DelusionalOne Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Dude.... you are crazy for even considering this....even momentarily considering this. I don't think I have heard of many more selfish reasons to have a child then the crap she was spewing to you. This is nothing more than a trap to hold you forever. And yes, that's how long it is...forever. How would you like to pay court mandated child support for a child you will never see? Listen I don't know how old you are or how old she is but this is my experience.... My child is the greatest thing that has ever happened to my life. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her. If my head was on fire and she wanted a glass of water, she would get that first. BUT... I had my child when I was older.... after I had done my partying....after I had done my traveling....after I spent a whole lot of selfish ME time and money. When I had my child.... she could only ADD to my life, not take anything away from it because...been there, done that. I wouldn't be missing out on anything. And free time, ME time and disposable income... well that pretty much becomes a thing of the past because someone else's needs come first now. Please shake off the fog.... no matter how flattered you are with all of this.... it is a bad idea. 8
Owl Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Just to dial up the paranoia a notch... wanna bet she's pregnant with husband's baby already? Hmmm... This was my gut reaction to the OP as well. 3
Poppy fields Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 She is still within the window to take the morning after pill. I would encourage her to take it. 1
veryhappy Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 (edited) Just to add my own experience. I wanted a child with exMM more than anything( well a girl to be exact ), but this was one of the very reasons I ended the A. I knew I could get an unplanned pregnancy because birth control fails, and would keep it. Another nightmare scenario for me was getting pregnant and not knowing who the father was. That really brought things to a stop for me, because I'm not that person and it would have been catastrophic to put myself in that situation. You need to think in terms of the real world. Wanting a child is normal, but a child needs normalcy and calm as much ad possible, not being brought in a messed up situation. To address the questions about married people prefering being thrown out, yes, the kind who won't leave have a passive way about it to wish the spouse threw them out. Seems easier and alleviates the guilt if the other one does it. It makes sense in their bigger passive ways. The problem is usually the spouse is the more proactive one and will not throw them out anyway( in case you do want the person ending up with you just because the spouse got so done to end a M for the one who wanted to leave). Edited May 9, 2013 by cutedragon
Praying4Peace Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 This may be off topic...but why do they live with their inlaws? Is it a cultural thing or a financial thing? Is it temporary or permanent? I'm asking because I think it gives me an additional insight into your MOW.
Got it Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 VS - you have to look after yourself on this and your best interest. This is just not a good situation for you. It is great you are thinking about having kids but you have to look at your legal rights with this and best/worst case scenarios. In bed, naked and horny is not a good time to make life altering decision about offspring. Please do what is best for you. ((((VS)))))) 1
Praying4Peace Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 One more thing VS- If she's still taking your advice, tell her to go to a therapist. What she's doing is 'forcing her hand'...meaning creating a situation where the decision will be made for her so she feels like she has no control over it. My exAP used to do this a lot. He would even admit it. She doesn't feel like she can leave the M. It's too big of a step for her bc her H hasn't done anything wrong and she had no right to fall for you. I'd ask her to go to IC pronto. Also- ask her to take a morning after pill. She has 2 days to do so. As you can see she is not someone who can handle intense emotions and decisions. If she is pregnant with your child, she'll probably have a nervous breakdown. 3
spice4life Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 (edited) Yeah, seriously....what IS this about? My exMM used to beg me to NOT use contraception. What would he be doing now had I followed that insanity and gotten knocked up? I don't get this logic...that NEEDING to leave a marriage is easier than deciding to leave? Is it really THAT difficult to ask for a divorce in this day and age? I hope you didn't take my post personal - it was not meant that way. When you mentioned that your MM said that then a bunch of others came out and said they were told the same thing. I was shocked because this was a whole new item in the list of affair dynamics to me. And I thought I had read it all! Wow. I have no idea what the motivation behind it would be...no clue at all. Maybe to keep you on the hook? Sarabi's explanation makes a lot of sense too. They want to keep you tied to them because they do not plan on leaving their wives and that is one sure fire way to do it! Gosh...I'm astounded at the lengths these people will go to make sure no one else eats their piece of cake. Holy cow! VS - snap yourself back to reality because this woman is screwed up and she will take you down with her. @Goodbye, you dodged a big bullet because can you imagine how it would be if d-day happened after you had a baby? OY! It would have been an absolute nightmare. People who truly love you and care about you will NOT put you in harms way. People who care look out for you. This feeling is getting stronger and stronger within me every single day. Remind yourself of this during those moments when you are feeling weak and have doubts. Edited May 9, 2013 by spice4life 1
