more of the story...

[loredo21]

Hey everyone.

I am healing well and thought I would take a minute to go over more of the details of my story and hope to convince any girl/guy that is considering an affair to STOP!

The Saturday I saw exMOM out and decided to message him (against EVERYONE's advice) I came home and passed out. H had found my phone and confronted me when I woke up that morning. I couldn't really hide or deny anything. We had a discussion that night that turned pretty ugly. On top of being called a slut, whore (both true), I was called a bad mother. That in itself would have made me crazy but then H brought up my sexual abuse as a child and looked me in my face and screamed that I was damaged goods about 5 times. Once he realized what he had said he tried to hug me and wouldn't let go. I blacked out after that. Don't really remember much. I came to when H started banging on the bathroom door since I had been in there apparently for a while and silent. he finally unlocked the door and found me with what I had done. He helped me up and took me to the sink and I do remember banging my head on the faucet as hard as possible repeatedly saying "damaged goods, damaged goods, damaged goods." He called 911 and I was sent into the psych ward. the "stress management" side. I had a lot of good care and was able to go home after about 4 days. I finally figured out that any R with H would just never work and I finally told him that I wanted to end our marriage. We are going through the beginning stages now and my sister and niece are coming to spend the summer with me.

I know I have a chance to start over here and make a new life, but this A and everything it brought on will forever haunt me. I will never be the person I was. I will never forgive myself. I urge anyone wanting to get involved in an A not to do it. The heartache and distress it will cause both families is ASTOUNDING! If it is someone you are truly meant to be with, then do the right thing and wait until they are available. True love takes a lot of patience. Believe me, you DO NOT want to be in the place I was a couple weeks ago. Take your time, figure out who you are and what you want out of life. There are plenty of fish in the sea, don't take one that's already been caught. love you all!

[veryhappy]

First off, you are not a whore. Whore means prostitute and I don't remember you saying exMM paid you to have sex.

 

Second, your H is not a good guy. Sexual abuse is not something to be used against someone and he did and put you in a psych ward. It makes perfect sense that you wouldn't trust that person again and are getting a divorce.

 

I hope you can heal, and that can others see how much the price can be for an A. At the same time, it's a time that forces people to show their true colors and can force someone into questioning who they really are.

 

By the way, we're all damaged goods to an extend or another. Life tends to put its wear and tear on everyone.

[veryhappy]

Words cannot be taken back. And if "whore" here could be forgettable although misused, I was really pointing out using the child abuse history against her. That's the big problem, and not even adultery justifies using it against someone.

[Goodbye]

I wish you all the best. Thank you for sharing your insightful words about your very draining experience with your affair and the aftermath. I commend your bravery at making the difficult decision to end a marriage. You will make it through and at the other side you will have both peace and freedom.

[thefooloftheyear]

I agree with your higher moral ground.

 

 

This is me:

 

If I cheated and my wife called me every name in the planet I would accept that. Because I would instantly know that her words could never be as hurtful as the actions I did to hurt her.

 

That does not mean the insults are acceptable. Neither action is honorable, but I would not go as far as to say that the H is such a bad dude for his reaction after a second d-day. He had a moment of rage. This is a man that had contained all his emotions for a long time.

 

I have to agree....When such devastating news like this comes to light, you have to let people vent in any way they need to...Sometimes hurtful things can be said, but everyone has had times of intense rage where they dont really think about whats spewing out of their mouths.

 

And if he referred her to a psych ward he might have been concerned for her well being.

 

TFY

[Owl]

I think that the choice to divorce is probably the best for everyone here at this point.

 

Your H is going to have a lot to deal with in trying to work through his own personal emotional trauma do to the affair.

 

Loredo has a lot to work through as a result of the affair as well.

 

At this point, the chance of a good R between the two of you is very low. Better to take some time to back off, focus on healing yourselves first...and then once both of you have done that, see if both of you feel like a relationship between you is possible/worthwhile.

 

With that said...make self-healing your focus now, Loredo. Focus on getting divorced, getting your own support system in place, and learning/healing from all that's happened. And let your H be responsible for doing the same on his side.

[Got it]

Loredo, first off (((((((loredo))))))) you have been through so much recently. I am glad that your time in the hospital helped rebalance you. Please make sure you are setting up IC for yourself and family counseling for your kids. I think you are showing incredible strength in your writing now and a "peace" that hasn't been there before.

 

Please take this time now to find you. Find and develop the independent you from everyone else and grow that foundation. We are rooting for you. Please take care of yourself, you are an amazing, loving, wonderful person.

