ShanksterUnicorn Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Hi everyone, my name is Nikki and my story is a little strange. I have been married to my husband for almost a year. Three or so years ago we were living in a new city and I was very lonely. No friends, no job (we were there for my fiance's job). I started talking to local people through a gaming forum and we agreed to meet up. I got along super well with everyone but one guy in particular I got along with very well. I was raised by a single father in a house of all boys, so I've always gotten along with men and had male friends. This guy was married with 4 kids. I thought he was "safe" to not misinterpret our relationship. We all talked on AIM and met up occassionally. Eventually he told me his company had an opening; everyone had been helping with my job hunt so I went for it and got the job. Our friendship flourished. We chatted about all sorts of stuff, went to lunches, carpooled, hung out with friends (sometimes hung out with my fiance at our place). I made candy for one of his kid's birthday party, I sent them Christmas cards. Sometimes he'd go see bad chick flicks with me that my guy couldn't stomach. When we IM'd it was usually about funny stuff we found online. This entire time my fiance now husband knew everything, had access to all of our conversations, etc. He was super happy I had made such a good friend. We eventually asked him to do a reading at our wedding, because I wanted to include him. He said yes, and I was over the moon. I saw him as a brother. I was happy. Getting married, had a job I liked, and a solid group of friends, including him. It didn't last. One day he came to work, acting strange. He said something was wrong at home, no lunch that day. He then ignored me. I gave him his space and two weeks later the truth emerged. He was cheating on his wife and sleeping with prostitutes. She didn't know that I existed. He said he hid me from her because she's a jealous person and "wouldn't have understood." I wanted to save our friendship. I was sad and felt betrayed. He had taken our friendship and made it feel dirty. But I could forgive it. I spoke with her via IM quite a few times, trying to help her make a timeline of his behavior. Then she became hostile to me. She tried to "trap" me while talking and I got very emotional and upset- I love my husband, I had no feelings like that for hers. I felt like I'd been sucker punched. She sent me a no contact request, and I happily obliged. I posted online about how betrayed and hurt I was over the whole thing. I was confused if he was having an EA with me, confused and blaming myself for "leading him on", and so on. He sent me an email apologizing. I ignored the email. His wife proceeded to go onto the forum we'd met on and basically completely slander me as a homewrecker. Wounded and backed into a corner, I lashed out and unleashed whatever cruelty I could to make her leave me alone. In hindsight I regret it, I get she was wounded. I do still think it was totally unfair and unjustified. I had invited her and her husband to dinner with me and my husband for pete's sake, to show how transparent things were on my end. We moved away and I cut this part of my life out like a cancerous tumor. Today I got an anonymous email from someone with a link to a post his wife made on a forum for infidelity. There I found out: He has hacked two of my email accounts He wanted to have sex with me all along That he's obsessed with me but doesn't want to be She blames me for her not setting boundaries as he'll just "run to me" Other betrayed wives insist that he can't be obsessing over me unless we slept together or had sexual contact (no, never, and I never felt any attraction) and that she's not going to get peace unless she "exposes" me to my "community" (work, etc). At this point I'm freaked out. I've screenshotted and documented everything and just finished making a police report. I am trying to become a grief counselor and his cyberstalking and hacking of me jeopardizes that. Her and her cronies egging her on to harass me has me feeling physically ill as I am scared now that she may try to sabotage my life or physically hurt me. They both seem obsessed to be honest. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow over all of this crazy. I've kept this to my chest because I've found people don't believe you even if you are innocent. This was the first forum I found that isn't basically "screw you OW you homewrecking jezebels". It feels like a huge relief to talk about this. I was as much a victim as she was and I am furious that she's only picked up where he left off.. right now I really am disgusted by both of them.
Goodbye Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 That is some crazy stuff. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
ThatJustHappened Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Eek!!! Does your husband know about this mess? If not, you should tell him, in case these psychos are dangerous! I'm glad you filed the police report. I'm so sorry this is happening to you!
spice4life Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Wow, crazy stuff! I would have an attorney send a letter warning her to stop or you will sue. She cannot ruin your life since you did nothing wrong. She will end up looking like the crazy one.
