He Emailed

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Dear L,

 

As you deserve to know what is going on in my life, I wanted to give you an update. Hopefully this email isn't unwelcome. It it is, let me know.

 

I met with Dr. H yesterday. We were supposed to meet for an hour, but he stretched it to an hour and a half. At the end of the session, he told me that whether or not I think he's the therapist for me, he strongly recommends that I talk to someone. The impression I got from him was that he thinks I am pretty messed up.

 

You should know that I think about you constantly, I miss you all of the time and that my feelings haven't changed one iota. As painful as not talking with you every day is, however, I do think that the act of having to stand on my own two feet without relying on someone else has been helpful. It is my greatest hope that you are doing better as well.

 

I'd like to know how you're doing, what the status is of your court cases, if there's anything new in your life etc. It's certainly understandable if you don't wish to share anything with me, or even hear from me. However, I would be remiss if I didn't tell you I love you, very much.

 

Love,

P

 

He seems like a cake eater. He likes the feeling of having two women wanting him. Or maybe he wants you as a backup plan in case things don't work out with his wife, and vice versa.

 

How, or if, you respond is up to you. He certainly will be glad to hear from you no matter how you respond. Then he can adjust his game plan to keep you on the hook. If you're angry he can apologize more and win you back, if you are indifferent he can communicate a little more, maybe bring up some of the past things he knows you're happy with about him and pull you back in that way, and if you're happy maybe it puts his mind at ease that you're still there for him and he doesn't have to worry about losing you for the time being.

 

What is he talking about when he says that he thinks "that the act of having to stand on my own two feet without relying on someone else has been helpful"? Is he just getting over some major illness where he's needed a nurse to help him do basic day-to-day tasks?

[2sunny]

So, as you all probably know, my exMM asked "for a break" to "think" last March. I interpreted this as "I need you to go away quietly because I want to fix my marriage as my wife is catching on." Since then, we've emailed a few times. We spoke over a week ago, at my request for closure. I felt I had the closure I needed from the conversation. He followed up the conversation with an email, basically telling me he was hurting as badly if not worse than I was...maybe true, but I doubt it. I felt he was just trying to have the "last word," and rid himself of the guilt of hurting me and using me. I didn't respond and have been NC.

 

Today I received an email on my other email address, not the one we used to communicate on. I shut that one down. I don't know why he emailed me, as it sounds like NOTHING has changed. When I saw his name in my email, my stomach flopped. This is what he wrote:

 

Dear L,

 

As you deserve to know what is going on in my life, I wanted to give you an update. Hopefully this email isn't unwelcome. It it is, let me know.

 

I met with Dr. H yesterday. We were supposed to meet for an hour, but he stretched it to an hour and a half. At the end of the session, he told me that whether or not I think he's the therapist for me, he strongly recommends that I talk to someone. The impression I got from him was that he thinks I am pretty messed up.

 

You should know that I think about you constantly, I miss you all of the time and that my feelings haven't changed one iota. As painful as not talking with you every day is, however, I do think that the act of having to stand on my own two feet without relying on someone else has been helpful. It is my greatest hope that you are doing better as well.

 

I'd like to know how you're doing, what the status is of your court cases, if there's anything new in your life etc. It's certainly understandable if you don't wish to share anything with me, or even hear from me. However, I would be remiss if I didn't tell you I love you, very much.

 

Love,

P

 

He is referring to his first therapy appt. I had been encouraging him to get help with his feelings of being "stuck" in his marriage etc. I feel he is just now using the "results" of the therapy to justify abandoning me...as he is "so messed up." And the who bull about standing on his own two feet? He still lives with his wife. That isn't exactly being independent and making decisions.

 

Ugh...I hate this.

 

I will ignore this email for a while and think about whether or not I should reply at all.

 

Suggestions?

 

 

He's just fishing to see if you'll take his bait. He wants sex again.

 

Providing him with an orgasm and an ego boost - all while hurting others - isn't the answer.

 

Yes, respond! Tell him to STOP IT! He's totally disrespecting you!

[xpaperxcutx]

People telling you not to respond is to help you protect yourself.

[2sunny]

It's still all about him.

[Summer Breeze]

So, as you all probably know, my exMM asked "for a break" to "think" last March. I interpreted this as "I need you to go away quietly because I want to fix my marriage as my wife is catching on." Since then, we've emailed a few times. We spoke over a week ago, at my request for closure. I felt I had the closure I needed from the conversation. He followed up the conversation with an email, basically telling me he was hurting as badly if not worse than I was...maybe true, but I doubt it. I felt he was just trying to have the "last word," and rid himself of the guilt of hurting me and using me. I didn't respond and have been NC.

