aliast Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Well my ex broke up with me after two years of which i raised her child since she was a month old. Then she hits me with the whole im not in love with you speech. I made all the mistakes, begging, pleading, saying i will change. I finally accepted NC and its been a month and half. My ex and i met up to get the rest of my stuff and it was the first time we had seen each other since the breakup. Today is the day after that meeting and she has text me again about random work stuff and liked a photo of mine on instagram. It seems like the tide is turning in my favor. When we met up this time she was the one asking how i had been when before i was eager to talk to her. She even threw in oh if you think of anything else i might still have let me know. I dont know what to think of all this. Any translation?
noobstar Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 (edited) I've been in a similar situation. In my experience, single moms will generally try to keep you around because they are less confident in their ability to attract other good men who will help them out with their kid. First, you need to go no contact. Second, you need to work on improving yourself so that you understand your true value -- a guy willing to help raise a kid who isn't is own is a rare breed. Yes, it happens all the time, but unless you were a total A-Hole, she likely is just wanting to test the waters as a "single mom". If you take yourself away as an option, she'll likely freak out and run back to you. Then you will get to decide if she's worth the effort or not -- in my case, the time away led me to realize that I was giving way too much of myself and not getting enough in return. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more as I understand your situation better than most. Edited May 9, 2013 by noobstar
Author aliast Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 (edited) I've been in a similar situation. In my experience, single moms will generally try to keep you around because they are less confident in their ability to attract other good men who will help them out with their kid. First, you need to go no contact. Second, you need to work on improving yourself so that you understand your true value -- a guy willing to help raise a kid who isn't is own is a rare breed. Yes, it happens all the time, but unless you were a total A-Hole, she likely is just wanting to test the waters as a "single mom". If you take yourself away as an option, she'll likely freak out and run back to you. Then you will get to decide if she's worth the effort or not -- in my case, the time away led me to realize that I was giving way too much of myself and not getting enough in return. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more as I understand your situation better than most. I cant seem to PM you. See we work the same two jobs so we couldnt go on many date nights and we grew into that same routine and we got bored, that is what caused the breakup to my knowledge. She is mixed sending signals. Idk what to do about them though. For instance, she let me know she took over the schedule at one of the jobs which is bs but i just went with it. She said she had given one of my shifts to someone else bc thats what a manager said not bc we broke up. I have to get this taken care of friday bc would she have taken my shift away if we were still together paying bills, hell no.(seems spiteful because I have better shifts at the other job than she does which for someone who has no feelings for me, seems to have some haha) Second she follows me on instagram and twitter, I unfollowed her on twitter and instagram and de-friended her on fb. For the first time since the breakup she liked a photo i put up of a dog that our mutual friends have that once was hers years ago. But i dont understand why she would even like my photo. Should i block her on both so that "fully" removes me from her life. Afterall I did get told she wasnt in love with me anymore and wasnt attracted to me like a lover either. Seems like its slowly becoming an opportunity for a second chance, but Idk. It has been 1 and half months since the breakup. I am down to play hardball but i wish i could have my family back. Edited May 9, 2013 by aliast
noobstar Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 A couple of things: First, it's not your family. She was a girl you dated who had a kid. I know it is tough when you get attached to the kid, but this will pass in time. It was the absolute worst part of my breakup too, as I had also helped raise her from birth until she was almost two years old. You need to realize that your girlfriend made this decision, not you. Any relationship that was severed between you and the child falls on her shoulders. It is severely unhealthy to want to get back together with her because you miss the kid. Second, sever all forms of contact. It is doing you no good. I know the desire to extend the drama, because then it feels like there is a chance. But it is not worth it, and anything you do now will just diminish your chances. If you do really want her back, you have to go NC, at least until you can get your head straight. Give it at least two weeks of full NC, then only respond to her when she attempts to contact you (which she will). Third, she told you she wasn't in love with you or attracted to you as a lover - you can maybe overlook this now because your brain is telling you ****, but think about what she is actually saying. "Thanks for helping me with my kid for a couple years, I'm going to go blow some other guys now." That may be taking it to the extreme, but really, you need to understand that you deserve far better than her and the way she is treating you. Fourth, if it helps you, realize the following. Many single moms have a really tough time finding a good man to date (google "never date single moms" and see if any of it rings a bell). If you treated her well, in the long run she will regret her decision. She doesn't understand what it is like to actually be a single mom, because you have been there for her the whole time. Don't let her use you as an ego boost while she looks for someone to take your place. Don't let her manipulate you. Do what is best for you. There are plenty of women in the world, and you seem like a nice guy. You'll be okay, I promise.
Treasa Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Just because she's made a couple of remarks to you and liked something of yours doesn't mean she wants to be with you. I had an ex who broke up with me, and then would STALK me until I finally caught him. He didn't want to be with me. He just wanted to keep tabs on me. Move on, go no contact.