Quiet Storm Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Her wanting a baby with you is not about love...it's about control. And manipulation. I agree that she may already be pregnant, and now has conveniently orchestrated these circumstances as an explanation. But even if she isn't pregnant, this is just wrong & sad. For her to even think it is a good idea to get pregnant by another man, that just shows you how out of touch with reality she really is. Someone that makes such impulsive decisions should not have children. She does not care about how you feel, how her husband feels, and how the child would feel. It's all about her and living in the moment, innocents be damned. And you, OP. You are just as bad. You are so horny that all logic just flies out the window? WTF? My 17 YO has enough sense to use protection. Raging hormones aside, even he knows that a pregnancy would eff up the lives of him, her & potentially a baby. I've read texts from his friends...juniors in HS have more self control than you do. You seriously need to check yourself, before you wreck yourself. A baby is not just a symbol of "love" (quotes emphasized). They are humans with thoughts, feelings, emotions...all things that will be undoubtedly affected by their parents behavior. I guess to some it's just one more apple falling from the dyfunctional tree. How cute. Babies are not pawns used to get a woman to leave her husband, and they are not anchors used to keep a man. To use them in this way is truly sad. 12
DelusionalOne Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Her wanting a baby with you is not about love...it's about control. And manipulation. I agree that she may already be pregnant, and now has conveniently orchestrated these circumstances as an explanation. But even if she isn't pregnant, this is just wrong & sad. For her to even think it is a good idea to get pregnant by another man, that just shows you how out of touch with reality she really is. Someone that makes such impulsive decisions should not have children. She does not care about how you feel, how her husband feels, and how the child would feel. It's all about her and living in the moment, innocents be damned. And you, OP. You are just as bad. You are so horny that all logic just flies out the window? WTF? My 17 YO has enough sense to use protection. Raging hormones aside, even he knows that a pregnancy would eff up the lives of him, her & potentially a baby. I've read texts from his friends...juniors in HS have more self control than you do. You seriously need to check yourself, before you wreck yourself. A baby is not just a symbol of "love" (quotes emphasized). They are humans with thoughts, feelings, emotions...all things that will be undoubtedly affected by their parents behavior. I guess to some it's just one more apple falling from the dyfunctional tree. How cute. Babies are not pawns used to get a woman to leave her husband, and they are not anchors used to keep a man. To use them in this way is truly sad. You can't see or hear me.... but I am standing up applauding you!!! 6
Praying4Peace Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 I didn't think of it as a control thing...but its true. My exMM used to say he wished I had had his baby because then we'd always be 'connected'.
jlola Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 ViresSanctity Established Member Join Date: Jun 2012 Posts: 161 I want to oust my MW to her H. Not for revenge but to end this affair and be out and about with her without thinking it's a crime every minute. I'm holding back on her word that her husband is suicida and she wants to do a proper divorce without feelings of resentment and hurt between any parties. VS, You wrote this just last week. So you and she think her husband may be suicidal....and she wants to do a proper divorce in order not to cause feelings of resentment and hurt between the parties. Then you both decide t may be a good idea to get her pregnant and have your baby, so she can then get kicked out! This twisted logic is what so many affairs are about. Crazy thinking. Do you not think it would be much more humiliating for BS to have everyone know his wife is pregnant by another. The amount of anger and resentment that will bring,knows no bounds. On top of that,the man is suicidal. Can you not see how people in affairs become so incredibly selfish and entitled,common sense goes out the window? This is the very reason the courts look at the excuse of "temporary insanity" and at times even allow it as a defense. Many people can actually go temporarily insane and ballistic with the situation you and your MOW want to create. Especially if he already has a chemical imbalance and is suicidal. Why do so many people think cheating,disrespect,lying and making a fool of someone is kinder than just asking for a divorce? One moment they try to act like martyrs, but then the real them comes through with such thoughts as this. She is doing noone a favor by staying with him. And in the long run, if she did get pregnant by you and was kicked out. she would bring humiliation to self,her family and would leave a horrible legacy for the child. Also, you would never truly be welcome in her family. But she has such morals and respect,she cannot ask for a divorce. This is a very immature woman you have. She will not make a good wife to anyone. But in the affair and love chemicals abound, you will not see that for a long time.As someone said. She is incredibly selfish and her lack of empathy.....astounding!!!!
