I cheated on the best girlfriend I've ever had. How do you fight urges to cheat?

[soulsearching87]

I'm a peace of crap. She's such a good girlfriend that I want to cry right now at the thought of loosing her, yet I cheated on her. I even planned it out and I felt like I had to get this out of my system so that I won't want to cheat anymore. Its like I can't fight sexual urges. After this, I feel like I'm done cheating. I just hope I don't be an idiot and those urges come up again. I've been cheated on befpre and I know how painful it is. It crushed me. I NEVER want to put my girlfriend through that. Our sex life is good, I'm attracted to her, and I love her. So why do I have these stupid urges? I've even deleted my social networking accounts to avoid the temptation, but I reactivated them soon after. Everytime I talk to another girl online (I don't sleep with them, just flirt) I feel like my self worth lowers because my girlfriend deserves to have me exclusively for flirting. I hate how I am. I'm a very self destructive person. Well as of now, my girlfriend hasn't found out and I'm a very guilty person. We live together and we have accomplished so much together. To loose her would break me. I also feel when I'm with her, and we spend a lot of time together, I don't need or want anyother girl. However, when I go to work or I'm away from her, I start thinking about opportunities to have sex with other women. Can I be fixed?

[TaraMaiden]

In my opinion you are very conflicted for two reasons:

 

One, your original wiring or programming is quite strong. That is to say that, in line with virtually every single other mammal species on the planet, we, as human beings, are not, nor have we ever been, meant to be monogamous. Your urges to spread yourself around, are ingrained and extremely strong.

And that's OK.

 

However, Two, your social, moral, ethical and possibly religious conditioning means that your guilt and remorse factors kick in strongly and you beat yourself round the head, for doing something that is highly instinctual and frankly, natural.

 

The issue here is not so much the reasoning, but what you are going to do about it and as I see it, you have three, clear options:

 

1) stop screwing around,commit and quit actually looking for sexually satisfying escapades, and commit to this girl once and for all.

 

2) break up with her and play the field to your heart's content,

 

3) Engage with your GF; tell her this is how you feel, it's how you are, and can she live with an emotionally devoted BF who likes random sexual encounters....?

 

The 4th point is of course, whether you should or shouldn't come clean to her and confess.

 

That's a whole different ball-game.....

[TaraMaiden]

To add, I personally don't see it as you needing 'fixing'. I just believe you need to come to terms that this is how you are. In my mind, it's not 'wrong' as such. But you do make your life very complicated when programming and conditioning are so diametrically opposed.....

 

It's not a question of 'fixing'. It's a question of priorities.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm a peace of crap.

 

I think it all starts here.

 

You may think that this is the "end result" after cheating. But I honestly think it is the underlying belief.

 

It's also the one that lets you "Get away with it" in a sense.

 

"I am cheating because I am a piece of crap."

 

It also means that you won't get too close to your girlfriend because that way you can feel safe that she won't discover how flawed and "unlovable" you really are.

 

Just watch. Push away the urge next time and about 20 mins later you'll feel a rush of shame, fear, sadness or self-loathing. Often our brains like to use sexuality as a distractor from those feelings. But playing around with sexuality is more likely to exacerbate those feelings after the fact, perpetuating the cycle.

 

Why has it become more common in males?

 

1. Females hide it better.

2. Men are often socially conditioned to believe it's a "guy thing."

3. The male part of the brain responsible for sexual expression is 2.5 larger than the female one, on average.

 

All of those factors skew things a bit statistically.

[BetheButterfly]

I think it all starts here.

 

100% agreed.

 

First of all, you need to think how you view yourself. Instead of insulting yourself, you need to think "I am a new man. I have the blessing everyday to make my own choices and control what I think. I can program my brain to be faithful to the woman I love."

 

You may think that this is the "end result" after cheating. But I honestly think it is the underlying belief.

Very astute point.

 

It's also the one that lets you "Get away with it" in a sense.

"I am cheating because I am a piece of crap."

Yep, and then there's another excuse that some men use, the "Boys will be boys" and "I can't help it; I'm just an animal" excuses. This just gives them leeway to not control their own brains and actions.

 

It also means that you won't get too close to your girlfriend because that way you can feel safe that she won't discover how flawed and "unlovable" you really are.

Good point, so it breaks down communication and builds walls.

Just watch. Push away the urge next time and about 20 mins later you'll feel a rush of shame, fear, sadness or self-loathing. Often our brains like to use sexuality as a distractor from those feelings. But playing around with sexuality is more likely to exacerbate those feelings after the fact, perpetuating the cycle.

 

Why has it become more common in males?

 

1. Females hide it better.

2. Men are often socially conditioned to believe it's a "guy thing."

3. The male part of the brain responsible for sexual expression is 2.5 larger than the female one, on average.

 

All of those factors skew things a bit statistically.

That's really interesting.

 

For me, I know I can cheat on my husband if I want. I don't cheat though because I love my husband and am faithful to my word!!!

 

I have had temptations and I know more temptations will come, but what I use to control my brain is LOVE.

 

Love for my husband is the monitor/security guard who checks my thoughts to make sure I don't keep any lustful thoughts of other people in my mind. Love stands at the door of my brain and says to lustful thoughts: "Nope. You're not allowed. Vaporize."

 

You can control your own brain. Human brains are amazing. You can take charge of what thoughts you let stew and what thoughts you dismiss as unworthy for whatever reason.

 

You are what you think. So, allow/act only on thoughts that have to do with being faithful and loving your girlfriend, and that's what you will be!

[crederer]

How do you avoid urges to cheat? Pretty simple really, if you are in a relationship that you cherish, don't ever, under any circumstances, put yourself in a position where cheating would ever be a possibility.

 

Everyone has urges from time to time, it's part of the human condition. But we are not wild animals that lack the ability for self control.

[TaraMaiden]

I note with interest the OP has been voluble with his responses.....

 

[BeholdtheMan]

Be a man and tell her the truth.

 

Would you want her to keep you in the dark if she were getting some strange d ick on the side?

 

It sounds like you have strong urges to sleep with multiple women and the ability to do so. These urges won't suddenly disappear. They can only be "exorcised" by getting them out of your system (i.e. by sleeping around until you've had your fill).

 

I strongly recommend that you confess your cheating to you girlfriend (it's only fair to let her decide whether she wants to keep a cheating boyfriend).

 

If she decides to end it, you're now free to play the field to your heart's content. Get it out of your system if you can, and try to behave with greater integrity toward your next serious girlfriend.