[waterwoman]

Hey Loredo, chin up, keep strong xx

[Lillyfree]

hi loredo... i'm so sorry for everything you went through lately. affairs ARE horrible messes that usually cause nothing but pain for all involved.

 

glad to hear you're now at the point of sorting out your life. focus on your little ones, they need their mum to be healthy and happy.

 

*hugs*

[Praying4Peace]

Can you just separate and work on yourself and not get into the whole D process? Would your H be okay with that? You aren't in the right frame of mind to make life altering decisions. There's no rush.

[Silly_Girl]

Hey Loredo, good to see you up and at it.

 

I'm sorry about what happened with your husband. What he did was cruel. Hurting or not that was harsh.

 

Are you and he able to be civil? How are you feeling physically? I wondered if, as difficult as it is, perhaps a decision and a direction to move in would be somewhat of a relief.

 

Take good care.

[seren]

Loredo, just stop with the labelling yourself a slut, whore or anything else. They are both derogatory and while you think you have made bad choices, they were choices made when you didn't think they were, if that makes sense. If we (general) could have a crystal ball and look into the future I am sure many, most of us would do things differently. That just means the choices you made were skewed, not that you are an inherently bad person and certainly not the words you used.

 

As for what your H said, well as a person who has lived through SA I can imagine how it felt to be called damaged goods, I have heard that too in the past and it is cruel, uncalled for and can make you feel blame for what happened onto you. No one is to blame for being SA. no one. There can be no excuse for what your H said and it was undoubtedly said to hurt you, as if you don't hurt enough.

 

I truly hope you have some very good support IRL and that you take all the support offered. Recovering is a slow process, no matter what a person is recovering from. Be kind to yourself Loredo, love yourself for who you are and forgive yourself for whatever you feel you need to forgive yourself for and no more. Take very good care of you, there is just one of you, try to look ahead and not back, you cannot change what was, but you can change what will be, change it for you and your future life, it can be good, it can be great, just allow yourself some space and take that support. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way. I shall be thinking about you. seren xxx

[Realist3]

Hope you are doing okay.

[loredo21]

thanks for the recap Pierre

 

Thank you all for the amazing support. I am doing okay. Yesterday wasn't the best day. My doctors are probably going to take away all of my medication. (ya know they have to be careful once someone is admitted). I get it. But I have never ONCE abused medication. Ever. I am on the lowest possible dose of everything I take and I only take what I need. For those that don't know I have chronic disorders Osteoarthritis, Fibromyalgia, and I am a chronic kidney stone former. I have legitimate pain 24/7 but do what I can to deal with it in a holistic way. There are certain things that just cannot be managed without medication. And them taking that away I am afraid now I will have to turn to alcohol (which I hate) or maryj (which I also hate a million times more).

I just want to be healthy mentally and physically and be able to take care of my daughter. I can't be laid up in pain in bed all day. I actually have been able to live my life and I can't understand how they can do that. I'm now being lumped into a category that I don't like, and it is making my anxiety through the roof. I am now a homewrecker and a pill popper. and I can't really handle all that comes with those stigmas.

I am totally and completely over my AP. I have shred (literally) every last bit of evidence in my journal. I don't ever want to think about him again. If he ever contacted me or I ever saw him he would get nothing. Though I would realllly want to give a big eff you. But he isn't even worth that. I wanted to be indifferent, but I have reached a point of hating him. And I don't want to have that anger in me. But it's there.

H and I are ending things because of me. He actually told me he was blindsided. Which I don't really understand, what with all the developments. While I was in the hospital I just really had time to think about everything I want out of life and this just isn't it. He is wonderful, but so controlling. He has become my dad. Even giving me gift cards for groceries and things we need rather than cash. It is humiliating. I am not happy. And he should not be okay with me either. I can't comprehend how he was STILL willing to work on things. I just can't wrap my head around that. I may not be in the best place mentally right now but I should have made this decision a long time ago. It is the right one. We both deserve the lives we want. And will always be friends.

So what does the next chapter hold for me? Well I am going to try to finish school in the summer and find a great job. I want to travel with my daughter and show her how amazing this world is, I want to listen to good music, and try new things. Take more (responsible) risks. And heck maybe someday fall in love again. But that will be a long long time.

I really want to get on here more to lend support and give advice as I have so graciously been given by you all. I don't have a whole lot of support (except my sister and at the moment she is still 3000 miles away)...so this place is my savior.

