When is the right time to ask if we are 'exclusive'?

[lamaga]

So, I've started seeing this guy about two weeks ago. We went on three dates so far. He lives in a different city an hour away and we text twice or so each day that we can't see each other and have skyped a few times as well.

 

On our first date we realized right away that we get along amazingly.

We also kissed.

On our second date we kissed and made out. We also went to a bar and drank a bit too much and had very interesting, intellectually stimulating conversations. I spent the night without

The third date was really nice too. He is charming, mature, very obliging and virtuous like nobody I have ever met. He's cute as hell, too.

 

I have stopped seeing other people even though we haven't told each other that we are exclusive. I still talk to some guys that are interested in me, but I don't go on dates with other guys.

 

He said, the last time we said goodbye that he was going to miss me. He also once referred me as his 'ladyfriend'. I, on my side, haven't really said anything lovey dovey like and haven't made any moves.

 

He is currently writing his dissertation and is very busy doing that every day. His schedule is pretty tight so I am delighted he is coming to visit me tomorrow for the first time.

 

Today I didn't hear from him all day, which made me feel a bit weird, since he usually is the first one to text, write on skype, get in touch in general.

 

He told me today he had a friend visit (at around 8.30pm) and that he calls later. He texted at 1am asking if I was still up, then called and apologized for getting in touch so late, his friend stayed longer and he had to walk 'them' to the subway.

 

I don't want to sound paranoid, but should I expect he is still seeing other people? I mean, I guess I wouldn't mind, but perhaps I am wondering about this and thinking a lot about this because deep within I am perhaps ready to not see other people anymore.

 

I know it's been only two weeks, but I really like this guy and want to just do things right.

I am extremely excited for tomorrow.. I have planned to cook for him (it's his birthday next week and I won't see him during the week).

 

So... yeah... what do you guys think, should I just see how tomorrow's date goes (he will be staying the night), should I ask him if he is still seeing other people, or is it too early to ask that?

I mean, really, I don't think he has time to see other people, and I am fairly confident he is into me a lot, but still, sometimes just 'waiting' for the other person to make a move is DRAINING and I feel like I wanna be bold for once.

Is that courageous or stupid?

Maybe I am just a bit too excited...

 

Hope to get some advice.

[salparadise]

Well, if he's staying over and you've not had sex yet, then perhaps it's time to have the talk. A lot of people, men and women, see the beginning of a physical relationship and exclusivity to go hand in hand. Personally, I wouldn't be put off if the woman brought it up as we were about to get physical. Another option might be to just hint at the topic and see if he takes the lead. You're certainly within your rights to require exclusivity as a condition of becoming sexual. The risks involved make it a very practical choice as well.

[lamaga]

Oh, and I didn't finish one sentence in my first post: I spent the night - without sleeping with him. We made out but both were dressed in underwear AND shirts. I didn't let him move near my breasts at all.

So yeah, I am aware he is probably thinking about getting it on with me this weekend. And it's not that I wouldn't want to, I do want to..

But... I want to do things right.

I feel like a stupid teenager who is about to lose their virginity.

Honestly, I haven't done things right in a long time.

 

Anyway...

[Star Gazer]

His "friend" sounds like a date, otherwise he'd identify them for you, e.g., "My buddy Nate is coming over..."

 

I'd say the right time to establish exclusivity is when (1) you're pretty sure he's not seeing anyone else, and (2) prior to having sex.

[lamaga]

His "friend" sounds like a date, otherwise he'd identify them for you, e.g., "My buddy Nate is coming over..."

 

I'd say the right time to establish exclusivity is when (1) you're pretty sure he's not seeing anyone else, and (2) prior to having sex.

 

Mh, so should I just be bold and ask him tomorrow when he comes over?

Or.. if he wants to have sex tomorrow night, should I just say no?

[Star Gazer]

Mh, so should I just be bold and ask him tomorrow when he comes over?

Or.. if he wants to have sex tomorrow night, should I just say no?

 

What do you want? Do you want to be exclusive right now? Do you want to have sex right now?

 

Are you prepared for him to say, "I'm not ready to be exclusive, I'm still dating other women"?

[todreaminblue]

Mh, so should I just be bold and ask him tomorrow when he comes over?

Or.. if he wants to have sex tomorrow night, should I just say no?

