Wounds Still So Fresh

[Arm N Y]

Hello everyone, I don't know where to begin as my emotions are all over the place but here's a go. My gf of 5 years and I decided to go our separate ways about 10 months ago, and it feels as if the break up was just yesterday. We had moved in together the last 2 years of our relationship and everything seemed great, other than the occasional petty fights. The year prior she had moved to NYC city to pursue her career, but after a year in a half she decided to move back to Los Angeles to be with me and continue her career closer the her family and friends. During this time we maintained our relationship, and i guess you can say we were engaged in a long distance relationship.

 

As I go any further i want to make evident to you all that during the course of our relationship i had cheated on her once and she took me back. I never could live with myself after that, and was always feeling guilty for betraying someone who loved me so so much. I know that she forgave me but never forgot the stupid mistake i made as a 22 year old partying in vegas. I know this is no excuse but lets be real, we all makes stupid mistakes as young adults but knowing what i know now as a 25 year old i would never make that same mistake again. (I admitted everything to her)

 

I loved this girl so much, to me she is the most beautiful, most intelligent person i have ever met... not to mention a person with a heart of gold.

 

On to the break up, the last 6 months i was going through a time of depression. Work, School, and social pressures were getting to me. I made a huge mistake as i didnt voice these problems to anyone. My relationship was deteriorating, causing us to grow distant. Our sex life was also on the low and we did not confide in one another as we had in the past. After taking time to carefully make the decision to call it off, I broke the news to her. I thought that i needed to explore, be independent, and pursue my goals. There was nothing else left. We both cried for days on end, and i decided to move out after a week. I helped with the rent, and held my share of the responsibilities until our rental agreement was over. I knew however i still loved her and i had made the best decision for both of us.

 

Few months passed, and i just missed her profusely. By this time she had moved out, found a new place and job. I on the other hand moved back in with my parents where i could be closer to my school and work. I started to reach out to her through calls, texts, emails, and 1 or 2 face to face meetings. She told me that she cared for me and she wanted the best for me but she just cant be with me anymore. This was in November and we had broken up in july. I took the news very hard and continued to be persistent in my pursuit of her. I fell into a terrible depression, where nothing excites me anymore. I wake up in a daze hoping that she is right next to me and then reality sets in. I am declining at work, school, and social life. I go on dates with women and im just searching for something in them that i cant find and always comparing them to my ex. I find it hard also to be intimate with these women as i always think about my ex and how great our sex was. I am told that i am a very good looking guy, and women are generally attracted to me. I dont care about all of that, i want to feel good within. Its just extremely frustrating.

 

I recently reached out to her again 2 weeks ago to check in via email. I updated her on our dog and then i went off on a tangent on how terrible i was feeling. How much I loved her and needed her back. How sorry i was to put her through everything and so forth. She replied by saying that it kills her to hear i am going through such pain but that she is not in love with me anymore and that she doesn't want to be my gf anymore. She said that it pains her to tell me this but that I must move on and look forward as she is doing +She doesn't initiate contact anymore, as she did earlier in our break up.

 

Since i read that email i have fallen even deeper. I cant sit still, i cant concentrate. All i do is think of her, if she's seeing someone, if she's okay. I constantly think of all the memories. I find it hard to wake up in the mornings, I break down in tears throughout the day. Im just a mess without her. I have thoughts of her finding someone better then me, and looking back at our relationship and saying to herself "why did i ever waste my time". I have reached out to my family and friends, they are all very supportive. They all suggest i seek therapy, as I have already.

 

I am so uncertain of the future, i have four more classes to complete in order to obtain my undergraduates degree and i feel like its so far out of reach. Excuse me for jumping all over the place as I am emotional again. I want my life back , I want my Gf back, I want the opportunity to make things right and treat her the way she deserves to be treated. Mostly i want her to be happy. She was my life for 5 years and without her i find a huge void in my life. I would really appreciate it if anyone out there can give me some feedback or some words of advice/encouragement.

Edited May 9, 2013 by Arm N Y

[316]

Just take everything day by day man... You've taken the right first step when you decided to join this site. Plenty of people here are going through/have gone through what you are dealing with.

 

Continue seeking therapy, post here often, keep a positive attitude and you'll start feeling better I promise.

[Arm N Y]

Thank you Oscars Mom.

[Arm N Y]

Thank you bro, everyday seems like a battle. Every time i seem to feel better something else pops in and I go back to square one. I promised myself that i would go miss work today and yet again i didn't. I know i need to be stronger than this. Thank you for the encouragement, and i will not give up.

[NewPerspective93]

Hang in there; hanging on to the past isn't going to help you. If anything it will be detrimental to your being.

 

Realizing that there is nothing you can do will make the moving on a bit easier. Just remember that you tried your best, and that's all that matters.

 

There will be someone out there that will appreciate your efforts. Your time together was long, but just take it as a lesson and move on.

 

You did learn about yourself didn't you? During the relationship and the aftermath, right? I'm sure you did, so just look at how you've changed and matured, for the better.

 

Cheers.

[2266CA]

I'm going through something very similar dude! We both made a huge mistake and I am having a hard time as well. I am still trying with my girl, but I may reach the point you're at. It sucks, but believe me you can find someone else out there! There are always other people. She may come back one day, you never know, but in the meantime you must improve yourself. Focus on YOU! Improve your life and she may see that and come back, but don't do it for that reason. Do it in order to just become a better person.

 

I wish you the best of luck man. You're not alone!

[Arm N Y]

Thanks for the encouraging words. I've been doing a bit better since I created the thread. I'm trying to take it one day at a time and put everything into perspective. It has been a sobering experience. Its crazy how ones flaws are magnified when their loved one is not around. Yes, to answer your question I have learned a lot from the relationship and the breakup itself. Trying to improve and enjoy life for a change.