[loredo21]

well I am glad for them . I wouldn't wish the constant pain on anybody. So I would venture to guess that it is all the crap in our food that brings on this disorder? My fibro (which I know a lot of people think is all in the mind. it is not) was brought on after constant stress on my body from kidney stones every month with subsequent surgeries (the first ones while 5 months pregnant talk about STRESS!) and then the osteoarthritis diagnoses came then the firbro. (it was lying dormant for years) That is really the least of my concerns pain-wise. It is eased with a supplement I get at our local whole foods store. Still a pain in the ass, but the least of my worries.

[Spark1111]

focus on getting as strong as you possibly can. I applaud your courage to face all your demons.

 

It will take tons of strength to slay every dragon and separating to do so sounds like a good idea. Keep focusing on you and take the space you need to do so.

 

But I agree with the minority in holding off on making any life-altering decisions on your marriage for awhile, as long as your H is agreeable to it.

 

I think too much is at play here, within you, and at stake here, with your future.

 

You have the right to decide NOT TO DECIDE anything until you feel stronger, more in control, and have much work to do......as long as your H is willing to be patient.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I agree - too much has happened to make huge life-altering decisions. Take it day by day. You might be surprised at how things change in the next few weeks. Let it all settle down.

 

But most of all, be good to yourself. You can't handle anything unless you are healthy.

 

Hugs to you!

[bestplayer]

I wish you all the best. Thank you for sharing your insightful words about your very draining experience with your affair and the aftermath. I commend your bravery at making the difficult decision to end a marriage. You will make it through and at the other side you will have both peace and freedom.

 

Itsn't the aftermath of an affair ,its the aftermath of marrying & having kids with someone

you don't love.Many people get involved in affairs but are able to mend their

relationship.

[thefooloftheyear]

focus on getting as strong as you possibly can. I applaud your courage to face all your demons.

 

It will take tons of strength to slay every dragon and separating to do so sounds like a good idea. Keep focusing on you and take the space you need to do so.

 

But I agree with the minority in holding off on making any life-altering decisions on your marriage for awhile, as long as your H is agreeable to it.

 

I think too much is at play here, within you, and at stake here, with your future.

 

You have the right to decide NOT TO DECIDE anything until you feel stronger, more in control, and have much work to do......as long as your H is willing to be patient.

 

Well said...

 

This is great advice...If its over, then work up a plan for both spouses to heal a bit before doing anything dramatic. It only makes sense. Getting a D is hard work for anyone. You need to be as strong as possible to weather the storm..

 

 

TFY

[whichwayisup]

One day at a time and DO take care of yourself. And promise ME, and everybody and yourself this -- NO MORE NEGATIVE words about yourself. Positive thinking only, k!

 

Things haven't been easy but you hit your rock bottom. There's no where to go but up now.

 

Hugs and be good to yourself.

[loredo21]

Itsn't the aftermath of an affair ,its the aftermath of marrying & having kids with someone

you don't love.Many people get involved in affairs but are able to mend their

relationship.

 

Whoa whoa whoa! I was maaaaaadly in love with my H when I married him AND when I had a child with him. I thought we would be together forever. My total dream of a life was shattered when I started developing kidney stones at 5 months pregnant. Almost lost my baby from the complications. Had a terrible birth and labor experience ended up in the hospital with kidney stones every single month with a newborn baby. Could not breast feed her like I had always planned because of all the meds they were pumping me with. All of this causing postpartum depression and wreaking permanent damage on my body physically for the rest of my life. After being in and out of the hospital for TWO YEARS my H had to witness our beloved dog (our first baby) be hit by a car. He carried him home and I got to say goodbye before my husband had to watch him be put down. I was then diagnosed with two chronic pain disorders and my joints looked like that of an 60 year old woman. Arthritis diagnosis at 27. I also get chronic UTIs because of all the stents they had to shove in and out of me during this time. My grandparents are all dying and *I* was the one who had to clean up the blood and guts of my Gran when she didn't tell anyone she wasn't well and we found her passed out at her house. I still vividly smell that day and can see her bloody handprints on the couch/walls. it was like a friggen murder scene. Me and my family have had trial after trial and tragedy upon tragedy. NOT what I expected out of my life. I wish my H and I would have had the strength to persevere through all of this like we were supposed to. But it was way too much. I hate playing the victim. But dammit I am tired! And I don't need anyone on here trying to make assumptions about what I did with my life and why. I do what I can now to stay healthy and try to be positive, but on the inside I am DYING! I had an affair because I am SO LOST emotionally. I can't do it anymore.

