He's trying really hard, I'm having a hard time letting it go. Anyone else?

[hopefuldoubtful]

When I found out about the A, I was angry. All the red flags had been right, all my gut feelings, right. The worst case scenario was playing out as a reality.

 

He begged me to forgive him, to try and fix things. God I love this person so much so I agreed.

 

He has cut off contact with the OW. I know because I still talk to her. She didn't know about me. I don't blame her at all, she's just as innocent in this as I am. We've been talking to each other to fill in some of the gaps. He's understandably not thrilled about that.

 

Ever since D-Day he's been in therapy for help with this and substance abuse issues. He's taking his meds and I've noticed a big change in him. He feels so guilty. The improvement has been incredible.

 

Still, sometimes it feels like my heart is just being ripped out. I think about them together or about him lying about something and it knocks the air out of me.

 

This wasn't just a one night stand. This carried on for six months and when I asked if he was seeing someone else he said no. I asked specifically about her because they dated for 7 years and he said not to worry, he never saw her. How can you lie to someone like that?

 

I'm glad he's taking accountability for his actions. He works with her twin brother every day so that's nice and awkward as well. He told his mother what was going on, he's been very transparent since D Day and I know he's really wanting to do the right thing.

 

My heart just hurts sometimes.

 

Anyone else feel like this?

[BetrayedH]

LOTS of people can identify with you. It's common to attempt to reconcile after infidelity (over 90% of women at least initially make the attempt). To do it successfully, you need a truly remorseful wayward spouse and a truly forgiving betrayed spouse. Both are a very tall order. Your H at least appears to be remorseful at this point; I've read your other posts and you seems pretty consistent about what you've said. I recommend reading the thread pinned at the top of this forum, What Every WS Needs to Know. This will give you some insight about what true remorse looks like and what is required in his end to permit a reconciliation. The initial heavy lifting is on his end and he has to keep it up for a good long while. One thing to watch for is his motivation for staying. When busted, it's common for a wayward to stay out of fear, guilt, and obligation. That's not a great foundation for your relationship. Makes sure his reasons are about you and your marriage.

 

But when that remorse is true and consistent, it's a fact that the burden then shifts to the betrayed spouse to figure out how to forgive (some may say that "accept" is a better term). Conventional wisdom is that the whole process takes about 2-5 years. You really have to ask yourself if you have that in you. As you're learning, it is incredibly difficult. But make no mistake, it happens and we have several happily reconciled betrayed spouses here to show for it.

 

Stick around. I think you'll find you have much in common with many people here and it's smart to learn from those that have gone before you.

 

Good luck.

[Athens]

This is probably one of the hardest things you will ever deal with, made even worse because it was inflicted by someone you love and trust. For me, when I have doubts, I ask myself...does it change my resolve to work things out..the answer has always been no, so I am still with my husband. One thing I know for sure, I have worked on me so if there ever comes a time when I decide I can no no further, I will be fine.

 

Hang tough and keep us up to date.

[krazikat]

When I found out about the A, I was angry. All the red flags had been right, all my gut feelings, right. The worst case scenario was playing out as a reality.

 

He begged me to forgive him, to try and fix things. God I love this person so much so I agreed.

 

He has cut off contact with the OW. I know because I still talk to her. She didn't know about me. I don't blame her at all, she's just as innocent in this as I am. We've been talking to each other to fill in some of the gaps. He's understandably not thrilled about that.

 

Ever since D-Day he's been in therapy for help with this and substance abuse issues. He's taking his meds and I've noticed a big change in him. He feels so guilty. The improvement has been incredible.

 

Still, sometimes it feels like my heart is just being ripped out. I think about them together or about him lying about something and it knocks the air out of me.

 

This wasn't just a one night stand. This carried on for six months and when I asked if he was seeing someone else he said no. I asked specifically about her because they dated for 7 years and he said not to worry, he never saw her. How can you lie to someone like that?

 

I'm glad he's taking accountability for his actions. He works with her twin brother every day so that's nice and awkward as well. He told his mother what was going on, he's been very transparent since D Day and I know he's really wanting to do the right thing.

 

My heart just hurts sometimes.

 

Anyone else feel like this?

 

Oh hopefully....YES!! It feels like an anxiety attack, sicks the breath right out of you, and physical pain...nausea, sadness, etc. ((hugs)) I know just what you are feeling.

