IS IT Better late Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 It's Cruel to us b/c of the following: We can't speak to the one person we want to speak to more than anybody else the world (of course if they really did wrong by you and you hate them I could be wrong) but I don't hate this girl, I always enjoyed chatting with her. Cruel b/c we all have those thoughts that pop in our head and you get the urge to want to speak with them just b/c you know when you were together this would of been something to text him/her about to discuss. Cruel b/c it's 2013 and its so damn easy to contact somebody! Everyone is playing with their phone all the time. We all know that our Ex's have their phone on them and are texting with somebody. Our names are still in their contacts most likely. Cruel b/c I don't have the balls to ignore a text from a girl who let me go but didn't let me go. Meaning- she's not gone but she's not by my side either. Damn NC!
Toddbt12y1 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 You say cruel now...but later on you'll say joy! Trust me.
andre84 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 NC beats the alternative. My ex is not a terrible person so it has been very hard to be angry at her (There are a few things)... but for the most part she just fell out of love with me and didn't see a future for us. I of course did, which is why I'm on this site. If it wasn't for NC It would take much longer to heal. Initially we stayed friends on facebook and e-mailed back and forth while we were turning in the apartment we lived at together. All that made it impossible for me to really move on. In my mind it was like we were just going through some rough times. NC allows for you to take this person completely out of the picture and start over. If I still had contact with her regularly then I would start taking her laughing or joking with me as a sign that we could get back together... But I know for a fact that she has no feelings for me now, so for her is not a problem to remain friends. Which is why its key for me to get to a point where I hopefully stop having feelings for her as well. Sadly I don't think I will ever get to a point where I will be ok just being friends... I think those are rare and they only happen when the break up is mutual or maybe if a lot of years go by and both parties have already started their families. 1
dreamsgone Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 It's not cruel its just damn hard sometimes. Trust me I just gave up contact this morning for good, and I mean for good because I was torturing myself reading into things that werent there. You can take the advice or not but I tell you I wont be crying myself to sleep tonight cause he didnt tell me he loved me again, I still might cry but it will be because Im letting go now not holding onto a dream 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 NC beats the alternative. My ex is not a terrible person so it has been very hard to be angry at her (There are a few things)... but for the most part she just fell out of love with me and didn't see a future for us. I of course did, which is why I'm on this site. If it wasn't for NC It would take much longer to heal. Initially we stayed friends on facebook and e-mailed back and forth while we were turning in the apartment we lived at together. All that made it impossible for me to really move on. In my mind it was like we were just going through some rough times. NC allows for you to take this person completely out of the picture and start over. If I still had contact with her regularly then I would start taking her laughing or joking with me as a sign that we could get back together... But I know for a fact that she has no feelings for me now, so for her is not a problem to remain friends. Which is why its key for me to get to a point where I hopefully stop having feelings for her as well. Sadly I don't think I will ever get to a point where I will be ok just being friends... I think those are rare and they only happen when the break up is mutual or maybe if a lot of years go by and both parties have already started their families. Damn our stories are similar!! We lived together too, and had to remain in LC for a while after our BU. And, I feel the same about my ex too. Really didn't do anything wrong (that I know of). However, I do harbor some anger about her accepting the ring and having me follow her in a long distance move when I'm pretty sure, at that point, she knew we were not going to last. That makes me kinda mad!!! As I've mentioned many times here, it's the rejection that is very difficult to accept. Going from 'in love' to 'thanks, but no thanks...' Maybe she never was in love. Who knows??
SimonSerenade Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I don't have a mobile phone so I suppose that spares me a little, she was always texting away so she probably still is now, whatever she is doing is no longer my business so honestly don't think about it, nc isn't great but it's affective, if I still talked to her I would probably never get over her an she would probably take advantage of the feelings I have for her, she left me in the dark and will never have the right again to call on me when she needs me, as far as I'm concerned my number 1 objective is to forget she even existed, probably not going to happen if I still talk to her, no contact is the only way certain people get over types of relationships, accept the situation for what it is and focus on nothing more than moving on with your life again.