 

 

dont have sex with him....find out what you need to know, dont put yoruself in a situation of vulnerability.....i also feel this .....he wouldnt have walked a guy to the subway......find out what you need and what your heart tells you to say first before you go any further.....its too soon for anythign else...than to clarify where you stand.....deb

[lamaga]

What do you want? Do you want to be exclusive right now? Do you want to have sex right now?

 

Are you prepared for him to say, "I'm not ready to be exclusive, I'm still dating other women"?

 

Yeah, I am ready for everything. Either would be ok with me, I just don't like that wishy washy stuff...

[lamaga]

dont have sex with him....find out what you need to know, dont put yoruself in a situation of vulnerability.....i also feel this .....he wouldnt have walked a guy to the subway......find out what you need and what your heart tells you to say first before you go any further.....its too soon for anythign else...than to clarify where you stand.....deb

 

 

Yeah, I thought that too. I was probably a bit disappointed sounding on the phone... I think he might have sensed that. He's not stupid. But he's also not a very private person, he does talk a lot about himself and his past and also past relationships. I am just confused as to why he would go on dates if he seemingly wants to spend a lot of quality time with me. Like, when I stayed over at his house, the next day I wanted to leave but he told me he liked my company and while he did some work for his dissertation, I sat next to him reading, and when I said I had to go, he said he was gonna miss me. I just said "OK" and he said "I am sorry, I didn't want to scare you".

He's a pretty good guy from what I can tell, a good catch too... Honest anyway.

 

 

I am confused as to why he would still go on dates when it clearly seems that he is super interested in me. Actually, I feel like this is the first time in a long time that a guy is more investing in me than I am in them...

 

Anyway.. so NO sex tomorrow, check.

How do I make this not awkward?

[Star Gazer]

I am confused as to why he would still go on dates when it clearly seems that he is super interested in me.

 

Interest, even super interest, doesn't necessarily mean that he wants to be in an exclusive relationship with you.

 

However, if exclusivity is what you want, and being non-exclusive with him from this point forward is unacceptable to you, then you need to bring it up. However, given his visit from his "friend," and his drop in communication, I would prepare yourself for a response that he's not ready for or not looking for an exclusive relationship.

[todreaminblue]

Yeah, I thought that too. I was probably a bit disappointed sounding on the phone... I think he might have sensed that. He's not stupid. But he's also not a very private person, he does talk a lot about himself and his past and also past relationships. I am just confused as to why he would go on dates if he seemingly wants to spend a lot of quality time with me. Like, when I stayed over at his house, the next day I wanted to leave but he told me he liked my company and while he did some work for his dissertation, I sat next to him reading, and when I said I had to go, he said he was gonna miss me. I just said "OK" and he said "I am sorry, I didn't want to scare you".

He's a pretty good guy from what I can tell, a good catch too... Honest anyway.

 

 

I am confused as to why he would still go on dates when it clearly seems that he is super interested in me. Actually, I feel like this is the first time in a long time that a guy is more investing in me than I am in them...

 

Anyway.. so NO sex tomorrow, check.

How do I make this not awkward?

 

 

hey,

 

dont worry about the awkwardness just breathe through it...everything is awkward when its new .........its like putting feelers out ....and you do it carefully....establishing boundaries i guess....

 

 

one thing i know about dating in my sphere if i truly like someone, i set them apart from male friends...i only "date" potential partners and i always start with friendship...maybe that is what you need to determine with him that line between friendship and romantic interest, I let a guy know...I feel for you more than a friend ...it doesnt happen often i feel this way so when i feel it...i just know.....and no matter how scared i am ...if i feel it i let it be known..i feel that you should be open that you do see him as more than a friend...its early days sure...but dont hide what you feel, doesnt mean you have to elope tomorrow....just means you feel for him....more than a friend....take it easy.....let your heart go.......you will work it out....maybe he is waiting for you to say .....what you feel....and doesnt mean you have to rush things.....does mean you should come clean though......and just play it by ear......exclusive to me is the only way to truly date......friendship is a first step....exclusive is dating to me anyway.......best wishes.....be confident....i wish you well.....deb

[Ninjainpajamas]

This guy really doesn't sound like a guy who is looking for exclusivity..and I'm sorry but...

"He said, the last time we said goodbye that he was going to miss me. He also once referred me as his 'ladyfriend'."

 

that isn't romantic/lovey dovey talk in the slightest...he just called you a friend, maybe he walked about "friend" to the subway.