 

Dday for me was about 3 months ago. I was so pissed when I found out. Ow was a straight up b**** too, treating me like I was the one messing up her relationship, and saying horrable things, like "did you like the taste of my p**** and more. My h also went nc, voluntarily got a new phone number shortly after dday because ow was calling and texting over and over, hundreds of times.

 

My h also is trying very hard. He quit drinking, hasnt touched a drink since and he was a daily drinker. Stopped drug use too, cold turkey on all. He has told me over and over how much he loves me, how much he wants to be with me, how he cant imagine life without me, etc. etc.

 

I love this man so much, I have decided on r. A few weeks ago, ow called me acting sweet and tried to fill me up with lies. Crazy ones. I started to believe her and then realized she wasnt making any sense at all, even contradicting herself as she went along. So I try to think of this when I start to feel a trigger...

 

But yes, I still get that overwhelming feeling here and there. Last week I had a customer with the ow first name, then heard the song she had on her phone on the radio, then i was looking for car papers and found a reload card for the secret affair phone...all of this within hours of each other, and the anger came back.

 

I want to r with my h, give our marriage that chance. It is worth it to me. So I am doing my best not to let this past keep interupting what we are doing now. He is so attached to me, even holds my hand while we are sleeping, always touching me.

 

At first I didnt know if I could R, I was sooooooo angry. I thought he had to go for my sanity. But now I am glad I gave r a shot. And I dont feel the need to talk about the a anymore with him, and I have found I trigger less that way. She is his past I am his past, present, and future.

 

Everything you are experiencing is completely normal. An A is the ultimate betrayal...it is devastating. But if you truly want to stay with your H, take the time to heal and dont put a time limit on yourself. Write a journal. Get a massage. And love your h. It is not a free pass. He knows what he did is wrong, seems you know he is trying. If you know he is with you and loves you and wants to be with you, and you feel the same, do what you need to do. And dont feel guilty for the way you feel.

 

Ok, rant over.

[waterwoman]

.

 

But when that remorse is true and consistent, it's a fact that the burden then shifts to the betrayed spouse to figure out how to forgive (some may say that "accept" is a better term). Conventional wisdom is that the whole process takes about 2-5 years. You really have to ask yourself if you have that in you. As you're learning, it is incredibly difficult.

 

So very true! I'm only 11 months in and I'm flagging.

Edited May 9, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed code

[hopefuldoubtful]

LOTS of people can identify with you. It's common to attempt to reconcile after infidelity (over 90% of women at least initially make the attempt). To do it successfully, you need a truly remorseful wayward spouse and a truly forgiving betrayed spouse. Both are a very tall order. Your H at least appears to be remorseful at this point; I've read your other posts and you seems pretty consistent about what you've said. I recommend reading the thread pinned at the top of this forum, What Every WS Needs to Know. This will give you some insight about what true remorse looks like and what is required in his end to permit a reconciliation. The initial heavy lifting is on his end and he has to keep it up for a good long while. One thing to watch for is his motivation for staying. When busted, it's common for a wayward to stay out of fear, guilt, and obligation. That's not a great foundation for your relationship. Makes sure his reasons are about you and your marriage.

 

But when that remorse is true and consistent, it's a fact that the burden then shifts to the betrayed spouse to figure out how to forgive (some may say that "accept" is a better term). Conventional wisdom is that the whole process takes about 2-5 years. You really have to ask yourself if you have that in you. As you're learning, it is incredibly difficult. But make no mistake, it happens and we have several happily reconciled betrayed spouses here to show for it.

 

Stick around. I think you'll find you have much in common with many people here and it's smart to learn from those that have gone before you.

 

Good luck.

 

 

2-5 years is a longgggg time. Haha. Thank you for your advice, it's never an easy thing to go through is it?

 

I just try to remember that I need to handle the situation where I can live with the choices I make. Sometimes I want to say something hurtful or mean, but I realize that won't do anything good so I keep a journal instead. I'm trying to balance moving on with making him understand that what he did was very hurtful and very unacceptable.

 

It just takes time, you're right.

 

Thanks again!!

[hopefuldoubtful]

This is probably one of the hardest things you will ever deal with, made even worse because it was inflicted by someone you love and trust. For me, when I have doubts, I ask myself...does it change my resolve to work things out..the answer has always been no, so I am still with my husband. One thing I know for sure, I have worked on me so if there ever comes a time when I decide I can no no further, I will be fine.

 

Hang tough and keep us up to date.

