cinta_satu Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Good morning! I read this earlier and I wanted to get people's thoughts on this. I do agree with some of the points made here. Just wanted to see what everyone else thought. "During a seminar, a woman asked," How do I know if I am with the right person?" The author then noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so he said, "It depends. Is that your partner?" In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?" Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind replied the author. Here's the answer. Every relationship has a cycle… In the beginning; you fall in love with your partner. You anticipate their calls, want their touch, and like their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love. People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet."Picture the expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something happened TO YOU. Falling in love is a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few months or years of being together, the euphoria of love fades. It's a natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship; you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage. At this point, you and/or your partner might start asking, "Am I with the right person?" And as you reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when relationships breakdown. The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the person you found. People blame their partners for their unhappiness and look outside for fulfillment. Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most common. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your relationship. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this): The key to succeeding in a Relationship is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the Person you found. SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. You have to work on it day in and day out. It takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it demands WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make it work. Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your partner), Just as there are physical laws Of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. If you know how to apply these laws, the results are predictable. Love is therefore a "decision". Not just a feeling. Remember this always: God determines who walks into your life. It is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let GO." 4
crederer Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I've always thought this way about relationships. The author summed it up better for me though. I think men tend to think this way more often than women. Women, in my experience, expect there to be a spark forever, a kind of romantic movie feel for the entirety of the relationship. When the relationship hits a rough patch, it's "is this it? Is this the relationship? I should want to be with him every second, like in the notebook". I'll probably get slagged for that comment.... 2
Author cinta_satu Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 I definitely agree with you. I also think it requires a level of maturity to realize, accept, and understand this. No one is saying you have to fall in love with a random person. The initial act of falling in love is definitely a feeling, but what you decide to do after is up to you. There's always a way to bring back the spark between two people who truly love each other. Although, this is just my opinion.
GI_Joy Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I really like this perspective on love. It really is a decision. So many people chase that "spark", an almost drug-induced type of feeling, and get disappointed when they realize it takes work to actually develop the love. Love isn't easy and it involves accepting the person for who they are. I look at my parents as a prime example of what I want for when I find the person I want to marry. They're not your typical storybook love story. They actually get on each other's nerves all the time. But at the end of the day they still love each other and care about each other. My mom looks past my dad's alcoholism because she knows that my dad still cares about us and provides for us. My dad looks past my mom's short temper and irritability because he feels the same way that she does about him. They may bicker and fight every day, hell, when I was younger they'd threaten to divorce each other from time to time lmao. But at the end of the day, they still love each other. And I saw it there when my mom went into surgery a couple weeks ago. and I saw it there when my dad was admitted to the hospital back in january. Look beyond the imperfections and you find who's truly there for you no matter what.
soccerrprp Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 ♫ ♫ If you can't be with the one ♪ you love, then, honey, love ♪ the one you're with, love the one you're with...♪ ♫ [Crosby Stills & Nash] 1
lonewalker Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Finding and ending up with the person who you will eventually marry... is a PROCESS! Meaning... You will be rejected, date around, date some winners, date some losers, have several long term relationships, go through several break ups, get screwed over, screw people over, have disappointments, have fun, have ups and downs, good days, bad days, make mistakes, learn from your mistakes, adjust your GF / BF picker as you mature and grow, be infatuated several times, fall in "love" (immature and mature versions of "love") several times, have your heart broken several times, break several hearts, become more selective, etc. Your break up and the person who broke up with you are still going the PROCESS above. _________________________________________________________________________ Most of the people who come LoveShack are young (16 - 25 years old)... At that age, you have to