georgia girl Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 VS, Now you've done it. I'm a woman and I'm on here all of the time posting to women to be strong, demand more and value themselves. I am the ultimate feminist and defender of all things woman. And you've gotten me to say this: this chick is nuts. Not just nuts, but a real whack job. She's also highly, highly manipulative and very destructive for you. You sound so crazy young. Go find your mom, an aunt, an older lady friend and run this woman's behavior by one of them. Find someone whose opinion you absolutely trust and have them react to what you've told us. You need to go no contact now. Certainly don't ever risk a pregnancy again and get some serious help. This is not normal. Finally, please don't ever conceive a child in some sort of emotional/sexual fantasy. Children are a lifetime commitment. They are real people. This is insane. 5
Author ViresSanctity Posted May 12, 2013 Author Posted May 12, 2013 (edited) There's a lot of posts here to go through but I just wanted to clear up a few things. The idea of having the baby was NOT to force anything. Not to force her to get kicked out of the house nor get divorced. Please stop with this. It was not what I meant. We have talked about having a child before any of this had happened. What it says is that she's already ready to leave that house before the baby is apparent to anyone. She and I have been making preparations since January and we're shooting for September. What it means is that she supposedly has no fear about the baby because she will be out of the house by September or sooner. Despite how bad that post sounds on a forum, she is a very intelligent woman. Smart people are easier to predict than illogical ones. What I meant is that if she doesn't, then the consequences are that she will be kicked out, humiliated, etc. which doesn't seem rational in the context of this situation. Can it be that she's already knocked up by him? Sure, (besides seeing her period every month) but if she wanted his child she could have had it 6 years ago and not wait until now that he's on his way to hit mid 40's. Yeah, it's deceptive and full of lies/bs. I'm neither denying it nor encouraging it. But think for a second. What IS a affair then and what do most of you THINK you are doing here (refering to OW/OM + MM/MW)? How dare some of you judge me and round out to applaud one another. I've read many of your posts without judgment and fill in with support wherever I can. You do not know what type of love I am capable with a child, whether I have to fight for that child; and/or raise that child alone or not. Don't assume that because a child isn't raised under perfect circumstances that it's going to grow up unhappy and screwed in the head. Edited May 12, 2013 by ViresSanctity
Sarabi Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 Don't assume that because a child isn't raised under perfect circumstances that it's going to grow up unhappy and screwed in the head. Well...this is true. Likewise, those growing up in perceived "perfect" circumstances do not necessarily grow up happy either... I am not sure I understand fully; you both decided long before now(january as you say) that you would like a child together and she has decided she would like to leave by september, pregnant or not? We are not judging you, we are worried about you As you said yourself, the way the situation was presented it looked very confused and spur of the moment but as you have just said, you've been planning for a while. Only you know what you want and how you can handle it. At whatever point in life you are blessed with children, I'm sure you'd be a wonderful father Please take care of yourself though...ok? 1
Author ViresSanctity Posted May 12, 2013 Author Posted May 12, 2013 Well...this is true. Likewise, those growing up in perceived "perfect" circumstances do not necessarily grow up happy either... I am not sure I understand fully; you both decided long before now(january as you say) that you would like a child together and she has decided she would like to leave by september, pregnant or not? We are not judging you, we are worried about you As you said yourself, the way the situation was presented it looked very confused and spur of the moment but as you have just said, you've been planning for a while. Only you know what you want and how you can handle it. At whatever point in life you are blessed with children, I'm sure you'd be a wonderful father Please take care of yourself though...ok? Sarabi, I know what concern sounds like and this isn't addressed to anyone of that . I was away from this place for a bit and came back to read after I got a PM alert that there are people calling me crazy. I'm not in the mood to deal with hypocrisy so I just made a general reply.
