Leigh 87 Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Next time around in a relationship, I was thinking about the things I Have learnt. One common issue I see is: after a while, one person falls in love and the other does not. Here is my theory, as to how to go about entering into relationships: - be FRIENDS first with someone. For a few months. That way, it makes sense that it would be clearly apparent if the capacity to fall in love was there for both parties. If the guy cannot stop thinking about you and realises he is crazy about you, then you can date if he can see himself falling in love with you. How is this theory? I want to wait a long time to start dating again. However; when I do, I reallllly want to take things slow. I want to start as friends, and only DATE them if there is real potential. I think the "feeling" is either there or not. I think hanging out as friends first would determine how strong they feel, and whether it is just infatuation or not... Lastly: I am planning to date mature men in their mid 20's to early 30's. I am hoping to come across men who KNOW what it feels like to be madly in love, and who KNOW those special feelings when they come across them. Is this making any sense? 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 I am done with men, how is that for a theory 6
starla33 Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Next time around in a relationship, I was thinking about the things I Have learnt. One common issue I see is: after a while, one person falls in love and the other does not. Here is my theory, as to how to go about entering into relationships: - be FRIENDS first with someone. For a few months. That way, it makes sense that it would be clearly apparent if the capacity to fall in love was there for both parties. If the guy cannot stop thinking about you and realises he is crazy about you, then you can date if he can see himself falling in love with you. How is this theory? I want to wait a long time to start dating again. However; when I do, I reallllly want to take things slow. I want to start as friends, and only DATE them if there is real potential. I think the "feeling" is either there or not. I think hanging out as friends first would determine how strong they feel, and whether it is just infatuation or not... Lastly: I am planning to date mature men in their mid 20's to early 30's. I am hoping to come across men who KNOW what it feels like to be madly in love, and who KNOW those special feelings when they come across them. Is this making any sense? Sorry to tell you, but mid 20's early 30's is by no means mature. Not in big cities anyway :/ 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 Elswyth - I started seeing Andrew from the day we met. Then he did some things that made me question either his capacity for falling in love with me, or character and level of maturity. From now on, I want to meet guys who know what it is like when that very special, rare feeling hits them, and to be friends with men until they KNOW they feel that way about me. Did you feel it with your boyfriend? Even couples who are madly in love do not always work out; so it is better to at least only DATE people who have that very strong gut feeling about; Which you only know through experience and through getting to know a person before dating them. I rushed in head first with a guy that had no experience with long term R's and whom I hardly knew. It leaves you questioning: do how are they supposed to KNOW what being madly in love is, if they have only had it "once" with you?
Els Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Elswyth - I started seeing Andrew from the day we met. Then he did some things that made me question either his capacity for falling in love with me, or character and level of maturity. From now on, I want to meet guys who know what it is like when that very special, rare feeling hits them, and to be friends with men until they KNOW they feel that way about me. I'm sorry to hear that. I don't think being friends first necessarily guarantees the bolded, though. It's just an approach that some people, including myself, feel is more suitable for them. Did you feel it with your boyfriend? Yes. Perhaps more importantly, his actions that precipitated the transition from friendship to romance, left me in no doubt that HE felt it for me. It leaves you questioning: do how are they supposed to KNOW what being madly in love is, if they have only had it "once" with you? I think some people do; I wouldn't doubt someone solely because of their history. Their current actions (as opposed to words) matter much more to me.
Queenie42 Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 I've found that being friends can help. In particular it gives you a head start on the "getting to know you" phase, which could save you going through a lot of dodgy first dates. At the same time, beware the friendzone. It is not a mythical place. And don't worry about feeling madly in love. You can't make it happen, not everyone will be able to recognise it immediately. It could be a first-sight thing or a slow burn thing, and up to a point you can just let it happen. I say "up to a point" because you could be with a guy for ten years and if he's still not sure by then, there's a problem. For now you can just concentrate on you
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 Sorry Tara - I meant: mature men in terms of their experience; men who have fallen in love once or at least had a long term relationship. I need men who know about love and dating to know, after hanging out with me as a friend, if they feel anything special for me. Further - maturity is not an age sorry, but rather a state of mind and the way you behave. I want men who don't do.. any IMMATURE things lol, in terms of.. how they deal with their feelings. A lot of bad relationship habits stem from immaturity.
