youngnlove89 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I'm at the anger stage, the stage that can be often confused with indifference. But remember, being angry only means you still care, it still bothers you. and oh, does it ever. He is a scum, an imbecile. He told me that he lied about his ex having a boyfriend, she really never had one. They have been talking after 2 years of not talking and only dated 2 months, right before he met me. He told me she had a boyfriend so I wouldn't freak out and think it was anything more. Then he confessed that he lied about her having a boyfriend, well actually didn't confess, got caught in a lie. With my experience, this is always how cheating starts off, with a little innocent lie. Then he tells me how his friend is throwing this birthday party for his girlfriend. Told me how he wasn't sure if he felt like going or not, but never had the decency to even invite ME. As usual. I can't remember the last time he invited me to go anywhere. Pathetic. I told him I felt like a f_ck buddy. He replies with a "well, why do you keep coming over and rubbing my dick?" I told him to go f_ck himself. He went crazy, called me multiple times, texted, said sorry that came out wrong, he was desperately trying to snag me back into his manipulative games, his torture, he see's me as a weak link. No birthday presents. No cards. No holiday presents. No going out to eat. No flowers. No simple gestures. No trips. No future talk. No marriage. No kids. No talk about moving in together. No future together. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. I don't care what he does anymore. I don't care who he f_cks. I don't care who he ends up dating, marrying, impregnating. I'm done. I don't care if he ever contacts me again. If he dies tomorrow. Shows up at my door. I don't care. The next time he hurts someone, it sure as well won't be me! I'm done being treated like a dirty whore, shamed, shunned, spat on, beaten and bruised emotionally. I'm done hurting, worrying, wondering, thinking about him, caring, emotionally investing my entire being into a dick wad. I've taught him it's okay to treat me like this. But not anymore. I'm through. Time is up. Door closed. Window shut. Phone blocked. Leave me alone bastard. 7
Author youngnlove89 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 Pain Is Life's Greatest Teacher. You had a remarkable threshold for pain to go through all that for that length of time you did. Glad that you were finally hurt enough so you could see and do what is best for you. In future, date someone who has a life to offer and share, someone who adds to your life and someone who brings out the very best in you. Thank you. I am so happy that I have reached this stage. I don't want to even demote myself as a friend to him. He isn't worth it. PS Camel Toe. Hehe
Toddbt12y1 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Hard to believe that such a doll as you can even get angry. You are progressing nicely. You keep expressing your emotions babe. it's wonderful seeing you progress 1
Author youngnlove89 Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 Woke up today feeling emotionally inflated by happiness! He wasn't the first thing on my mind either. I find myself thinking less and less of him. Still talking about it, but isn't the main subject anymore... Sure, could be a moment of bliss, but it's lasted for the last couple days, maybe I got to the point that I'm over it? Tired of it? Had enough? Who knows... Anyways...just thought I'd share! 1
Author youngnlove89 Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 Still feeling great. Last night I almost started the "snowballing" emotion, but I stopped myself right away and reminded myself that I don't WANT to be with him. I am happy and ready for the weekend. My heart is healing more and more.
crederer Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 I'm at that stage as well. She wasn't a bad person and we got along very well. Your guy sounds like a d*ck. My girl was great. Seriously.... It's the fact that it was out of no where that makes me angry. Like she thinks she is better than me or something...hard to explain but I am very angry towards her right now. She is very beautiful, and I'm no slouch but most people that saw us probably though "she's out of his league" and, whether or not it's true, that's how I feel she is thinking right now.
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 I'm at that stage as well. She wasn't a bad person and we got along very well. Your guy sounds like a d*ck. My girl was great. Seriously.... It's the fact that it was out of no where that makes me angry. Like she thinks she is better than me or something...hard to explain but I am very angry towards her right now. She is very beautiful, and I'm no slouch but most people that saw us probably though "she's out of his league" and, whether or not it's true, that's how I feel she is thinking right now. I feel this way too. About most everything you said. But the one thing I have learned from this site and going back over my RS, is that it was not out of the blue for her. She probably has been wrestling with it for some time. Probably came to terms with it a while before she let you know. Sucks I know, but that's how it works, at least from what I have learned... So, next time be hyper-vigilant about subtle clues and warning signs. I know I will be. I am not getting blasted like this again. That's fo sho!!!
crederer Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 The signs were there. And we talked about it a few times. I asked her why she's been so distant, and she reassured me that it was due to her depression and had zero to do with me. She said this happens to her time to time and it will pass. I said that I can't hang on forever hoping she'll turn around, she started crying and begged me not to dump her cause I mean so much to her. Then like 3 weeks later she dumped me. A metaphore I can compare it to is like being pushed into very cold water. If you're expecting it, it's not as harsh but when it's a surprise it's like you cant even stand it.
