fortyninethousand322 Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 So out of the debris that's left over from my date on Monday, I've come to some conclusions. For one I am physically "uneasy" around women. Even hugging and putting my hand on a girl's back is something that makes me experience anxiety. I can't even imagine how it would be if I tried to kiss a girl. I'm ok with talking, making jokes and the like (although not sexual innuendo, not good with that at all so I don't try it). Just physical stuff I'm not comfortable with. So, I think it would be best if I got some things "out of the way" so to speak. I feel like if I got my first kiss out of the way it might make me more comfortable around women and not so bottled up. How do I do this though? Do I go hangout at some club or bar and just kiss a random drunk girl? Wait until New Years at midnight? Pay someone? Any ideas here? I might even go so far as to say I should hook up or get a FWB. Perhaps casual sex would just let me relax. I want to be clear in saying that I would prefer not to engage in that kind of behavior, but in some ways I feel like that's what I'm "supposed" to do being a young single guy and all. The problem of course is that if I can barely get dates as it is, I'm probably going to have just as bad of luck getting a girl to have sex with me. So I don't know. I guess in some ways I'm just spit balling, but this is consuming my life right now. I can't concentrate on anything until I solve this issue.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 What happened on your date, and did you like her? Feeling anxious around a pretty girl is normal. You should make a move even though you're scared go for what you want. I liked her well enough to go on a second date with her. Unfortunately she was not interested (she emailed me a few minutes after the date was over to tell me she was still having feelings for her ex and didn't want to date anyone).
BoneyHadger Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 The problem of course is that if I can barely get dates as it is, I'm probably going to have just as bad of luck getting a girl to have sex with me. Still goal oriented, I see? Stop seeing dates/sex/kissing/holding hands etc. as some sort of goals to meet and instead focus on getting to know, interacting and connecting with other person, and intimacy (of whatever kind that fits the moment) will ensue. 3
ThaWholigan Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 So out of the debris that's left over from my date on Monday, I've come to some conclusions. For one I am physically "uneasy" around women. Even hugging and putting my hand on a girl's back is something that makes me experience anxiety. I can't even imagine how it would be if I tried to kiss a girl. I'm ok with talking, making jokes and the like (although not sexual innuendo, not good with that at all so I don't try it). Just physical stuff I'm not comfortable with. So, I think it would be best if I got some things "out of the way" so to speak. I feel like if I got my first kiss out of the way it might make me more comfortable around women and not so bottled up. How do I do this though? Do I go hangout at some club or bar and just kiss a random drunk girl? Wait until New Years at midnight? Pay someone? Any ideas here? I might even go so far as to say I should hook up or get a FWB. Perhaps casual sex would just let me relax. I want to be clear in saying that I would prefer not to engage in that kind of behavior, but in some ways I feel like that's what I'm "supposed" to do being a young single guy and all. The problem of course is that if I can barely get dates as it is, I'm probably going to have just as bad of luck getting a girl to have sex with me. So I don't know. I guess in some ways I'm just spit balling, but this is consuming my life right now. I can't concentrate on anything until I solve this issue. As cliche as it sounds, you need to be around more women. Easier said than done, but you gotta find ways to include them in your social circle somehow, as acquaintances or anything else. Again, more cliche stuff, but you kinda have to just do it even though it feels uncomfortable. Get used to the uncomfortable feeling of being around girls. It sounds counter-intuitive, but you have to force yourself into those encounters really. Put it this way (as crudely as possible).....don't be afraid of being "creepy". Again, sounds counter-intuitive, but if you are anxious about being creepy, you will seem like that anyway. You should be able to pick up more nonverbal cues the more you do it. 5
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 Still goal oriented, I see? Stop seeing dates/sex/kissing/holding hands etc. as some sort of goals to meet and instead focus on getting to know, interacting and connecting with other person, and intimacy (of whatever kind that fits the moment) will ensue. Yeah, I mean I can't get out of that. When I was on the date it wasn't like I was thinking about kissing her or whatever. It was just the stuff I did (like hold the door open, put my hand on her upper back when she went through the door before me, hugged her goodbye) was awkward. It isn't something that comes naturally to me. The only way I can describe it is like riding a bike. It is a very awkward thing to do if you've never done it before. If you have, it's as easy as eating a piece of cake. The thing is, the fact that I've never kissed a girl is something that consumes my thoughts. Unless I'm actively doing something else (like driving, lifting weights, playing basketball, etc.) I think about it every second. That's why I'm saying maybe I should just get it out of the way somehow so I can concentrate on other things (including just getting to know people).
