out with work buddies

[anna2004]

I am wondering what is reasonable for husbands to be out with buddies from work for a few drinks?

 

My husband recently has been spending at least one day a week out with the guys for drinks after work. However most times he does not tell me about it and never gets home before 1am

 

Is it unreasonable for me to be upset that for one he does not let me know what is going on and second for me to be upset over the time he gets home?

 

We have young children who get upset when dad does not say goodnight to them.

 

I would not care if it was a couple hours but he gets off work at 3 pm most days so it seems excessive to me to need to hang out with work people for 9 hours after work. If he is in fact with work people. It is frustrating that this happens and he comes home stumbling drunk

 

Am I wrong for being angry?

[underwater2010]

No, you are not wrong for being angry. My guess is something is going on. Hard to pin point without more details. Have you discussed this with him? What are his responses if you have?

[anna2004]

Yes I have talked to him in the past about this kind of behavior. I explained that i worry about him when he does not let me know if he is not gonna be home after work. Especially because he has life threatening allergies that are often hard to detect in foods cause it is a preservative he is allergic to. Plus because we have kids they ask why dad is not home and i do t know what to tell him. He always has the ringer turned off of his cell phone so calling is pointless.

 

He knows how I feel and that all I ask is to be given the courtesy of being told what is happening. In any serious relationship where people live together especially with kids it just makes sense to me that if there is going to be something going on outside of the normal routine. I don't think a couple should be reporting every move to each other but if you are not gonna be home for dinner or whatever it just seems like it should be common sense to let the other person know.

 

We also have a boat and he insists on going to it every second weekend. Usually we would go as a family but I am not allowed to come with him and i am more into boating than he is. He is not going out on the boat just using it like a hotel and he is being irresponsible there too. He one night spent several hundred dollars buying drinks for the entire bar. Then complains about not having enough money. That's just an example of an event I know about. It makes me wonder what I don't know about.

 

There is so much wrong here including the fact that he never wants sex and won't show any sort of affection towards me. I am not an ugly woman I have men showing interest all the time.

 

I have a feeling he is cheating but I can't find any evidence to prove it and I have looked. I don't want to accuse him. I have said things like... it makes me uncomfortable when he hangs it with certain work buddies as they cheat on their wives and do cocaine. He swears that he does not do those things. I told him I am worried the temptation may be too much eventually. It is well known his buddies hire strippers and escorts on a regular basis. When he is out with these guys I can't help but wonder if he is doing the same things as his buddies. They hang out at an exclusive members only club and i am not allowed to go there either.

 

I just don't see it as normal for a man who is in a relationship which he supposedly wants to be in to be so inconsiderate.

 

This time I said nothing as it only makes things worse he gets really angry and makes me feel awful.

 

I have been thinking about leaving but there is the kids and also the fact that I was really sick for a while a couple years ago and he did take care of me for an extended period of time. I was paralyzed and needed major surgery to correct a spine problem. I kind of feel like I owe him the loyalty and that because of that i should stay but I am so unhappy since he doesn't want to do anything with me or the kids anymore and he is running off all the time often not letting me know what the deal is. Then when he is here he spends most of his time intoxicated.

 

Any advice would be appreciated cause I just don't know what to do

[anna2004]

I forgot to say that he has mixed reactions to me talking to him about this he has at times seemed understanding but other times gets very angry and verbally abusive.

 

He does not see any problems in the relationship and thinks life is good. Maybe for him it is but I don't see it the same way.

 

He thinks just because we live in a house not apartment and we have a boat that life is great. I personally don't care about possessions I feel that time as a family, time as a couple and affection are more important things in life and without those things life is not good.

 

I got told if i bring up any of this again then I might as well leave. I don't want to leave I want to repair the relationship and work out the problems but I can't do it alone. Relationships take work and compromise and i feel like I compromise everything and he does not with anything

[whichwayisup]

Bottom line is, he isn't treating you well and he's not putting in any effort. He makes you feel unneeded and unloved. Tell him how it makes you feel and why you're upset.

 

Sure he was there for you in the past but he is NOT here for you now. You don't "owe" it to him to stay if he his behaviour doesn't change. Life is short and you can't be with someone out of obligation,,that's unhealthy and will continue to make you miserable.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Those are scary red flags. My wife used to go out with friends after her martial arts classes. I was cool with that. When she started staying past midnight that was the big clue she was cheating with a married man. She got pregnant...miscarried a week after she tested positive. We are now trying to finish divorce proceedings. You need to find out what's going on. What you don't know CAN hurt you.

[underwater2010]

I forgot to say that he has mixed reactions to me talking to him about this he has at times seemed understanding but other times gets very angry and verbally abusive.

 

He does not see any problems in the relationship and thinks life is good. Maybe for him it is but I don't see it the same way.