take into account that you do not know who you are, what you want, know what love is, have a concept of what forever is / means, etc. and then you have to factor in the lack of life / dating / relationship experience, mental and emotional maturity. Not to mention, that a large majority of people in this age group are just having "fun" and they are not looking for "The One" (which is a myth), marriage or a "forever" relationship. People in this age group can easily flip from having "fun" to thinking they found "The One" back to having "fun" again in 5 minutes due to their maturity level or hell even peer pressure. It is VERY, VERY, VERY rare that you will marry you HS / College Sweetheart, "First Love" or the first several people you have a LTR with. Therefore, almost EVERYONE in that age group will several relationships and experience plenty of break ups. It's been my experience that Love / Marriage / "Forever" Relationships isn't anything like you see in a Disney Movie. There is this false believe that people choose to want "more", look for "The One", want to settle down, want to marry, etc. due to a specific person they are currently dating or in a relationship with. That is not the norm of how it generally works. A person becomes "ready" for that based on a number of factors that has nothing to do with the other person. It's usually due to stuff like age, maturity, where they are on the goals they have achieved, where they are in their career, what people around them are doing, etc. Because of this false belief it's why many of you on here take your break ups so hard. Instead of looking at the situation for what it is... You take the break up VERY, VERY, VERY personal and believe their is either something wrong with you or your Ex. I mean... How dare your Ex not see that you are the best thing in world for them and not want to be with you forever? Nevermind that your Ex was never really looking / thinking / considering a "forever" relationship / marriage / etc. to begin with. I know what you are going to tell me... That you and your Ex were "different", "special", "unique", etc. and the two of you promised it was going to last forever, talked about a wedding, named your kids, etc... Right? Well I hate to break it too you, ever other couple who dates for a period of time does this too and you will have these "type" conversations with several more people who you date for a period of time too. Do not confuse dating / relationships with marriage (till death due us part)! From what I have seen, heard and read on here, it's clear to me that many of you are disillusioned on what dating / relationships are and often times, confuse them with marriage (till death due us part). Many of you fail to recognize where you are and the person you were with is / at in the PROCESS I mention at the top of this post. This may be a little confusing but stick with me... People can be in one or both categories and they can bounce back and forth between the two: 1. People who are having "fun". These people date and enter into a relationship simply because they like the other person, want to be in a relationship, "love" (immature version of "love"), they enjoy the other person, for the fun of it, etc. (a.k.a. Recreational dating / relationships) 2. People who are "courting". These people want and are looking for a potential marriage partner. For them, dating and the relationship is a deliberate process. They see dating and a relationship as the steps that precede an engagement and marriage. They take the position and it's assumed that both parties our under an agreement usually with the hope of marriage. You can start dating someone and enter into a relationship with them strictly for "fun". However, over time and depending on the person you are with, you can shift into "courting" them. Let's use my friends and I as an example... Throughout our 20s we were only "having fun" and never were we "courting" anyone. As you can imagine throughout our 20s quit dating someone or end a long term relationship (some went for years) for all kind of stupid and dumb reasons... most of which we made up. Why did we do that? We were no longer having "fun" or simply wanted to have "fun" with someone else. There was NOTHING wrong with the person we were dating or in relationships with. There was also nothing they could have said or done that was going to get us to stay. It didn't matter if they were "marriage material" or not. We either change our minds on wanting to settle down / get married or we never have any intention of doing so. Through no fault of their own, we were always going to dump them. NOTE: We were not the only people in my late teens / 20s who thought, felt and behaved in this manner. Most everyone I knew dated around, had several long term relationships, etc. that ended. It wasn't just guys who were this way either, I had plenty of female friends who did the exact same thing. Now most of the woman I knew around the age of 25 or so is when they started "courting" people. For my friends and I, it wasn't till our late 20s / early 30s where we were primarily only looking to "courting" people. NOTE: These "courting" relationships could go on for years while we were in the process of determining if the other person was indeed who we wanted to marry. We would end these relationships if we determined they were not who we wanted to marry or relationship stopped progressing. Now having said all of that, there were still times where we took a "time out" from "courting" and just dated / entered into a relationship strictly for "fun" with someone because we wanted / needed to have a little "fun" again. All i can say.. not everyone thinks like u do. Not everyone follow a process due to age. Its simply u and the people around u who does it for fun. Some people dont. People like u exist and people whonr not like u exist too. Its too sterotyped to presume all have the same set of thinking like u.
