coltsfan1 Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Sorry to tell you, but mid 20's early 30's is by no means mature. Not In big cities anyway :/ Have to agree on the 20's opinion but if you are early 30's and not mature its a real issue. Im 33 and live in one of the largest cities in the states and I'm mature. Just my $.02.
clia Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Next time around in a relationship, I was thinking about the things I Have learnt. One common issue I see is: after a while, one person falls in love and the other does not. Sometimes. Or sometimes both people fall in love. Or sometimes neither person falls in love. Here is my theory, as to how to go about entering into relationships: - be FRIENDS first with someone. For a few months. That way, it makes sense that it would be clearly apparent if the capacity to fall in love was there for both parties. If the guy cannot stop thinking about you and realises he is crazy about you, then you can date if he can see himself falling in love with you. How is this theory? I don't understand it. What makes you think a man wouldn't be able to realize he is crazy about you if you weren't friends first? What makes you think it will take a man a few months to realize that he is crazy about you or could see himself falling in love with you? It doesn't take men that long. I want to wait a long time to start dating again. However; when I do, I reallllly want to take things slow. I want to start as friends, and only DATE them if there is real potential. I think you will pass up a lot of opportunities if you limit yourself to this. I don't know many guys who will want to hang around and be your friend for awhile while you decide if you want to date them or not. I'm not saying it can't work -- I just don't see why you would limit yourself to one scenario. I think the "feeling" is either there or not. I agree. That's why I'm not sure why you think you need this period of friendship first. I think hanging out as friends first would determine how strong they feel, and whether it is just infatuation or not... But so would dating normally. Lastly: I am planning to date mature men in their mid 20's to early 30's. I am hoping to come across men who KNOW what it feels like to be madly in love, and who KNOW those special feelings when they come across them. You are young enough that I don't see why you would limit yourself to men who have been madly in love before. Maybe some men haven't fallen madly in love yet and you would be their first. Is this making any sense? Not really. I think you are hurting now from your break-up and are concoting ways to prevent being hurt in the future. You simply can't do that. You may well get hurt again someday. All you can do is trudge on, remain optimistic, and go with the flow. 1
phineas Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 I'm more than fine with being friends with a woman, but my outlook on that relation doesn't tend to change, if other side suddenly wanted more somewhere down the road. Ie. you suggest we are friends - I gladly accept and we may become them. In the meantime I keep on looking for romantic prospects and expect that you to do the same, but that doesn't stop me from enjoying being friends, if that's indeed what you want. I am the same. Woman says "friends" I don't touch her or flirt with her & I treat her like a friend. Except, they ALWAYS go skitzo on me when another woman shows interest or I go out with another woman. But they maintain they don't want to date me. HUH?
RedRobin Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 I think what she is saying is that she doesn't want to risk being some guy's 'read between the lines' FWB or good-for-now girl while they get to know each other. Nor does she want to sleep with every guy she MIGHT have an interest in. Lots of women feel this way.
tricolors Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 Here's my deal, and maybe this isn't the type of situation the OP means, but it's something to ponder. I'm in a "relationship" that's steadily progressing where she said she wanted to take things slow and be friends first. We've been going out since late March. However, that's the difference. We're not just friends where each party doesn't know what the other is thinking about. I've flat out told her I'm interested in her, she's told me she's interested in me. We don't date anyone else. I've eaten dinner at her parents house before, and I'm going soon again. We've never had sex...we've never even made out before. So, in effect, maybe we're not technically "friends" since we both know we're into each other and are sort of monogamously "dating." She pays for some things, I pay for some things. She asks me to go out, I ask her to go out. Also, we have some friends in common who keep asking about us. They'll say "So, you two are official now?" We both say "No, we're just really good friends." We both know the other person is interested in more than just screwing around...I think that's the type of thing the OP is looking for. You want someone who is clearly not in a rush, or only interested in sex. It's really quite nice. 1
Mrlonelyone Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 IDK tricolors. As many people have said to me regarding a young woman I call M... that all could sound like "just friends" kind of activity. You never really know though. Sometimes you can be "just friends" one day, then more than friends the next, then back to just friends or less and back. Heck some people even go as far as getting married only to divorce then marry again.
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 11, 2013 Author Posted May 11, 2013 Iris - YAY! for you! I am thrilled that you FINALLY found a great guy who adores you! GOOD For you! You so deserved it after all this time. And of course I would welcome a relationship with a guy if we were both so taken with each other, that it was CLEAR we had something very special. In fact, I WANT to ONLY date people where we have that intense feeling right away, as you described you and your bf had. Except - while yes I would date them, my message in this thread was that I would take is slow. If I newly met a guy and we were both "smitten" as you put it, I would ask to hang around each other before anything physical happened for little while - I would want to get to know them somewhat first.... I guess yes I NEED to be really into each other early on, but used this only as an indication that yes I do want to text and hang out a lot - not that I need to rush into a full on relationship again; I want to get to know the guy and take things slowly.
