How far is too far?

[Joyce]

ok you know my story I had an affair on H. I told him about it and we are working things out. I told him I will do anything to make him happy. Things seem to be going ok but he is obsessed with sex. The night I told him about the affair he flipped out but a few hours later he was all over me and has been ever since. That's a whole other issue but if anyone has been through this is that normal? He does not want to seek counseling. At least not right now.

 

So back to the making him happy....

 

He wants to move which is understandable because we live next door to the OM. The problem is he wants to move several states away! I don't know anyone that lives there but he has a couple of family members that live there. He is a cop and will have to start all over with seniority and work crazy schedules (that is what lead to the beginning of our problems in the first place). He has interviews set up and one of his family members is looking at houses for us to buy. This is all moving so fast. I don't know if he is thinking rationally about all of it. I don't know if he is in shock and just wants to run from our problems. He said he just wants to start from square one and it that will be better for me cuz I could go to college full time.

 

I know I told him I will do anything to make him happy but moving away from my family and friends would be very difficult on me. He knows I am nervous and scared but he said if I change my mind we can always move back.

 

I love him and I want to make him happy but I want him to think about me and my happiness too. Or do I not deserve that because I hurt him? I don't know. Do I owe this too him?

[reservoirdog1]

Firstly, the sex issue doesn't surprise me. It's a typical male response to their wife cheating, a bit like "marking territory." Secondly, men equate sex with love much more than women do, and by maintaining the sexual and physical relationship (and especially by you being an active participant, which I hope you are), it's helping him to believe that you still love him and want to keep trying. Believe me, without that, he will have massive doubts about that. In my case, TBXWW stopped displaying physical affection because her feelings weren't there anymore, and it was yet another nail in the coffin of the marriage.

 

With the move, several states away may be excessive, but that's from a rational perspective. Asking him to be rational is too much to ask right now -- he's still dealing with the reality of the betrayal. I do agree that you should get out of your house ASAP, even into a rented apartment across town for the time being if you have to. Suggest this to him as an option so that you can both assess the situation rationally without the shadow of the OM hanging over everything from next door.

[Mr Spock]

Secondly, men equate sex with love much more than women do,

 

What planet are you from? I should visit.......

 

You may have to make certain sacrifices for the sake of saving your relationship. Only you can decide if it's worth it in the end.

[reservoirdog1]

What I mean is, for men, a relationship with no sex is one without love. A man, particularly in Joyce's husband's situation, would look at a lack of sex and conclude, "she doesn't love me, if she did she'd have sex with me." It stands to reason in this situation, therefore, that he will see more sex as more love. Which might be a precious enough commodity in Joyce's marriage right now as it is.

[krbshappy71]

You told him you would do anything. Not anything except something you didn't want. Are you sure you mean ANYTHING? I'd be a bit concerned if I was him, because I'd think that you didn't want to be away from the OM after all. Moving would possibly convince me your feelings were completely over with that man and that you were truly willing to do ANYTHING for the marriage. You were selfish once, don't do it again. Or, do so, but let this man go free so he can find someone who truly loves him.

[TMCM]

He is a cop and will have to start all over with seniority and work crazy schedules (that is what lead to the beginning of our problems in the first place).

 

Joyce does he know this? If he does then he is not taking seriously the loneliness you experienced and left you vulnerable to the affair. If he doesn't then you are allowing the same circumstances that brought on your loneliness.

 

Your H may not want to go to counseling but I suggest that you do.

[bluechocolate]

Joyce does he know this? If he does then he is not taking seriously the loneliness you experienced and left you vulnerable to the affair. If he doesn't then you are allowing the same circumstances that brought on your loneliness.

 

I was thinking the same thing.

 

Also moving is a very stressful thing to do & moving somewhere where you have no friends & family is even more stressful. The two of you already have issues in your marriage to deal with. This kind of move is not going to help. It's only going to make matters much worse.

 

R'dog has a better idea - move across town. Work on your marriage, wait for the dust to settle & then re-visit the idea of moving interstate.

[Joyce]

You told him you would do anything. Not anything except something you didn't want. Are you sure you mean ANYTHING? I'd be a bit concerned if I was him, because I'd think that you didn't want to be away from the OM after all. Moving would possibly convince me your feelings were completely over with that man and that you were truly willing to do ANYTHING for the marriage. You were selfish once, don't do it again. Or, do so, but let this man go free so he can find someone who truly loves him.

