malxme Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Hi all. This has been a situation ongoing for months now and after finally walking away for good (I hope) i just want to know people opinions on the matter. I was in a relationship for 2 1/2 years. We had our fair share of arguements, due to being long distance and having very different personalities, but there was also just SO much love that we made it work. But towards the end, I felt that he was pulling away and tried to talk to him about it, explained I needed a bit more communication from him (being that we were long distance for weeks at a time). He'd basically say that was not possible, i'd get very hurt and we'd fight. Then I started to notice he was in touch with his ex alot, and I was getting the vibe that she wanted him back. I asked him specifically to not see her 1 on 1 (as it seemed like a date situation) but did not tell him not to see her at all (was trying not to be too controlling...) He agreed to this. But I then found out he'd ignored me at least twice. Seeing movies with her etc (does that not seem like a date??) Things started to get really bad, I got so paranoid that I looked at his phone (Awful I know...) and found they'd be flirting and dirty texting (a little bit). I was extremely hurt, we had a big fight. Eventually he dumped me, and in my view it was him choosing her over me. I'd asked him to stop seeing her and flirting with her, then he dumped me. BUT, he then came back a few months later, saying he wanted me back, he only ended it because he 'knew' we'd get back together and wanted to give me time to 'calm down and not be angry'. I'd started spending time with a new guy not long before this, and when the old bf came back on the scene he was furious, considers it cheating etc etc. I ended things with the new guy after realising I still had feelings for the old bf. I told old bf I didnt know if I'd be able to bring all the old feelings back and get back together with him (he hurt me more than you could imagine) but if he wanted me in his life at all he had to get rid of the ex he had an emotional affair with. This is when the real problems started. I'd say "her or me". He'd say he was gonna end it with her. But wouldnt. He NEVER deleted her off his facebook, was still messaging her, and she'd turn up at his house, and I saw fb photos of the two of them together at a birthday party. LOTS of them. So for maybe 2 months we danced around it, we argued, we said goodbye, he'd come back saying he loves me, he STILL didnt get rid of her. And it absolutely kills me. I need her out of the picture completely in order to be able to forgive and move on. But he says she's his best friend (I thought that was ME) and that she 'helped him' deal with all the pain of losing me- HE dumped ME. And on a side note, not long after he left me I walked in on them in bed together (he says nothing happened, regardless, it hurts he shared a bed with her so soon). I'm trying to not make this TOOOOO huge so long story slightly less long, he had an emotional affair, and while I know its not really cheating (or at least he claims it wasn't) I was still absolutely gutted. Was I wrong to want her gone, after everything she and him caused to our relationship? I ended things with the new guy to be fair to them both, shouldnt he show me the same courtesy? The last fight we had, I said it was over and it was time to give up (its been said alot though) and the next day I saw her car at his house. Within only a few hours?? ouch Thoughts please? Im sorry its so long!
carhill Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 To answer the title, if he engaged in behaviors which would be inappropriate and disapproved of by yourself if performed in front of you, and he deceived you about those behaviors, it's cheating. Male and female friends don't share beds together unless they're gay and, even then, not really. Hence, he cheated, EA and probably PA, so go with that. Work it out or move on. My sympathies.
TheBladeRunner Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 IMO, an "EA" is still cheating. My STBXW started with the a few EA's and eventually it went physical. To be quite honest, I have wondered if she continued to converse with the guy she was with ten years ago before me; the one that basically crapped all over her. I have wondered this because just a few months ago he was posting comments about my daughter on her Facebook page.......man I hate Facebook! Only you know how you feel, and if all it really was is an emotional affair and you're OK with it, then you're OK with it. Me, not so much because if they are going outside of a marriage or serious relationship, IMO, it is cheating amd I also feel it will lead to the next level of the affair. I learned of the first one about a year ago and tried to work it out, there was another EA after that and once I found out about that one, that was it, I filed for divorce and moved out. It wasn't until recently I found out about her old BF that was so bad to her, he even had her thrown in jail on a domestic violence charge that was bogus! If that's what she wants, that's what she can have. If you can find it within YOURSELF to move past an EA and work it out, that's great. I could not, I know myself and I knew that I could forgive her, but I will never trust her and I cannot forget betrayal at that level. JMTC
Author malxme Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 I'm glad I'm not the only one that considers it still cheating. Maybe its not as bad as physical cheating, but it still breaks that trust! To make matters worse I tried so hard to explain to him that I really needed more from him as a partner and he was adamant he couldnt do it, and yet I find out he was giving her all his time, sharing personal details of our relationship, and pushing me away and letting her in. I'm still unsure if I believe him when he says it wasn't physical, but I do know SHE tried to take it to that level. And I'm fairly sure that if it had carried on, if we had stayed together, something would have happened.
Radu Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 He cheated and your judgement was spot on [including the snooping], untill you decided to stick with him even though he wouldn't cut her out of his life. He tried to have both of you. I hope you dumped him for good. PS: Emotional cheating is worse than physical cheating. Most ppl think of proof of cheating as something that happens physically, they are in bed ... But in emotional cheating you can't get that kind of proof, because it's all in their minds and you go off on their behaviours. The way social media evolved also made it much easier to happen.
Silly_Girl Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 In simplest terms, I'd rather my partner dunked his magic wand in someone without the feelings than had something emotional. The attachment would be harder to take than the physical procedure of sex. I could compartmentalise the sex part, approach it cleanly and find ways through to try and reconcile, step by step. But feelings, attachments, emotional stuff... They're there, all day, every day. I know me and I know the triggers would be coming thick and fast. I couldn't do it. But I know many people have better coping mechanisms or can be more pragmatic than I.
Jenn.Smith Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Sex is sex. A natural animal urge we (some of us) learn to control. But EA requre the person involved giving their heart to someone else. I have nothing against men and women bein friendsR but what he has done crosses friendship lines. He is keepig her on the side. Get out.
Author malxme Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 Thanks everybody for the input. It makes me very sad, but it feels good to know I did the right thing. He was doing his very best to make me feel like I was being unreasonable and cruel. Even the girl, who in my eyes essentially stole him from me, is all "Why is she doing this to me? I don't deserve this, I deserve better" blah blah. However the fact that he went running back to her less than ONE day after an argument, showed me that I was entirely right in thinking she had to be completely gone. We always talked quite seriously about having a future, but throughout our entire relationship I came after so many other things eg his band, his friends, his cars. I couldn't stand coming after her too. I was desperate for more of his attention when we were long distance and tried to accept that he was too busy. Little did I know he was also busy spending all his time with HER. I am trying to be strong and not contact him. So far it has been 4 days NC. Feels like forever already!
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