Mycatsnuggles Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I want to stop seeing my OM I have every reason to for both of us, really the reasons are not necessary. The problem is despite all logic I don't want to stop seeing him and neither does he.. I know I am being used for sex, as I am using him for the same. I'm aware our feelings of great love and friendship are deluded by the very nature of the affair. I realize a discover would end my M and probably end his, it would certainly cause great pain, I want to rebuild my M and with my other around my feelings will never be able to open up to H. But honestly, I want what I have with OM . It's very good, even with LC I still enjoy our time. How did you make yourself quit?
Goodbye Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I think you need to take a long hard look at what you are doing and decide if it is the right thing to do. Is it going to enhance your life, his life, your marriage, his marriage in the long run? If you make the decision that the costs of the affair outweigh the benefits, it is time to just rip the bandaid off, go NC and grieve the loss. It sounds like you have a marriage you would like to work on. You can focus on that while you recover. 1
who_am_i Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I want to stop seeing my OM I have every reason to for both of us, really the reasons are not necessary. The problem is despite all logic I don't want to stop seeing him and neither does he.. I know I am being used for sex, as I am using him for the same. I'm aware our feelings of great love and friendship are deluded by the very nature of the affair. I realize a discover would end my M and probably end his, it would certainly cause great pain, I want to rebuild my M and with my other around my feelings will never be able to open up to H. But honestly, I want what I have with OM . It's very good, even with LC I still enjoy our time. How did you make yourself quit? You wrote 7 lines and in those 7 lines managed to contradict yourself 6 times...that should say it all. I did the same thing...still do even after its over. It's the nature of the relationship. In an average relationship you would never tolerate someone spending time with you just for sex, but for some reason in an affair we let ourselves do some crazy things. We convince ourselves that it's something that it's not (in most cases). I didn't want the way that he made me feel when we were together to end, so I made excuse after excuse when we were apart to dull the nagging reality. I've come to the conclusion that initially it made me feel twice as special. Here was this man who already had a wife but was choosing to spend time with me...man, I must be really special for him to take those kind of chances. I wish someone would have yelled...SNAP OUT OF IT! I don't know how long you've been doing this...but I'm here to tell you that it doesn't get better. The excuses will become more elaborate and your expectations will lessen along with your self esteem. And contrary to what you think or want to believe....it will end and it will suck! Do yourself a favor and quit now. Trust me...you'll be happier later. 4
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 What you have with your mm is a fantasy within the bubble which will explode once it all comes to light. I understand that you want what you have with your mm and maybe in a different universe that could have happened, but not while you are in marriages with other people. You be the one to stop it. As hard as it might be right now, down the road you will be so glad you did. You have to be the one to walk away. I wish so badly I had done that. 1
Sarabi Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I want to stop seeing my OM I have every reason to for both of us, really the reasons are not necessary. The problem is despite all logic I don't want to stop seeing him and neither does he.. And therein lies the problem...in spite of what people say, its really not that EASY to stop you know! I'm aware our feelings of great love and friendship are deluded by the very nature of the affair.I don't know really. I would say I love my MM. My friend told me that because he his not single, whether he is in love or not is irrelevant because he is not free anyway... Only YOU know your feelings madam. No one can tell you its not real love or its not proper etc. they are YOUR feelings. I realize a discover would end my M and probably end his, it would certainly cause great pain, I want to rebuild my M and with my other around my feelings will never be able to open up to H. I don't mean this rudely in any way, but the two of you are very greedy (don't worry, I told my MM this once, twice...or even three times upon a time) Do you know how many of us singletons are itching for someone...just ONE person to love and care for us ? And we don't even get that...but you have two(LOL!) In some ways I really envy that people like you have another relationship to fall back on, you are lucky...I don't think it would be easy for you or your husband in any way...but I don't know. If you read my earlier posts you know I have a very idealistic view of relationships...(i.e. its perfect, people are blissfully happy, they are not lonely, people are so supportive of each other etc.). So in my mind...I assume that if you end it with your MM, you will go back to your husband and you might be sad a little...but you still have your husband and you carry on with your beautiful life But honestly, I want what I have with OM . It's very good, even with LC I still enjoy our time. How did you make yourself quit?I know how you feel. Its not easy man! Its wrong but you want it. It feels good but you want it. Like an addiction didn't make myself quit. He said something unexpected...we stopped talking...then he revoked it and started talking but anyway...he has gone away with his wife on a lovely holiday ...and now I am applying for another job and might have to move myself from that region of the country so...in time, I will be able to come to you guys and tell you that by moving away from him, that was how I mande myself quit. That will be me going COLD TURKEY 1
Author Mycatsnuggles Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 S - this is true OM once said to me I have 2 men who love me. It is nice. It also hurts because I don't allow myself to be whole with H because OM has my heart. Today I'm mad at them both! And each one is feeling my anger... Grrr