 

He thinks just because we live in a house not apartment and we have a boat that life is great. I personally don't care about possessions I feel that time as a family, time as a couple and affection are more important things in life and without those things life is not good.

 

I got told if i bring up any of this again then I might as well leave. I don't want to leave I want to repair the relationship and work out the problems but I can't do it alone. Relationships take work and compromise and i feel like I compromise everything and he does not with anything

He has major issues. I am sorry to say but it sounds like he has something going on the side right now. Do you have access to the boat? Maybe a nanny cam or recorder might turn up something.

 

And the sad truth is that you are who you hang around with. These "friends" are letting him know that there is nothing wrong with cheating and hiding things. I would not want my husband around them. In fact the few people that have been friends with my husband that showed these traits were a major no go to our relationship.

 

Are you willing to make this a deal breaker for your marriage? Is there a way to turn the tables on him such as letting him come home one night and leaving till 3 - 4 am even if it is just to a family members house without telling, just let him walk in the door and you walk out?

 

I am guessing it is going to take extreme measures to get him to understand the damage he is doing.

 

I would be the b**** that would send the kids to the grandparents and change the locks while he was out. It would have me in stiches watching him try to get into the house drunk at 3 am. Maybe even leave a bag of his overnight stuff and a note saying call me when you are ready to have a family.

[anna2004]

Yeah the red flags have been there for a while. I check his phone and his Internet history but I can't find anything other than some blog page where he talks bad about me. Thing is I Seriously sat down and evaluated what he was saying and feel there is no validity to it he claims to be doing everything in the house says I never clean or do anything useful. He has not lifted a finger in months. I am always cleaning up his empties and plates of half eaten food all over the house I do all the laundry etc... There was a time when it was true I did not do anything but I was also bedridden due to surgery and had no choice.

 

In my opinion it is just his drunken rants. I used to believe he was a regular guy in his drinking habits but it is becoming increasingly more evident that he has a problem with alcoholism. Aside from that I find the odd porn website but nothing super scary. He is either really good at covering his tracks or I am suspecting something that is not going on. But with the things that have been happening its hard to believe he is innocent.

 

I used to have access to the boat but don't anymore as the marina changed the locks on the gate and i dont have a key anymore to access the boat. It is also several hours from where we live so it's not just a quick trip there and back. I would have to get a key and then find a way to sneak away for an entire day to set it up and then hope none of his buddies who have boats in the same section rat me out for being there.

 

I have packed the kids and left before went to stay with my dad. He was drinking with a bunch of guys and things were getting out of hand so I packed up and left the house without him knowing and that caused huge problems.

 

Thing is the kids are mine not his but he has been dad to them for years willingly and happily at least at first not so much now it seems. My kids bio dad has never been around so my husband is the only dad they ever had and he was happy about that he said it was a selling point on being with me cause he wanted kids.

 

I admit there have been some major issues mainly my health because I had a serious injury but things have been better for well over a year and he seems to expect everything of me and give nothing in return other than a bit of monetary help.

 

No matter how hard I try he never seems to be happy with anything I do. I had gained some weight due to my injury and the medications I had to be on because of it plus months without exercise. But that being said I am still not that bad. At my worst I was 140 lbs and 5'3" so I guess a bit pudgy but not obese. I have been aggressive in weight loss and the last 45 days have lost over 20 lbs. I am very open minded and never turn him down when he wants attention but I am always rejected no matter what I do. I could offer up things that most men would go crazy for and get turned down. It does not matter how I dress or if i do my hair or makeup extra nice. He just does not care and on top of it all tells me all about the hot chick's at works and the girls his boss hires to entertain them at after hours work functions. It just does not seem right.

 

I know I do not have to be treated this way nor do my kids need it. But I don't like to give up on people and want to try to save the relationship if at all possible. I just can't if he won't be honest with me and if he won't try. He won't even discuss things anymore. I feel mostly bad for my kids cause they don't remember their dad and my husband is the only one they ever knew. I always swore I would not subject them to hordes of men. I thought I had a good guy and only after I was really sure did I allow him into our lives.

 

It's sad really he is 37 years old one would assume that a man who wanted a family would be more mature but he still acts like he is 20. He wants to party day and night. I have to really get on his case to turn down the stereo so the kids can sleep. It is a regular occurrence for him to be drinking and blaring the stereo past midnight if he is at home then pass out drunk on the couch and wake up and start drinking sometimes as early as 6 am. He drinks at least a 26 every day. Sometimes more than that but if i bring up his drinking i get things put back on me saying i am a b**** and he does not have a problem. All women are just crazy and are incapable of having fun. I think there is a time and place and Tuesday night when I have to get the kids to school and maintain the house is not the time to get drunk. But then maybe I am unaware and that is the normal thing to do and I am wrong. But I don't think so.

 

I ended up taking antidepressants I started a couple years ago but I don't think I have a mental illness. I think I just can't cope with being treated without respect and can't cope with living with an alcoholic.