whichwayisup Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 I find it odd that he did not invite (or was the invitation to your wedding excluding her) his wife as his 'extra' aka guest for your wedding. I think the two of you unintentionally got too close. You are/were emotionally attached to him, but with no intention of it going anywhere, no flirting and no sexual chats/ tension so it seems.. Yet he on a whole other level probably had 'it' going in his head for a long time. Sucks that he's ruined his marriage and also the friendship. The guy is broken. His wife, well, sadly she's in denial and he's probably lied to her so much more than you realize.. It's easier for her to blame you for it all. Sorry this is happening to you. Tell your H everything and protect yourself. In fact, I'd go to your local cop station and show them what you have, be one step ahead of his wife and him. He's crazy. 1
Author ShanksterUnicorn Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 Eek!!! Does your husband know about this mess? If not, you should tell him, in case these psychos are dangerous! I'm glad you filed the police report. I'm so sorry this is happening to you! Yeah, he insisted I file a police report. He is as shocked as I am that they are both being such obsessive weirdos over me, mostly he's worried they will interfere at my work. I'll be speaking with my manager about it tomorrow. 2
Author ShanksterUnicorn Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 I find it odd that he did not invite (or was the invitation to your wedding excluding her) his wife as his 'extra' aka guest for your wedding. I think the two of you unintentionally got too close. You are/were emotionally attached to him, but with no intention of it going anywhere, no flirting and no sexual chats/ tension so it seems.. Yet he on a whole other level probably had 'it' going in his head for a long time. Sucks that he's ruined his marriage and also the friendship. The guy is broken. His wife, well, sadly she's in denial and he's probably lied to her so much more than you realize.. It's easier for her to blame you for it all. Sorry this is happening to you. Tell your H everything and protect yourself. In fact, I'd go to your local cop station and show them what you have, be one step ahead of his wife and him. He's crazy. I was going to invite him and her (both names on invite). I was even going to let them decide if they wanted their kids to go. I didn't cross lines or get "too close". The nature of my friendship was just like with my two other best friends. I refuse to feel guilt or shame over this. I do think he definitely got too close though and at some point or even from the beginning had bad intentions. I agree it's seriously screwy and absolutely a EA on his end that he snuck around. I think his wife is using me as a lightning rod because there's no complicit OW for her to demonize since his sexual infidelities was with prostitutes. I'm sorry he's such a liar but she really has no right to drag me into their circus of a marriage. IMO if she can't move on without obsessing 2 years later then she's as mentally unstable as him. I pity their kids a lot.
Author ShanksterUnicorn Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 This is not a EA or a WS/BS scenerio. This is psycho. This makes me feel really good to hear/read. I've agonized hours that I'm responsible for their broken home and worry that I somehow led him on or was inappropriate. Reading what she wrote about me being morally bankrupt and stuff just triggered all sorts of awful feelings for me. I think my husband wants to drive across the state and punch my ex friend in his face, lol
meat department Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 You have done nothing to be a "homewrecker". You weren't having any sort of affair! I would not let the crazy wife bring you down. These two people sound crazy. It has to be a scary situation.
spice4life Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Yeah, he insisted I file a police report. He is as shocked as I am that they are both being such obsessive weirdos over me, mostly he's worried they will interfere at my work. I'll be speaking with my manager about it tomorrow. Good for you! Definitely beat them to the punch and protect yourself. Sorry you are going through this!
Praying4Peace Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Please document everything. Change all your email accounts. There's a cause of action called Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress and she could also be sued for libel (defamation in writing) if what she wrote was not true. If it affects your job or status as a professional the damages can be pretty high. She probably doesn't believe you two weren't having an A since he's been a total liar to her. Can you talk to her or is it too weird/uncomfortable? Have a lawyer send a letter mentioning those two causes of action and have her delete what she wrote online. 1
Author ShanksterUnicorn Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 Please document everything. Change all your email accounts. There's a cause of action called Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress and she could also be sued for libel (defamation in writing) if what she wrote was not true. If it affects your job or status as a professional the damages can be pretty high. She probably doesn't believe you two weren't having an A since he's been a total liar to her. Can you talk to her or is it too weird/uncomfortable? Have a lawyer send a letter mentioning those two causes of action and have her delete what she wrote online. I don't want to talk with her or escalate the situation. I did my best for her to be able to speak with or meet my husband (without me) to verify her timeline but she ultimately, I think, needs to believe I wanted this, in some weird way. I don't care if she needs to vent or even hate me, but the whole "expose them" thing and her husband being obsessed with me is definitely crossing a line from "needs this to heal" to "making this a dangerous and illegal situation". I wish there was a mind reading device so she could scan my brain and see how not sexually attracted I am to him. I'm unsure about pursuing a lawyer. If we did we'd need to go through my husband's work (due to what he does and the whole hacking my email thing) and that would be an absolute nightmare. The police said not to contact and to document everything.
