Standing_Firm Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 ...........after a long separation. What to do?? Have not posted in a while......heres the story. Have been separated from my wife of 20 years since July of last year. I know that this has been tough on both of us, but I have made some incredibly poor choices during this separation and had let alcohol rule my life for a time . The divorce proceedings have been started and are proceeding slowly. Well, we are both seeing a counselor (the same counselor) and during my session last night, she indicated to me that my wife does NOT want a divorce. She indicated that it only takes one to change in order for the other spouse/partner to come about. That just sounds odd to me. Do we both not have to work on ourselves then the relationship? For the record, I don't want a divorce either. Based upon my counselor's recommendations, I have redoubled my efforts to be the man that she married 20 years ago. The alcohol use has stopped, the tobacco use has stopped; just trying to clean things up right now. There will have to be changes on her part as well, but maybe that will come with my attitude and behavior change. And the change would be changing back to who I used to be. My counselor has indicated that I should tell her that I love her (I still do), send her an occasional card, maybe flowers (I did send her flowers for Mother's Day)..........my biggest concern is that I don't want to sound too needy and wanting to get back together today!! Would that be a sign of weakness?? Know it is too soon for that right now............ Advice would be greatly appreciated!!
Tom amoss Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Oh that sounds like heaven. If it were me I would write a poem, or quote one, Even right a letter, flowers, send something, anything romantic. Get her back mate, I really hope you do. Tom
Act Two Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 This is so nice to read! I was starting to feel like jumping off a bridge after reading this forum too much and it's nice to read your post and story of hope. I agree with you in not coming on too strong with gestures- maybe a few here and there. The big key will be in demonstrating the changes you have made in yourself. Actions speak way louder than words! Best wishes to you!!
Deerhunter Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 That's fantastic! Also congratulations on your sobriety. Don't rush into anything. Date for a while and also attend counseling together. Hurt and anger will take over unless both of you can forgive and wipe the slate clean. What happened yesterday is gone. What happens tomorrow is up to you both. Good luck and I wish you both a happy lifetime together.
Author Standing_Firm Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 Thanks to all for the responses. It is appreciated. We are still communicating via text and she occasionally comes over to the apartment to see me so I guess that is a good sign. I have also been sending her a message every morning wishing her a good day, nothing more. Just want her to know that I am thinking of her. As previously indicated, I do NOT want to come accross as needy, don't want to push her away. I am going to have to prove with my words and actions that we can get back to the way things used to be. My biggest struggle has been being alone. After spending 20 years with the same woman and a house full of kids........then being thrust into a single lifestyle......is still pretty brutal sometimes. Have not slept good since July Lol.........
Mr. Lucky Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Thanks to all for the responses. It is appreciated. We are still communicating via text and she occasionally comes over to the apartment to see me so I guess that is a good sign. I have also been sending her a message every morning wishing her a good day, nothing more. Just want her to know that I am thinking of her. As previously indicated, I do NOT want to come accross as needy, don't want to push her away. I am going to have to prove with my words and actions that we can get back to the way things used to be. My biggest struggle has been being alone. After spending 20 years with the same woman and a house full of kids........then being thrust into a single lifestyle......is still pretty brutal sometimes. Have not slept good since July Lol......... Standing_Firm, there's a separate forum on LoveShack for reconciliations called "Second Chances". You may get more responses from people in similar situations there... Mr. Lucky
thomashome Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Good for you!!! I am almost similar situation like you. We have been separated for six weeks now. My husband believes I have anger issue, (I think he has as well) there are a lot of issues between us, but he is really focusd on my anger, thinks this is a real problem. He filed a divorce six week ago, we both have lawyers. I don't want to divorce, even though I told so while in our arguments in the past. (so my lawyer sent an email to his lawyer about reconciling plans to see if he is interested in) in his lawyers response, He is not in rush to divorce right now, but also not interested in reconciliation right now. But he wants a division and custody in a order through lawyers, not in court yet. My question is how your wife changed mind from a divorce to reconciliation. Great news to you!! I got advise from friends and my sister, that I need to focus on myself and my son now, and be strong. I might think about going IC now I had a therapist and went for over one year, not much helpful. So want to choose a really good one this time. did you say you have same counselor for both of you? But going individually? How good is it? I guess you have a real good success experience that i would want to learn Thanks!
