only with the pain. The regret. The shame. The horror of the terrible things that happened. In some cases unwanted pregnancies, stalking, lying, screwed up careers, damaged children, destroyed relationships, public humiliation, spouses finding out, etc. All for attention? Would you say it's worth the risk? If you need attention while you are happily married, find out why. Go to counseling. Go to couples counseling. Try to fix it. Or just get out. But trust me, you do NOT want to try to open this door.

 

I know this is not the advice you want but it IS the advice you NEED. Only you can make these decisions for yourself. I hope you take my advice.

[Summer Breeze]

I'm not just new, I'm totally ashamed, but that's another topic.

 

This seems like a safe place to ask for advice, so here goes nothing..

 

I am a happily MW who has a crush on a happily MM in my class. We are in our 30's and see each other a couple times a week (by chance, in class only). I do NOT want a relationship with him, I'm only extremely sexually attracted. I feel confident that I'm much more attractive than his wife and that he could be attracted to me, but never thinks about it. I need advice on how to get his attention. Here's all I've been able to do so far:

 

-I added him as a friend on facebook. He accepted immediately. When I saw him in class the next day, I pretended he wasn't there (zero eye contact), and he actually came over and made a lot of conversation, which was a first. I also caught him staring at me when I wasn't looking a LOT, but he only did it that one day, which sucks. I think he barely notices me now.

 

-I caught him in the elevator more recently, which allowed us to talk for 5 minutes or so. Very normal/friendly conversation. I have no idea how to flirt like this!!

 

- Several of my classmates went out to eat one day, and I went along, since I knew he would be there. I made sure to sit by him, and we talked for 2 hours straight. He made direct eye contact, and we had a great time (with others at the table, whom we weren't speaking with as much). BUT, he talked about his wife and kid the whole time, even showing me pictures of them on his phone!! He also left first (sucky!!)

 

-He later said he was grateful for our talk, since it was a very rough day (as in, death of family, which i didn't know prior).

 

This is a loving, devoted family man who loves his kid and wife. I think he responds well to me, and I'm confident he finds me at least somewhat attractive. I have his attention again, but now that it's summer, classes are already over, so I doubt I'll see him anywhere other than facebook.

 

ANY advice on getting this man's attention? I feel VERY sure he isn't even thinking of me the way I am him!

 

 

If you've really and truly have been reading LS you know full well this wouldn't be a 'safe' place to ask for help in this. I don't know of 1 person on here who would encourage you to actively cheat on your H and to treat this guy like some sort of prey.

 

I pretty much put ditto marks around everything everyone else has said. You frighten me because you make it look so frivolous and like a game. I'd feel much better if I thought you weren't being sincere.

[sweet_pea]

If you are happily married, why chase after someone else and potentially be a part of destroying a marriage? Especially if he appears to be happy in his and a family man?

 

Clearly, at least for now, he does not seem to reciprocate your feelings. Take it for what it is. Why go after him if he isn't going after you? Preying on someone, manipulating them into a relationship, whether coming from the MM or the OW is just messed up.

 

I agree, I think you need some therapy or at least to take a long look at yourself and see why you want to engage in an affair, especially if you claim to be happy.

 

If something does happen, and I hope not, for all accounts, it will most likely end badly.

[loredo21]

STOP!

Stop it now. Read my story. Hell, read ANY OW story on here. It is more of the same over and over. some make it out just "okay" others (like me) make it out lucky to be alive. But no one makes it out with their heart in one piece. Total and complete devastation for what?! What if you finally get him in the sack and he doesn't even know where to put it? Trust me it is not always worth it. The fantasy we build up in our heads is soooo much better. Stick with that. There is nothing wrong with looking. Like my mom always said "just cause you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't look at food". There are always going to be attractive men that you think may also find you attractive. Enjoy the occasional fantasy, giving yourself a little pleasure (as I'm sure it would be much better than anything he can do). Or even better, use all that sexual energy to go home and bang the crap out of your wonderful husband. He deserves it more than OM. Don't kid yourself, you will get in too deep very very fast. And have deep regret the rest of your life. If you are in fact in a happy marriage, stick with that. But definitely get yourself into IC to see what this attention seeking might be related to.

Good luck and for god's sake don't do it!

Edited May 10, 2013 by loredo21

[sybo24]

Please dont start anything with this man.

 

I was having an affair with a MM and it ended again this week. If I could go back to the beginning I would stop it before anything got started and leave so many people with pain and hurt. THis wont ever go away.