 

I wish making hanging out with these guys a deal breaker was an option but since the main guy is his boss and the boss is the bad influence it is hard to say that. Part of their job is also to entertain rich people as they are investment brokers. So taking clients out and impressing them is all part of the game. The problem is that the boss is a pig who does not see a problem with hiring an escort to sit naked in the office after hours while they do paperwork. Or to invite clients to poker games with top less women dealing the cards. Or to go to the club and do a few lines of coke. How do I say he can't go when his boss says he has to. There was even a formal black tie gala that his boss demanded he attend but I was not allowed to go. All the guys at work had dates who were not their wives. He apparently did not know that and was upset that he was ditched while the guys went of with their dates. So much in fact that he ended up leaving there at midnight and going to another club till 4 am so he could go dance with some women. That was a bad night cause I know that he should have been home by 1 am as the train stops at that time so when he did not come home till 4 am I was freaking out he never told me what was going on.

 

Sorry for the rants its just so frustrating and i dont have people close to me to talk to not anyone I can trust anyways.

 

The more things happen the more I know I need to leave I just wish I could save this marriage.

[underwater2010]

You need to decide if the marriage is worth it. If you truly want this....then you need to turn a blind eye. If not....time to leave.

 

Personally all of this behavior would be a deal breaker. I don't care about the money or the fact that he is the step dad. HE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU!!!

 

He is not going to change....sorry.

[anna2004]

Thanks I guess I just need to hear it from someone else to confirm my feelings.

 

It is a hard decision to make and I am not happy. I guess I needed validation and someone else to reinforce that I am not being unreasonable and that this is not okay.

 

I talked to my sister and she is going to help me find a place to move and help with childcare if I need it.

 

I am going to start applying for places next week so I can find an affordable place to go. Rent is high here and my income does not reflect those prices. There are subsidized houses available but sometimes there is a bit if a wait to get in.

 

This is really scary I have never had to do this before and am worried about what he might try to do. He at one time said if I ever left he would fight to Have custody of my kids. He thinks I am mentally unstable but truth is I just don't do well with being treated like crap. I am perfectly happy when I am by myself but when he is around I am stressed. It was not always like this button has become that way over the last 18 months.

[underwater2010]

Maybe you need to start doing the research into what he is up to. If he is going to fight you for custody you need to be able to fight fire with fire. I lay my money on him having an affair and/or drug issues. You need to find this out. It will help sway the court during a divorce.

 

Can you play it cool for awhile? Start collecting information and tracking him a little more?

[anna2004]

I have been trying to figure out anything I have checked Internet history on his computer,tablet and cell phone. I have checked call logs and text messages on his phone I can't find any evidence of anything at all. I already know he has a severe drinking problem and smokes pot quite a bit. Those things alone would probably be enough to convince any judge that he is unfit. What does worry me is that apparently he dated a woman in the past who had kids and there was some issues apparently when they broke up and he brags about how he almost got her kids taken away from her and sent to their birth father's. This isn't very different situation than that but the fact is he has still threatened to fight me for custody. The only negative I have against me is that I had some health problems which are now under control and that I don't have a high income. I hope he does make decent money most of it is spent on weed and alcohol.

 

I wish there was more I could find out but even with all the passwords to his email, social media accounts etc.. I can't find anything. I normally would not do this kind of thing but if he is cheating or doing anything else it has the potential to hurt me and my kids so I have to check and I cannot count on him being honest.

 

I tried to talk to him on Sundays about how I feel disrespected and am unhappy he says I am being a whiny bi*** and that this is all my fault. If I could just learn to chill out there would be no problems. I don't believe that at all. As soon as I brought up his excessive drinking he immediately cut off the conversation and refused to talk to me anymore.

 

Lets just see what others think... On any day off he starts drinking before 8 am and drinks alcohol from then till he passes out for the night with the exception of the nap at 1 pm due to being too drunk. If he is home for an entire day he will often consume at least 12 bottles of beer and over half of a 26 of hard stuff. He has been quite mean to me when he gets drunk lately and he recognized he had been drinking too much so about 2 months ago he decided to cut back and only drink a mickey per day on work days. He drinks every day no matter what. If he does not have alcohol in the house he gets grouchy and obsessive about getting more. If he can't afford it he will do anything to get money to get alcohol. His cutting back on drinking lasted less than two weeks before he went back to being stumbling drunk all the time.

 

Are those signs of alcoholism? Or am I in fact the whiny b**** here.

 

Personally I would like to go out as a family and do something for once that did not include him drinking. In fact anything we do must be decided by if he can drink there or not. If he can't it is then decided based on how easy it is to sneak alcohol in.

 

I am not doing anything crazy yet. I am going to start making arrangements to find housing and slowly start moving things and getting organized so that I won't have so much to do all at once in case it gets ugly. It's gonna be a process of several months but better to get out safe than not at all