Author Standing_Firm Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 Well, here is an update........ Just talked to my attorney a couple of minutes ago and he indicated that she wants alimony for the next 10 years!! Child support, yes until my children come of age. But alimony for 10 years??? Why would she tell our counselor, my parents, some of our friends that she does not want this divorce? And I get this information....... I am willing to work on this but it appears that she is not. Just don't get it. Pretty frustrated right now..........
Act Two Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 My understanding is that alimony is based on the number of years you were married and income differences. So I get alimony for 1 year of every 4 years I was married (I should know this offhand but don't). I thought it was pretty much a formula- she can want all she wants but it might boil down to the years you were married.
thomashome Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 Standing, Sorry to hear that! It is difficult situation, but overall, in my humble opinion, you both going to counseling and communicating each other consistently is good sign tho. To me you guys have still hope for reconciliation. Seems your wife doesn't commit to a marriage 100% yet.
Author Standing_Firm Posted May 9, 2013 Author Posted May 9, 2013 Standing, Sorry to hear that! It is difficult situation, but overall, in my humble opinion, you both going to counseling and communicating each other consistently is good sign tho. To me you guys have still hope for reconciliation. Seems your wife doesn't commit to a marriage 100% yet. The way that it has been described to me by several professionals is that she wants the benefits of a marriage while doing what she wants. Maybe I was too easy during our marriage. ALWAYS catered to her needs. Breakfast in bed, her water needed refilling (did it when I noticed it was half empty), ALWAYS opened doors for her, etc. Did I say some horrible things to her, yes! But when you are acting 20 and not 40, was it not in my right as her husband of 20 years to object to some of the life changes she was making? I still want her back, but today has been a huge punch in the gut for me ......
123pgjes Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 I feel for you mate, there is a few punches that rattle you to the core. I had a similar situation, filed in court to see kids and sell home. First court date she followed me round the court room wanting to speak to me. After a month of pussy footing around I filed. She now is a bt rattled and does not know what to do. I too built an empire round my wife, did everything. Sadly for her she maybe only now realizes what she lost. Stand firm, don't be a prick, but stand your ground and better yourself as you have been doing. I think there is light at the end of the tunnel for you. Hold on, and take it a day a a time.
ver13 Posted May 10, 2013 Posted May 10, 2013 Just do it she has had your back for quite awhile really your whole family has, you just couldn't see them standing there. But now you can so do something about and get back in that house they need you there. You will never be the man that walked out the door. Now it's time for the new you to get to know everybody. God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And wisdom to know the difference.
Author Standing_Firm Posted May 10, 2013 Author Posted May 10, 2013 Just do it she has had your back for quite awhile really your whole family has, you just couldn't see them standing there. But now you can so do something about and get back in that house they need you there. You will never be the man that walked out the door. Now it's time for the new you to get to know everybody. God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And wisdom to know the difference. I say that prayer every morning!! Has a LOT of meaning for me. As far as getting back into the house, that really is up to her. Sadly, in the past, there have been a couple of occasions where I had been drunk and it scared her pretty good. Nothing physical happened, but how can I take care of my family when I can't even take care of myself. Anyway, that is history and hopefully she sees that i am and have been working on it. Our counselor is optimistic that we can get the ship righted, but it may take time. I do NOT want this divorce to go through and based upon what she has been telling our counselor and others, she does not want it either. Time will tell. Right now, I HAVE to focus on myself, keep doing the right thing, and proceed as if she is going to move forward. As of today, have not heard anything about stopping the divorce. I will keep my fingers crossed.
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