 

No matter how "amazing" a connection is, it doesn't mean a man is looking for an exclusive relationship, that's entirely based on what he's looking for. Right now you're just going with the flow and thinking everything is all good and great and once you give up the booty then you gave up your leverage to be honest.

 

Don't sleep with him until you've actually talked about some things and communication on that front what you are looking for, ultimately though I think he's just being patient, he wanted it the second night but played it cool...for you, not for him, and he'll expect this or the next time for the "magic" to happen, once you bring up a serious conversation after the fact he'll probably just back off/bail.

 

Being "bold" by showing your interest without really knowing his is a bad move generally for women, it lets the man know where you are for certain and he can use this to his advantage. You really have to get a good gauge for this guys true character, what he's looking for and his personality traits and sizing him up, otherwise this sounds like it'll more than likely be just a casual thing.

[BluEyeL]

I would say, if you don't want to lose this guy, slow down!!! Be very careful! I would cancel the visit to your place, go out in public, or he might disappear after! I've seen this time and time and time again. It is too early!! For exclusivity, for sex, for staying over, for heavy make out sessions!! If you hold out on too much intimacy/access to your space, and he doesn't stay, 100% he would have left anyway. Play your cards right to maximize success if you want him. Tell him that you thought about it and find a reason for which you cannot meet at your place. Men need more time to get attached than we do, give him and yourself that time. Good luck, and please slow down!

[outsidethebox]

Iamaga, you're so nice it breaks my heart that a guy doesn't fall in love with you at first sight. And then grows fonder the more he talks to you.

[ComingInHot]

"Anyway.. so NO sex tomorrow, check. How do I make this not awkward?"

 

Let him know prior to staying over that you don't have S.E.X. unless you are in an exclusive relationship.

Let him know it's just something you do for you to not have to think or worry about "sharing" the "love" through him w/strangers. It kind of grosses you out.

 

Remind him though that the two of you will have fun no matter what you guys do

[sillyanswer]

Anyway.. so NO sex tomorrow, check.

How do I make this not awkward?

 

If you're the sort of person who doesn't do casual sex, only has sex with an "exclusive" partner or maybe only has sex when you are in a relationship, then consider explaining your boundaries to him so that he knows the ground rules about sex.

 

And/or you could just say that you feel that it's too soon to have sex as you'd like to get to know him better first.

 

If he's really hoping for sex he might be upset, and while you're not responsible for his ego a little reassurance that you like him might help with your question of making it less awkward.

 

As to the question in the topic, of when to ask if you are 'exclusive' - now sounds good! But, just be prepared for the answer to be "no". He might not be ready for that, yet, even if he's ready to have sex with you, but "no" doesn't have to mean "never". If that's where things go, and if you want exclusivity, talk about it! Would he like that? Does he know that you want that? What would convince him to stop seeing anyone else? What is he looking for?

 

And re-read what Star Gazer wrote. I think her posts were pretty spot-on.

[Sunshine87]

Pls DON'T ask him to be exclusive.

 

I asked my last boyfriend to be exclusive with me and he obliged etc. We were together for almost 3.5 years. But at that time, it was OBVIOUS that he was crazy about me yknow. So ild say that was the exception. I was 22 years at that time.

 

However I am now 26 years old and not really looking to date but to find a life

partner. So I would NOT ask any guy to be exclusive with me. If he doesn't feel the need to be, I won't force him to or put him under pressure.

 

If someone wants to be with you, nothing, absolutely nothing would stop them....especially at the early dating stages.

 

As a woman, I know what it's like. We all want some sort of definition...some

direction. We want the "tags". But I don't think you should bring it up because by doing that, you would be putting yourself out there for rejection or even maybe even putting subtle duress on him to start a relationship with you.

 

 

Women, sometimes we need to step back and let the man lead. What you should do, is OBSERVE. Actions speak louder than words.

 

Ild still invite him over and cook because I think it's good to showcase your skills and positive traits. But I wouldn't sleep with him and I CERTAINLY would NOT use sex as a bargaining tool. So for eg I wouldn't say: "Im not having sex until we are exclusive". Where is the mystery in that?

 

This is the approach i would take. If for example he comes over and you are making out heavily and then proceeds to have sex, you stop him. Then he

tries again, I would gently decline for saying something like-

"I think it's too early for this. We are still getting to know each other and I'm

not even sure where this is headed". That way, you're passing across the SAME message with tact. You sound non-threatening and you don't sound like

you are desperate to be with with him either.

