nowuknow Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Why I'm posting: I've tossed all of the ideas around about why I want to tell, should or shouldn't tell, etc. Please stick to the matter at hand when you respond. I have a therapist, know what my issues with this relationship are and haven't told you a lot of the story. I'm just trying to stick to the basic issue of to tell or not to tell. The reason has always been the same. A friend that was cheated on suggested I tell cause she wished someone had told her. I've never even been close to doing it, until now, after a long 8 year affair. Here's the hook: I want to tell her because she is still young enough to get out of it and have a chance at a relationship with someone else. She's only 35. He's 45, I'm 43. Their children, twins are only 3, he's got enough money so she and the kids will be fine and well taken care of. Yes, I know, break it off. You need to hear the rest, I think. If I could break it off, I would wouldn't I. I'm sure I'm not the only one he's cheated with (just the one he's cheated with the longest) and he's just going to keep on keeping on. He's been a cheater for their entire relationship and will always be a cheater. I'm thinking that the longer she stays in the marriage, the more she will have invested and the less likely she will be to leave when she does find out, because she of course will. Relevant Deets: So basically he was having sex with me prior to starting a relationship with his now wife of 5 years, throughout their courtship, engagement, marriage and birth of their twins. This sexual relationship, not even friends with benefits anymore because we aren't really friends anymore, has been going on since 2004. Why not even FWB anymore? Who has time for single friends when you have a wife, 3 year old twins, and a job that you work at from sun up to sun down and a second job that you have to work on the down low during odd hours? I've known that he's been married since 2009. Used to Google him every time we would start seeing each other again just to check for anything unusual. Never anything. So after a 9 month break, I found their wedding registry. I just got fired and found out my current BF cheated on me (long story I'm not getting into). I was numb. I didn't call him, go crazy, cry. I didn't do anything until I saw him about a week later. After that, I had no delusions that he would eventually come around and be with me or that he would ever leave her for me. I don't want him anyway, he's a cheater. He'd cheat on me too. I'm not plotting revenge because he didn't choose me or because he lied the entire time. I knew what I was getting into from the get go. He said he didn't want to get married right? I didn't know he meant married to me. I'm not a fool, I always felt like something was off but chalked it up to our individual personal issues. He could have told me at any time that he was seeing someone, engaged, getting married, etc., not sure why he didn't since that was our agreement all along, that if and when either of us got serious with someone else we would let the other person know. He just agreed to keep me quiet really, he could have cared less if I was in a relationship , having sex with someone, whatever. Even when I confronted him wit the wedding registry that I printed out. He continued to lie about it. Typical right? What did I do, nothing. I was too screwed up from all of the other stuff in my life at the time and really couldn't handle acknowledging it. He made it easy for me to continue to believe that he was still single. Backstory: Originally a friend with benefits, I was attached, he was lying, I didn't care because I didn't want a relationship with him at that very moment. I just got out of one so the FWB thing was ok at the time. I of course wanted more eventually. I was trying to be cool girl, he said he didn't want to get married was too busy making money and working, so I didn't push like I would have in the past. Anyway, since we were at one time good friends, I really didn't think he had any reason to lie (except that he's a man) and because I always thought he was smarter than that. I mean he's always been very private about his life, his "other" job, his feelings, etc. even when we were much younger and not at all romantically involved. I really thought we were friends and didn't want that to get screwed up. I didn't want to wreck the friendship by trying too hard to make something that might not work out anyway. I enjoyed our weird friendship, shared past experience. We were always on again off again, 5 months of great, crazy sex, I would end it, 3 months, 4 months and we were back on. This went on for 4 years. He kept coming back and I let him. He would go when I said I couldn't handle it anymore and I hated that he would so ok, what ever you want. Then He would almost ambush me, call me at work and I would be so excited that he called, I would agree to see him and then we would be back on the roller coaster. Eventually I thought it was me and he just wasn't interested in me. I also assumed that he would break it off when he found someone. I certainly didn't think he had been dating another woman (10 years younger than he) had gotten engaged, and married and had twins without giving me some sort of heads up. Yea, he wasn't committing to me and I wasn't paying that much attention since I had given up on a LTR with him. But GEEZ, he didn't even slip up. Then again, it's not like we did a whole lot of talking after a while. At present, we see each other at least once a week for a couple of hours. It's all sex, all the time. It's all ok except every now and then I think she should be informed and then be able to make her own decision. I would have liked that, to be told "Hey, I found someone else that I want to marry but I still want to have sex with you. What do you think about that? Then I could have made an informed decision about being in a relationship with a married man. But No, I was in one and didn't even know it. I was already attached, didn't pursue a MM, clearly wasn't a man stealer and a home wrecker. She met him this way so she must not be neglected. BTW I'm not stupid and I've got access to a lot of information that other people don't have access to so I easily could have checked it out had I been suspicious. How did he fool her too? She's young, he a good liar. I always wonder why he trusts me not to tell her now that I know. I can see why he kept it a secret before because he probably figured I would flip out and get all psycho and show up at his house pregnant or something. Nope, never even thought about doing something psycho. I might be in a relationship with a married man but I'm not totally crazy. I have to keep some semblance of order in my life in order to continue to justify things right? : ) Long enough for you........