Author Leigh 87 Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 Queenie - I do worry about the madly in love thing - I only want to even date a person if they feel something special about me, rather than just liking me and thinking I would be a great girl to get to know.
nerd Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Speaking as a guy who has become very attracted to various good friends over the years and gotten shot down (she wasn't interested in exploring those feelings) every single time, this is precisely the situation I avoid. Too much emotional investment. Now I go after girls I'm attracted to and find out if they're attracted to me. Once we figure that out, then we figure out if we're good for something serious. 2
sillyanswer Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Here is my theory, as to how to go about entering into relationships: - be FRIENDS first with someone. For a few months. That way, it makes sense that it would be clearly apparent if the capacity to fall in love was there for both parties. If the guy cannot stop thinking about you and realises he is crazy about you, then you can date if he can see himself falling in love with you. How is this theory? One practical problem with "friends first" is that if one party (man or woman) actually wants to go on dates and do the things that friends don't do but dating partners might do then they might bail when someone more dating-oriented comes along.
Mrlonelyone Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 I think your theory is perfect. Getting to know someone as a friend, or as part of an activity, or as a coworker first is the best way to go. Then you get to see what they are really about, not just the mask they wear on a date. Let's face it, on a date we all put up a big front. We have to obey these made up ruels. If you are friends there are less rules. Being friends and hanging out doing every day things is IMO much more like life after dating. 1
soccerrprp Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 I am done with men, how is that for a theory Oh, stop it. I am not certain about this "friend" thing. Sounds good in theory, but what does that mean exactly? Are you putting yourself in self-imposed "friend-zone? Will the other person want that? Or will he/she simply conclude that you are not interested in a relationship? Or is this being friends a way to take things REALLY slow? I can understand this. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Sorry to tell you, but mid 20's early 30's is by no means mature. Not in big cities anyway :/ I chuckled a bit when I read this...Hell, most guys around here dont even pay their own car insurance til they are 30... TFY 1
iris219 Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Being friends first can be difficult. I did not intend to date my BF; I thought we were just friends, but by the second "date," it was clear we weren't just going to be friends. Why just be friends when we had already decided we were smitten? Dating friends can work. Not dating men you like and who might like you, but choosing to be friends with them instead sounds risky. They might start dating someone else, they might not want to be your friend, or they might stop liking you as more than a friend.
runningfar Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 I've been very happy dating only people I was friends with first. 1
salparadise Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 (edited) Oh, stop it. I am not certain about this "friend" thing. Sounds good in theory, but what does that mean exactly? Are you putting yourself in self-imposed "friend-zone? Will the other person want that? Or will he/she simply conclude that you are not interested in a relationship? Or is this being friends a way to take things REALLY slow? I can understand this. That's my reaction to this scenario as well. Theoretically there's nothing wrong with falling in love with a friend, but to try and reverse engineer such that it become a criteria seems unrealistic unless you already have tons of prospective male friends in the wings just waiting on a chance to fall in love with you. Trying to imagine how this would go... hot guy: hey, I like your face, want to go on a date? leigh: well, my new policy is I only date if we're friends first hot guy: ok, how long do we need to be friends? leigh: oh, about 18 months, then I'll decide if you're datable hot guy: so, you mean friends with benefits? leigh: sort of, I get benefits, you wait 18 months hot guy: what do you mean? leigh: you woo me and buy me nice dinners, but I don't put out hot guy: but what if I need to hump in say, about a month or two? leigh: I'll allow you to hump your fist and think about me hot guy: would we be exclusive? leigh: you would be, but I'd want several men wooing at once hot guy: do I get blow jobs? leigh: no, friends don't blow friends hot guy: but what if after 18 months you pick someone else? leigh: then at least you had the privilege of being a prospect and buying me a lot of nice dinners hot guy: ok, I'm so excited! Sign me up. Edited May 9, 2013 by salparadise 2
Emilia Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 - be FRIENDS first with someone. For a few months. That way, it makes sense that it would be clearly apparent if the capacity to fall in love was there for both parties. If the guy cannot stop thinking about you and realises he is crazy about you, then you can date if he can see himself falling in love with you. How is this theory? It hasn't worked for me. The last person I went out with we were friends first and I realised when we started dating that it should have stayed that way. It's not that I friendzoned him but that people are not the same in their friendships as they are in their romantic relationships. It's not indicative whether you will mesh sexually or how they see their romantic partners' role long term - when the differences are subtle.