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I think men tend to think this way more often than women. Women, in my experience, expect there to be a spark forever, a kind of romantic movie feel for the entirety of the relationship. When the relationship hits a rough patch, it's "is this it? Is this the relationship? I should want to be with him every second, like in the notebook". Totally agree with you on this! Sucks for us guys who commit to our woman only to be tossed aside down the road because the 'spark' is gone. What are we to do??
Joyvke Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Totally agree with you on this! Sucks for us guys who commit to our woman only to be tossed aside down the road because the 'spark' is gone. What are we to do?? I wish mine would have thought like that.... I never thrown someone out because of a spark lost (cheating and abuse however..). If I had, my last 2 relations would have ended pretty soon. In both cases my boyfriends were the ones to "lose the spark" whilst everything else was still there. Holding on to some hormones.... I completely agree with the author, you have to learn how to love your partner really. It's a shame for some people (men as well as women) to keep thinking that spark is there forever, it's not or in very rare occasions.
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 CT - I can agree with what your saying. But what about when a couple is in their 30's, dating for almost 2 years and regularly talks of marriage? Then you propose only to be dumped a year later because the 'spark' is gone or they are just not happy anymore. (Yes, this is my story )
andre84 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 CT - I can agree with what your saying. But what about when a couple is in their 30's, dating for almost 2 years and regularly talks of marriage? Then you propose only to be dumped a year later because the 'spark' is gone or they are just not happy anymore. (Yes, this is my story ) That's similar to my story. We dated for almost 3 years and moved across country together... After we had a rough year, she started to feel that the passion was not there. And finally when we broke up she said she just didn't love me the way she should. The thing is that its all about perspective. Once she said she didn't love me, it crushed me. But I knew that no matter what her reasoning was it only mattered that in her head she had already decided that she wanted out. She disliked things about my personality and they were enough that she could not see us together long term. Now these "flaws" she saw in me are things that I can definitely work on and improve but it will have to be with someone new. Near the end of the RS we would get into fights about every little thing, (she would start all the fights near the end) and I told her many times that I felt that she was just looking for things to be wrong. Once someone has decided to move on, its just a matter of time before they do. Sometimes you can drag it for months or even years... But at the end of the day, they will leave.
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 That's similar to my story. We dated for almost 3 years and moved across country together... After we had a rough year, she started to feel that the passion was not there. And finally when we broke up she said she just didn't love me the way she should. The thing is that its all about perspective. Once she said she didn't love me, it crushed me. But I knew that no matter what her reasoning was it only mattered that in her head she had already decided that she wanted out. She disliked things about my personality and they were enough that she could not see us together long term. Now these "flaws" she saw in me are things that I can definitely work on and improve but it will have to be with someone new. Near the end of the RS we would get into fights about every little thing, (she would start all the fights near the end) and I told her many times that I felt that she was just looking for things to be wrong. Once someone has decided to move on, its just a matter of time before they do. Sometimes you can drag it for months or even years... But at the end of the day, they will leave. Wow, it's like looking in a mirror Same thing with me. She realized that our personalities were just incompatible and that we would just split up later if we were to continue. The hard part I have in accepting this is that we were so great together for the first 12-18 months. Then, once we moved across the state, it all started to change. And, like you, she was becoming more and more mean to me. Nasty comments, arguing, etc... I guess she was just looking for an easy way out. So, how do we avoid this in the future. I mean, I would have never seen the way it ended, during the beginning. Very scary to me...
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Unfortunately, that's how the cookie crumbles and you are still going through the PROCESS. Would you rather marry a girl who doesn't want you, have her later cheat on you, divorce you and take half of your crap? Is that really the best you can do? What you deserve? What you want? I don't think so and hopefully you don't either. Brain says 'you're right. 100% correct' Heart says 'you're life is over, fool' I know I will make it through this, but how do I avoid it in the future. This was the first girl I ever wanted to marry and I thought I was going about it correctly. WRONG!!