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 11, 2013 Author Posted May 11, 2013 It hasn't worked for me. The last person I went out with we were friends first and I realised when we started dating that it should have stayed that way. It's not that I friendzoned him but that people are not the same in their friendships as they are in their romantic relationships. It's not indicative whether you will mesh sexually or how they see their romantic partners' role long term - when the differences are subtle. I disagree. I think if something is "there" between you, and you " just know" you are crazy about each other, you know early on. You just do. If you get to know them slower as friends rather than full on dating them and being sexual right away'; it will not friendzone a person who is truly into you in every way. Unless you friendzone them for AGES lol... At which point they would think " wow well we are crazy about each other, but Leigh, WHY won't you let me have you?" 1
joystickd Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 Next time around in a relationship, I was thinking about the things I Have learnt. One common issue I see is: after a while, one person falls in love and the other does not. Here is my theory, as to how to go about entering into relationships: - be FRIENDS first with someone. For a few months. That way, it makes sense that it would be clearly apparent if the capacity to fall in love was there for both parties. If the guy cannot stop thinking about you and realises he is crazy about you, then you can date if he can see himself falling in love with you. How is this theory? I want to wait a long time to start dating again. However; when I do, I reallllly want to take things slow. I want to start as friends, and only DATE them if there is real potential. I think the "feeling" is either there or not. I think hanging out as friends first would determine how strong they feel, and whether it is just infatuation or not... Lastly: I am planning to date mature men in their mid 20's to early 30's. I am hoping to come across men who KNOW what it feels like to be madly in love, and who KNOW those special feelings when they come across them. Is this making any sense? Not really. It comes off as more of a way to control the dynamic of the relationship. There is a lot of I in there. What do you have to offer? What is the benefit to him if he does friends first? Do you honestly believe that a man that know what he wants and knows what it's like to be madly in love would accept this arrangement? I think not.
A O Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 If the spark - sexual attraction - is there then do the go-slow, freinzie wenzie thang. If there's no spark then don't waste your time. 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 12, 2013 Author Posted May 12, 2013 If the spark - sexual attraction - is there then do the go-slow, freinzie wenzie thang. If there's no spark then don't waste your time. Oh of course. I guess I was a little off with the friends idea.... what I really meant was: to first stay SINGLE, until you really feel a spark with someone. Then, if it's clear that you're crazy about each other, of course proceed into a relationship. Just TAKE IT SLOW lol. You know- get to really know a person before you jump into a full on relationship, where you move in together and talk about your wedding.
A O Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 I dunno...I think that's what a relationship is for - to really get to know someone. The spark side of the equation is there to simply work out whether a relationship is even worth pursuing or not. Hard to see two people really trying to get to know each other while staying single at the same time unless they're mates, and if you're mates, chances are at least one of ya doesn't feel a spark. Best option, if sparks fly then angle for a relationship and work on from there building up (if everything continues on well) to moving in together and possible marriage or some form of long-term commitment. There are three potential phases here, the first one (simply agreeing to a relationship) really doesn't have to be a big deal while the final two is where you seek what you seem to be aiming for here but in phase one. Whatever the case, really getting to know someone and yet staying somewhat removed from them by remaining single just doesn't compute with me.
totallylost5040 Posted June 6, 2013 Posted June 6, 2013 worked for me..... but then she dumped me and now she wants to be friends again and pretty much start this whole process over.... who knows. im dumb for letting it get thta way.
Vervain Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 (edited) This sounds like it could work well in some cases, but this guy makes a point: Speaking as a guy who has become very attracted to various good friends over the years and gotten shot down (she wasn't interested in exploring those feelings) every single time, this is precisely the situation I avoid. Too much emotional investment. Now I go after girls I'm attracted to and find out if they're attracted to me. Once we figure that out, then we figure out if we're good for something serious. So I'd say that two deliberately friends-first people would need to manage their emotional investment and have some idea of when they're going to either jump in or let go of the idea of dating (to be just friends or be on their way). Otherwise it could go on and on. I don't envy anyone having that conversation. Edited June 7, 2013 by Vervain
Zio Corda Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Leigh, being friends first worked out GREAT for my wife and I. But be careful that you are really just friends. If you go into it already having feelings then you risk the hurt nerd mentioned in his reply if the other person doesn't feel the same way. Also there doesn't necessarily have to be a spark right away either. My wife and I weren't interested in each other for about a year after we met, then spontaneously and independently we both realized we were developing feelings. It wasn't for another few months after that that we got the courage up to admit it to each other. 18 months later we were married 1
newmoon Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 friends first has generally worked for me. I find that the relationships also last longer this way because the friendship beforehand allows the relationship to get past petty arguments and differences of opinion, etc. that couples without that friendship foundation cannot handle. it's really the best option imo
tricolors Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Since someone just bumped this post from almost a month ago, and I noticed someone "liked" my post from the 9th of May, I'll give an update. We've definitely moved past "friends" stage and into boyfriend / girlfriend behavior now. 1
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