J_L_C Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 For those of you who know my story (check out 'Sherlock Holmes' thread), know I've been through hell and back with my break up. Admittedly, the hell has largely been at my own hands because I simply refused to go NC. Anyway, it's been 9 months since we broke up. I no longer hold any hopes of reconciliation. In fact, friendship is now off the table and we don't speak at all whatsoever. This has been really hard because I'm wondering so many things: "is he with a new girl?"; "what's going on in his life these days?", etc. NC has been really hard in terms of where it's led my thinking and ruminating to. I've been on casual dates here and there, even slept with someone but here is my problem. After 9 months I should be much farther along than this. He was terrible to me thru the break up but amazing while we were together...and because of the way he made me feel, the similar indiosyncracies we shared, similar interests, etc., I believe no one will ever be a better match for me than he was. The dates I've gone on just upset me. I just don't feel a thing for any of them. If I had never dated my ex, some of these guys COULD have been potentials but I just can't seem to FEEL. I hate the bar/pick up scene, tired of online dating and feel just general apathy towards the whole dating scene. My whole life I've hoped to find that special person to share my life with and now I just don't think it's in the cards for me. I can't FORCE myself to feel something and it scares me that I don't. Does anyone else feel this way or understand where I'm coming from with these feelings?
BustedUpInside Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Of course other people feel like this. You definitely aren't strange or alone in feeling like you will never want somebody else like you wanted your ex. You are still healing after a very lengthy and awful break up. It doesn't really matter who's "fault" it is because you have to start from scratch now. No contact and moving on. You can't use a new person to get over a past relationship. You have to heal from the past first, and then start dating someone new. Otherwise, you will always be comparing the new person and they might not ever meet up to the pedestal you have put your ex on. Just give yourself some time and space away from the ex, and then you can see if you really are over him and then it will be time to meet and date new people. You will know when you are ready
Author J_L_C Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 Is it 'normal' to feel this way after 9 months tho?
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Is it 'normal' to feel this way after 9 months tho? Just curious, how old are you??
BustedUpInside Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 It takes different amounts of time for different people. Some people are fine after a few weeks and some people need a couple of years to fully recover from a break up. I don't even think it really has to do with the length of the relationship before the break up. It just depends on the individual's coping skills. For you, personally, I think it is taking longer for you to heal because you maintained open communication lines with your ex and never really gave up hope that you two would eventually get back together. That really hinders getting over the break up because you aren't dealing with the reality that your relationship is actually over. So, for you, it is as-if the break up happened a very short time ago. Nine months may seem like a long time to some people, but to me, I think that you should probably focus on getting over things, but there is no need to rush. You are doing just fine!
na49 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I believe no one will ever be a better match for me than he was. You believe that someone who treated you the way he did after he broke up with you was the best possible match you could find? I don't believe in "the one", it's bullsh*t. There's too many people on this earth for us to only be able to fall in love with one and have only one fall in love with us. Your problem is you don't want anyone else. You want him. I'm sure if you tried to open up more to these guys you were going out with, you'd have better luck but the thing is no one will want to be with you if you're still pining for your ex who isn't very nice by the way. I don't care what his friends say about him. or his family. You're looking for a relationship to solve all of your problems. Relationships don't do that for people, and the people who enter relationships to fill voids have terrible ends because they expect their life to be made better automatically. My ex came back and we've been back together for a month now. My life hasn't magically gotten better. I'm still working on myself because I know that I'm my own problem and it's not her job to fix everything about me. On the contrary, it's not my job to fix her either. She's got stress in her life and I go through it with her, but I don't do her work for her. Counseling. Have you gone yet?
Simon Phoenix Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Is it 'normal' to feel this way after 9 months tho? Considering you spent over 7 months in a delusional funk of self-hatred and pity, the nine months doesn't matter. As far as actually recovering, you are only 6 weeks or so into it because you took so long in actually detaching from your guy. So get the nine months thing out of your head -- it's not accurate. I don't think you are in the place to date. I think you should continue to work on you and only you. Hang out with friends, take up hobbies, go through the early stages of NC/moving forward. Don't worry about other men right now -- you aren't in the state to give them a real chance. 2
Author J_L_C Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 Just curious, how old are you?? I'm 32 and the ex is 33 years if age.
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I'm 32 and the ex is 33 years if age. Oh, OK. Well, I still think you are hardly 'done' with love. As everyone else is stating, just take a break and try and focus on yourself. It is the most important thing you can do at this point. Other suitors will come. You ladies have it made in that respect Just sit back and take your pic...
mbee Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Be strong and give it some time. I felt that way once, and kept holding on to this guy from my past. I finally let go of him. A year later I met my ex, and I could start fresh. Even then I was comparing my ex to that new guy but the connection was so strong that after a couple of weeks it didn't matter. Remember, finding someone new takes a ton of time. My ex and I met online, and it took a year after that prior ex to find someone who was compatible. At the same time I was in such a rocky place with my emotions for the old guy. Don't be in a rush. Someone will come along and you have to be prepared for somebody different than what you found with your ex. I think that's the toughest part. We want someone like our ex, but sometimes the right person for you, isn't anything like your ex. Your relationship will be completely different and have new strengths. Also, you are clearly hung up on your ex still and the constant communication likely made things worse. My ex and I just talked (broke NC gah) a few hours ago. And he said something I firmly believe in. He said we couldn't get back together until we were different. He has a problem with lying and manipulation. He can't be honest with me or any woman. He can admit that he can be so honest with me about so many things, but has such a hard time talking about his issues. You can fantasize about your ex as much as you want but you both have issues you need to work out. A relationship WILL NEVER work until you both change and grow. You can only grow and change by not talking to him and forcing yourself to move on. If your ex is right for you (and I don't think you should focus on that) then things tend to work themselves out, but in the meantime, now is the time to really work on yourself. Dating can be fun so take this time to date and have a good time. You'll be okay. It takes time. There will be someone new but unfortunately it's hard to find someone new.
Author J_L_C Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 I just worry ill never be able to find that Interest again
crederer Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 Everything you're thinking is normal. The other day I told my mom that I think I'm done with the whole love thing cause I keep getting burned. I'm 25. I realize that is ridiculous but I actually felt it at the time I said it.
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