 

Look at the reasons why you are interested in him and try and work on that.

 

This is destined to cause you only cause you hurt.

 

Good luck xx

[anom75]

I'm surprised at some of the judgements here. This is a thread about people who are dating MM and trying to take them from their family. If you speak from experience and want to advice against this, that's perfectly fine. But don't act like you are better than me, just because I too am married. It's wrong both ways.

[ThatJustHappened]

You haven't done anything yet. You're desperately trying to start a relationship with another married person (who is obviously not interested in you romantically). People here are trying to help you avoid making a huge mistake.

 

Something is obviously very broken in you. Something is wrong. I hope you seek therapy instead of an affair.

[DelusionalOne]

Technically... I guess you are correct this board is for OW/OM. BUT 99% of the people out here are out of the affair relationship, those who aren't are seeking support to get out of it. I am 99.9% certain you've stumbled onto the wrong board if you are looking for tips and tricks in how to land a married man.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm surprised at some of the judgements here. This is a thread about people who are dating MM and trying to take them from their family.

 

...And the judgements surprise you?

 

 

If you speak from experience and want to advice against this, that's perfectly fine. But don't act like you are better than me, just because I too am married. It's wrong both ways.

Then why are you doing it?

 

If we are not doing it, because we know it's wrong, doesn't it stand to reason that "We are 'better' than you"....?

 

Not sure what your objection is, to our judgement, seeing as you know 'it's wrong both ways'....

[Goodbye]

I'm surprised at some of the judgements here. This is a thread about people who are dating MM and trying to take them from their family. If you speak from experience and want to advice against this, that's perfectly fine. But don't act like you are better than me, just because I too am married. It's wrong both ways.

 

 

I am a fOW to a MM. I was drawn to this site because I was SO isolated in my heartbreaking grief, a google search led to here. At the top of this OM/OW section, you can read the description: "The Other Man/Woman, The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who FIND themselves involved with a commited partner."

 

Most of us here DO NOT want to be. We misled ourselves or let our "other" mislead us into thinking the love we were feeling had somewhere to go. Most of us here are grieving our losses and are saddened by our own lack of judgement that allowed us to fall for someone taken...or in some cases, break our own relationships with our spouses.

 

This is serious stuff.

 

So, if you don't feel "supported" in your questions about how to mess up your self described happy marriage, please don't be surprised. This probably isn't the right place. I'm sure there are seedy dating websites for such things?

 

Good luck.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

OP - this is a good thing that your classes have ended and you don't have regular contact with him. Focus on your husband and forget this guy. I understand the attraction, I really do, but do not do this.

 

Take it from one who has been there and ruined a great friendship (one I miss so much) - it is not worth it in the end. It will end tragically.

[Owl]

Actually, I'll give you the advice you seek.

 

Tell him point blank that you want to jump his bones. If he's interested and willing, you'll know.

 

It's really that simple. Men are not complicated, complex critters.

 

The REAL question here is...then what???

 

Have you given it that much thought? Considered the possible outcomes of a "yes, let's go"? Who's gonna get hurt? Have you researched online yet the damage you're likely to do to your H, your family, yourself if you follow through with what you're contemplating?

 

Fantasy is one thing...standing there stunned while looking at your H holding his head in his hands sobbing is entirely another.

 

You might give that part of things a little more thought, and don't worry so much about the easy part of finding out if he's willing to play or not.

[veryhappy]

don't act like you are better than me, just because I too am married. It's wrong both ways.

 

I don't get this phrase. I doubt anyone acted like they are better than you just because you are married. A lot of us are or at least were at the time of the A. We're not some weird unmarriable women who need a married man because nobody will propose. Some of the people giving you advice have been there, done that.

 

You are blind to the realities of an A andfrankly seem uninterested to it. You need to be a sociopath to be able to go have sex with a person, clean yourself up and go back to your happy marriage without any side effect. Things get really complicated.

 

If your problem is seducing him, you don't have a problem. Offer sex and that's all. He'll probably jump at the opportunity.

Edited May 10, 2013 by cutedragon

[psm04]

Regardless of whether you are married or not, getting into this is only going to cause negative effects. I'm not trying to be judgmental. I am a MW who had an affair with a MM. It messed me up completely to where I don't even think I was the same person the whole time I was in the affair. It led me to do things I'd have never done, to lie to my husband, etc. I still struggle with the aftermath. If you are happily married like you say, then your husband doesn't deserve this. Plus, from what you wrote, this guy seems like a good family guy. I'm sure he can sense the vibes from you, and that's probably why he was showing you pics of his family and talking about them, to let you know that that is where he belongs.

