Cali408 Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 I would love to contact her, but the problem is, it wouldn't be an act of real love. It would just be a selfish motive to be her knight in shining armor and yes I really enjoy that role. I would love to be with her again. I don't need therapy, I am really honest with myself. I'm not leaving my wife, I'm not moving a thousand miles from my family and career. We're not perfect, there's breadcrumbs left all the time. She's more guilty than me, but I indulge. It's a regular old Hansel and Gretel episode. My wife has told me it's over if I talk to her and am I going to stick my chin out there and have the OW who is now divorced tell me to scram? Not opening Pandora's box Our marriage is great, my wife has a "friend." I'm good with it. Unorthodox yes, but that's my business.
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Your reply was OK, but no reply would have been better. As you said, silence is very powerful. Nothing says "get lost" louder than silence, ignoring him, like he no longer exists. 2
DelusionalOne Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 Goodbye, Can I ask a question.... Was there a part of you that was compelled to respond to his email, good or bad, because if you didn't you were afraid you would never hear from him again?
Author Goodbye Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 Goodbye, Can I ask a question.... Was there a part of you that was compelled to respond to his email, good or bad, because if you didn't you were afraid you would never hear from him again? Most likely.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 I would love to contact her, but the problem is, it wouldn't be an act of real love. It would just be a selfish motive to be her knight in shining armor and yes I really enjoy that role. I would love to be with her again. I don't need therapy, I am really honest with myself. I'm not leaving my wife, I'm not moving a thousand miles from my family and career. We're not perfect, there's breadcrumbs left all the time. She's more guilty than me, but I indulge. It's a regular old Hansel and Gretel episode. My wife has told me it's over if I talk to her and am I going to stick my chin out there and have the OW who is now divorced tell me to scram? Not opening Pandora's box Our marriage is great, my wife has a "friend." I'm good with it. Unorthodox yes, but that's my business. All I have to say is "wow". Your wife has a friend and yet you aren't allowed to talk to your ow? It is interesting to me why what we all will do in the varying circumstances we are in (myself included).
Author Goodbye Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 I was wondering about that as well. If a marriage is opened, shouldn't it be on both ends? Or is the wife allowed to have a "friend" to "even the score" after h's affair? Interesting.
Mount Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 Agree. We all know already words means nothing, and the world was made from action, because actions turn into results. Like i said before. The ILYs are quite real, but they are not backed by any action. So they are meaningless. Now you know he loves you.
DelusionalOne Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 Most likely. I understand. I fight it with every breadcrumb I get. 1
spice4life Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 (edited) Hi Goodbye, I know it's hard because you have just been through a major wake up call with d-day. I've never been through a d-day (that I know of anyway), but I have been through the shock of realizing mine wasn't leaving his wife a long time ago. And I've sent the emails that many of the newer OW's have sent, including some similar to what you have just sent and the only thing it did was let him know that I still cared and had hope. We went through periods of NC and each one was broken, much like your's, and each time it lead to a gradual back and forth until we were back into a full blown affair. What I'm trying to say is that if you truly TRULY want out of the affair then blocking, walking and sticking to strict NC is the ONLY way to go. Believe me when I tell you that this could go on for years if you don't adhere to NC. When you break it with emails like you've just written, it is only letting him know that you are still holding onto hope and he can reel you back in if he wants to put in the effort. Conscious or not, he has shown through his actions on d-day what his true intentions are, so now YOU have make a choice. Do you want to take care of yourself and tell him to buzz off until if and/or when he's divorced or do you want to subject yourself to the path I just described? If you choose the latter you will end up killing a piece of yourself with each round in the back and forth cycle and again, it's a process that can take years. Eventually you won't give sheet anymore, but the process is a painful one until finally get there. It's much easier to just cut it now and let yourself heal, so you don't wake up years down the road still mixed up in the muck of the affair. I'm not saying he doesn't love you, he does, but he also doesn't want to give up the comforts of what he has already established with his wife. His actions are telling you that loud and clear! You might disagree with me, but I'm only telling you this because I have BTDT. I've also seen it play out on these very boards over the past few years as well. Take from it what you want and be honest with yourself. Live your life, stick to strict NC and if he wants to be with you he will do what is necessary to make it happen. Period end! Edited May 10, 2013 by spice4life 1
Author Goodbye Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 Hi Goodbye, I know it's hard because you have just been through a major wake up call with d-day. I've never been through a d-day (that I know of anyway), but I have been through the shock of realizing mine wasn't leaving his wife a long time ago. And I've sent the emails that many of the newer OW's have sent, including some similar to what you have just sent and the only thing it did was let him know that I still cared and had hope. We went through periods of NC and each one was broken, much like your's, and each time it lead to a gradual back and forth until we were back into a full blown affair. What I'm trying to say is that if you truly TRULY want out of the affair then blocking, walking and sticking to strict NC is the ONLY way to go. Believe me when I tell you that this could go on for years if you don't adhere to NC. When you break it with emails like you've just written, it is only letting him know that you are still holding onto hope and he can reel you back in if it wants to put in the efort. Conscious or not, he has shown through his actions on d-day what his true intentions are, so now YOU have make a choice. Do you want to take care of yourself and tell him to buzz off until if and/or when he's divorced or do you want to subject yourself to the path I just described? If you choose the latter you will end up killing a piece of yourself with each round in the back and forth cycle and again, it's a process that can take years. Eventually you won't give sheet anymore, but the process is a painful one until finally get there. It's much easier to just cut it now and let yourself heal, so you don't wake up years down the road still mixed up in the muck of the affair. I'm not saying he doesn't love you, he does, but he also doesn't want to give up the comforts of what he has already established with his wife. His actions are telling you that loud and clear! You might disagree with me, but I'm only telling you this because I have BTDT. I've also seen it play out on these very boards over the past few years as well. Take from it what you want and be honest with yourself. Live your life, stick to strict NC and if he wants to be with you he will do what is necessary to make it happen. Period end! I don't disagree with you...I believe you are correct. That complete abstinence from the MM is the only way to truly get over it. I'm working up to it. You noted that I had a "D-day." I don't think there really was a D-day at all. I suspect that his wife truly has little or no clue about her husband's actions over the past year. I'm working on KNOWING I deserve better. I'm getting there. I want to shut him out of my life, once and for all, and never look back. I can't do that yet.