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 Yeah, it's a bunch of suck, that's for sure!! I guess all we can do is learn and if/when it happens again, be pro-active. Sounds like you tried, but maybe next time just bounce anyway, no matter what she says. That's what I'm going to do. Got to look out for numero uno. Sad, but necessary!! 1
crederer Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 Yah looking back I wish I ended it right there for my own sake. But I loved her so damn much I couldn't do it.
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 Yah looking back I wish I ended it right there for my own sake. But I loved her so damn much I couldn't do it. Isn't it a bitch??
Author youngnlove89 Posted May 11, 2013 Author Posted May 11, 2013 Feeling great! I am happy today. Spending the weekend with my mom, I got her beautiful flowers, a big balloon and I'm taking her out to dinner and a movie tonight. I love her. I'm just very happy. I think I was so consumed by the hurt my ex caused me, that I forgot what it was like to be happy. It just didn't feel good to be around him anymore. So toxic. My ex gave me nothing to miss. Nothing. Maybe that's why it's so easy? Thanks for all the great advice and a kick in the butt when I needed it most. All of you are so great and I appreciate it!!! LS is the reason I got through it!
KatZee Posted May 11, 2013 Posted May 11, 2013 My ex gave me nothing to miss. Nothing. Maybe that's why it's so easy? LS is the reason I got through it! Easy. It's great that you're feeling great but you're in no way, shape or form over this. You haven't really gotten through it yet. You're what? A week NC now? I say this because I've followed every.single.thread. you've posted on here. This is how your cycle goes. I want to see a month NC. Two months. Three months. I want to see posts on how you're taking up new hobbies, and making new friends. Really living life. 1
Author youngnlove89 Posted May 11, 2013 Author Posted May 11, 2013 Easy. It's great that you're feeling great but you're in no way, shape or form over this. You haven't really gotten through it yet. You're what? A week NC now? I say this because I've followed every.single.thread. you've posted on here. This is how your cycle goes. I want to see a month NC. Two months. Three months. I want to see posts on how you're taking up new hobbies, and making new friends. Really living life. Okay you got it. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 Got through it? Sorry, but you are nowhere near 'through it'. Don't kid yourself... Take time to deal with your feelings and heal properly. Do not rush this. It will bite you on the ass!!!
Author youngnlove89 Posted May 12, 2013 Author Posted May 12, 2013 Got through it? Sorry, but you are nowhere near 'through it'. Don't kid yourself... Take time to deal with your feelings and heal properly. Do not rush this. It will bite you on the ass!!! You realize I have been going through this for 18 months, right?
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 12, 2013 Posted May 12, 2013 Well, from what it reads like you have been torturing yourself for 18 months with breadcrumbs, booty calls and other crap and only just begun to really heal and work your way through this. They are not the same thing... I do wish you good luck however, and Kat is right. The next posts from you should be about your NC progress over the next six months. And, please don't just jump into another RS. Take time to process this correctly. It's hard but it is also necessary. Good luck!! 1
Author youngnlove89 Posted May 12, 2013 Author Posted May 12, 2013 (edited) Right, it's always easy to dish advice...rather than to take it. I appreciate the advice. But we were off and on for that long. I have been going through this for so long now that it feels normal. This wasn't like a great relationship that I had for 2 years and all of a sudden it's gone. This has been a slow burning candle. It's been such an exhausting ride that I'm relieved I'm reaching the end of it. I just thought people would be happy for me that I'm feeling happy every day without him. Not that people would be doubting my feelings. That sucks. It's nice to wake up feeling okay every day and going to sleep without him on your mind. I have never reached that level yet. Anyways... Today, I woke up feeling good. He still lingers in my thoughts and life, but I don't have the anxiety I used to get from it or the stomach churning feeling thinking about him with other people. Basically, I just feel like nothing when I think of him. The only thing I still wonder about is why he hasn't contacted me. Which is why I know I'm not 100% indifferent. And I'm still on here venting about it. So yes, I do have a long road ahead, but I feel like I'm off to a good start. I think it's mainly my ego talking. I want to be missed. I want to be somebody's somebody. I want to be loved, thought of, remembered. I have no proof that I am and my ego is wounded. That's all. I sincerely, at this point, KNOW that I wouldn't take him back. I keep reminding myself of all the horrible things our "relationship" faulted. How he had offered me nothing but a lie. How he didn't treat me the way I should be treated. How there is no future for us. It's boring, dull. He was stressful, he hurt me every time I had to go home, he didn't shelter my needs or love me the way I deserved to be. That's what I use to keep moving forward. And if I can wake up every morning feeling more than okay, feeling great enough to go out and have fun, join a gym, take a nice walk, spend the weekend with my family, belt a real laugh, prosper a real smile, go to work with a smile on my face and come home and be able to peacefully fall asleep without hurt or pain; then I'll be more than happy to take that without having to ask why I feel this way or if it's right or normal or even having to get the validation from others. Edited May 12, 2013 by youngnlove89