Chi townD Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Well, you don't HAVE to be in NC. No one says you HAVE to do it. You could be best buds! You can meet up with her for coffee and have a great conversation. Then, have her telling you that she has to go because she's meeting up with her boyfriend. You tell her to have a good time. Mean while you're dying inside. Or you can all meet up at the club and have a good time and she'll be there with her new boyfriend. Her arm around his waist and vice versa. Whispering things in each others ears and seeing her giggle at what he said. Then, a slow song comes on and he takes her out on the dance floor. Their bodies are pressed together, her arms around his neck and his around her waist. Stealing little kisses while she looks lovingly into his eyes the same way she did for you. The song ends and they come off the dance floor and she smiles at you and says "Hi!" and can you please pass the Beer Nuts. So, yeah.....no one says you have to be in NC. 9
BustedUpInside Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 NC does seem cruel, doesn't it. But really, the crueler option is to let yourself suffer slowly for a much longer time. NC hurts so much because it is an abrupt disruption to a routine. It is also hard because it seems like it is the opposite of what you want to do. You want to be as close to your ex as possible but with no contact you worry that they will move on and forget you. What you may not realize about no contact is that it forces you to face up to the reality of the situation instead of blindly clinging to false hope and any small breadcrumbs the other party might throw your way. I always think of it like a band aid. It is better to rip it off all at once then slowly drawing out the pain. Seriously though, I really feel for you. It is like an addiction with me. Some days, I am so strong in my resolve to get over my ex. I don't even think about him and when I do it is either with fond nostalgia or with anger over his past bad behavior, but on my bad days, it is almost too much effort to get out of bed because I am consumed with regrets and longing for the other person and nothing anyone tells me makes me feel better. I just want to wallow. The only thing that brings comfort is that I know that if I was still in contact with him, then those days would be a thousand times worse because I would be believing that we might get back together and so wouldn't be able to shake off the depression at not actually being with him. 3
na49 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 a girl who let me go but didn't let me go. Meaning- she's not gone but she's not by my side either. What the heck does this mean? Also, you don't have to go NC lol. You can text her right now. You can call her and tell her you love her, you miss her, and that you're gonna change. Or you could go NC. Do whatever is necessary for you to get better, and try (easier said than done) to move the spotlight off of her and onto you. Nobody here is forcing you to go NC. The reason people suggest it is because it's a way for you to work on yourself, and not seem desperate and needy to your ex. 1
may_girl Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 NC: Cruel in the short-term The best thing you can EVER do, in the long-term You are living today, you will not see the benefits at the precise moment. But give it time, and then look back to where you were at the start of NC. THEN you will see the benefits, and boy are they huge ones. What I tend to do is every fortnight of NC, I look at back to how I felt the last. The thoughts about him reduce, the memories fade, the desire to have him fades. Having your ex in your life is just a constant reminder of what could have been and so those thoughts, memories and desires never have the chance to go away. Don't have a negative opinion on NC because it leads to breaking it. Keep at it. You'll be okay
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 NC: Cruel in the short-term The best thing you can EVER do, in the long-term You are living today, you will not see the benefits at the precise moment. But give it time, and then look back to where you were at the start of NC. THEN you will see the benefits, and boy are they huge ones. What I tend to do is every fortnight of NC, I look at back to how I felt the last. The thoughts about him reduce, the memories fade, the desire to have him fades. Having your ex in your life is just a constant reminder of what could have been and so those thoughts, memories and desires never have the chance to go away. Don't have a negative opinion on NC because it leads to breaking it. Keep at it. You'll be okay For me, I go up and down so much that if I were to analyze every 2 weeks (fortnight, right??) it doesn't look like much. But, I'm betting in a few months, I will see the dividend. I hope 1
may_girl Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 For me, I go up and down so much that if I were to analyze every 2 weeks (fortnight, right??) it doesn't look like much. But, I'm betting in a few months, I will see the dividend. I hope How far out of the relationship are you? Up and down is so common but I've found the 'down' stages have reduced considerably the last couple weeks. Maybe now I have a bad moment for half hour every 5 days or so. Before it would be so much more frequent. That has been my change since two weeks ago anyway
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 How far out of the relationship are you? Up and down is so common but I've found the 'down' stages have reduced considerably the last couple weeks. Maybe now I have a bad moment for half hour every 5 days or so. Before it would be so much more frequent. That has been my change since two weeks ago anyway BU - Beginning of Feb Acceptance of BU - Mid Feb Move out of shared house - March 17 53 days of 99% NC. Had to communicate twice about finances and other crap...
may_girl Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 BU - Beginning of Feb Acceptance of BU - Mid Feb Move out of shared house - March 17 53 days of 99% NC. Had to communicate twice about finances and other crap... I broke up with my ex at the end of Jan, so we are on similar time-scales. Though it was a clear break for me, but there were a few bumps in the road with breaking NC once, I didn't have the trouble of worrying about finances etc. I think NC is important, but the trigger that has helped me move on personally is when I realized he was a tool and I deserve to be treated much better. But without NC, I would never have had that realization.
