Eivuwan Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 I've been talking to my friends and my therapist about the break up of my 4 year long relationship (I have known him for about 6 years). My therapist understands but I cannot talk to her everyday, and it seems that although my friends try to help, they simply do not understand my pain and were a bit dismissive of my feelings (not intentionally of course). I guess I am just looking for some understanding. This person was my first boyfriend, my first love and first crush. We met in high school. During high school, we were really immature and fought a lot. So he broke up with me. Then in college, we met briefly and it ended badly due to all the resentment from high school. A year later in college, he started pursuing me again due to a blog post I wrote about my reflections on my life so far. He felt that I have become much more mature and so he was attracted to me again. That was the start of our 4 year relationship with 2 years of living together and then 2 years of long distance. Things were much better compared to high school and we thought we were going to marry each other despite some ongoing problems. Without going into all the details, basically, we just moved in back together a month ago. I was so happy that long distance ended and that we can finally focus on resolving some of those issues in a more diligent manner. In fact, I have already begun improving myself in the way he wanted (these are things I value too except I was too lazy in the past to work on them. so I'm not just changing for him.). However, I noticed that he's been distant with me ever since we moved back in together and that he did not improve himself in the way I wanted him to. I was very hurt and resentful because I was trying my best and he wasn't. He was acting like he didn't care about me and wasn't interested in me. Then we had a talk about 1.5 weeks ago and he basically said that he wasn't attracted to me anymore. We initially tried to work on the relationship, but I was the only one doing anything most of the time. I asked him why he wasn't motivated and he said that attraction is hard to regain and that he believes most of the problems are my fault and that he contributed more to the relationship. I got fed up feeling like I was the only one who wanted to make things work so I moved out (just my clothes and essentials so far) and asked him for a break up. On the day I moved out he cried and said that he loves me and all that stuff. Keep in mind that I've only seen him cry once before this since I've known him. On that day he showed me a lot of affection and consideration and basically all the things I wanted. I was very confused. Then ever since that day, he kept giving me mixed messages about what he wanted, but when I told him that I need some sort of deadline for deciding on what to do with this relationship he said he would rather that I move on than give me a time frame. So I am moving on and I would have to go NC with him probably forever because otherwise I'll just be tempted to go back to him. He is also very depressed, stressed out at work, having issues with friends, and feeling suicidal. He told me he felt that his life fell apart when I told him I cannot talk to him ever again. He keeps acting like I'm the one who rejected him sigh... I don't know what to make of this. Also, I just want everyone to know that I am not in this relationship because I think he's the "one" or that I want a relationship just for the sake of one. It's just that I've known him for so long that I care about him and love him a lot. My friends don't get that it really hurts. Sigh
Author Eivuwan Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 I guess I just don't understand how he can act as though he is so much more depressed than me over all this, when he was the one who rejected me and refused to keep trying. It makes me feel that we have a chance, but whenever I ask him anything about the future, he would tell me to move on and then act very hurt when I do try to move on. I feel so confused and hurt. Also he wants us to remain friends, but I know I cannot do that if I really want to move on. On the other hand, I'm worried about him. I care about him a lot and he's going through a hard time right now and although he has friends, they're not great listeners. But trying to support him as a friend hurts me and I am tired of hurting myself to give him what he needs. I am sure of my decision, but I am afraid of what will happen when I go back to his apartment for the last time to move out the rest of my stuff. If he acts cold to me, I would be hurt. If he wants me back, I would be scared. If he says he loves me but doesn't want a romantic relationship, I would be confused. Sigh.
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