Lillyfree Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 there's a possibility he's the sole person behind all this - why would anyone send you a link to the infidelity forum? he could be trying to get you to contact him. it's a shi*t tonne of crazy in any case. 2
Author ShanksterUnicorn Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 there's a possibility he's the sole person behind all this - why would anyone send you a link to the infidelity forum? he could be trying to get you to contact him. it's a shi*t tonne of crazy in any case. This is what my husband suspects actually
georgia girl Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Very personal stuff here, but the one thing that brought me to this forum was similar to what you posted. I had a very, very good guy friend - my business partner. I thought we were simply friends. I knew things were bad for him at home - as he said - but I also thought I was genuinely helping him to see that a lot of the problems at home were caused by him. That he really needed to reset his priorities. Ultimately, I got accused by his wife of wanting him. Nothing had been further from my mind. But, I was single at the time and felt horribly targeted. I was also absolutely mortified. I felt like I looked like a desperate single woman out chasing a happily married man. It crushed me. It somehow became my "dirty secret." I have learned over the years that I genuinely did nothing wrong. I offered the same friendship to him that I had offered to my woman friends. Even more, because we were business partners, I kept our relationship always professional. I really was not comfortable ever do anything one-on-one with him unless it involved work. I was so aware of what it meant to be a single woman in business that I just didn't go there. He misinterpreted it. I have found out that I am also not the first woman he misinterpreted friendship from and that he actually had others who were more than friends. I understand your situation. It really, really sucks. Not only does your former friend disgust you but in my case, the wife still blames me, which I find absolutely appalling! The one time her husband told me a slightly off-color joke, I told him off in spades. (My 16-year-old niece told a similar joke in front of her own very conservative Baptist parents last weekend. It WAS NOT racy.) Most of all, the reputation risk is horrific. I was sick to my stomach about it. I kept thinking, "People will believe them. I'm the single one." What I have found is that most people actually believed me. A few people have told me that they knew all along that he had feelings for me and they could tell I just didn't see it. Those people who really matter - my friends, family and business colleagues - all laughed at the suggestion that I was in any way involved. If you knew me, you'd get it. I'm really boring. This is such an invasion of who you are. It makes you feel defenseless and I am so, so sorry. My best advice is to completely cut these people out of your life. Have nothing to do with them. Their problems will ultimately surface again and people will begin to see him as the man he truly is: so desparate for validation that he seeks any port in a storm and imagines himself in love with unavailable women. Your character will shine through and people will KNOW who you are. I am so, so sorry. This is so humiliating. If you're like me, you'll also start analyzing all of your interactions. Did you give him the wrong signal? Did you cross a line inadvertently? I beat myself up over this. I felt like I had to explain this situation to other men I dated. It was awful. In the end, you do get through it. Please have faith. Stay off social media. Don't engage in the debate. When/if people ask you, let them know it's not a topic that you discuss but that you're embarrassed to find out that he had those feelings and it wasn't something you encouraged. It goes away. But it stings and it really makes you put a wall up around any other potentially vulnerable men. It was a long time before I closed my office door with a male colleague in the room. Gosh, I wish I could hug you right now. Ughhh. You don't deserve this. 5
Author ShanksterUnicorn Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 Wow georgia girl, everything you described described exactly how I have felt. It's been like a shadow looming over me, I can't imagine having to remain in contact like you did!
georgia girl Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 I actually got to keep my job - and a promotion as well as my reputation. His was damaged and he left. I was SOOOO glad and honestly, I couldn't feel sorry for him. He's the one who crossed the line. We still have contact every now and again and I treat him like I would any other acquaintence. Honestly now, he means nothing to me. I'm not even angry. And in hindsight, I realize that it wasn't the storm in my life that I thought it was at the time. He rarely if ever comes up in any conversation, but my husband will joke every once in awhile about my "other man." We've turned it into something we laugh about. You will get to that point, I promise. It just doesn't feel like it right now.
Author ShanksterUnicorn Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 Perhaps, I've missed it, but what does your husband think of this whole situation? Again, forgive me if I missed it. He thinks they're crazy and is very upset with the both of them. If he didn't have my safety to worry about he'd have called HR at my old job and told them what these 2 have dragged me into. As it stands he was with me when I went to the police.
ComingInHot Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 shanksterunicorn, I believe you. I can't conceive any person could make this crap up... I'm so sorry you're having to deal w/all this crazy. If you don't mind, I'm going to try to look at this from a BW perspective, kind of put myself in this crazy W's shoes. So, she is in fact a BW. He DID cheat on her w/prostitutes (yuck by the way). Mm got "busted" somehow and your name is probably the only name she found when searching through his avenues of communication ie; phone logs, I M's emails etc... So You became the "one" participant the OW in her mind as she new nothing about your friendship to begin with. Unfair to you? Yes. But from the closeness of your hidden friendship, I can see where she'd get this idea then not let it go. The friendship her H hid from her is or may be just as much of a betrayal. And somewhere, she Knows he wanted more from you & that kills her too. I completely get how sometimes it is so much easier to be friends w/guys. (At least when I was single then newly M. There doesn't seem to be this "vying for position" like there is w/a group of girlfriends. And honestly, as we get older, making female friends seems to become more difficult. The problem I can see now that I've been M a while now, is that having friends of the opposite sex can cause a-lot of unwarranted and unnecessary difficulties. This is Not your fault! This man should have never kept your friendship a secret, lied to his W and cheated on her. He's a jackhole for putting you in this situation. Friends don't do that! You are doing all the right things. Hopefully Mr. & Mrs. Crazy will address their issues and move on w/their lives, leaving You alone. All my gets, CIH*
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