 

Today I received an email on my other email address, not the one we used to communicate on. I shut that one down. I don't know why he emailed me, as it sounds like NOTHING has changed. When I saw his name in my email, my stomach flopped. This is what he wrote:

 

Dear L,

 

As you deserve to know what is going on in my life, I wanted to give you an update. Hopefully this email isn't unwelcome. It it is, let me know.

You're free to email all you wish to but I'm equally as free to only read them if I choose to. We both know you writing is to make you feel better, not me, so do what you want. You'll feel better writing them and I'll feel better not reading them. Win/win. Remember though that one day I may choose to forward your unopened emails to your wife.

 

I met with Dr. H yesterday. We were supposed to meet for an hour, but he stretched it to an hour and a half. At the end of the session, he told me that whether or not I think he's the therapist for me, he strongly recommends that I talk to someone. The impression I got from him was that he thinks I am pretty messed up.

I take it you've told your wife this? And also that you've shared this with me? I'm sure she'd agree with how messed up you are and quite frankly, you're not my concern anymore and I'm not yours.

 

You should know that I think about you constantly, I miss you all of the time and that my feelings haven't changed one iota. As painful as not talking with you every day is, however, I do think that the act of having to stand on my own two feet without relying on someone else has been helpful. It is my greatest hope that you are doing better as well.

You're right it is painful and the feelings don't change quickly if they ever do. That's something we're sharing at a distance right now but we'll both get over it. I suggest you rely on your wife. I imagine you got yourself into this mess because you didn't do that before so you might want to now. Here's my eye opener from our time apart--that I was standing on my own 2 feet even when we were together. I doubt you truly have the courage to stand on your own 2 feet but that's your problem to solve.

 

I'd like to know how you're doing, what the status is of your court cases, if there's anything new in your life etc. It's certainly understandable if you don't wish to share anything with me, or even hear from me. However, I would be remiss if I didn't tell you I love you, very much.

There is something new in my life. Someone who said he loved me very much chose not to act on that love and now I'm moving on. As I said above what happens in my life is of no concern to you and what happens in yours is no concern to me. You made your choices and as a result I have made mine, so this is the direct result of your choices.

 

Love,

P

 

He is referring to his first therapy appt. I had been encouraging him to get help with his feelings of being "stuck" in his marriage etc. I feel he is just now using the "results" of the therapy to justify abandoning me...as he is "so messed up." And the who bull about standing on his own two feet? He still lives with his wife. That isn't exactly being independent and making decisions.

 

Ugh...I hate this.

 

I will ignore this email for a while and think about whether or not I should reply at all.

 

Suggestions?

 

I put what my responses to each paragraph would be. I'm the type of person that likes to get the last word. I also love to pull apart the whole passive aggressive thing and toss it right back at someone! I hate people thinking they can get themselves off the hook that. Throw it back at them and let them know they are responsible for the decisions they made just like you are for the decisions you made.

 

I believe you've already sent something to him and I hope it made you feel better. If you slip forgive yourself and move on.

[Goodbye]

He seems like a cake eater. He likes the feeling of having two women wanting him. Or maybe he wants you as a backup plan in case things don't work out with his wife, and vice versa.

 

How, or if, you respond is up to you. He certainly will be glad to hear from you no matter how you respond. Then he can adjust his game plan to keep you on the hook. If you're angry he can apologize more and win you back, if you are indifferent he can communicate a little more, maybe bring up some of the past things he knows you're happy with about him and pull you back in that way, and if you're happy maybe it puts his mind at ease that you're still there for him and he doesn't have to worry about losing you for the time being.

 

What is he talking about when he says that he thinks "that the act of having to stand on my own two feet without relying on someone else has been helpful"? Is he just getting over some major illness where he's needed a nurse to help him do basic day-to-day tasks?

 

 

No, lol. He isn't getting over a major illness. I don't really know what he is talking about, frankly. He claims he "broke" mentally when I became upset in March and threatened to tell his wife. He claims he told her he was in love with me (didn't admit to affair) and she was highly upset (you think?) and emotionally he couldn't handle life anymore.

 

I wish I'd read all of your thoughtful posts last night before I impulsively replied....

[Goodbye]

Ok, for those of you who have patiently been following this thread, here is the response I impulsively sent last night. Again, I wish I'd had the fortitude to hang in there until this morning when I read all of the input from you kind folks.

 

 

Dear P,

 

I'm glad that you've found not talking with me helpful to you. I do hope that seeing a therapist is also helpful.

