Anger Stage

[youngnlove89]

Freakin' the one thing I was most sad about was losing my ex's family. It is such a tight knit group, so loving, caring, fun...a lot of people my age and close in age and we went on family vacations and our group was always the life of the party and his dad is such a Don and commanded attention and respect everywhere and we always had the best of the best and it was always the greatest time.

 

I'm friends with a girl on fb who dated one of my ex's cousins. And they broke up like 2 years ago. Just yesterday I see that they got back together!! Now she's back in "the family" and I just became so envious. Why not me? Why can't I ever have my happy ever after? Why am I AGAIN the only one cast aside and ostracized? Why can't I FOR ONCE in my life ever be given something I want so bad?

 

I always feel like such an exile in all situations. His father would always call me part of the family and then it's like you're dumped, not only by the person you loved but by everyone else you became close to as well.

 

I knew something was up a couple months ago when she wished members of the family a happy birthday on fb with xoxo. Meanwhile did she wish me one? Nope.

So what's always so wrong with ME?

 

So I saw her fb had pics of her again boyfriend up, statuses about how you can search and search but what you want is right in front of you and how she's falling in love all over again... I was just gutted.

 

I obviously had to block her on fb just as I've done to all other member of his family/friends.

 

I had to keep saying to myself over and over how my ex isn't and was never good for me. That we never had anything real and that her situation is completely different from mine, but it still hurt none the less. It just sucks.

 

Aw. I can see how that can hurt you, because it gives you false hope. You did the right thing by blocking her. Sometimes it's better to not know. I've learned that the hard way.

 

Are you feeling better today?

[KatZee]

Aw. I can see how that can hurt you, because it gives you false hope. You did the right thing by blocking her. Sometimes it's better to not know. I've learned that the hard way.

 

Are you feeling better today?

 

Yea, I mean I had my moment. Allowed myself to be sad for a little and then just went about my life as I have. I'm fine again. Just a momentary twinge of nostalgia.

[youngnlove89]

Yea, I mean I had my moment. Allowed myself to be sad for a little and then just went about my life as I have. I'm fine again. Just a momentary twinge of nostalgia.

 

I still have many of those moments. haha But I'm only in the beginning. Are you dating at all?

[d0620]

I had a FWB situation, he did feed me and use to take me places, the family outings and work funtions stopped after about 5 months. I assumed he realized he didn't want anything serious with me at that point, yet he still kept calling me 3-4 days a week to go for dinner and of course have sex. We did this for almost a year. It made me feel so empty inside after. He did me a favor and broke up with me for 30 days and during that time I met a decent guy on a rebound. I hurt him because I was not over the ex and I found myself acting and doing things that was out of my charachter. I now have to grieve the loss of my ex and my friend. Whatever you do don't rebound and try to regain as much dignity and self respect as you can.

 

Here is a document that helped me.

How to Let Go of Someone Who You Deeply Loved: 11 Steps

[mtnbiker3000]

Glad to hear you're doing well, youngnlove. Well I'm a over a month NC and there's already someone pursuing me hardcore...I don't even know what to make of it right now...Roses and wine, suit and tie, even a guitar serenade, all on the first date. and now he wants to cook me dinner tomorrow. What is this life?

 

Whoaaa! Pump the breaks Romeo. Poor schmuck... Just curious, how old are you? And Romeo? If you are only a month NC from last RS, I would advise letting Romeo down easy... You are not emotionally available, and will break his heart if you are not careful...

[mtnbiker3000]

Freakin' the one thing I was most sad about was losing my ex's family. It is such a tight knit group, so loving, caring, fun

 

Yeah, I lost a pretty great second family as well. And my family is down to me, my sister & her husband and my dad. So, losing my second family was an added bonus of heartbreak

[d0620]

Today, I woke up feeling good. He still lingers in my thoughts and life, but I don't have the anxiety I used to get from it or the stomach churning feeling thinking about him with other people. Basically, I just feel like nothing when I think of him.

 

I think it's mainly my ego talking. I want to be missed. I want to be somebody's somebody. I want to be loved, thought of, remembered. I have no proof that I am and my ego is wounded. That's all.