 

I know my opinion might be the minority but Ive learnt to do thing with tact as I've grown older. I typically try to avoid the "where are we going"

discussions especially during the early stages of a relationship......and when it gets to the point where I need to make a decision, I subtly make it clear that I'm not comfortable with the situation. I also ensure to always give my best. So for example, I cook, I'm loving, I'm warm. So he knows that I have a lot to

offer....and most importantly I try not to OVER-THINK or make assumptions. I also try to observe his actions because they speak louder than words.

 

 

In a nut shell, invite him over still and have a fantastic time. Show him that you all sorts of awesome. ...and if you have the chance to SUBTLY throw in your concern about the relationship, then do so. If you don't get that opportunity: Plan B! (come back here for plan b lol).

Edited May 10, 2013 by Sunshine87

[MoreThanThat]

I'd never ever suggest exclusivity to a man. That said, I'd not have sex if we weren't and in a few cases, I did tell them that when it was apparent it would be an issue for me. It always worked out for me, but it doesn't for everyone so if you go that route, be prepared.

[lamaga]

THanks everybody for your input. He's still coming over and I am very excited for tonight, yet I don't have any expectations.

 

It's not that I am desperate to be exclusive, in fact, I am very okay with just keeping things casual, however, I guess I just am looking for him to make a move that goes at least into either of these directions..

 

I will keep you updated about what happens tonight..

[BluEyeL]

I disagree. If you invite him over and kiss or make out, there is a high chance that he'll go cold after. Doesn't matter that you tell him you don't have sex without blah blah blah. It doesn't matter what it's said. I am ready to bet. If he comes over, he should come with no expectation of sex whatsoever, no heavy making out either. I wouldn't have him over, just to be safe.

[BluEyeL]

THanks everybody for your input. He's still coming over and I am very excited for tonight, yet I don't have any expectations.

 

It's not that I am desperate to be exclusive, in fact, I am very okay with just keeping things casual, however, I guess I just am looking for him to make a move that goes at least into either of these directions..

 

I will keep you updated about what happens tonight..

 

Good luck!

[Cutiepie1976]

And/or you could just say that you feel that it's too soon to have sex as you'd like to get to know him better first.

 

This is my approach, and it's worked well for me. The problem with saying I won't have sex until XYZ *insert arbitrary criteria of your choice* is you've given him a challenge. Many guys are practical problem solvers. If he's told he can't get from A to C without B, he'll do B. He'll give you exclusivity or whatever hurdle you suggest, but it doesn't mean anything more than just that. He isn't exclusive because he feels so strongly about you that the thought of you dating someone else bothers him. He isn't exclusive because he's at the stage where he thinks you're so special that he wants to focus on only you. He's asking for exclusivity because you told him that's the only way he gets what he wants...sex. You've turned it into a bargaining chip. That's not a great dynamic--especially when there are hints that he's still dating other women and isn't quite ready to focus just on you. Give him time to get there before broaching exclusivity.

 

Relationships are organic. Setting artificial hurdles can be counterproductive at times. If it's unbridled lust, fine go have a one night stand or casual sex if that's your thing. If you're hoping for a relationship, make sure that you know the guy well, and that you're ready for the emotional sequelae that come from having sex with someone where you have expectations beyond the initial sexual encounter.

 

I often sleep over at a new boyfriend's place long before I start having sex with him. I'm clear before I agree to it that nothing will happen. That hasn't been an issue for me. Of course, YMMV.

[Revolver]

I think one of the problems for women is they try to put everything in the hands of the man. You'd never see a guy ask if him and his GF are " exclusive"

[clia]

I think two weeks is way too soon to bring up exclusivity. (Of course, I also think it is too soon for sex, but what do I know?). Be careful in your wording about this if you choose to bring it up. Commitment talk too soon can spook some guys, even when you are merely trying to establish that they aren't out sleeping with the entire city. I've never had success when I was the one to bring up exclusivity first. If the man isn't bringing it up, there is a reason. I always wait for the guy to bring it up. Is there a reason why you invited him to sleep over at your house so soon? That just seems like a recipe for disaster to me.

[Star Gazer]

Is there a reason why you invited him to sleep over at your house so soon? That just seems like a recipe for disaster to me.

 

I'm curious too, and agree.

 

I'd suggest changing plans so that you don't wind up back at your place.