spice4life Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 There's a lot of posts here to go through but I just wanted to clear up a few things. The idea of having the baby was NOT to force anything. Not to force her to get kicked out of the house nor get divorced. Please stop with this. It was not what I meant. We have talked about having a child before any of this had happened. What it says is that she's already ready to leave that house before the baby is apparent to anyone. She and I have been making preparations since January and we're shooting for September. What it means is that she supposedly has no fear about the baby because she will be out of the house by September or sooner. Despite how bad that post sounds on a forum, she is a very intelligent woman. Smart people are easier to predict than illogical ones. What I meant is that if she doesn't, then the consequences are that she will be kicked out, humiliated, etc. which doesn't seem rational in the context of this situation. Can it be that she's already knocked up by him? Sure, (besides seeing her period every month) but if she wanted his child she could have had it 6 years ago and not wait until now that he's on his way to hit mid 40's. Yeah, it's deceptive and full of lies/bs. I'm neither denying it nor encouraging it. But think for a second. What IS a affair then and what do most of you THINK you are doing here (refering to OW/OM + MM/MW)? How dare some of you judge me and round out to applaud one another. I've read many of your posts without judgment and fill in with support wherever I can. You do not know what type of love I am capable with a child, whether I have to fight for that child; and/or raise that child alone or not. Don't assume that because a child isn't raised under perfect circumstances that it's going to grow up unhappy and screwed in the head. Hey, I was not judging you at all. I was just shocked to see how many MMs/MWs bring up having their APs baby lately. That was a new one to me and I thought I had read it all when it came to affairs. I will say this though...life is so much easier when you "plan" for a baby. The reason being is that stress can impact a pregnancy and the baby. The first three months are very critical to the child's development and stress can have an impact. Stress can also cause the mothr to miscarry during the fist trimester. Leaving a marriage is stressful and not really a good time to be pregnant too. It's something to think about at least.
BrokenPrincess Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 (edited) Ok so close to climax she tells me, "I want you to come inside me." We've already been having unprotected sex for 5-6 months now and I've been tested negative on all counts. I just pull out on her whenever I'm about to orgasm and so far it's prevented any babies. I figured she's just been on the pill since we've stopped using condoms. But she tells me she hasn't been on them the entire time knowing me. I figured she's nuts. She tells me she's been wanting children and was waiting for us to get move out together before that happens. We both have no kids. Yeah we've been talking about it for awhile though just not expecting it while she's still with her H. Now she wants to move it ahead. By carrying my baby she says she wants to prove to me that I'm the only person she loves and that she's been faithful to me this whole time. I don't judge you for having an A but purposely trying to get her pregnant while she's married and living with her in laws really seems insane to me. You even said you thought she was "nuts" for going off bc during your affair. Why do you want to do that? Does a part of you think that will make her "yours" forever? Also your own words above -- her romantic notion that this will prove she's been faithful to you all along?! Going through a pregnancy, giving birth, handling those stressful first months figuring out what to do with a newborn on zero sleep--the reality of that is a strain on even the most solid relationships. Again, I would dig deep & ask yourself what is your rush to get her pregnant? If she does leave her H, don't you think it would be better to give yourselves a chance to enjoy each other out in the open first? Edited May 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
whichwayisup Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 They have no kids. You two are making plans to have a baby together. What is really stopping her from just telling her husband, I want a divorce. I'm in love with someone else, I'm sorry that I'm hurting you, but we have to move on and get this divorce done asap. Think about it. WHY hasn't she told her husband anything yet? This is something for you think about. Notice from what you've said, she is still "living life" with her husband, and her doing absolutely nothing to change things (her non actions and actions) are confusing too. She says one thing and does another, all the time! I hope my posts didn't upset you or make it seem like I was judging you. If they did, it wasn't my intention. 2
Sarah92 Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 We went on our weekly date yesterday where she pretends to go to work and skips off with me in secret. I was exasperate with her from the get-go. She made up a multitude of complex plans to get away with me so she wouldn't be caught. Whereas I would just do one step if I was the WS. Not sure if this is just a woman's way of thinking or she's just had years of private ops experience. I didn't care, I just went with the locomotion that day until we got to the hotel. I told her while we were cuddling in bed I had something to tell. I told her that I had sex with someone last week that wasn't her. She went silent for a bit then broke down in tears. She asked me for information on who this girl was and I told her it didn't matter. I just told her that as long as she's still married, this is the reality of things. She made me promise to never utter the words of breaking up again, but I seriously expected her to break that promise and do it another round. She pushed me off and rolled over to her side of the bed, bawling. Ok so after laying there and waiting for her to give me an answer, she rolls over to my arms and I get horny. I also felt really sad and hurt to see her like that. I didn't want to break the news but I had to. But I was also horny. I did my thing until she gave in and next thing you know we're having another affair moment. Ok so close to climax she tells me, "I want you to come inside me." We've already been having unprotected sex for 5-6 months now and I've been tested negative on all counts. I just pull out on her whenever I'm about to orgasm and so far it's prevented any babies. I figured she's just been on the pill since we've stopped using condoms. But she tells me she hasn't been on them the entire time knowing me. I figured she's nuts. She tells me she's been wanting children and was waiting for us to get move out together before that happens. We both have no kids. Yeah we've been talking about it for awhile though just not expecting it while she's still with her H. Now she wants to move it ahead. By carrying my baby she says she wants to prove to me that I'm the only person she loves and that she's been faithful to me this whole time. Anyway I shot inside her. I've been wanting to impregnate her for a long time and I think I've just fallen in love with her all over again after that inside orgasm. I would really love to raise that kid and I'm happy just thinking about it. If she's true to what she says, she'll get kicked out of the house unless she makes a run for it once the baby is noticeable by her house. She doesn't just live with her husband, but his side of the family too. One word. Crazy. Imagine the bunch of crap you have to deal with if she really got pregnant. If she loved you so badly, divorce.