 

 

It's scary how much I can relate to this. I did everything in my power to convince this man that I could be all he needed. He did everything in his power to convince me that he didn't need me (he just wanted me and on his terms). He contacted me yesterday to wish me a Happy Mother's Day, I responded a simple thank you. He asked to have sex on Friday I responded No, I don't want to keep doing the same thing over and over again. He responded fine I will stop asking I said. "Ok Thank you". Two weeks yesterday I have not seen him and I sent him a letter stating why I was leaving and what I wanted. If they can't offer simple things then why let them complicate our lives? It made it clear for me that if I allowed him to treat me this way, there must be issues within myself that need to be addressed. It seems the same may apply to you. Congrats on the progress!

[youngnlove89]

Yeah, I lost a pretty great second family as well. And my family is down to me, my sister & her husband and my dad. So, losing my second family was an added bonus of heartbreak

 

See, that's the difference between you all and me, you had great relationships, great family. My ex didn't really have a family like that. He didn't talk to his mom and his dad was kind of weird, had severe OCD and liked to be alone. No brothers or sisters. Didn't talk to his mom's side at all. His friends were nice, but didn't see much of them.

 

My ex literally gave me nothing to miss, but yet I still miss him somehow.

[youngnlove89]

It's scary how much I can relate to this. I did everything in my power to convince this man that I could be all he needed. He did everything in his power to convince me that he didn't need me (he just wanted me and on his terms). He contacted me yesterday to wish me a Happy Mother's Day, I responded a simple thank you. He asked to have sex on Friday I responded No, I don't want to keep doing the same thing over and over again. He responded fine I will stop asking I said. "Ok Thank you". Two weeks yesterday I have not seen him and I sent him a letter stating why I was leaving and what I wanted. If they can't offer simple things then why let them complicate our lives? It made it clear for me that if I allowed him to treat me this way, there must be issues within myself that need to be addressed. It seems the same may apply to you. Congrats on the progress!

 

Wow crazy. My ex never bluntly asked for sex, but that's not to say those weren't his intentions, haha. He just did it in a more subtly way. Cruel SOB.

 

We both need to move on! Be my partner in this! We will be strong together! It sucks being with emotionally constipated men who only use us. It's draining.

 

I'm learning how to be happy without him, so far so good. I still have my setbacks, but I just remind myself why I need to move on. Make a list of all the horrible things he did to you. Read that list at your down moments.

 

Can you PM yet?

[youngnlove89]

Stockholm syndrome, or capture–bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending them. These feelings are generally considered irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims, who essentially mistake a lack of abuse from their captors for an act of kindness.

 

Stockholm syndrome can be seen as a form of traumatic bonding, which does not necessarily require a hostage scenario, but which describes “strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other.”[/url] One commonly used hypothesis to explain the effect of Stockholm syndrome is based on Freudian theory. It suggests that the bonding is the individual’s response to trauma in becoming a victim. Identifying with the aggressor is one way that the ego defends itself. When a victim believes the same values as the aggressor, they no longer become a threat

 

 

[KatZee]

Am I dating? No. I took time for me but now I feel I'm ready to be out there. Literally don't have one person I'm interested in. I've had guys express interest but I'm not into them at all. I'm also not a "desperate dater" meaning I won't date just for the sake of dating. I'm not lonely, but a PIC would be nice.

 

I go out all the time and I really believe guys are just intimidated by me. I don't act like some bimbo damsel in distress, I don't throw myself at men, I have my s.hit together and I can quite honestly say I emasculate 90% of men pretty much immediately.

 

Guys back in the day had careers, and were thinking marriage at 18. I know guys who are 30 who still live at home with momma. No direction, no goals, and then think they can date me? Get outta here.

 

It's a sad sad world for single independent girls these days.

[KatZee]

Stockholm syndrome, or capture–bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending them. These feelings are generally considered irrational in light of the danger or risk endured by the victims, who essentially mistake a lack of abuse from their captors for an act of kindness.

