aloha17 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Hi This is my first post. Just looking for some general insight/advice. This was not a long term relationship. We had only been seeing each other for about 4 months. Everything seemed to be going well. We never argued or anything, had fun together, and were both really affectionate towards one another. While good, it didn't feel like it was a serious relationship yet. I think was mainly down to me. I had been quite badly hurt in a previous relationship and I was unintentionally keeping my distance. It still felt like it was at the 'dating' stage. We never communicated to each other about the relationship itself. However, I did think he was serious about it. He referred to me as his girlfriend, invited me to meet his friends and family etc. I hadn't reciprocated this kind of thing yet. Not because I didn't want to. I just thought it would get more serious in the future, and I wasn't in a rush. Also, because we hadn't specifically spoke about it I didn't want to start acting like we were really serious and scare him off. Maybe I was over cautious. He dumped me out of the blue. Said it didn't feel right to him because it didn't feel like we were proper boyfriend and girlfriend. I tried to explain that I had been just taking it slowly, and that I didn't know it had been a problem for him. He just said he thought it was just because we weren't compatible and that if we were it would have naturally felt like we were properly together. So basically saying he thought it was because we weren't suited to each other. If he is right we just aren't suited, I guess that's a 100% reason to break up. You can't change your personality completely. Am I just being naive in thinking the relationship just hadn't moved on because I was holding back? And that if we had just talked about it we could have worked it out? In anycase, I'm not holding any hope of reconciliation. It ended on a nice and friendly note, and since then there has been complete NC. I don't want to make things messy and I don't think I could trust him now anyway. I just wanted to rant and see if anyone has any insight into why he did this out of the blue, without being willing to at least try. I thought he really liked me, and now I feel like a fool... Thanks
ForeverHopeful1 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 (edited) He wanted to have a relationship with you, you shut him down, and you have issues with him???? He opened his entire life up to you, introduced you to friends and family and after months of doing so, he got nowhere at all with you. You didnt want him to meet your friends or family, and didnt really feel like it was a relationship... Why the heck would he continue along that path with someone who is completely closed off? He didnt end it without trying. He tried the entire time. You didnt try at all, so he walked away. He did really like you. You were unwilling to open up, so he ended things, instead of dragging them out. I know you have trust issues, but this is not his fault, however, you put it on him. Dont get upset at him and say you feel like a fool because you thought he liked you. He did. He probably was trustworthy, and you will be bitter about it and blame this poor guy and say that he is untrustworthy because he was unwilling to bang his head against a wall continuously by dating you. Pretty straightforward. Edited May 8, 2013 by ForeverHopeful1
Author aloha17 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 Thanks for your insight, ForeverHopeful1, Its helpful to hear that. I think its for the reasons that you say too. He just disagreed and said he thought it didn't feel like a proper relationship because we were incompatible. I was just looking for some insight really into what others thought. Maybe it was a bit of both. I don't blame him, maybe my first post made it sound like I do. When he broke it off, I told him I understood, and apologised. I also said I thought he was a lovely guy and still did. I wouldn't say I didn't try at all. I was always enthusiastic about seeing him, was always affectionate, etc. But I just had trouble opening up to him (I would with anyone, not specific to him) whereas he easily let me into his life. I felt like I would in time, like I was getting there. But I understand he had already been trying for months, from his point of view. And because we never talked about it, neither of us knew what the other was thinking. Just got to try and learn from it I guess.
SalientPoint Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 He wanted to have a relationship with you, you shut him down, and you have issues with him???? He opened his entire life up to you, introduced you to friends and family and after months of doing so, he got nowhere at all with you. You didnt want him to meet your friends or family, and didnt really feel like it was a relationship... Why the heck would he continue along that path with someone who is completely closed off? He didnt end it without trying. He tried the entire time. You didnt try at all, so he walked away. He did really like you. You were unwilling to open up, so he ended things, instead of dragging them out. I know you have trust issues, but this is not his fault, however, you put it on him. Dont get upset at him and say you feel like a fool because you thought he liked you. He did. He probably was trustworthy, and you will be bitter about it and blame this poor guy and say that he is untrustworthy because he was unwilling to bang his head against a wall continuously by dating you. Pretty straightforward. I respectfully disagree with some of this. Communication in any relationship is important, and if he was feeling this way and really wanted to be with you, then he should have talked to you about it before just dumping you. I assume you're not a mind reader, so he shouldn't have either. I'm not sure how old you guys are, but he sounds a bit young, or too immature to realize that communication is important. That's not to blame him for anything, or say that it's his fault, just as you get older or the more relationships you're in the more you realize how without communication it's 10 million times harder to make things work. 1
Divasu Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 OP, it probably would have been beneficial for both of you had you explained this to him versus keeping him in the dark: I had been quite badly hurt in a previous relationship and I was unintentionally keeping my distance. Then again, you said it was not intentional so I guess you had 'no idea' of what you were doing... Insight of the day ---> take some time off from dating altogether and tend to your past grievances before dragging someone else into them unknowingly. 1
Author aloha17 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 Thank you SalientPoint That makes me feel much better. I don't blame him for feeling like he did. But I do wish he had tried to speak to me about it. I honestly had no idea he was feeling that way. And I would have tried my best to work it out if he had. Even though I accept a lot of it was my fault, it still hurts. You might be right. He is young, 22 and this was his first relationship. I have had a LTR before. I'm not saying talking would have helped but it might.
Author aloha17 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 OP, it probably would have been beneficial for both of you had you explained this to him versus keeping him in the dark: Then again, you said it was not intentional so I guess you had 'no idea' of what you were doing... Insight of the day ---> take some time off from dating altogether and tend to your past grievances before dragging someone else into them unknowingly. Divasu, yeah I didn't know he was unhappy at all. Although I had an awareness I was acting like that and that it could become a problem. I was trying my best to be more open and thought I was getting there slowly. Although he invited me into his life etc its not like it was all one sided. He had a busy life outside of me and I actually almost thought it suited him that I wasn't acting mega serious etc. But clearly I was wrong. If one of us had taken the initiative to talk about things it might have helped. I agree that I should take a break untill I'm ready for a proper serious relationship. thanks.
Divasu Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Divasu, yeah I didn't know he was unhappy at all. Although I had an awareness I was acting like that and that it could become a problem. I was trying my best to be more open and thought I was getting there slowly. Although he invited me into his life etc its not like it was all one sided. He had a busy life outside of me and I actually almost thought it suited him that I wasn't acting mega serious etc. But clearly I was wrong. If one of us had taken the initiative to talk about things it might have helped. I agree that I should take a break untill I'm ready for a proper serious relationship. thanks. Well, if it is any constellation, he failed to communicate what he wanted from 'whatever' relationship it was that the two of you had. If he felt you were keeping him at arms length, that is something he should have addressed with you (I know I would). Emotions progress differently for each person. You can't help that yours were slow to develop. But communicating to someone you are dating, that you are still hurt from a prior relationship, is key. The other person deserves the right to know that type of information so they are aware of what they are getting themselves into. You were foolish with his emotions by failing to do that. Hindsight is 20/20.
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