KansasChica Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 So, I've been seeing this guy for like 3 months now, but have known him for about a year. He's extremely active and driven with work- he meets people all the time (attractive women, which I'm not going to lie, makes me a little anxious.) I try not to be too judgmental though, because I have a lot of good guy friends as well. When we're together, he acts like he likes me a lot... he even mentioned once that he wanted to at least talk to me every day. But I feel like if I don't text or call him first, he makes no effort. I've been getting a lot of mixed messages... so I asked him yesterday "are we together? What are we?" He seemed almost insulted that I asked. He responded that he didn't even think that it needed a conversation- that we were together His facebook still says single and he takes FOREVER to respond to texts or messages. Like hours... if he's hanging out with friends, it's like I'm not a priority. I don't think he's had many relationships and I don't have a TON of dating experience. A couple long-term relationships where there was no doubt that we were together and no doubt that they wanted to be with me- especially in the first 4 months or so of dating. I don't want to seem insecure and keep pressing him, but I'm definitely feeling insecure about this whole thing. I'm really trying to be the cool girl in all this and not making a big deal, but I don't know what else to do. My last relationship ended very badly when my ex and I never communicated and he blew up in resentment and broke up with me unexpectedly. I like this guy, I really like being with him and I think he's a good person. He tells me that he feels that I'm stand-offish a lot and he just mirrors me, but I don't feel like I'm like that at all. Ugh, I'm just frustrated. Any advice? Thanks in advance!
Treasa Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Actions speak louder than words. Stop asking him what you are. Stop trying to be the cool girl. Be the authentic you, and behave as your true gut feelings instruct you. I wouldn't be contacting this guy, but that's just because I'm tired of nonsense. I don't need it, and I'm not going to put up with it, you know? 1
GI_Joy Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Relationships shouldn't be the source of your anxiety, even though that is sadly common in many relationships today. Treasa is right, it isn't worth the anxiety. You even have experienced yourself the kind of relationship where you don't have a doubt that you guys are together. Asking him to define the relationship basically is setting him up to make the relationship be on his terms, and if your gut instinct is telling you that he seems less committed than you are then your gut instinct is probably right. It's up to you whether you want your commitment to match his, but one thing for sure is that it feels miserable when the other person is less committed than you are. 1
Author KansasChica Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 Yeah, we've had sex for about a month now. I thought that I needed a guy that had his own life and I had mine. My last relationship was so enmeshed that we completely lost sight of our own selves. Ugh
GI_Joy Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Yeah, we've had sex for about a month now. I thought that I needed a guy that had his own life and I had mine. My last relationship was so enmeshed that we completely lost sight of our own selves. Ugh Well now you realize the lesson you can learn from your last relationship--getting enmeshed results in losing yourself to the relationship, and now you are at that point where you might be about to make the same mistake again. The only difference between then and now is that you can change the path. You don't have to lose yourself in this relationship but I'm getting the feeling that you are starting to again, given the fact that you are focused on how he views the relationship. Remove the focus on what he thinks and bring that focus back to yourself, because if you don't, history will repeat itself...
Divasu Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 The criteria that I usually follow: Is there a willingness to spend time together Is there a willingness to talk openly about the relationship Is there a willingness to address matters of the heart and concerns If those things are missing or the person is hesitating, something is off.
soccerrprp Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Is there a willingness to spend time together. I have to admit that this has been an issue for me and a point of angst for myself and past friends. I really would like to, but being a single dad, it is tricky and difficult. But all three are very important, Divasu. VERY IMPORTANT.
Divasu Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I have to admit that this has been an issue for me and a point of angst for myself and past friends. I really would like to, but being a single dad, it is tricky and difficult. But all three are very important, Divasu. VERY IMPORTANT. Oh I'm sure that must be challenging. Being a single parent is a whole other ball of wax...Children should always be a number one priority. I'm glad to hear that is the case for you. A willingness to spend time together, I meant, putting forth effort to prioritize so that you can do both. It would be important to you and thus you would be motivated to do it. Now, sometimes that takes 'prompting' by the person who is asking, in this case: What are we?"He seemed almost insulted that I asked". Exit 'willingness', enter 'dismissal'. :/
Author KansasChica Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 Yeah, I'm starting to really get the vibe that I'm just a fun chick to hang with- although I did meet his family recently. I just don't think he's really ready to part with singledom yet. We're the same age (early 30s) and have a lot in common. When he's with me, he seems really into me- very tender and sweet. I just don't get that feeling that he's on the same page with me. I'm looking for something serious and I'm not sure he is.
Author KansasChica Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 Not to be insulting but you have a life outside of the relationship? Do you have hobbies, go out with friends etc. Also stop contacting him and see if he contacts you. Oh yeah, I stay very busy during the week with sports and whatnot (separate from him). That's one reason I really liked him- he had his own life, own activities and friends. But, I'm just starting to feel like the longer we date, the more I'd like to hang out with the exception of once or twice a week. Especially when we live 10 minutes apart.
Author KansasChica Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 Are you communicating the issues during this time or are you doing this through email, facebook or texting? Well, a little of both. I try to bring up things (like asking what we were) in person, but I've been texting some issues as well (which I know isn't the best). It's hard when I see him so infrequently- I just don't want to risk anything, but I know I need to express more.
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