 

Stockholm syndrome can be seen as a form of traumatic bonding, which does not necessarily require a hostage scenario, but which describes “strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other.”[/url] One commonly used hypothesis to explain the effect of Stockholm syndrome is based on Freudian theory. It suggests that the bonding is the individual’s response to trauma in becoming a victim. Identifying with the aggressor is one way that the ego defends itself. When a victim believes the same values as the aggressor, they no longer become a threat

 

 

 

What does this have to do with your thread? This applies to people who are kidnapped and then subsequently raped/tortured. Think those 3 girls kidnapped and held 10 years in Ohio.

 

This is not related to you, lol.

[cavalier99]

Am I dating? No. I took time for me but now I feel I'm ready to be out there. Literally don't have one person I'm interested in. I've had guys express interest but I'm not into them at all. I'm also not a "desperate dater" meaning I won't date just for the sake of dating. I'm not lonely, but a PIC would be nice.

 

I go out all the time and I really believe guys are just intimidated by me. I don't act like some bimbo damsel in distress, I don't throw myself at men, I have my s.hit together and I can quite honestly say I emasculate 90% of men pretty much immediately.

 

Guys back in the day had careers, and were thinking marriage at 18. I know guys who are 30 who still live at home with momma. No direction, no goals, and then think they can date me? Get outta here.

 

It's a sad sad world for single independent girls these days.

 

I dont even know you personally and im intimidated by you. Lol Cav

[youngnlove89]

What does this have to do with your thread? This applies to people who are kidnapped and then subsequently raped/tortured. Think those 3 girls kidnapped and held 10 years in Ohio.

 

This is not related to you, lol.

 

 

Because this is how I act with my ex. traumatic bonding, which does not necessarily require a hostage scenario, but which describes “strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other.”

 

I just thought it was an interesting read. I create excuses for my ex. I don't see how big of an ass he is sometimes. I give him a reason to treat me the way he does, and I let him.

 

Anyways. You are a strong women, men can be scared of that. But you know what you want, so that's good.

 

And I know TONS of men who are older (30 and above) who aren't married, never been married and have no interest in it. They have no ambition, no set career and either have an apt or stay at home. It's sad.

 

I'm beginning to think there are no more good guys. Seriously. I am attracted to NO ONE these days. I'm so damn picky. Not that I'm ready to date yet anyways...

 

Plus guys aren't charming anymore. They are lazy, no ambition and users.

[KatZee]

I disagree.

 

People who are / were in emotionally or physically abusive, highly dysfunctional, BPD & NPD, type relationships for lengths of time can / have been diagnosed with "Stockholm Syndrome".

 

For example, the wife who is beaten by her husband for a period of time...

 

Actually is convinced and sure that she deserves it, he does it because he really loves her, that he is justified in doing it and will even sympathize, support and welcome such treatment. She will defend her husband with everything she has with anyone who would question or attack the way he treats her. She equates that sort of treatment as LOVE and being LOVED. Because of that, she ends up desiring, craving it and the person who does it. Sick... but it can and does happen.

 

Downtown has written about this "phenomenon" in various other threads / posts. Maybe if he see this... He will post about it again.

 

Well there's the common factor between what I said and what you said. Real abuse. I don't think Ynls situation was that bad at all. She had rose glasses and excuse poor behavior but I never read of anything crazy like physical/emotional abuse.

[mtnbiker3000]

Because this is how I act with my ex. traumatic bonding, which does not necessarily require a hostage scenario, but which describes “strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other.”

 

I just thought it was an interesting read. I create excuses for my ex. I don't see how big of an ass he is sometimes. I give him a reason to treat me the way he does, and I let him.

 

Anyways. You are a strong women, men can be scared of that. But you know what you want, so that's good.

 

And I know TONS of men who are older (30 and above) who aren't married, never been married and have no interest in it. They have no ambition, no set career and either have an apt or stay at home. It's sad.

 

I'm beginning to think there are no more good guys. Seriously. I am attracted to NO ONE these days. I'm so damn picky. Not that I'm ready to date yet anyways...

 

Plus guys aren't charming anymore. They are lazy, no ambition and users.