[seren]

I don't wish to T/J or get into a debate, but it is wrong to state that people in third world countries don't ever get Fibromyalgia or CFS. people the world over get these ilnesses, they just aren't either labelled as such or not recorded as widely. It is thought to have first been identified nearly 200 years ago under different labels,There is evidence, just search it on Google. It takes years of tests and finding a consultant who is knowledgeable to properly diagnose, while this is going on many FB sufferers feel they are going bonkers as they know how they feel.

 

I have Lupus and Fibromyalgia as part of my autoimmune clutch of disorders and it is very real and very painful, also can be made worse by stress, so, Loredo, I would have a chat with the docs to take a look at what pain relief they can offer, I cannot imagine going through bad times and being in chronic pain without pain relief. There are some really good support sites online. Take care and I hope the FB doesn't kick off too much.

[Spark1111]

Whoa whoa whoa! I was maaaaaadly in love with my H when I married him AND when I had a child with him. I thought we would be together forever. My total dream of a life was shattered when I started developing kidney stones at 5 months pregnant. Almost lost my baby from the complications. Had a terrible birth and labor experience ended up in the hospital with kidney stones every single month with a newborn baby. Could not breast feed her like I had always planned because of all the meds they were pumping me with. All of this causing postpartum depression and wreaking permanent damage on my body physically for the rest of my life. After being in and out of the hospital for TWO YEARS my H had to witness our beloved dog (our first baby) be hit by a car. He carried him home and I got to say goodbye before my husband had to watch him be put down. I was then diagnosed with two chronic pain disorders and my joints looked like that of an 60 year old woman. Arthritis diagnosis at 27. I also get chronic UTIs because of all the stents they had to shove in and out of me during this time. My grandparents are all dying and *I* was the one who had to clean up the blood and guts of my Gran when she didn't tell anyone she wasn't well and we found her passed out at her house. I still vividly smell that day and can see her bloody handprints on the couch/walls. it was like a friggen murder scene. Me and my family have had trial after trial and tragedy upon tragedy. NOT what I expected out of my life. I wish my H and I would have had the strength to persevere through all of this like we were supposed to. But it was way too much. I hate playing the victim. But dammit I am tired! And I don't need anyone on here trying to make assumptions about what I did with my life and why. I do what I can now to stay healthy and try to be positive, but on the inside I am DYING! I had an affair because I am SO LOST emotionally. I can't do it anymore.

 

Find yourself......but don't throw the baby out with the bath water, KWIM?

 

There is a lot to manage and deal with and overcome here....I understand. Do what ever it takes to feel good and whole and as pain free as possible....

 

When you have found yourself emotionally, and that may take some time under all your circumstances,THEN decide about your marriage and your future.

 

It is normal to lump all the pain together and want to run away from it. Wait, please.....Until you can separate the physical pain from the emotional ones....

[BetrayedH]

Find yourself......but don't throw the baby out with the bath water, KWIM?

 

There is a lot to manage and deal with and overcome here....I understand. Do what ever it takes to feel good and whole and as pain free as possible....

 

When you have found yourself emotionally, and that may take some time under all your circumstances,THEN decide about your marriage and your future.

 

It is normal to lump all the pain together and want to run away from it. Wait, please.....Until you can separate the physical pain from the emotional ones....

 

I agree with Spark about taking your time. My wife created a mess for us with her affair and subsequent problems like broken NC and TT. And then she ran from it instead of fixing it. If your H is still wanting to work things out, you're abandoning your vows yet again.

[Act Two]

I don't wish to T/J or get into a debate, but it is wrong to state that people in third world countries don't ever get Fibromyalgia or CFS. people the world over get these ilnesses, they just aren't either labelled as such or not recorded as widely. It is thought to have first been identified nearly 200 years ago under different labels,There is evidence, just search it on Google. It takes years of tests and finding a consultant who is knowledgeable to properly diagnose, while this is going on many FB sufferers feel they are going bonkers as they know how they feel.

 

I have Lupus and Fibromyalgia as part of my autoimmune clutch of disorders and it is very real and very painful, also can be made worse by stress, so, Loredo, I would have a chat with the docs to take a look at what pain relief they can offer, I cannot imagine going through bad times and being in chronic pain without pain relief. There are some really good support sites online. Take care and I hope the FB doesn't kick off too much.

 

I second this. Really, Pierre? CFS and Fibromyalgia are not "First World Problems" like I shouldn't have been tweeting at a red light or the Keurig machine is out of coffee pods.

 

They are legit pain disorders. Try living a day with chronic pain.

 

Healing thoughts and hugs to you, Loredo!! I hope you find peace.