 

You know me well enough to know how I'm doing. You don't need to check in on me regarding my court cases. I am fine.

 

P, you are a married man. You've hurt me quite enough for a lifetime. Please do not pretend to be my friend.

 

L.

 

 

 

I guess it was more final than I'd intended, but it is how I was feeling. I haven't cried over this, so that is a good sign. Then again, this is such a roller coaster...no promise of how I'll feel later I will try and keep looking forward.

[Goodbye]

Metal,

 

Thanks for not thinking it was totally stupid. I still wished I'd waited. There is power in silence. But then again, isn't that just another game? Sometimes the things we say impulsively are the closest things to the truth. I guess had I really been honest with him, I would have added something about how much I loved him, and how devastated I am that he sh*t on his promises. I guess I was trying to maintain my pride, in a prideless situation. Its out there. I very much doubt he'll respond in any way. I suspect he is in full "self-pity mode" and will now sulk off to his wife for a little lovin'. At least that is what I'm telling myself. Blahhhhh

[Athens]

Goodbye, I don't know you well, but it seems to me you are better than this, that you have more to offer than he deserves. I hope you stay strong in your resolve and not answer, that may the thing that ends this so you can move forward with being you.

[Summer Breeze]

Ok, for those of you who have patiently been following this thread, here is the response I impulsively sent last night. Again, I wish I'd had the fortitude to hang in there until this morning when I read all of the input from you kind folks.

 

 

Dear P,

 

I'm glad that you've found not talking with me helpful to you. I do hope that seeing a therapist is also helpful.

 

You know me well enough to know how I'm doing. You don't need to check in on me regarding my court cases. I am fine.

 

P, you are a married man. You've hurt me quite enough for a lifetime. Please do not pretend to be my friend.

 

L.

 

 

 

I guess it was more final than I'd intended, but it is how I was feeling. I haven't cried over this, so that is a good sign. Then again, this is such a roller coaster...no promise of how I'll feel later I will try and keep looking forward.

 

I'm not sure what lines Pierre was reading between but I think the letter is really well done. It should be final and it is!!

[Summer Breeze]

Where she says:

 

"Please do not pretend to be my friend".

 

 

That is a fishing line to elicit more ILYs and to elicit a greater effort on the part of the MM to leave his wife.

 

We disagree. To me it reads that he shouldn't pretend to be her friend. You can't dial it back and carry on or it will be leaving it open for him to possibly come and chase more. I'm good with disagreeing.

[veryhappy]

It's a good, succint last email. It says "don't bs me and I'm letting you know you can't anymore".

 

All you need to do is not engage. Let this be the last message and it will be strong. If you say anything, you deny being serious and he won't take it seriously.

[veryhappy]

Pierre, sometimes a response is needed. ExMM really understood NC after I wrote him on purpose when I was planning not to, putting it in very clear terms that his contact was unwanted.

 

One final email is fine, as long as it's one.

[Summer Breeze]

Pierre, sometimes a response is needed. ExMM really understood NC after I wrote him on purpose when I was planning not to, putting it in very clear terms that his contact was unwanted.

 

One final email is fine, as long as it's one.

 

I agree fully. I think leaving with no 'ending' is leaving it open. Goodbye went back and said you don't need to worry about me, I'm not your concern, you can't even pretend to be my friend. I think finalizing things is much more effective than silence. Now I do agree she should be silent no matter what he does.

[Praying4Peace]

Goodbye-

Your email to him was perfect. It was honest. You don't have to shut off your vulnerability completely. I especially liked that 'don't pretend to be my friend' part. It was simple yet said so much- if you are my friend then don't contact me and hurt me more, if you are my friend you'd look out for my well-being...

 

You know...we all post on these boards screaming and pointing at the MM/MW and how they are liars, they don't say what they mean, play mind games, like to keep people guessing, can't express true feelings........and then DO THE SAME THING.

 

It is very clear to me that Goodbye would want a relationship with this man IF he shows her that he wants her enough to do the hard work it would take to get together in a non-A. I don't believe for a SECOND that this man, who dragged himself to a therapist, is cake-eating and looking for her to hang on and get ego stroked. Yes, he's a man but he's a human being. Having been a married person in an affair- its mind numbing, gut wrenching pain to fight your head and your heart on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. He's probably a mess. He's hurting two women. There's no way out. Posters here paint a picture of a man literally eating a big old chocolate cake, squeezing pepper in his eyes to elicit tears while holding back evil laughter and standing in front of a whiteboard keeping score of ego-strokes. Whatever.