Author aliast Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 A couple of things: First, it's not your family. She was a girl you dated who had a kid. I know it is tough when you get attached to the kid, but this will pass in time. It was the absolute worst part of my breakup too, as I had also helped raise her from birth until she was almost two years old. You need to realize that your girlfriend made this decision, not you. Any relationship that was severed between you and the child falls on her shoulders. It is severely unhealthy to want to get back together with her because you miss the kid. Second, sever all forms of contact. It is doing you no good. I know the desire to extend the drama, because then it feels like there is a chance. But it is not worth it, and anything you do now will just diminish your chances. If you do really want her back, you have to go NC, at least until you can get your head straight. Give it at least two weeks of full NC, then only respond to her when she attempts to contact you (which she will). Third, she told you she wasn't in love with you or attracted to you as a lover - you can maybe overlook this now because your brain is telling you ****, but think about what she is actually saying. "Thanks for helping me with my kid for a couple years, I'm going to go blow some other guys now." That may be taking it to the extreme, but really, you need to understand that you deserve far better than her and the way she is treating you. Fourth, if it helps you, realize the following. Many single moms have a really tough time finding a good man to date (google "never date single moms" and see if any of it rings a bell). If you treated her well, in the long run she will regret her decision. She doesn't understand what it is like to actually be a single mom, because you have been there for her the whole time. Don't let her use you as an ego boost while she looks for someone to take your place. Don't let her manipulate you. Do what is best for you. There are plenty of women in the world, and you seem like a nice guy. You'll be okay, I promise. I see your point on these topics. I have been doing NC unless she contacted me about getting my stuff. I removed her off FB and all social media but she still follows me on instagram and twitter for whatever reason. Should I block her even though I dont follow her? Do i remove her friends? Even the ones that like me and I liked them as a friend? Its been a month and a half and I'd say 3-4 weeks of NC besides the text about getting my stuff or this recent one about her letting me know she took over the schedule at work which i still dont know why she would text me that. When we met to get my stuff I was looking good and just was getting my stuff and she sparked up the conversation about how i have been etc, which is completely opposite from when the breakup happened and i was the whiny bitch dying to ask how she has been. Idk if she has any other guys in her life hell she was cautious about allowing me into her life just bc of her daughter. But times change and I just need to think that she is. I think she may think she still has me under her grip and if i want any chance to fix us i need to completely remove myself from it. She is starting to hit reality of what its like to be a single mom and although its been over a month I think she will soon realize her mistake even though i shouldnt even think about it. However in order for it to work i have to figure out a plan if she comes back bc i dont want her to come back to me just bc she is struggling. I payed half the bills for her daughter and treated them both right. All our co-workers see that i stepped up and was a great dad. So besides being completely NC as in even if she texts me about something random dont reply unless its about us, what are some steps i could take to put me back in the power seat so to speak?(2nd chance) I might not even want that down the road but as of now I'd like to know
noobstar Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 You need to get to a point where you simply see you not reconciling as her loss and your gain. If you need to cut out any social media or friends of hers then you do what you need to. In general, I suggest that you follow the typical advice on this board -- focus on yourself, work out, get a new haircut or some new clothes, venture into the world and meet new people, get a new hobby, etc. Life is a spectacular blessing and it is a shame to waste it thinking about someone who doesn't respect how much you gave them. Honestly, if you are okay with the ready-made family thing, there are probably ten single moms who have actually matured because of it, would be more appreciative, are better looking, would make a better wife and mother, etc. At a minimum, she is confused about what she wants and if you are waiting by the phone, you'll ruin any chance you have at reconciliation. If you are able to fully move on, see the relationship for what it was, only then can you make a rational decision about whether getting back together is the right choice. 1
Author aliast Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 You need to get to a point where you simply see you not reconciling as her loss and your gain. If you need to cut out any social media or friends of hers then you do what you need to. In general, I suggest that you follow the typical advice on this board -- focus on yourself, work out, get a new haircut or some new clothes, venture into the world and meet new people, get a new hobby, etc. Life is a spectacular blessing and it is a shame to waste it thinking about someone who doesn't respect how much you gave them. Honestly, if you are okay with the ready-made family thing, there are probably ten single moms who have actually matured because of it, would be more appreciative, are better looking, would make a better wife and mother, etc. At a minimum, she is confused about what she wants and if you are waiting by the phone, you'll ruin any chance you have at reconciliation. If you are able to fully move on, see the relationship for what it was, only then can you make a rational decision about whether getting back together is the right choice. No I am not looking for the whole family thing. If my ex and I were to reconcile i would accept the family thing again but I wont go out and date another single mother. You all have been such great help, I now will be fully NC even to those texts that she is just trying to get a response out of me. I am motivated to be happy with or without her. I go to the gym usually 3 times a week and have been looking a lot better than when i was in the relationship. I care about a lot more personal things than i did when i was in the "comfortable relationship". You are right i shouldnt halter my life bc someone else didnt realize that they had a great thing in front of them. Off to the gym I go, thank you all yet again.
Author aliast Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 eh had a set back, my friends are there for me to a certain extent but its like i get more of a response on here
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