 

I'm glad I'm not alone, but I'm sorry so many can relate.

 

I feel like we get punished for being loyal, for being dedicated and determined. I've done nothing but support him and then I get this as a thank you?

 

I guess all we can do is be tough and hope it works out.

[hopefuldoubtful]

Oh hopefully....YES!! It feels like an anxiety attack, sicks the breath right out of you, and physical pain...nausea, sadness, etc. ((hugs)) I know just what you are feeling.

 

Dday for me was about 3 months ago. I was so pissed when I found out. Ow was a straight up b**** too, treating me like I was the one messing up her relationship, and saying horrable things, like "did you like the taste of my p**** and more. My h also went nc, voluntarily got a new phone number shortly after dday because ow was calling and texting over and over, hundreds of times.

 

My h also is trying very hard. He quit drinking, hasnt touched a drink since and he was a daily drinker. Stopped drug use too, cold turkey on all. He has told me over and over how much he loves me, how much he wants to be with me, how he cant imagine life without me, etc. etc.

 

I love this man so much, I have decided on r. A few weeks ago, ow called me acting sweet and tried to fill me up with lies. Crazy ones. I started to believe her and then realized she wasnt making any sense at all, even contradicting herself as she went along. So I try to think of this when I start to feel a trigger...

 

But yes, I still get that overwhelming feeling here and there. Last week I had a customer with the ow first name, then heard the song she had on her phone on the radio, then i was looking for car papers and found a reload card for the secret affair phone...all of this within hours of each other, and the anger came back.

 

I want to r with my h, give our marriage that chance. It is worth it to me. So I am doing my best not to let this past keep interupting what we are doing now. He is so attached to me, even holds my hand while we are sleeping, always touching me.

 

At first I didnt know if I could R, I was sooooooo angry. I thought he had to go for my sanity. But now I am glad I gave r a shot. And I dont feel the need to talk about the a anymore with him, and I have found I trigger less that way. She is his past I am his past, present, and future.

 

Everything you are experiencing is completely normal. An A is the ultimate betrayal...it is devastating. But if you truly want to stay with your H, take the time to heal and dont put a time limit on yourself. Write a journal. Get a massage. And love your h. It is not a free pass. He knows what he did is wrong, seems you know he is trying. If you know he is with you and loves you and wants to be with you, and you feel the same, do what you need to do. And dont feel guilty for the way you feel.

 

Ok, rant over.

 

 

Sounds like you've been through the ringer too!!! It's odd how you can have a few good days and then BANG! You're right in the middle of a rollercoaster again.

 

I'm sorry you're having to go through this as well. Thankfully these communities exist and we can come together and work through it!

 

Anymore contact from the OW?

[SmokeRat]

Your husband seems to be making all the correct steps, to try and repair the damage he has caused.

 

It's great he's owned up to his substance abuse, started counselling and is on his medication. Not many WS's would put themselves through all of that, unless they really wanted to repent for what they did.

 

Letting it go, takes ages. 2-5 years being the average, but everyone is different. Having a truly remorseful spouse will help with the healing process, and if he is open and honest about his interactions with the OW, it'll help as well.

 

Rug sweeping, blame shifting and gas lighting will only set you back, cause resentment, and ultimately lead to the failure of any reconciliation.

 

We are all here due to a spouse sleeping around, and from my experience on this forum, there isn't a single person here who would turn their back on me if I need assistance.

 

And I think they will offer you the same courtesy, myself included.

[krazikat]

Sounds like you've been through the ringer too!!! It's odd how you can have a few good days and then BANG! You're right in the middle of a rollercoaster again.

 

I'm sorry you're having to go through this as well. Thankfully these communities exist and we can come together and work through it!

 

Anymore contact from the OW?

 

Oh yes, it is awful. Ls has really helped me work thru it...even to get over my intense anger at ow for being such a devious b****! The rollercoaster is awful! I honestly dont think I have ever cried so much as I did when it all came to light. It is devastating.

 

There has been no more contact with OW. My H got a new number, and when she started calling me I blocked her and blocked all unknown/blocked numbers from getting thru my phone. I also dont answer any number I dont know from her area code.

 

My H also sees her in a whole new way after how she reacted to dday. I guess he considered her more fwb then anything else, and he was shocked that she went all crazy bunny boiler even though they had ended before I found out and he had told her he loved me and would not be leaving the marriage the entire time they had their benefits thing going on. She went crazy when I found out and he went nc after telling her it was completely over.