ThatJustHappened Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Apologies if I missed something but..why is it impossible for you to break it off? 1
whichwayisup Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I want to tell her because she is still young enough to get out of it and have a chance at a relationship with someone else. She's only 35. He's 45, I'm 43. Their children, twins are only 3, he's got enough money so she and the kids will be fine and well taken care of. This isn't up to you to decide that their kids "will be fine" and "she will be fine". You want to tell her so she'll hand him over to you, so it seems. Maybe SHE will still love him and want to give him a second chance, not want to divorce. If you tell, be prepared to own your part in the A and do not put ALL the blame on him. Be honest and up front with your intentions too - That you aren't going away and she should know that she has a fight on her hands. Don't pretend that you're caring for her best interest. Be nice, answer her questions, be respectful as you can - But do not make a fool of her. This woman has invested a hell of a lot more time in him than you have, so if you tell, there's a chance he may end it with you immediately and want nothing to do with you. 4
Praying4Peace Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 If you tell her be ready for him to possibly go NC with you. Since you stated that breaking it off is impossible for you- just be ready. I know he's been with you a long time but if its you or the marriage and she's checking like crazy he won't risk it. 1
Goodbye Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 In the case of a serial cheater...I say out him. This wasn't some mistake he regrets. He has no regard for you, the wife, or any other woman. 3
secretlady76 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I hardly think he's going to thank you for it. If the shoe was on the other foot you wouldn't exactly be shaking his hand for putting you in the crap...in conclusion be prepared to be thrown under the bus that he will make sure he's driving. And don't for one minute think that anyone will see you as doing anyone a favour. You will be seen as the destroyer of everything. Have you thought maybe that this news should come from him; her husband? Have you thought perhaps you should tell him to tell her, otherwise you will? Or are you going to do it as a kind of surprise for them both....sounds a bit odd to me. Your other option is to not say anything at all.
BetrayedH Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Frankly, I think you're right on the money when you say that she deserves to make an informed decision about how to move forward with her life. She only has one life to live and it's being wasted on this guy. This is not complicated. No mental gymnastics are required. Give her the truth (all of it, please) and let the chips fall where they may. She doesn't deserve to live like this. 1
secretlady76 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Is this the responsibility of the OW? Should really be the responsibility of the wifes husband no? 2
SunshineToday Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Is this the responsibility of the OW? Should really be the responsibility of the wifes husband no? Sure would be nice if the WS told his wife, but at this point I just want someone to tell the poor wife so she can be in control of her life and possibly health! every. single. betrayed spouse I ever met, would rather know. No matter the messanger. 1
georgia girl Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I think she has a right to know. As a wife, I'd want to know. And believe me, all h#ll would rein down on his head. But as other posters have warned you, the same will rein down on yours. What I think you should be fully aware of is that this is only POTENTIALLY a game-changer. What do I mean by that? Reading between the lines, I think you are looking for a game changer. But the reality, which I've read here is that there are four possible outcomes: 1) She knows and she's out. Your relationship survives. 2) She knows and he's out. You get thrown under the bus. 3) She knows and he's faking a reconciliation; your relationship goes more underground. From what I see here of most posters, this is a course in highs and lows that eats away at the OW until eventually they get out. 4) She knows and he's out by his choice. There's only one scenario that to me, genuinely seems unlikely and that's #4. Why? He could do that at any time. Preemptorially. If he's a real avoider, he could actually leave and let her figure it out at the end of the day. Or, if he wanted to smooth this path, he could do it in a less dramatic, calmer fashion. Getting caught is all sorts of drama. So, in reality, I think you've only got one good option out of three where your relationship survives long-term. Are you prepared for that? Good luck with whatever you decide.
ComingInHot Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 nowuknow, ya, you might as well tell her. You've got Nothing to lose on this one. *
canuckprincess Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 (edited) Sure would be nice if the WS told his wife, but at this point I just want someone to tell the poor wife so she can be in control of her life and possibly health! every. single. betrayed spouse I ever met, would rather know. No matter the messanger. I know when my ex husband cheated I wish people had of told me. Well a few people admitted knowing but didn't say a word till I caught him red handed. I know not every bs wants to know, some know and turn a blind eye to it. Edited May 8, 2013 by canuckprincess 2
BetrayedH Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Is this the responsibility of the OW? Should really be the responsibility of the wifes husband no? It's not the "responsibility" of the OW to tell the BH. She doesn't owe him anything. But she is having a crisis of conscience that brought her here. There is an ethical choice before her. She wants to know the "right" thing to do. It's either say something or walk away. That choice is fairly obvious. The challenge is that this typically involves some level of risk on her part. The OM could go batshyte; so could the BS. Weighing the ethical choice vs. the risk to herself is the real question. Is she willing to risk herself for the sake of doing the right thing by the BS and that's a highly personal decision. In my view, engaging in a risk to herself for the sake of the BS is a noble thing to do. I'd applaud her for it. As for the wayward confessing on their own, get real. 2
SweetiePie12 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 The challenge is that this typically involves some level of risk on her part. The OM could go batshyte; so could the BS. Weighing the ethical choice vs. the risk to herself is the real question. Exactly. I'm in a situation where I suspect someone has hinted to the person being cheated on: do you know about...? Did you know she...? I see her... Etc. etc. etc.. As for the wayward confessing on their own, get real. True. 1
2sure Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Nowuknow I can tell from your post that you've done some very deep thinking and self reflection on this. And you came up with the same answer I came up with after a long, hard, slightly different journey. We all Are entitled to the truth of our lives so that we can make decisions that affect the rest of our lives. You learned it. You have to tell her, just so that this whole process comes to completion. 4
SunshineToday Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 I know when my ex husband cheated I wish people had of told me. Well a few people admitted knowing but didn't say a word till I caught him red handed. I know not every bs wants to know, some know and turn a blind eye to it. But turning a blind eye means you know and chose to ignore. And if that is your choice that is fine. But this OP is saying the BS doesn't know. I honestly never met anyone who wished they never found out they were being cheated on and would have rather gone on living being lied to. How sad a choice for anyone to make. 3
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