 

Not wanting to move has nothing to do with the OM. Even if my H had left me I would not be with the OM. I did tell him I would do anything I am just concerned that this is such a drastic change for our family that it could tear us apart even more.

[SoleMate]

Just move across town. I agree with the others that you have to get away from the OM, and that adding interstate moving and work stresses to your already-stressed lives is a mistake.

[Joyce]

A man, particularly in Joyce's husband's situation, would look at a lack of sex and conclude, "she doesn't love me, if she did she'd have sex with me." It stands to reason in this situation, therefore, that he will see more sex as more love

 

I agree with this I think he does see it as a sign of love because he has nothing else. He does not have trust for me so he uses sex as my way of proving my love and maybe moving is my way of proving it too.

 

Joyce does he know this? If he does then he is not taking seriously the loneliness you experienced and left you vulnerable to the affair. If he doesn't then you are allowing the same circumstances that brought on your loneliness

 

He does know this about the job situation that's why I can't understand why he wants to move so far away and start from square one. I really would like to move across town but I feel as though my input does not matter because I hurt him.

 

I really want him to be happy but I just wish he was thinking rationally.

[reservoirdog1]

I really want him to be happy but I just wish he was thinking rationally.

 

Sorry Joyce, but dream on. It'll take awhile for rationality to come back into his dealings with you. He's still dealing with the reality that the person he trusted most and loved more than anything was willing to betray him; to put it succinctly, his world has been shattered. That's a hell of a reality to come to terms with.

 

You can help the situation by spearheading the effort to move across town. You can make yourself totally accountable to him, 24/7. You can give him unrestricted, anytime access to your cell phone records, email accounts, and internet history logs. You can agree to not go out without his presence or, at least, agreement. If you haven't already, you can write a letter to OM, show it to your H, and let him put it through OM's mail slot, telling him not to contact you again. You can do all of this without question, hesitation or complaint, because any of those will destroy the fragile trust you're trying to rebuild. All of that taken together, plus the move across town, should hopefully lessen his perceived necessity to move out of state.

 

You've got your work cut out for you. I wish you the best.

[TMCM]

Joyce I beleive that you need to be more forceful with regards to the issue of your loneliness and its unbearable effects on you. Let your H know that it is one thing to be single and alone and quite another to be married and alone. Emphasize that if there is another repeat of your loneliness that you won't have another affair but leave the marriage for good. If he cares about you he'll take your words seriously and will do his best to resolve the issue to both of your satisfactions. If he doesn't then you have to do some serious soul searching if you truly want to remain in a marriage filled with loneliness.

[Joyce]

Sorry Joyce, but dream on. It'll take awhile for rationality to come back into his dealings with you

 

I know it will take a long time for him to think rationally. I just feel like he thinks that if we move out of the state we can forget about our problems. I don't think it will help to run from them. I wish he would move across town but he won't even listen or talk about that.

 

As far as the trust issue he has access to my cell phone bills and I don't go anywhere without him... not even the store. I like spending the extra time with him. It is bringing us closer. I have had NC with the OM for a long time. The OM is definately not the person he portrayed himself to be and I don't want anything to do with the OM again. My H and I already discussed this.

 

 

 

Let your H know that it is one thing to be single and alone and quite another to be married and alone. Emphasize that if there is another repeat of your loneliness that you won't have another affair but leave the marriage for good

 

This advice is very good. I will definitely talk to him about this. I think I need to give him a little bit of time for the shock to wear off but we will need to talk about the issues that lead to our problems. If we don't face them or work on them then we will be wasting our time because our marriage will not last.

 

Thank you for all of the advice. It is nice to talk to people that have been through this type of situation in one form or another.

[FolderWife]

I love him and I want to make him happy but I want him to think about me and my happiness too. Or do I not deserve that because I hurt him? I don't know. Do I owe this too him?

 

If my spouse cheated on me, I wouldn't give a s*** about his happiness for a while, after what he put me through. He'd better be kissing my butt, and doing anything and EVERYTHING that I asked him to do to help me deal with this, or I'd be GONE! If you wanted him to be concerned about your precious happiness, you shouldn't have done something so devistatingly hurtful to him.

 

I suggest move!!!!! Get a clean start like he wants. If you don't, he'll just assume that you want to stay close to the OM, which is probably true...isn't it.

[Joyce]

Dear Monday,

 

No I don't want to stay close to the other man. My family won't even start the healing process until we move.

 

I do everything I possibly can for him. I really do. When it comes to moving several states away and taking two kids far away from everyone they know is a big change in life. I am not saying it's right and I am not saying it's wrong. I was just looking for opinions on this.

