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boyfriend of 2.5 years is so independent...need a new perspective of my relationship

sarahkb23

By sarahkb23
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sarahkb23 New Member

sarahkb23

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I'm not sure what to do at this point.

 

The problem right now is that our mutual friend (who's dating his roommate) is having a bbq at her place and invited both of us. I want to go but he doesn't really care to. I told him that I would want him to go with me and he got annoyed and said "I don't really care. You can go, I might join but not guaranteed. It would be really nice to have him go with me because the last 2 times I hung out with her he didn't go with me and everyone asked where my boyfriend was. Sure, I dont need him by my side all the time but is it too much for him to go to this bbq thing? It's not like he doesn't like the people that's going to be there. I just don't get it because if the situation was flipped and I got invited to go to his friend's bbq thing, even if I don't really want to I would go since I want to spend time with him. Am I the one that's over-reacting? I am going to go to this bbq thing whether or not he wants to go, but it would be more fun to have him there.

 

A little bit of background of my relationship with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. Being in a relationship with him have taught me to be more comfortable and strong when we aren't hanging out with each other. I have learned to have my own life aside from dating him since he's more of a independent guy who doesn't need to be with me every day. Of course, I would LOVE to be spending time with him 24/7 but I know that's not a healthy relationship and it's good to have my own life/friends/and schedule. Of course I try to integrate our lives together and hang out with his friends and take on his hobbies because I enjoy hanging out with him and the activities. He loves to go bike riding, surfing, beer drinking, going to breweries and doing out door activities. I love doing all those things too, but of course having him there is a plus for me. Now I'm more into hiking/yoga/arts and crafts and music. HE does try to do things with me but not all the time--which is fine too since he is his own person. He doesn't need to do EVEYRTHING with me. I get that.

 

But it's hard when there are things that I want to do with him, he doesn't seem want to do it. He sometimes hangs out with me and my friends, but to me it seems like it's only like that when he enjoys the activity. HE is so set on having his own life apart from our relationship. A part of me gets that and am ok with...a part of me-not really.

 

I feel like do I just see our differences and learn to live with that or find someone who is more like me, who likes to integrate in every aspect in our lives? I know it's not a huge deal for every one to have a more integrated realtionship, but I would like to. We are the same age-26, not that age has something to do with solidarity vs integrated lifestyle...

 

help.

Treasa Established Member

Treasa

Posted
Posted

What if he said he didn't want to go and wanted you to stay home with him? Would you?

 

ETA: If you decide not to go to the barbecue, can I go in your stead? I love parties.

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sarahkb23 New Member

sarahkb23

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well to reply to treasa's comment: If the reason why he didn't want to go to the party is because he wanted to hang out with me at home then I would consider staying home with him. But knowing him (he didn't say that) he doesn't want to go because he'd rather just do something else. If he wanted to hang out with me then he would have said "I don't want to really go but I would want to hang out with you"

 

-right?

Treasa Established Member

Treasa

Posted
Posted
well to reply to treasa's comment: If the reason why he didn't want to go to the party is because he wanted to hang out with me at home then I would consider staying home with him. But knowing him (he didn't say that) he doesn't want to go because he'd rather just do something else. If he wanted to hang out with me then he would have said "I don't want to really go but I would want to hang out with you"

 

-right?

 

My point, actually, is that you should both do what makes you each happy. If you want to go, go. He doesn't want to go, so I don't blame him for not going.

 

I definitely don't pick up hobbies of my SO just because they're his hobbies. I only pick them up if I actually want to do them. My last boyfriend was very heavily into baseball. I am not. At all. When baseball games came on, we each did our own thing.

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KraftDinner Established Member

KraftDinner

Posted
Posted

This is a scenario where you're going to hear a lot of, "You need your own life! It's not healthy to expect him to do everything with you."

 

Well, you know what's not healthy? Constantly putting aside your needs because some random internet peeps, or "friends" or magazines or whatever make it seem like you are a freak (who probably needs therapy) for haing needs in the first place.

 

This is a compatibility thing. Nothing in life is more important to ME than not feeling like I constantly want more time with my SO, that I'm a burden for wanting more, that I'm in the way or clingy for thinking it would be nice to spend more time together.

 

He's not wrong and neither are you. But you are ALWAYS going to want more time together and he's always going to want to spend lots of time apart.

 

Sure, you can make it work. But from my perspective (mine alone) life is too short not to get the one need, the most important need of all, fulfilled by my SO.

 

Don't try to change him. And more importantly, you don't need to change YOU. There is nothing wrong with you. Don't listen to anyone who says otherwise.

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sarahkb23 New Member

sarahkb23

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Ah, I see what you mean. And yes, I agree with you saying we can do our own thing--which is what we do most of the time. I just thought it would be nice if he wanted to come too.

 

thanks for your input!

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sarahkb23 New Member

sarahkb23

Posted
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This is a scenario where you're going to hear a lot of, "You need your own life! It's not healthy to expect him to do everything with you."

 

Well, you know what's not healthy? Constantly putting aside your needs because some random internet peeps, or "friends" or magazines or whatever make it seem like you are a freak (who probably needs therapy) for haing needs in the first place.

 

This is a compatibility thing. Nothing in life is more important to ME than not feeling like I constantly want more time with my SO, that I'm a burden for wanting more, that I'm in the way or clingy for thinking it would be nice to spend more time together.

 

He's not wrong and neither are you. But you are ALWAYS going to want more time together and he's always going to want to spend lots of time apart.

 

Sure, you can make it work. But from my perspective (mine alone) life is too short not to get the one need, the most important need of all, fulfilled by my SO.

 

Don't try to change him. And more importantly, you don't need to change YOU. There is nothing wrong with you. Don't listen to anyone who says otherwise.

to Kraft Dinner,

 

thank you for your comment. IT's very refreshing to hear someone say that to me since I do hear "You need your own llife!" from my SO and friends as well--but more from my SO since that's what he wants. lol.

 

I know it's no one's fault..that's why it's so hard since I know he loves me and he shows me that he loves me in other ways. I guess I have a lot to think about...

 

thanks again!

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Poppy fields Established Member

Poppy fields

Posted
Posted

At this point, I wouldn't want him to go because I would think he was going begrudgingly. Go yourself and have fun.

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