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 As cliche as it sounds, you need to be around more women. Easier said than done, but you gotta find ways to include them in your social circle somehow, as acquaintances or anything else. Again, more cliche stuff, but you kinda have to just do it even though it feels uncomfortable. Get used to the uncomfortable feeling of being around girls. It sounds counter-intuitive, but you have to force yourself into those encounters really. Put it this way (as crudely as possible).....don't be afraid of being "creepy". Again, sounds counter-intuitive, but if you are anxious about being creepy, you will seem like that anyway. You should be able to pick up more nonverbal cues the more you do it. See the thing is I'm fine with having female acquaintances. As long as things stay in a safe zone like "hey how are you?" or something very ordinary I have no issues. I mean I was on a co-ed basketball team for crying out loud. But the moment more is expected of me (or I expect more of myself) that's when the problems begin. For one I second guess everything. Do I hug her, do I not hug her? Do I make jokes to get her to laugh? Do I ask her out? On and on. Endlessly. There's no "read her body language and do what feels natural", because none of it feels natural. What comes natural to me is doing nothing, which obviously gets me nowhere. So I have to "do" something. But that's when all the second and third and fourth guessing happens. I need practice. And I don't need practice chatting about the weather or what I had for lunch today.
ThaWholigan Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 See the thing is I'm fine with having female acquaintances. As long as things stay in a safe zone like "hey how are you?" or something very ordinary I have no issues. I mean I was on a co-ed basketball team for crying out loud. But the moment more is expected of me (or I expect more of myself) that's when the problems begin. For one I second guess everything. Do I hug her, do I not hug her? Do I make jokes to get her to laugh? Do I ask her out? On and on. Endlessly. There's no "read her body language and do what feels natural", because none of it feels natural. What comes natural to me is doing nothing, which obviously gets me nowhere. So I have to "do" something. But that's when all the second and third and fourth guessing happens. I need practice. And I don't need practice chatting about the weather or what I had for lunch today. Again, I'm not sure I can tailor it any better than "just do it". Even if you think it doesn't feel natural, do it. No matter what your head says to you, keep doing it. Eventually, your head will STFU and let you get on with it . 1
KungFuJoe Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Op, I think you could use some therapy. You have MAJOR anxiety and it's only going to get worse the more you sit and think about it. That's the bad thing about anxiety. It's basically a rolling snowball effect. The best way to get over your fears is to confront them, but in the case of social anxiety, it's a huge catch-22 issue that can be nearly impossible to overcome on your own. Not that I advocate the use of drugs, but sometimes they can be used to get you started on the right foot. In your case, perhaps some xanax can help ease your anxiety when you socialize. Eventually, as you become more used to it and more at ease, you slowly wean off the xanax, until you're able to function on your own.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 Op, I think you could use some therapy. You have MAJOR anxiety and it's only going to get worse the more you sit and think about it. That's the bad thing about anxiety. It's basically a rolling snowball effect. The best way to get over your fears is to confront them, but in the case of social anxiety, it's a huge catch-22 issue that can be nearly impossible to overcome on your own. Not that I advocate the use of drugs, but sometimes they can be used to get you started on the right foot. In your case, perhaps some xanax can help ease your anxiety when you socialize. Eventually, as you become more used to it and more at ease, you slowly wean off the xanax, until you're able to function on your own. I would prefer a non-pharmaceutical route, but I hear what you're saying. I've often wondered about social anxiety and whether or not I have it. Can it manifest itself in a way that makes it hard to interact only romantically? Because I never really had a hard time making friends or going out in public in general. It's more of a focused thing involving dating and stuff. Anyway, thank you for your help.