 

If he needs time to figure it out, let him have it. Its a LIFE decision- getting D is like getting M. It changes everything forever. The last thing he needs is to think she's playing games with him, telling him she has a NEW MAN, etc. If my exAP broke up with me and found a rebound person right away I would think he was crazy and emotionally unstable and just needed to fill a void and that I wasn't really that important to him. Goodbye is not like that. In fact, even if I were a man and seriously considering leaving my W and got a weird, mean email from Goodbye, I'd reconsider. They are friends and she knows that he's hurting too. This is not the time to be a jackass.

 

That said, Goodbye needs to get to place where she will be fine with or without him and that's why NC is necessary. Silence is so powerful. Its neither the truth (I love you) or a lie (I hate you and don't want to be with you). They've been together 2 years and known each other 30 years. The fact finding part of the relationship is over. He knows everything he needs to know about her to decide if he can live without her and same goes for Goodbye.

 

Sometimes I think people just post the same canned responses over and over without listening to the OP and their situation. OP gets all confused and emails something she never wanted to say and is tortured forever.

 

I don't really give a crap if my exMM thinks I love him or not. I'm NC. And if he saw that I did care- it doesn't matter anymore. I'd rather be authentic and not lie to myself about my feelings. That's why NC is nice. I don't have to tell anyone anything anymore. I don't have to answer or discuss my feelings.

 

Goodbye- hang in there. You've done everything you can do. Your email was perfect.

[Goodbye]

IMHO, the email is terrible. If one reads between the lines it is possible to see how OP is still in love. This was the validation the OM was seeking and he will now call or write again. When dealing with these situations the best response is always no response. However, many cannot go silent, they just cannot do it. The letter also implies hope, there is an underlying yearning for the OM that comes loud and clear. The OM got his external validation once again and he will obviously respond and if i am not mistaken OP will respond again.

 

 

Hmm, really? I am oblivious, but I do believe you know what you are talking about. So, do elaborate with specifics. Thanks.

[Goodbye]

Goodbye-

Your email to him was perfect. It was honest. You don't have to shut off your vulnerability completely. I especially liked that 'don't pretend to be my friend' part. It was simple yet said so much- if you are my friend then don't contact me and hurt me more, if you are my friend you'd look out for my well-being...

 

You know...we all post on these boards screaming and pointing at the MM/MW and how they are liars, they don't say what they mean, play mind games, like to keep people guessing, can't express true feelings........and then DO THE SAME THING.

 

It is very clear to me that Goodbye would want a relationship with this man IF he shows her that he wants her enough to do the hard work it would take to get together in a non-A. I don't believe for a SECOND that this man, who dragged himself to a therapist, is cake-eating and looking for her to hang on and get ego stroked. Yes, he's a man but he's a human being. Having been a married person in an affair- its mind numbing, gut wrenching pain to fight your head and your heart on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. He's probably a mess. He's hurting two women. There's no way out. Posters here paint a picture of a man literally eating a big old chocolate cake, squeezing pepper in his eyes to elicit tears while holding back evil laughter and standing in front of a whiteboard keeping score of ego-strokes. Whatever.

 

If he needs time to figure it out, let him have it. Its a LIFE decision- getting D is like getting M. It changes everything forever. The last thing he needs is to think she's playing games with him, telling him she has a NEW MAN, etc. If my exAP broke up with me and found a rebound person right away I would think he was crazy and emotionally unstable and just needed to fill a void and that I wasn't really that important to him. Goodbye is not like that. In fact, even if I were a man and seriously considering leaving my W and got a weird, mean email from Goodbye, I'd reconsider. They are friends and she knows that he's hurting too. This is not the time to be a jackass.

 

That said, Goodbye needs to get to place where she will be fine with or without him and that's why NC is necessary. Silence is so powerful. Its neither the truth (I love you) or a lie (I hate you and don't want to be with you). They've been together 2 years and known each other 30 years. The fact finding part of the relationship is over. He knows everything he needs to know about her to decide if he can live without her and same goes for Goodbye.

 

Sometimes I think people just post the same canned responses over and over without listening to the OP and their situation. OP gets all confused and emails something she never wanted to say and is tortured forever.

 

I don't really give a crap if my exMM thinks I love him or not. I'm NC. And if he saw that I did care- it doesn't matter anymore. I'd rather be authentic and not lie to myself about my feelings. That's why NC is nice. I don't have to tell anyone anything anymore. I don't have to answer or discuss my feelings.

 

Goodbye- hang in there. You've done everything you can do. Your email was perfect.

 

 

P4P, thanks so much for your reply. It was very comforting to read. I do think you "get" my situation.

