I realized today that she's not coming back

[justletgo07]

I have posted my story on other forums, but I guess I have always resisted posting here...until now. We were together for 2 years and have been both broken up and NC for 1 month today. No attempts to contact on either side. We have crossed paths several times (she lives across the street from me) but no acknowledgement or communication beyond glances.

 

For this month I have, of course, been thinking a lot about my ex and our relationship. I have started working out regularly, and have joined a Bible Study, and have generally tried to focus on myself, my needs, and learning from the relationship. Throughout all of this I have harbored some sense of hope that maybe in time she'll reconsider her decision once she see's what life is like without me...but not anymore.

 

I'm not sure exactly what did it. Just a feeling I guess, after looking at our break up and our relationship. We didn't have a lot of drama, and the break up was sad but it wasn't a mess. She told me that she doesn't know what she wants, and that she can't/doesn't want go back to our relationship right now, that she's really sorry, and that she'll always look back on our 2 years together as happy times. She also said things like I didn't do anything wrong, I am a great guy, and she might be making the biggest mistake of her life, and she's not sure she'll find someone else who loves her as much as me, etc. At the time, I tried to find shreds of hope and promise in those words, but I think we can all agree that her words are incredibly final. She simply doesn't want to be with me anymore. For her, it was really over for good that day, and probably was for a while beforehand. Maybe there were things I could have done better, but at this point, it really is too little too late. This break up really is final and there's no going back or fixing it or reconciling, forever.

 

This type of finality is hard for me to comprehend at times. Its often hard to imagine having that much certainty about someone you used to love so deeply. Now, I'm not really sure how I'm feeling. Sort of a mix of numb, heartbroken, and defeated, but also a little relieved in a weird way. I guess its a relief in the sense that there really is no reason to keep looking back anymore...there's literally nothing there to hold on to. The relationship we had is 100% completely gone.

 

I don't hold ill feelings for my ex. Truth is, she's a really amazing girl, definitely one of the better ones. I know she made the right decision for her, which means that it was also the right decision for our relationship, even if it is not the decision I wanted to make or the outcome I wanted. I know that I can't project my own feelings on my ex, and that it would be selfish to do so.

 

So, starting today. I'm done counting days of NC, where I'm keeping myself rooted to a past that is gone and a relationship that no longer exists. Today starts day 1 of the rest of my life, and I intend to stop fighting life and start living it.

[mbee]

Stay strong and I'm glad you are ready to just start moving forward in your life. I can't wait till I hit that moment myself.

[fiftyofsomethin]

Yep! You are doing the right thing.

 

The first step is accepting the situation.

 

Something very similar happened to me in that she gave off a bit of false hope by using words like "not right now" or "maybe". When the dumper uses non-absolute words it is very easy to build up false hope.

 

But alas, as you said, it was the best choice for her and the relationship. And consequently, for you.

 

Just stay confident, strong, and positive.

[amaysngrace]

Wow. One month and you are ready to close this chapter of your life?

 

Good for you!! You sound like a keeper to me.

[Compromize]

I think I am reaching this point myself. I get breadcrumbs and like the full I have been, respond to them with heartfelt sentiment. To which I get...... nothing in return except the rejection of no response. Or another breadcrumb a week or two later. I'm sick of holding on and basically waiting for someone who repeatedly rejects me. For me it's been 3 months. She had been dating and called me to say she wanted me back, but not yet, or possibly never.

 

Like you, my day 1 of not caring about NC or counting the days or waiting for someone who is already gone started yesterday. I'm done worrying. I just want to be happy and obsessing admit someone that I no longer have a relationship with except in my head is not healthy. If she comes back, she will have to make it happen. I can't live waiting for that day when my head says it will never happen even though my heart wants it more than anything.

 

I am letting this hope die because it will kill me when I do get yet another goodbye or likbreadcrumbs for months about taking it slowly when in actuality she is doing absolutely nothing in regards to us.

 

You have the right idea brother. Move forward. I don't have anything to regret, I put it all out there and it sounds like you did as well. We can't make them want to be with us. Stay strong.

[justletgo07]

You sound like a keeper to me.

 

Aww thanks! I really needed that today!

[justletgo07]

I think I am reaching this point myself. I get breadcrumbs and like the full I have been, respond to them with heartfelt sentiment. To which I get...... nothing in return except the rejection of no response. Or another breadcrumb a week or two later. I'm sick of holding on and basically waiting for someone who repeatedly rejects me. For me it's been 3 months. She had been dating and called me to say she wanted me back, but not yet, or possibly never.

 

Like you, my day 1 of not caring about NC or counting the days or waiting for someone who is already gone started yesterday. I'm done worrying. I just want to be happy and obsessing admit someone that I no longer have a relationship with except in my head is not healthy. If she comes back, she will have to make it happen. I can't live waiting for that day when my head says it will never happen even though my heart wants it more than anything.

 

I am letting this hope die because it will kill me when I do get yet another goodbye or likbreadcrumbs for months about taking it slowly when in actuality she is doing absolutely nothing in regards to us.

 

You have the right idea brother. Move forward. I don't have anything to regret, I put it all out there and it sounds like you did as well. We can't make them want to be with us. Stay strong.

 

I know the feeling of struggling to let hope die. Since my declaration last night I have been struggling and backsliding again today.

 

It's funny (well, I guess funny is the wrong word, because I feel terrible for what you're going through), but for a while there I was checking your other thread everyday to see how things were turning out. Yours were one of the stories I was really seeking hope in, and I think your experience helped show me that being a good man, having patience, and loving someone completely has nothing to do with how someone feels about you. I absolutely hate that your ex set you back the way she did, but I want to thank you for sharing your experience so that people like me can learn and grow through you.