Goodbye Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 S - this is true OM once said to me I have 2 men who love me. It is nice. It also hurts because I don't allow myself to be whole with H because OM has my heart. Today I'm mad at them both! And each one is feeling my anger... Grrr So maybe you need a third man? Sorry, just had to say it. 1
Sarabi Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 S - this is true OM once said to me I have 2 men who love me. It is nice. It also hurts because I don't allow myself to be whole with H because OM has my heart. Today I'm mad at them both! And each one is feeling my anger... Grrr Its hard...it honestly is really really hard Fighting with the feelings of love...and being mad at them at the same time. its infuriating and upsetting...but sometimes when its fine everything feels right with the world ... 1
whichwayisup Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Great love "in an affair setting". It's not like you and this MM have lived a lifetime of memories and sharing. What you have with him is intense, based on sexual and feelings -Again, IN an affair setting, where everything is safe and fun, no outside world to interfer or be tested. You get all the good stuff, the fun and laughs, sex etc.. Not the bad moods, in laws, daily routine, illness, kids, money issues, etc,,etc. You two see one another at your best! Yet, you don't want to divorce. You want to reconnect with your husband. It's absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to do while you're still having an affair or having LC with your MM. My suggestion is (and you won't like it) tell your husband the truth. It'll for sure put an end to your A and shake things up, enough that possibly your H loves you more than you realize and he'll want to give you the opportunity to fix things, to be trustworthy again so your marriage can be stronger and more intimate. You can't have it both ways. One or the other. I mean, sooner or later you will have a Dday. 1
whichwayisup Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 S - this is true OM once said to me I have 2 men who love me. It is nice. It also hurts because I don't allow myself to be whole with H because OM has my heart. Today I'm mad at them both! And each one is feeling my anger... Grrr It's not just about you. OK, sorry I thought you were with a MM, not (single)OM. Advice still applies to my previous post to you. Why are you mad at them both? And do you think it's fair to take it out on your husband and your OM? Take a giant step back, clear your head because this is not a good or healthy place you're in right now. Your H may suspect, or even know on some level something ain't right with you. IF he came right out and asked you if you are having an affair, would you tell him the truth or deny and lie?
Praying4Peace Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Great love "in an affair setting". It's not like you and this MM have lived a lifetime of memories and sharing. What you have with him is intense, based on sexual and feelings -Again, IN an affair setting, where everything is safe and fun, no outside world to interfer or be tested. You get all the good stuff, the fun and laughs, sex etc.. Not the bad moods, in laws, daily routine, illness, kids, money issues, etc,,etc. You two see one another at your best! . This is so not true. And I've been married over a decade and have a bunch of kiddos too. I can compare the different types of knowing each other and you'd be surprised- you go through a lot together but its on this type of 'hyperspeed' setting that doesn't exist in the real relationship world. Like dog years? One affair year feels like 5 normal years. But then again I saw him everyday and spent every waking moment in communication.
GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 When you figure out the answer... tell me. I know all the why's. I've read all the stories. I'm completely and utterly sure of all the terrible, awful ways it could end- yet I stay in it because walking away from him seems impossible right now. But, I, like you-- deep down-- know better and deep down-- should want to quit. I was M when I started my A-- and I did end up coming to clean to my xH. IF your intention is to stay married- I do agree with some people here on coming clean to your H.. only because it WILL be the only true way you can open yourself back up to the possibility of starting over with him and trying to make your M work. Either way, good luck! 1
georgia girl Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 MCS, I'm sorry if I am getting this wrong, but isn't his wife expecting? It's relevant here because I think the impetus to quit and not do any more damage to either M is critical for all four (five) of you. There isn't really an outcome that you've envisioned - as you've stated before - where you and MM get together publicly. So, you risk falling even deeper and getting caught each day. And each day that goes by without getting caught only statistically increases the risk that you will get caught. I would say that it's time to stop and focus on your M. Let him focus on his. You two are currently driving a bus at 100 MPH towards a brick wall and you've got two (three) other riders on there with you. I don't think you want the outcome this is going to bring, by the way you post. I realize it must be excruciatingly hard, but for the sake of everyone, it may be time to take that step. Hugs. I know this will hurt incredibly.
missy268 Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 It's such a big decision to have to make , but to walk away, sometimes is the best thing ever Me and my AP were not married, he was in a long term relationship, i walked away because i got fed up of lots of things. We haven't spoken for a while now, i'll admit it, i miss him, but we were bad for each other xx
GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted May 9, 2013 Posted May 9, 2013 So, any luck on that answer? my MM texted me yesterday that just said "Are you done with me or something?" (b/c apparently I wasn't looking at him enough at work) and I wish as of today that I would have just responded with "Yes." almost two years and I love him more than he deserves-- and more than anything I wish I would have just said YES yesterday. I hate this. Hope youre doing alright today.
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