[Goodbye]

GB:

 

Only you know why you decided to reply.

 

You are free to explain why you felt you needed to write back.

 

My impression is that you could not control the urge to write back. I assume OM feels the same way.

 

 

Pierre,

 

I felt compelled, yes. It was impulsive and I should have resisted. It was a genuine question to you, not a challenge, about how my letter was written to illicit response. To me, it seemed like a true "end" email. But, as you well know, there is an addictive quality to these relationships, even during the painful downward spiral. So, your insights aren't without basis. I may have written in a way to leave "the door open." I'm wondering what you see in my words that would lead you to think that. My exMM (not OM, I am single) seems to suffer from a serious esteem deficit and I would assume he'd read my email and feel the door slammed pretty hard in his face. Given his self-loathing of late, I suspect he'll just curl up with his wife and let her nurture him back to his former self.

 

But yes, you are likely correct that responding filled a need for validation for me. It is terribly heartbreaking knowing I've been so intimate with someone who, in the end, just didn't feel I was worth running the extra mile.

[Goodbye]

MJ...the court stuff is a civil suit around a business that is being divided secondary to my divorce.

[firstandlast]

After reading so many OWs stories, I tend to wonder if the affiar provides some extra boost of self-worth/self-esteem that dating a single man wouldnt. Something along the lines of: "I must be really special if a man is willing to betray his won wife/fiance/GF to see me" or even just a boost that the AP is herself somehow "better" than the BS, even if they dont even know each other.

 

Yes, definitely. It also makes you more willing to accept things you would never accept in an out-in-the-open relationship, such as frequent breakups, periods of no contact, etc. "It's not that the other person isn't that into me," you tell yourself. "It's just this crazy situation/wife/kids, etc."

[Goodbye]

I didn't get any esteem boost from exMM being M. More like my esteem went down the toilet. I'd known him so long NOT married, I had the uncanny ability to convince myself he wasn't really married. Whenever I broke through the denial, I felt like hell. Being the side dish to a married man does nothing for the esteem. I guess I get if an OW managed to break up a marriage...if she was a trophy hunter type of gal thinking she'd had a major victory. But for me, it was mostly just a depressing trap of denial and longing.

[Cali408]

When one is married you already have a woman at home. One is cooked, done, as a single man. One is not supposed to play the field. There is no such thing of dating many women at once and finding one that sticks.

 

Boredom sets in.

 

Then a receptive OW appears and one goes all out with the charm. The attention is now directed at the receptive OW and it provides a form of gratification that feels amazing within the boring marriage.

 

 

It does not matter if one plays the courting game for 1-2 years at work. There is no rush because one is married. There is no rush because one is not dating 10 other women. This becomes a game, a conquest and before you know one develops feelings.

 

 

It is normal to develop feelings with familiarity and daily exposure.

 

 

The key is that all this romance develops as an outside compartment to the marriage at home. The love is real, but it coexists with another parallel universe.

 

This nails everything in a nutshell.

 

The issue with affairs are they are not reality. Lately I've felt the pangs of temptation to make contact. Really want to. But I haven't. I'm sure the reaction would be positive, but to what end? She lives a thousand miles away and is single. It's not fair to my wife, myself or her. She needs to live her life.

 

Reality would be broke, wife hating me, kids resenting me, and not seeing ow every day. Doesn't work. Unfortunately, emotions are tough to deal with. Just my 2 cents

[BrokenPrincess]

Posters here paint a picture of a man literally eating a big old chocolate cake, squeezing pepper in his eyes to elicit tears while holding back evil laughter and standing in front of a whiteboard keeping score of ego-strokes.

 

Best thing I've read all day! Literally eyes watering I was laughing so hard at this perfect imagery.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

This nails everything in a nutshell.

 

The issue with affairs are they are not reality. Lately I've felt the pangs of temptation to make contact. Really want to. But I haven't. I'm sure the reaction would be positive, but to what end? She lives a thousand miles away and is single. It's not fair to my wife, myself or her. She needs to live her life.

 

Reality would be broke, wife hating me, kids resenting me, and not seeing ow every day. Doesn't work. Unfortunately, emotions are tough to deal with. Just my 2 cents

 

This is interesting to me that you are feeling a desire to make contact. It honestly at least makes me feel (as an OW) that I'm worth something. Thanks for saying it, even though you aren't going to act on it.

[Goodbye]

Cali, your story sounds a bit like mine. You sound like you did a practical cost benefit analysis of continuing, and the affair didn't make it? How is your marriage now? Did you have a d day?