[Furious]

When I found out about the A, I was angry. All the red flags had been right, all my gut feelings, right. The worst case scenario was playing out as a reality.

 

He begged me to forgive him, to try and fix things. God I love this person so much so I agreed.

 

He has cut off contact with the OW. I know because I still talk to her. She didn't know about me. I don't blame her at all, she's just as innocent in this as I am. We've been talking to each other to fill in some of the gaps. He's understandably not thrilled about that.

Ever since D-Day he's been in therapy for help with this and substance abuse issues. He's taking his meds and I've noticed a big change in him. He feels so guilty. The improvement has been incredible.

 

Still, sometimes it feels like my heart is just being ripped out. I think about them together or about him lying about something and it knocks the air out of me.

 

This wasn't just a one night stand. This carried on for six months and when I asked if he was seeing someone else he said no. I asked specifically about her because they dated for 7 years and he said not to worry, he never saw her. How can you lie to someone like that?

I'm glad he's taking accountability for his actions. He works with her twin brother every day so that's nice and awkward as well. He told his mother what was going on, he's been very transparent since D Day and I know he's really wanting to do the right thing.

 

My heart just hurts sometimes.

 

Anyone else feel like this?

 

 

 

I read your pervious thread and I'm alarmed for you. This man is your fiancé, who has bipolar disorder, drug addiction and has cheated on you with his ex-girlfriend.

 

Why would you consider reconciling with him. Yes, you may care for him, even love him, but why take that gamble with someone this broken and start your life together on such a weak foundation. This man needs to get his life together, he has serious issues and you are not a prisoner to his dysfunction.

 

Yes you can forgive him, have concern for him, but you must think of yourself and what is best for you. You have the chance to make a clean break and be thankful you don't have children who's lives will be turned upside down.

 

Some prople are dysfunctional and toxic and they will drag you down and make your own life unbearable. When someone shows you who they are believe it.

 

I hope you would take a step back and figure out why you're still hanging on to someone this broken and with no guarantee he will not remain broken.

Don't stay with someone out of guilt, don't think you're abandoning him to his issues. Wish him the best, and yes, even give him forgiveness but give yourself the chance to move forward and have the chance to find someone who respects you and adds joy to your life instead of lies and dysfunction.

[Jenn.Smith]

Are you in IC? If not you really should be. Even if t doesn't work out you will find a lot of help having someone to talk to. A professional. I know a lot of people who are against it or think it is pointless but it saved close friend's of mine's marriage. And it gave the BS an outlet she needed. Plus, it helped the ws know that if he screwed up her therpaist would encorage her to move on.

[hopefuldoubtful]

I read your pervious thread and I'm alarmed for you. This man is your fiancé, who has bipolar disorder, drug addiction and has cheated on you with his ex-girlfriend.

 

Why would you consider reconciling with him. Yes, you may care for him, even love him, but why take that gamble with someone this broken and start your life together on such a weak foundation. This man needs to get his life together, he has serious issues and you are not a prisoner to his dysfunction.

 

Yes you can forgive him, have concern for him, but you must think of yourself and what is best for you. You have the chance to make a clean break and be thankful you don't have children who's lives will be turned upside down.

 

Some prople are dysfunctional and toxic and they will drag you down and make your own life unbearable. When someone shows you who they are believe it.

 

I hope you would take a step back and figure out why you're still hanging on to someone this broken and with no guarantee he will not remain broken.

Don't stay with someone out of guilt, don't think you're abandoning him to his issues. Wish him the best, and yes, even give him forgiveness but give yourself the chance to move forward and have the chance to find someone who respects you and adds joy to your life instead of lies and dysfunction.

 

 

You know honestly, I worry for me too. He's definitely got some demons to battle. I have drawn my lines in the sand with him, he knows exactly where I stand. He's been making a considerable effort on his own, and I do think he's really motivated to be a better person.

 

He's done a lot of damage but I'm not ready to give up on him just yet. I know that I set my limits and if he crosses them I am done. But while he's making a serious effort I want to treat him how I'd hope someone would treat me.

 

I do appreciate your concern, I know it's a very screwed up situation.

[jnel921]

I think most of us feel that way. I am not sure how healthy it is to keep open communication with the OW. I think it should end. You are giving her an unnecessary access to you relationship with your H.

 

You should let go and let god....that means let go of the OW....she can't help you.