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Right, it's always easy to dish advice...rather than to take it. I appreciate the advice. But we were off and on for that long. I have been going through this for so long now that it feels normal. This wasn't like a great relationship that I had for 2 years and all of a sudden it's gone. This has been a slow burning candle. It's been such an exhausting ride that I'm relieved I'm reaching the end of it. I just thought people would be happy for me that I'm feeling happy every day without him. Not that people would be doubting my feelings. That sucks. It's nice to wake up feeling okay every day and going to sleep without him on your mind. I have never reached that level yet. Anyways... Today, I woke up feeling good. He still lingers in my thoughts and life, but I don't have the anxiety I used to get from it or the stomach churning feeling thinking about him with other people. Basically, I just feel like nothing when I think of him. The only thing I still wonder about is why he hasn't contacted me. Which is why I know I'm not 100% indifferent. And I'm still on here venting about it. So yes, I do have a long road ahead, but I feel like I'm off to a good start. I think it's mainly my ego talking. I want to be missed. I want to be somebody's somebody. I want to be loved, thought of, remembered. I have no proof that I am and my ego is wounded. That's all. I sincerely, at this point, KNOW that I wouldn't take him back. I keep reminding myself of all the horrible things our "relationship" faulted. How he had offered me nothing but a lie. How he didn't treat me the way I should be treated. How there is no future for us. It's boring, dull. He was stressful, he hurt me every time I had to go home, he didn't shelter my needs or love me the way I deserved to be. That's what I use to keep moving forward. And if I can wake up every morning feeling more than okay, feeling great enough to go out and have fun, join a gym, take a nice walk, spend the weekend with my family, belt a real laugh, prosper a real smile, go to work with a smile on my face and come home and be able to peacefully fall asleep without hurt or pain; then I'll be more than happy to take that without having to ask why I feel this way or if it's right or normal or even having to get the validation from others. Cool beans!!! I think the only reason people are concerned and doubtful, is you have shared every intimate aspect of your RS and BU in great detail... So, when you state you are miraculously feeling one way after post after post after post of feeling a different way, it is a little confusing and doubtful of the reality of the situation. No one wants to see you fall or relapse again. Again, I, and most of us truly wish you a complete and speedy recovery. Good luck 1
Author youngnlove89 Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 Thanks Mtbike Another morning today. I woke up tired, but emotionally intact. I had a dream about him saying he loved me and all that. I know I'll still dream about him because I seek closure, even though there is no such thing as closure. The dreams don't bother me that much anymore. I know how to shake it. It's almost like I knew it was just a dream while I was dreaming it. I'm doing fine. Still angry. More angry at myself than anything. He still isn't someone I want to be with. I know I deserve better. Every day I remind myself how bad he was for me, how toxic our relationship was. Overall, I'm hurt, but healing. I'm surviving without him.
KatZee Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Good. Just know its a long road. S.hit, just yesterday I had a setback and I'm one year + into my NC. Ugh! Lol
GI_Joy Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Glad to hear you're doing well, youngnlove. Well I'm a over a month NC and there's already someone pursuing me hardcore...I don't even know what to make of it right now...Roses and wine, suit and tie, even a guitar serenade, all on the first date. and now he wants to cook me dinner tomorrow. What is this life?
Author youngnlove89 Posted May 13, 2013 Author Posted May 13, 2013 Katzee: Really? What happened? How did you get over the bump in the road? GI Joy: That's nice! Just go along with it, no pressure. If it doesn't work out, at least you had a good time and a gentleman to share it with. You are lucky.
KatZee Posted May 13, 2013 Posted May 13, 2013 Freakin' the one thing I was most sad about was losing my ex's family. It is such a tight knit group, so loving, caring, fun...a lot of people my age and close in age and we went on family vacations and our group was always the life of the party and his dad is such a Don and commanded attention and respect everywhere and we always had the best of the best and it was always the greatest time. I'm friends with a girl on fb who dated one of my ex's cousins. And they broke up like 2 years ago. Just yesterday I see that they got back together!! Now she's back in "the family" and I just became so envious. Why not me? Why can't I ever have my happy ever after? Why am I AGAIN the only one cast aside and ostracized? Why can't I FOR ONCE in my life ever be given something I want so bad? I always feel like such an exile in all situations. His father would always call me part of the family and then it's like you're dumped, not only by the person you loved but by everyone else you became close to as well. I knew something was up a couple months ago when she wished members of the family a happy birthday on fb with xoxo. Meanwhile did she wish me one? Nope. So what's always so wrong with ME? So I saw her fb had pics of her again boyfriend up, statuses about how you can search and search but what you want is right in front of you and how she's falling in love all over again... I was just gutted. I obviously had to block her on fb just as I've done to all other member of his family/friends. I had to keep saying to myself over and over how my ex isn't and was never good for me. That we never had anything real and that her situation is completely different from mine, but it still hurt none the less. It just sucks.
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