Was she the one or am I just lonely?

[BanditK]

Hello all,

 

 

I apologize in advance for the length of this story but I am hoping that someone or a group of folks can help me make heads or tails of this. My stomach is in a knot and I just need some peace.

 

In the fall of 2009, I was recently coming off of the heartbreak of losing my first love. I randomly added a pretty girl that Facebook suggested for me and we began to talk. We were from the same area but she went to school an hour and half away. We ended up going on a first date…. Nothing really memorable but she came down. A few weeks later, I was working near her school and we met up again. It basically was a decent back and forth deal. We began to hang out more towards the end of the year and I spent new years eve with her. Not too long after, I was offered and accepted a job in North Carolina. So I moved from Oklahoma to North Carolina and we remained friendly. Eventually, we agreed to start dating but broke up a month later because I was in a new place and wasn’t up to the rigors of a relationship 1,300 miles away.

 

After a few months, we reunited by slowly beginning to talk again. We remained so until August when she drove 10 hours to meet me at a race for the week. I had the same feelings over again and wasn’t sure she was “the one.”

 

Three weeks later, a mutual friend tipped me off that the girl might have breast cancer and was undergoing scans. It ended up being negative but it brought us together once more. We began dating again in October and I moved to Indianapolis to take another job a month later. We continued on and things were ok until April when I began to feel that wondering again. She found some messages that I have exchanged with girls and was deeply hurt by them but we pressed on. In July, I met a girl at a track that instantly caught my eye. We began to chat and connected. I asked for her number online and then deleted the messages. My girlfriend found out and it led to a very ugly fight. We made up and she came to the same race in August and acted very disinterested the whole time. Many of my family, friends and co-workers noticed that I seemed more tense and uptight when she was around, at any time.

 

We fought again at the races and she revealed she had bought us a cruise for my birthday. Our next obstacle was in November when a person from my past called her out of the blue and told her that I got drunk one night and girl went down on me over a year prior. I never admitted it nor told her. I figured it was best left to never say it. We continued on again and, at Thanksgiving, she found texts where I was talking to friends about leaving her for the girl I had met and clicked with.

 

She made me sever all ties with aforementioned girl and I had to beg for my gf to keep me. We went on the cruise in December and my gf seemed to be unhappy and sick the entire time. I was frustrated and began having thoughts again. I broke up with her again in January of this year. Same things…. We were fighting and what not. She was very upset as she was close to graduating and could move closer to where I was. Normally after a break up, we’d begin talking after a few weeks. We didn’t the third time. She called me 3 weeks later to say that she was changing and realized she could’ve treated me better. She was apologizing. I did the same. At that point, I was going out on dates and enjoying myself. Someone sent me a picture of her with a new bf she had gotten and mentioned how much happier she seemed. At first, it didn’t bug me but as time wore on, it did.

 

I finally decided that none of the new girls were making me feel the way I felt with her so I wrote her a three-page apology letter and mailed it to her. In the letter, I bore my soul and held nothing back. I asked her to call me and she did. We talked for 2.5 hours and I told her I knew she was the one. She explained that, because of trust and her new relationship, she couldn’t give me a shot at the time. I said fair enough.

 

They went on a ski weekend and he broke up with her upon their return. I know this because she called me specifically and told me they did and asked for advice. We slowly began to talk more, Skyping even. I made up my mind that a grand romantic gesture was needed so I drove 1,000 miles round trip to surprise her. I rang her door bell with a dozen roses in my hand and told her that I wanted her to be my best friend forever. Throughout our relationship, she always wanted a ring and that commitment from me and I had waffled. When I said it, she froze and asked me to come inside to talk. She told me that the trust was shattered and she wasn’t sure if she still loved me. She had pervious told me numerous times she would love me forever so this was a shock. I ended up leaving there… numb as she said she needed time.

 

Our talking slowed way down and she called one day to say she had been offered a job in California. I was crushed….. but she said that it didn’t mean things were done. We talked a great deal that weekend and she even told me my chances were “probably good.” We didn’t chat much the day after and she texted me out of the blue with “I think you are an awesome friend but I just don’t think you are the one for me anymore.”

 

I asked a few questions and she answered them and then I said “I’ll just leave you alone.” A week and three days later, I texted her to ask how a game went and she didn’t give me any reply.

 

I know I took her for granted big time but I also did many sweet and kind things. My question though……. Am I missing her only because I haven’t found someone else like her or am I missing her because of her? I believe that my heart was always trying to tell my something but my brain was stubborn because she was an awesome girl. I have a knot in my stomach and wonder if I will ever find someone like her again…

 

Any one with some ideas? (Sorry again for the length.)

[GorillaTheater]

1. There's no such thing as "the one". There are those we connect with much easier and much deeper than others but still, there's plenty of them out there.

 

2. You pretty much screwed the pooch in this relationship. She doesn't trust you, you gave her plenty of reasons not to, and usually it's a better choice to move on rather than to try to rebuild that trust.

 

3. Long-distance relationships suck. A "normal" relationship typically has a lot of issues to deal with, and in an LDR you can easily multiply those issues by several orders of magnitude.

 

Learn from the relationship, and move on.

[BanditK]

I agree with all of your points. Call it "Greener Pasture Syndrome" or what have you..... for some reason, I always thought there was someone else out there that things would click better with.

 

Would you advise to never contact her again and delete her number?

[CailinPig]

I think you did plenty of unforgiveable things to this girl, you really treated her like dirt, and even though I am not one to speak (as no one is perfect), your post made me very angry.

Why would you continuously cheat, flirt with other girls and be open to the possibility of being with other girls while you were with one person? It's not behaviour to be proud of, and to be honest, I think all of that needs dealing with before you get into another relationship.

If you wanna mess around with different women then don't be in a relationship.

Sounds to me like you went out with her because she was there and available, but not because you had any feelings in your heart for her.

She is definitely not the one, my friend.

[BanditK]

I whole heartedly agree with you Cailin Pig........ I realized that I shouldn't have let it go on and that I wasn't ready when we got into the relationship. I have learned a great deal about myself since the whole ordeal occurred.

 

I needed more time to be on my own... To discover things and I am glad that she is now getting that opportunity. She deserves an extremely better man that what I could have given. Prior to her, I had never been in anything long term.

 

As I read your post, I realize that her greatest gift to me was teaching me how to love and endure. This whole deal was a wake up call to me and I am taking the appropriate actions to make myself a better man.

[GorillaTheater]

Would you advise to never contact her again and delete her number?

 

Yep, leave her alone.

 

And it bears repeating: learn from the relationship. Recognize where you f*cked up and own it (sounds like you probably have), and change how you go about things accordingly.