 

Hang in there brother.

[EnTT]

I think it's great that you've come to that realization. I myself am starting to slowly realize it after 8 months, but I STILL find myself trying to hold on to someone that isn't even there.

 

Thanks for sharing your story.. It really does help encourage those of us that are still in between phases.

[Compromize]

I know the feeling of struggling to let hope die. Since my declaration last night I have been struggling and backsliding again today.

 

It's funny (well, I guess funny is the wrong word, because I feel terrible for what you're going through), but for a while there I was checking your other thread everyday to see how things were turning out. Yours were one of the stories I was really seeking hope in, and I think your experience helped show me that being a good man, having patience, and loving someone completely has nothing to do with how someone feels about you. I absolutely hate that your ex set you back the way she did, but I want to thank you for sharing your experience so that people like me can learn and grow through you.

 

Hang in there brother.

 

I am glad that sharing my story has in some way helped another, for me it has been therapeutic to at least get it out and not bottle it in or go crazy trying to get her to respond to me or come back.

 

You are right about the being a good man, waiting and loving someone completely not having anything to do with getting someone else to feel the same way, or at least show you that they feel the same way. I still love her with all of my heart but I cannot just wait for her possible return and put all my hopes and faith in it. If she really wanted what she said she did her actions would show it and prove it. All they show me is how much I wish I had the power to ignore her like she does so easily to me. I have to let it go for my own sanity. The past 1-1/2 years she has left me 3 times for a total of 9.5 months out of the last 18 month. Nothing to say about that. It speaks for itself. If she wanted to be with me, she would be. We can all say the same things. Sure we made mistakes, so did they but we would have stayed with them. What does it say about us may be your question. Mine used to be. But now it's what does it say about them. It says they don't value us and the actions only show that clearly.

 

Maybe I could be wrong and she shows up at my door, your door begging to be taken back and to have the relationship back. If anyone reading this has this happen to them in the near future I will print this thread out and eat it. Really.

[justletgo07]

I am glad that sharing my story has in some way helped another, for me it has been therapeutic to at least get it out and not bottle it in or go crazy trying to get her to respond to me or come back.

 

You are right about the being a good man, waiting and loving someone completely not having anything to do with getting someone else to feel the same way, or at least show you that they feel the same way. I still love her with all of my heart but I cannot just wait for her possible return and put all my hopes and faith in it. If she really wanted what she said she did her actions would show it and prove it. All they show me is how much I wish I had the power to ignore her like she does so easily to me. I have to let it go for my own sanity. The past 1-1/2 years she has left me 3 times for a total of 9.5 months out of the last 18 month. Nothing to say about that. It speaks for itself. If she wanted to be with me, she would be. We can all say the same things. Sure we made mistakes, so did they but we would have stayed with them. What does it say about us may be your question. Mine used to be. But now it's what does it say about them. It says they don't value us and the actions only show that clearly.

 

Maybe I could be wrong and she shows up at my door, your door begging to be taken back and to have the relationship back. If anyone reading this has this happen to them in the near future I will print this thread out and eat it. Really.

 

I will join you in eating a printed copy of this thread! Bring it!

 

It really is amazing how some people just crumble at and run from relationship adversity, while others of us see it as an opportunity to prove that we can weather the storm and figure things out as a couple. I often feel like problems and/or perceived incompatibility aren't typically the reasons that things end, because people stay in problematic relationships all the time! People fight for those relationships, in fact! Especially when the problems are minor, there's just something else at play...just some unexplainable, unpredictable, uncontrollable urge on the part of one party to see what else is out there. I think some people are just searching for some (possibly mystical) feeling of absolute certainty that they are making the right choice being with a person, and I think in doing so they end up missing out on some really great people like ourselves!

 

It sucks to be on the receiving end, but I figure that's just life, and it just happens sometimes.

[agb]

That's fantastic. Good for you man.. As scary as it is to accept that you're moving on, I'm happy that you reached that stage

[eachcomingnight]

Thank you for sharing!

 

I'm in a similar place. My break-up was just over a month ago. Like yours, it was heartbreaking but there was no real catalyst rather than a lack of certainty on his part and his feeling that he needed to be sure about things (I was going to move to his country).

 

I went a month NC then reached out - though i did it in the guise of a friendly check-in, my real reason for doing it was to be certain that he wasn't holding back anything since I'd asked him not to contact me. It started a few back-and-forths which left me feeling like crap, because I realized that the whole time I'd been NC I had really been hoping that it was going to make him wake up and "snap out of it." He didn't. I finally wrote back a very final email explaining where I stood and reiterating the fact that we cannot be friends. I did not say "contact me if you change your mind" but I did mention that reaching out in the first place had been foolish of me because I knew he'd have contacted me if he regretted things.

 

It has only been three or four days since then but the fact that he has not responded has really settled things in my mind - he may feel sad, but he doesn't regret it and isn't changing his mind. I won't be hearing back from him. And I'm oddly okay. That month of NC showed me that I can live without him, and like you, I think the hope was really the reason for my feeling so much internal turmoil.

 

We had a great relationship and I truly think he is an amazing person. I agree with everything you said about people missing out, and I have a very strong feeling that he will look back on this one day and regret it. But it would be silly for me to sit around and waste my time hoping this is going to happen.

 

Good luck as your journey continues. I have learned so much going through this process.