spice4life Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 I don't disagree with you...I believe you are correct. That complete abstinence from the MM is the only way to truly get over it. I'm working up to it. You noted that I had a "D-day." I don't think there really was a D-day at all. I suspect that his wife truly has little or no clue about her husband's actions over the past year. I'm working on KNOWING I deserve better. I'm getting there. I want to shut him out of my life, once and for all, and never look back. I can't do that yet. To the bolded, I'm sorry to hear that. (((Hugs))). If you're goal is hope that he will eventually leave then cutting him out is the only way, but I understand that you can't right now. Best wishes. I hope you don't let it linger on too long.
Praying4Peace Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 I would love to contact her, but the problem is, it wouldn't be an act of real love. It would just be a selfish motive to be her knight in shining armor and yes I really enjoy that role. I would love to be with her again. I don't need therapy, I am really honest with myself. I'm not leaving my wife, I'm not moving a thousand miles from my family and career. We're not perfect, there's breadcrumbs left all the time. She's more guilty than me, but I indulge. It's a regular old Hansel and Gretel episode. My wife has told me it's over if I talk to her and am I going to stick my chin out there and have the OW who is now divorced tell me to scram? Not opening Pandora's box Our marriage is great, my wife has a "friend." I'm good with it. Unorthodox yes, but that's my business. YOu know how it is said over and over again not leave for someone else and to leave a marriage bc you are unhappy. Its very unrealistic. For men, anyway. I've seen so many instances on these boards of an MM breaking up with the OW...and then saying 'she probably hates me so I guess I'll stay in my marriage." I had no idea men were like this. I thought a man wouldn't think twice if he was actually going to back his words up with actions. Anyways, I digress.
Cali408 Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 A man can't second guess himself? I'm not understanding your sentence. I'm not going to call her. It would be unfair to everyone. First, my wife, who took me back and you know what, as unorthodox as our arrangement may sound to you all, our marriage is better than ever. We are closer and more intimate than we have ever been. I had my fun. My OW needs to start her new life. She doesn't need for old ghosts to call. As a man, I would love to still have a relationship with her because I love her. I'm a short term band aid Finally, for myself, I will get caught or get dumped when I'm asked to choose. So I'll take option C. Be a good husband and let sleeping dogs lie. 1
Author Goodbye Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 Ugh, feel like I've relapsed today, checking my email all of the time. I'd been doing better. I seem to start to move on after a week of NC. Blech. I wish my brain had a delete button.
psm04 Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 Ugh, feel like I've relapsed today, checking my email all of the time. I'd been doing better. I seem to start to move on after a week of NC. Blech. I wish my brain had a delete button. Hi Goodbye, don't beat yourself up over checking your email. It doesn't necessarily mean that you are relapsing. Sometimes, you have to get things out of your system before feeling better. I don't know whether this helps or not, but when I was constantly checking the chat application on my phone to see if he was online, something I did was to move the icon from my home screen. It made it harder to always go and click on it, and it actually helped me to not check it so often. I don't know if you can do something similar with your email (if you are checking on your phone). Or, you can tell yourself that you will check your email X number of times today, and once the quota is reached, you will need to wait until tomorrow. Just a few suggestions. Hope you feel better :-)
Author Goodbye Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 Yes, I should stay busy, away from email. I know he won't respond. I'll be better in a few days, just now I'm all hopped up again.
Author Goodbye Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 Well, its been a week. A week of NC. I guess I am healing. I'm not crying all of the time, at least. Still have fleeting thoughts about contacting him for various stupid reasons. I think mostly I'm depressed. I sleep a lot, eat crap and walk robotically through my daily routines. I hope I bounce back.
So happy together Posted May 15, 2013 Posted May 15, 2013 Well, its been a week. A week of NC. I guess I am healing. I'm not crying all of the time, at least. Still have fleeting thoughts about contacting him for various stupid reasons. I think mostly I'm depressed. I sleep a lot, eat crap and walk robotically through my daily routines. I hope I bounce back. Goodbye, The loss of a relationship is difficult no matter what the relationship was. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. It's early yet... only a week. Hang in there. Forgive yourself for any small indiscretions, and do what you feel is best for you. Chin up.
Author Goodbye Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 Yes, well actually it has been over a month since the relationship ended. Just a week since his last email. Oh well.
Summer Breeze Posted May 16, 2013 Posted May 16, 2013 Well, its been a week. A week of NC. I guess I am healing. I'm not crying all of the time, at least. Still have fleeting thoughts about contacting him for various stupid reasons. I think mostly I'm depressed. I sleep a lot, eat crap and walk robotically through my daily routines. I hope I bounce back. You can't see it yourself but you're already bouncing back. As HAL said it takes time and even though the R ended a month ago it's almost fully reset when they make contact. You're doing good kid.
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