KungFuJoe Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 I would prefer a non-pharmaceutical route, but I hear what you're saying. I've often wondered about social anxiety and whether or not I have it. Can it manifest itself in a way that makes it hard to interact only romantically? Because I never really had a hard time making friends or going out in public in general. It's more of a focused thing involving dating and stuff. Anyway, thank you for your help. I know that medication has some stigma surrounding it. Or that some people might think they "gave in" because they couldn't do it "on their own". I'm not saying run out and pop some pills whenever things don't go your way, but medication can be good...sometimes a life saver. In my situation...I have chronic insomnia. Had it my entire life. Sleep has always evaded me. I've tried everything from OTC sleep aids, to counting sheep, playing music, etc, etc. For over 30 years of my life, I struggled to sleep, sometimes pulling all nighters tossing and turning. Then I found ambien. It's a controlled substance, can be abused, and if you take too much, you'll hallucinate or wake up, completely naked, in your neighbor's yard. Basically, there are some risks. But, my life has been changed significantly for the better due to it. I will probably be on ambien for the rest of my life...and I'm perfectly happy with it. Some people might frown upon me, saying I should have found a "natural" way to sleep...but after years and years and years of no results...I said screw that and took the "easy" way. And sometimes the "easy" way is the right way. Anti-anxiety meds have a bit more risks and potential side effects, but the premise is the same. If you've struggled your entire life to "fix" something about yourself that you just can't do on your own...then get some "help". There's no shame and as long as you know all the risks...it could change your life for the better.
BoneyHadger Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Yeah, I mean I can't get out of that. When I was on the date it wasn't like I was thinking about kissing her or whatever. It was just the stuff I did (like hold the door open, put my hand on her upper back when she went through the door before me, hugged her goodbye) was awkward. It isn't something that comes naturally to me. The only way I can describe it is like riding a bike. It is a very awkward thing to do if you've never done it before. If you have, it's as easy as eating a piece of cake. The thing is, the fact that I've never kissed a girl is something that consumes my thoughts. Unless I'm actively doing something else (like driving, lifting weights, playing basketball, etc.) I think about it every second. That's why I'm saying maybe I should just get it out of the way somehow so I can concentrate on other things (including just getting to know people). Believe me, it will come much more naturally, when you focus on the stuff I've suggested earlier. Forcing physical contact when you haven't developed much if any emotional connection is indeed awkward. Other way round you'll be craving to do it. I've thought a good while about never kissing a girl, and it didn't happen until I was 22. Actually though, it's the same deal as described above. 1
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 Believe me, it will come much more naturally, when you focus on the stuff I've suggested earlier. Forcing physical contact when you haven't developed much if any emotional connection is indeed awkward. Other way round you'll be craving to do it. I've thought a good while about never kissing a girl, and it didn't happen until I was 22. Actually though, it's the same deal as described above. Well, there have been times when I felt an emotional connection and didn't do anything. I cringe when I think about it. I honestly believe that if I continue doing what I've been doing I'll be in this same situation five and ten years from now. Paying someone or kissing a girl at a bar or something actually sound like good ideas right now. I know I've talked about that almost as long as I talked about shaving my head, but I'm seriously considering it...
amaysngrace Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 I think you should go out with some buddies and have a few drinks, then buy one for a pretty girl that you see. Or you can probably score an old hag. I hear that's popular these days and she can buy your drink. So if an old broad sends you a drink, accept it, get up and go talk to her.
JakeFrye Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 Maybe, I'm insane. Well actually, I'm pretty sure I am. Understand this, put their feelings first and be honest. I'm not joking. Be honest and upfront. Say you are nervous and inexperienced. Live in the moment. If you are sincere and emotionally dynamic it will be fine. You could turn it to your advantage, when you do something you are trying to get comfortable say that "you are doing this to get comfortable" and let a sly expression beam. And remember, a good smile makes the other person smile. Be dynamic (express a great number of emotions) and all will be good. 1
AD1980 Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 Im the same way i have a hard time being touchy feely with a girl or heavy flirting becasue im so worried about doing the wrong thing being labeled a creep.Im crippled with fear which is why after 32 years ive never been on a date. Thats why i like to drink:laugh: when im drunk or at least a litlte buzzed i give a sh*t a little less and lose some of the anxiety
somedude81 Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 Next time you have a date, have a couple of drinks to loosen you up. It may help.
Author fortyninethousand322 Posted May 11, 2013 Author Posted May 11, 2013 Next time you have a date, have a couple of drinks to loosen you up. It may help. I guess I could try that. In this case I didn't intend for my first alcoholic beverage to be for the purposes of aiding my futile attempts at dating.
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