thefooloftheyear Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 (edited) I don't judge you for having an A but purposely trying to get her pregnant while she's married and living with her in laws really seems insane to me. You even said you thought she was "nuts" for going off bc during your affair. Why do you want to do that? Does a part of you think that will make her "yours" forever? Also your own words above -- her romantic notion that this will prove she's been faithful to you all along?! Going through a pregnancy, giving birth, handling those stressful first months figuring out what to do with a newborn on zero sleep--the reality of that is a strain on even the most solid relationships. Again, I would dig deep & ask yourself what is your rush to get her pregnant? If she does leave her H, don't you think it would be better to give yourselves a chance to enjoy each other out in the open first? This^^^ Here are the facts. -Trying to make a conventional relationship from an affair based one is immensely difficult. -Getting a divorce is immensely difficult.. -Having a child is immensely difficult.(easily more difficult then the previous two items.)... No child needs this kind of start to a life. The decision to bring a child into this crazy world should only be made when things are as completely calm, stable and healthy as humanly possible. Your life as you know it will NEVER be the same...Its as serious a situation as there could ever be. Think about it, really... TFY Edited May 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
veryhappy Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Great plan. What happens to it if she gets pregnant and gets morning sickness? She won't be able to hide the pregnancy as she thinks. If you're talking baby, better make sure she's in your bed every night before concieving. If you two have a child and she doesn't do something to be with you, you'll see that child minimally for years. You'll have no overnights until he's old enough, and then every other weekend? I doubt that's what you want. If she wants to leave she can leave tomorrow, file and be with you.
Lillyfree Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 There's a lot of posts here to go through but I just wanted to clear up a few things. The idea of having the baby was NOT to force anything. Not to force her to get kicked out of the house nor get divorced. Please stop with this. It was not what I meant. We have talked about having a child before any of this had happened. What it says is that she's already ready to leave that house before the baby is apparent to anyone. She and I have been making preparations since January and we're shooting for September. What it means is that she supposedly has no fear about the baby because she will be out of the house by September or sooner. Despite how bad that post sounds on a forum, she is a very intelligent woman. Smart people are easier to predict than illogical ones. What I meant is that if she doesn't, then the consequences are that she will be kicked out, humiliated, etc. which doesn't seem rational in the context of this situation. Can it be that she's already knocked up by him? Sure, (besides seeing her period every month) but if she wanted his child she could have had it 6 years ago and not wait until now that he's on his way to hit mid 40's. Yeah, it's deceptive and full of lies/bs. I'm neither denying it nor encouraging it. But think for a second. What IS a affair then and what do most of you THINK you are doing here (refering to OW/OM + MM/MW)? How dare some of you judge me and round out to applaud one another. I've read many of your posts without judgment and fill in with support wherever I can. You do not know what type of love I am capable with a child, whether I have to fight for that child; and/or raise that child alone or not. Don't assume that because a child isn't raised under perfect circumstances that it's going to grow up unhappy and screwed in the head. i'm sorry that you felt like you were being attacked, VS. i doubt that was anyone's intention and it certainly wasn't mine. no one questions your ability to be a good parent. what's being questioned by myself and others is MW's motives to fall pregnant with you before she's sorted some of her mess out. i still believe it's an impulsive reaction to you reclaiming some power, and that she needs to sort her life out before bringing another into the world. and no, it's not 100% given that a child raised under perfect circumstances isn't going to have issues. but why not try and and give your child that chance?
emva07 Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Has either of you stopped to think what the H will do when he finds out??? It's not as simple as him kicking her out. So much crazy sh*** you her in the news. "man kills wife when he finds out she was pregnant with another man's kid then kills himself" "man kills wife, lover and himself after finding out" Or he may just go the other rout and NEVER giver her a divorce out of shear punishment....then who suffers the consquences of being treated like crap by the stepdad? the kid! He could make her life, the kids life, and maybe even your life a living hell. It's not as easy as you make it sounds, he finds out, he throws her out. nope.
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