 

Hold up. This kind of thinking is both wrong and self-sabotaging. One thing is for sure, if this is the way you think, you will NEVER find someone who you will be happy with. Don't you think I could say the same about women? How many posts do you see everyday about how some poor bastard has had his heart ripped out by his GF (myself included )? And how it came out of left field? I could easily rip on women and throw my hands in the air. But not gonna do it. I was simply with the wrong person, and I have faith that the right person is out there. Hell, I'm much older than you, and if I can have faith, then so should you

[316]

Plus guys aren't charming anymore. They are lazy, no ambition and users.

 

Someone has yet to meet me!

 

No but really ynl we all know you're being a bit pessimistic here. That type of thinking will get you nowhere. Don't allow one ass hole of an ex to have such a strong influence on how you see the rest of the world.

[GI_Joy]

Whoaaa! Pump the breaks Romeo. Poor schmuck... Just curious, how old are you? And Romeo? If you are only a month NC from last RS, I would advise letting Romeo down easy... You are not emotionally available, and will break his heart if you are not careful...

 

I'm 22 years old. He's 25. And I was completely honest with him about my situation, how I just got out of a relationship and how I was not looking to rush into anything, and he told me he understood that but still wanted to pursue me. He enjoyed my company, I enjoyed his. He told me he was ok and sympathetic with my situation, and appreciated me being up front with him.

 

I never got to the "I love you" point with the previous relationship and we were only together for 2.5 months. Things went downhill with the ex about a month and a half into the relationship but me being attached to the breadcrumbs he was dropping me, I decided to withstand the torture all the way til April. I don't even think of the guy anymore because he was such a joke that I laugh and am amused by everything every time the thought does come to mind. I was more upset that I let myself open up to the ex than I am about the ex dumping me in the first place.

[GI_Joy]

 

I'm beginning to think there are no more good guys. Seriously. I am attracted to NO ONE these days. I'm so damn picky. Not that I'm ready to date yet anyways...

 

Plus guys aren't charming anymore. They are lazy, no ambition and users.

 

Youngnlove, you know my story. You'd think I'd feel the exact same way about guys right now because of the real crap that went down last month. But never will I let one turd affect the hope and faith I have for decent men in general. And lo and behold, a decent guy crossed paths with me. Yes, I know, it's only been a month since that whole ordeal, but it doesn't hurt to experience what true decency is like. And I don't even consider myself "emotionally unavailable" at this point, just a lot more discrete at who I let in, because I realized how quickly I got carried away with the previous one.

[youngnlove89]

I guess you guys are right. I just keeping picking all the bumholes. But I am SO PICKY. SOO SOO Picky.

 

It's really hard for me to let someone in too. I am emotionally guarded, which may be the reason it's hard to let my ex go, because it's hard for me to find someone and really let them in.

 

Now I am afraid it might be harder.

 

But nonetheless, I still believe he is out there somewhere...in another state...under a hole...in camouflage...with 100 year supply of food and water.

[316]

For now I think you just need to enjoy being single for a while. Guys will always be there but you can't truly love someone again until you've learned to truly love yourself, and I think you're currently struggling with that.

 

I've been on LS way too long today... I'm off to go swimming!

[youngnlove89]

I dreamt about him last night...good things. We were together again, but this time we were more. It was so nice to see him in my dream. I woke up this morning longing for him, checking my phone, checking my email....nothing.

 

I am at work now and my mind is filled with thoughts of him. I'm going through this, but how do you get through these moments?

 

I went to the gym yesterday for the first time, trained with a personal trainer and it was fun, hard, but fun! I left feeling really good even though I was walking out like a duck. I'm going again today after work and I'm hoping I'll snap out of this soon.

 

I just miss him dangit. Today and tomorrow are his days off and I just hope he doesn't do anything. Even though I want him to. Make sense? I really do want to move on, but I really do want him here. But a bigger part of me wants to move on. I can do this.

[crederer]

There's plenty of good guys out there that try hard and everything else. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't want this. The think they do, then when they have it they want something else.

[mtnbiker3000]

There's plenty of good guys out there that try hard and everything else. Unfortunately, a lot of women don't want this. The think they do, then when they have it they want something else.

 

^^Agreed. Very difficult to strike the correct balance. I have not discovered the recipe...

[William]

Let's focus on the breakup of the thread starter. Thanks.