 

I have to live with myself knowing what I did. I betrayed the one person that loved me and trusted me more than anyone. Trust me I am my biggest critic and I will never feel good about myself again. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish my life would end. There is not a night that goes by that I don't cry myself to sleep (if I manage to sleep).

[FolderWife]

Grrrrrrr.

[Joyce]

Monday,

 

If you don't, he'll just assume that you want to stay close to the OM, which is probably true...isn't it.

 

I expect the criticism and I asked for the opinions. You can judge me if you wish but please don't put words in my mouth or assume you know what I am thinking or feeling.

[SoleMate]

I agree with others that you need to demonstrate that the OM is out of your head, body and life. However, the 1000 mile move would be TOO MUCH additional stress for two people who are already at the limit. I don't agree that a WS has to act like a zombie slave for an indefinite period to make it up to the BS.

 

It is essential to rebuild trust, and I think reservoirdog gave GREAT advice on how to do that...WITHOUT becoming a zombie slave. Notice how he suggests that the WS be proactive in taking concrete actions to build trust, but NOT that they become an automaton to be controlled by the BS. The latter is NOT healthful.

[only1life]

There's no clear answer.

 

If you truly love him, then you'll want to know how he feels. Believe me, you do not know what it is like to be on the hurt side of this, unless you've been there. I could never believe it could be this painful (I a guy, I'm supposed to be tough!), but I am there now, so I know. I am not so tough afterall.

 

With that in mind, do your best to open up the communication between you. If you really think 1000 miles is too far away, he might respect you enough to work something out. After all, he loves you enough to forgive you for your mistakes, and believe me, that's hard to do! His trust has been shattered, so don't expect him to be like was used to be.

 

There's a great book called "After the Affair" by an author named Spring. It's paperback, and an easy book to read. The first chapter alone should tell you so much about what he's going through.

 

Then work to calmly discuss things, everything included. There can be no hidden feelings, because he'll likely sense them, and feel like you're hiding things again.

 

Good luck. It can work, but it takes a lot of time. More for him than you.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I would just like to ask you a question. If the roles were reversed and you found out that your husband was having sex with your next door neighbor, putting your health at risk, betraying, disrespecting and humiliating you as a woman and a wife,

what type of reaction would you be exhibiting? The fact that you said that your husband trusted you completely is understandable concerning his actions. The fact that it was a next door neighbor is an additional twisting of the knife in your husband.

 

I am curious that you mentioned that this OM was not what he appeared to be. Why would this make a difference or were you contemplating running away with him. I agree this move is a extreme and it sounds like your husband is still in shock.

The bottom line is that you will never be able to understand the pain your husband is experiencing unless you have gone through this.

 

I am curious but what were you thinking doing this with a next door neighbor?

Surely you must have realized that you were going to be caught down the line or down deep did you really wish to be caught. Anyway I wish you luck.

[Joyce]

Brynap,

 

I really don't know how I would react. I try to imagine how he feels and I know I will never completely understand how he feels unless I was in his shoes.

 

As far as the OM yes I wanted to run away with him. He said everything I wanted and needed to hear and that point in my life. He made me feel loved and told me I deserved better and he promised me that he could give me that. He told me my H should not put his job first and he should not have married me just to take care of his two kids. After hearing this for so long I began to believe it. Before my affair I discussed this with my H and he did not care to listen. We separated but still lived in the same house. We really would have divorced but I didn't want to loose the kids (they are not mine). After the OM left I realized he was using me and he told me what I needed to hear just to get what he wanted.

 

When I told my H about the affair I offered to pack my things. I thought it would be over. My H said he wanted to work things out. I was very shocked and this sounds crazy but in a way it brought us closer. I have so much respect for him. He handled this better than I thought he would. We still have a lot of work to do (me especially).

 

I am not trying to excuse my actions. What's done is done. I am learning from this. I am trying to be a better person. I am trying to make my marriage work and so is my H.

[SoleMate]

When I told my H about the affair I offered to pack my things. I thought it would be over. My H said he wanted to work things out. I was very shocked and this sounds crazy but in a way it brought us closer.

It's actually a common pattern. The affair and revelation open up a new era of honesty. After all, if you have both faced that and survived, then what COULDN'T you talk about? With more true honesty comes a better chance to be close and really meet each other's needs.

 

I am so glad that your H responded well and that you are planning to rebuild. Just keep in mind that both of you need to put Marriage Maintenance at #1 on your priority list, for the rest of your lives.