[hopefuldoubtful]

I think most of us feel that way. I am not sure how healthy it is to keep open communication with the OW. I think it should end. You are giving her an unnecessary access to you relationship with your H.

 

You should let go and let god....that means let go of the OW....she can't help you.

 

You're right.

 

I guess the ow and I kind of formed a bond. We were both totally hit with this from left field and we've been able to fill in so many blanks for each other. We've been able to console each other and be angry together and sad together. She doesn't agree with my decision to work through this with him, and she's up front about that. When he told her that he wasn't going to leave me and then ended contact she was upset because she wanted some closure. She's told me she tried to contact him a few times but he wouldn't respond. I've asked him to have no contact. She understands that but again, she wants closure. The talks don't really focus on him, but more of encouragement. Still, you're right, I don't think she needs to be a part of my life. Her mother has contacted me, he works with her twin brother. His mother knows about the A. It's a very very messy situation and he's really kicking himself. I don't feel bad for him, because obviously he did it to himself but man it sure is awkward with everyone knowing and trying to contact me.

 

I'll take your advice into serious consideration.

[Athens]

I question her motivation in being in contact with you. One thing that is vitally important during rebuilding is that everyone in your life needs to be a friend of the marriage. It does not seem like she is, her expectations most likely do not align with yours. Watch yourself and protect your heart. Good luck!

[krazikat]

I question her motivation in being in contact with you. One thing that is vitally important during rebuilding is that everyone in your life needs to be a friend of the marriage. It does not seem like she is, her expectations most likely do not align with yours. Watch yourself and protect your heart. Good luck!

 

Yes, be careful with her DO NOT TRUST HER. The OW in my drama even apologized and acted all nice, I thought it was closure. My husband went NC and changed his number.

 

I even posted here on ls a few times about how this convo with ow helped me let go and seemed to do the same for her. We had talked for a long time, she even cried to me and said it was her fault, she knew he was married, etc. Now even in that convo there were some lies thrown in, things I knew for a fact were lies based on seeing their communication with each other and other things outside of that that I knew about as fact, but just let it go as being her way to feel better about herself.

 

Weeks later, I was woke up by her calling me several times early in the morning. When I answered, she was telling me absolutely crazy lies, things I know were lies based on many factors, but she continued to lie, all while sounding so sweet and concerned while at the same time trying to get me to react to her awful lies. It almost worked until she took it to far and I realized how crazy and desperite she was being. She even went as far as to say my h brought her to our home and had sex in our bed, but when she described our house it was clear she had never been inside. It was a surreal conversation...and completely caught me off guard and pissed me off once I realized what she was doing.

 

My h thinks she was saying those things to get me to flip out at him which would in turn piss him off at her enough to call her. He didnt call her, and I blocked her.

[hopefuldoubtful]

I question her motivation in being in contact with you. One thing that is vitally important during rebuilding is that everyone in your life needs to be a friend of the marriage. It does not seem like she is, her expectations most likely do not align with yours. Watch yourself and protect your heart. Good luck!

 

Yes, be careful with her DO NOT TRUST HER. The OW in my drama even apologized and acted all nice, I thought it was closure. My husband went NC and changed his number.

 

I even posted here on ls a few times about how this convo with ow helped me let go and seemed to do the same for her. We had talked for a long time, she even cried to me and said it was her fault, she knew he was married, etc. Now even in that convo there were some lies thrown in, things I knew for a fact were lies based on seeing their communication with each other and other things outside of that that I knew about as fact, but just let it go as being her way to feel better about herself.

 

Weeks later, I was woke up by her calling me several times early in the morning. When I answered, she was telling me absolutely crazy lies, things I know were lies based on many factors, but she continued to lie, all while sounding so sweet and concerned while at the same time trying to get me to react to her awful lies. It almost worked until she took it to far and I realized how crazy and desperite she was being. She even went as far as to say my h brought her to our home and had sex in our bed, but when she described our house it was clear she had never been inside. It was a surreal conversation...and completely caught me off guard and pissed me off once I realized what she was doing.

 

My h thinks she was saying those things to get me to flip out at him which would in turn piss him off at her enough to call her. He didnt call her, and I blocked her.

 

 

After reading these I've made the decision to cut her out of the picture. I have enough of my own problems right now without trying to fix hers and its just trapping me in the past.

 

Thanks guys!

[Athens]

Hopeful, yes, you may not be good at this, I know I was not, but you need to get a little selfish...you first...put you first!