Pisces13 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 What the heck does this mean? I think he means she still wants to be friends
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I broke up with my ex at the end of Jan, so we are on similar time-scales. Though it was a clear break for me, but there were a few bumps in the road with breaking NC once, I didn't have the trouble of worrying about finances etc. I think NC is important, but the trigger that has helped me move on personally is when I realized he was a tool and I deserve to be treated much better. But without NC, I would never have had that realization. Hmmm. Well, sometimes I have anger about certain things, but then I also think she really didn't do anything wrong (that I know of) and isn't deserving of my anger/looking down on. Hence the up and downs I speak of. I'm just all over the map with analysis I don't know what I think anymore...
andre84 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 mtnbiker - We definitely have a very similar story and situation. I also have tried to find things to get mad about and overall it works for a bit, but in the end I know that my EX is a good person and a good catch. I'll be honest and say that after almost two months since the initial BU (when I actually accepted the BU was only a few weeks ago) I'm getting to a point where I am starting to come to terms with it and sometimes feel "better". I know that some of my hurt now comes from not so much the love that I felt for her but that it comes from my manhood. Its hard for me to come to terms that I'm not what's best for her and that in her eyes I'm not good enough... It also stings a bit that she is a very attractive girl and will have guys lining up to try and date her. Thankfuly she is not someone that sleeps around or anything like that, so It gives me time to heal before I hear from a mutual friend about someone she is dating. I feel that after a BU for a lot of us "dumpee's", it becomes a race to the next person so that we find someone before the dumper. Obviously I'm trying to avoid this and give myself time to properly heal. This is most definitely a rollercoaster. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 (edited) mtnbiker - We definitely have a very similar story and situation. I also have tried to find things to get mad about and overall it works for a bit, but in the end I know that my EX is a good person and a good catch. I'll be honest and say that after almost two months since the initial BU (when I actually accepted the BU was only a few weeks ago) I'm getting to a point where I am starting to come to terms with it and sometimes feel "better". I know that some of my hurt now comes from not so much the love that I felt for her but that it comes from my manhood. Its hard for me to come to terms that I'm not what's best for her and that in her eyes I'm not good enough... It also stings a bit that she is a very attractive girl and will have guys lining up to try and date her. Thankfuly she is not someone that sleeps around or anything like that, so It gives me time to heal before I hear from a mutual friend about someone she is dating. I feel that after a BU for a lot of us "dumpee's", it becomes a race to the next person so that we find someone before the dumper. Obviously I'm trying to avoid this and give myself time to properly heal. This is most definitely a rollercoaster. Yup. Like I've said before, the rejection is probably the hardest part. I gave my all, it it wasn't good enough. Very difficult to be OK with that. My ex is very attractive as well, and I also know she will have no problem meeting guys. In fact I used to wonder why she was even interested in me. Guess she really wasn't after all I mean, I'm not ugly and girls have regularly been interested in me, but she is a much hotter girl than I am as a guy. When we first got together, it moved so fast, so I am unsure if she is doing the same with someone else right now. Or, really if she even started the process before we even broke up. I wish I could discount that right away, I simple cannot. I just don't know and probably never will. And that adds a whole new dimension to my confusion and pain... I know she doesn't like to be alone and really never has been (not necessarily always with men, but somebody - friends, family, etc). Although, she did state that she had not met any one else as a cause of our BU, and that she planned on being single for a while after being with me. Truthful? Who knows... You are correct that no matter what it is not a race, and even if it was, I would lose, bad!! I'm trying to avoid this thinking too, but I just have such a void in my life right now, I don't know how to fill it. Working on bettering myself and I guess that's a good first step BTW - OP, sorry for thread jacking... Edited May 8, 2013 by mtnbiker3000 1
Author IS IT Better late Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 Thanks for all the reply's! Lot's of great advice and insight. a girl who let me go but didn't let me go. Meaning- she's not gone but she's not by my side either. So what I meant by the above is that this chick has been reaching out to me again lately as I've tried to drift away from her by using NC. I do respond to her texts and as mentioned in another post of mine I've been getting some heavy duty breadcrumbs. I still have feelings for this chick and it wasn't a messy end so to ignore her seems foolish. I guess over the course of the next few weeks this will all play out and I will see what her true intentions are and either I will stop the BS and go hardcore NC. Or she'll stop with her game's and make a move back towards me. We'll see? In the meantime I leave her alone.
tbf Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 A break up is like quitting smoking. Some can and need to go cold turkey, others wean themselves off cigarettes slowly. NC is like cauterizing a wound without local anesthetic. Hurts like a mofo when it's happening. But once it's over and quickly, the wound's clean and won't reinfect. 6
WhatamIdoingwrong Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 NC is SOOOOO tough though. With my previous ex, I failed miserably at it, and it cost me everything, we could never repair our relationship. And now, I am trying so hard to go NC. Its only been 4 days and its killing me :-(
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