 

I know someone who is married to a wonderful guy, but would sleep with other men and not feel a single ounce of guilt about it. She's admitted this to me, and it is something that I just cannot relate to. Anyway, if you are able to do that, then good for you I guess. But I feel like this guy is the wrong guy to do that with, since he sounds like he has a conscience. So even if you are able to lead two separate lives without feeling bad, he probably won't be able to.

[whichwayisup]

I'm surprised at some of the judgements here. This is a thread about people who are dating MM and trying to take them from their family. If you speak from experience and want to advice against this, that's perfectly fine. But don't act like you are better than me, just because I too am married. It's wrong both ways.

 

I didn't judge you. I gave you some harsh advice, a reality check, with hopefully enough to make you really stop and think about what it is you're about to do.

 

But, it's your life. If you want to chase after a MM and have an affair, go ahead. You're gonna do what you're gonna do. JUST OWN your part in all this when your husband finds out about your impending affair. And one day he will.

 

I DO hope you re-think it all though. You could lose all that you love. The life you have now, gone! All for what? Gaining some married guys attention and sex? One day you could look back and regret it all.

[Summer Breeze]

I'm surprised at some of the judgements here. This is a thread about people who are dating MM and trying to take them from their family. If you speak from experience and want to advice against this, that's perfectly fine. But don't act like you are better than me, just because I too am married. It's wrong both ways.

 

I judge you. I'm not better than you but I judge you. You're looking for moral support in manipulating someone into doing something you want, not necessarily what they want. You haven't fallen in love with someone, you're blatantly pursuing them and figuring out how you can get around what appears to be some decent boundaries. I think that's low and I hope if you do manage to get this guy involved, your H finds out and kicks your a## out. You're a predator and like I said it scares me at how frivolously you treat it.

[ComingInHot]

Anom75,

Are these thoughts you write something that you would be excited to share with your mother? Father? How about your sister/s or brother/s if you have any?

Is this "thing" you want to do, something you would share with your daughter/s or son/s if you have any?

How about your boss (if you work) and/or co-workers?

Would you be excited to share these thoughts with your pastor? How about close friends and or extended family?

 

I have tried to think of people that one would normally trust with secrets and or share exciting and not so exciting news with. People who would love you no matter what your success/s or failure/s.

 

If you answer no to any ONE of these people, ask yourself why? Then answer yourself. Out Loud. Let you hear yourself Speak the reason/s.

 

It is my hope that you use your intelligence to way the consequences of your actions and how it will (may) impact you and those who surround you.

 

If you a "good" with the possible consequences then by all means Tell this MM you want to know what it feels like to have him all over you. Chances are, he at least think about it and maybe say "sure thing just DON'T TELL Anyone because it's... Wrong".

 

Good luck to you Anom75

[underwater2010]

I'm surprised at some of the judgements here. This is a thread about people who are dating MM and trying to take them from their family. If you speak from experience and want to advice against this, that's perfectly fine. But don't act like you are better than me, just because I too am married. It's wrong both ways.

Just to clarify this is for OW/OM in an affair and trying to get advice on how to deal with it or get out. Not necessarily for tips on how to get into one....although you just might get some of that advise.

 

Most here want to research exactly what you are getting into and why. If you are looking for tips on how to get into and/or continue an affair there are plenty of other websites that will help you. In fact they will encourage you whole heartedly.

[TaraMaiden]

I completely understand your confusion. Yes, this is a forum about people who are dating MM/MW and are trying to take them from their families (in many cases). These same OW/OM who judge you are engaged in exactly the same behavior you are pondering for yourself. They distinguish their behavior from yours by using a myriad of excuses, e.g. "it just happened", "he was separated/unhappy/unfulfilled/etc.", or my personal favorite, "the MM cajoled me into it". The fact is, these affair partners who feign shock at your boldness, are engaged in the same sleazy, immoral conduct for which they chastise you. The only difference between you and most of them is your blatant honesty about it.

.... .don't let the OW on this thread bully you - they are no different than you. They are just lying to themselves.

Well include me out.

 

I am not an OW, OM or MM.

 

I am married, in a faithful relationship.

 

I have no issues on that particular score....