soccerrprp Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 That's my reaction to this scenario as well. Theoretically there's nothing wrong with falling in love with a friend, but to try and reverse engineer such that it become a criteria seems unrealistic unless you already have tons of prospective male friends in the wings just waiting on a chance to fall in love with you. Trying to imagine how this would go... hot guy: hey, I like your face, want to go on a date? leigh: well, my new policy is I only date if we're friends first hot guy: ok, how long do we need to be friends? leigh: oh, about 18 months, then I'll decide if you're datable hot guy: so, you mean friends with benefits? leigh: sort of, I get benefits, you wait 18 months hot guy: what do you mean? leigh: you woo me and buy me nice dinners, but I don't put out hot guy: but what if I need to hump in say, about a month or two? leigh: I'll allow you to hump your fist and think about me hot guy: would we be exclusive? leigh: you would be, but I'd want several men wooing at once hot guy: do I get blow jobs? leigh: no, friends don't blow friends hot guy: but what if after 18 months you pick someone else? leigh: then at least you had the privilege of being a prospect and buying me a lot of nice dinners hot guy: ok, I'm so excited! Sign me up. LOL! Not certain that's exactly how it would go, but I get you! The being friends thing is all so amorphous, uncertain, non-committal and doesn't spell out "I want to have a relationship with you" at all. So, what is the point?
HuffmanMontana Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Sorry to tell you, but mid 20's early 30's is by no means mature. Not in big cities anyway :/ Out of curiosity, what would you define as mature? I think there are so many personalities out there that mature is not universal. I would like to expand more but I want to read your response first.
TheGuard13 Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 While friends do occassionally become lovers, planning this approach almost never works for men. Probably the worst thing they can do if they're romantically interested in a woman.
BoneyHadger Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 I'm more than fine with being friends with a woman, but my outlook on that relation doesn't tend to change, if other side suddenly wanted more somewhere down the road. Ie. you suggest we are friends - I gladly accept and we may become them. In the meantime I keep on looking for romantic prospects and expect that you to do the same, but that doesn't stop me from enjoying being friends, if that's indeed what you want.
KungFuJoe Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 I've never dated anyone I was friends with first. I guess my first gf might count, but I only knew her through a mutual friend and the first time we went out by ourselves, I asked her out. We only knew each other a few weeks by this time. My wife and I barely knew each other before we got together...and that's been working out pretty damn well so far.
Estate Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Next time around in a relationship, I was thinking about the things I Have learnt. One common issue I see is: after a while, one person falls in love and the other does not. Here is my theory, as to how to go about entering into relationships: - be FRIENDS first with someone. For a few months. That way, it makes sense that it would be clearly apparent if the capacity to fall in love was there for both parties. If the guy cannot stop thinking about you and realises he is crazy about you, then you can date if he can see himself falling in love with you. How is this theory? I want to wait a long time to start dating again. However; when I do, I reallllly want to take things slow. I want to start as friends, and only DATE them if there is real potential. I think the "feeling" is either there or not. I think hanging out as friends first would determine how strong they feel, and whether it is just infatuation or not... Lastly: I am planning to date mature men in their mid 20's to early 30's. I am hoping to come across men who KNOW what it feels like to be madly in love, and who KNOW those special feelings when they come across them. Is this making any sense? I mean, on a logical level it would seem to make sense. Be friends, and if that goes better than expected, you should date and so on... But dating and love is not about "logic", it's about emotion. When you meet someone, it sets the tone of your relationship from there on. Acquantainces, friends or lovers. That's not to say it NEVER happens, transition from 1 of those to another (before someone tells me about their friend Marsha who married her bff from college) but more often than not... it doesn't work. Trying to change the dynamic of a relationship which has already been set is just a pain in the ass and causes heartbreak. Why can't you ust date someone you meet instead of friendzoning him if you actually like him... it makes no sense. You also risk losing him or her as while you twiddle your thumbs making up your mind, they are likely out there meeting and sleeping with people who are not playing these games.
carhill Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Here is my theory, as to how to go about entering into relationships: - be FRIENDS first with someone. For a few months. That way, it makes sense that it would be clearly apparent if the capacity to fall in love was there for both parties. If the guy cannot stop thinking about you and realises he is crazy about you, then you can date if he can see himself falling in love with you. How is this theory? This theory matches up with my natural style and, with now 54 under my belt, has failed spectacularly in my demographic. The only relationships and marriage I've had have resulted from immediate and aggressive romantic pursuit, effectively abandoning my natural style to conform to the demographic. Good luck.
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