andre84 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Wow, it's like looking in a mirror Same thing with me. She realized that our personalities were just incompatible and that we would just split up later if we were to continue. The hard part I have in accepting this is that we were so great together for the first 12-18 months. Then, once we moved across the state, it all started to change. And, like you, she was becoming more and more mean to me. Nasty comments, arguing, etc... I guess she was just looking for an easy way out. So, how do we avoid this in the future. I mean, I would have never seen the way it ended, during the beginning. Very scary to me... Right now I feel the same way as you mtnbiker... scared because we also had a great 1.5 year. Everything was perfect and never fought... Everyone around us always thought that we were the perfect couple. But when we moved together across country and we lost a close group of friends then it was just her and I in very close proximity 24/7. We have to believe (for our sake) that those people were not meant to be with us forever and there is someone(multiple ones) out there that are just a better match. I do feel that my ex and I were almost compatible enough to make it work... But maybe we were missing that extra .0001% necessary. I think my worst enemy right now is me. I am someone that lives by timelines... I set all these expectations about where I should be at any given age in terms of my professional career and personal life. I'm a few months from 29 and next year I'll be 30... I thought I was 2 years away from starting a family and now my whole plan went out the window. I have to start over and I'm scared because I'm not someone that loves to date... I have a bad habit of over anylizing everything and everyone. If I find a flaw in someone that would tell me I don't want to marry someone like that... then I don't even give them a chance. Needless to say it took me a long time to find my ex, so now I'm scared of how long until I find a "better" match. I know a lot of this is in my head and I need to stop setting all these expectations but its just part of who I am... I'm working on it.
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Right now I feel the same way as you mtnbiker... scared because we also had a great 1.5 year. Everything was perfect and never fought... Everyone around us always thought that we were the perfect couple. But when we moved together across country and we lost a close group of friends then it was just her and I in very close proximity 24/7. We have to believe (for our sake) that those people were not meant to be with us forever and there is someone(multiple ones) out there that are just a better match. I do feel that my ex and I were almost compatible enough to make it work... But maybe we were missing that extra .0001% necessary. I think my worst enemy right now is me. I am someone that lives by timelines... I set all these expectations about where I should be at any given age in terms of my professional career and personal life. I'm a few months from 29 and next year I'll be 30... I thought I was 2 years away from starting a family and now my whole plan went out the window. I have to start over and I'm scared because I'm not someone that loves to date... I have a bad habit of over anylizing everything and everyone. If I find a flaw in someone that would tell me I don't want to marry someone like that... then I don't even give them a chance. Needless to say it took me a long time to find my ex, so now I'm scared of how long until I find a "better" match. I know a lot of this is in my head and I need to stop setting all these expectations but its just part of who I am... I'm working on it. Yeah, I used to think our problems were largely based on the whole lack of friends thing too. We were each others only form of support for a long time in this new town. We did everything together (sure does suck now being alone!) But I realize it is deeper than that, and friends or no friends we would still not have made it. I think we were just different people. I am 10 years older than her, and while I want to settle down and plant roots, she is not ready for that yet. She may have thought she was, but soon realized she wasn't (at least not with me:() As for your timelines. Be careful with that. I mean, say you achieve what you want? Is that going to offer you some happiness? Are you going to throw a party? Probably not. But, say you don't achieve what you want? You are going to feel like a failure to some degree. And life is too unpredictable. I would just go with it and not worry about this age or that age. Look at me, I'm 41 and heartbroken like a 15 year old school girl. Think this what I thought I would be going through at this point in my life? Nope! But it's what I've got to deal with. I could just beat myself up by saying "c'mon you douche bag, what's wrong with you? Why can't you get your crap together? You're too old for this crap..." But I'm not going to do that. It is what it is, and I'm just trying to learn the lesson this experience is trying to teach me. That's all I can do
andre84 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Very well said. And yes I actually meant to say what you said. The lack of friends when we moved just made it clear that it wasn't meant to be. Had we stayed back and never moved we would have probably lasted longer but the end result would have been the same. And yes I completely know that timelines are not productive when you are talking about your personal life. You actually used the phrase that I'm trying to live by now... "It is what it is". That sums it up... I have to understand that things happen and sometimes they are out of my control. All I can do is to keep on trucking!
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Very well said. And yes I actually meant to say what you said. The lack of friends when we moved just made it clear that it wasn't meant to be. Had we stayed back and never moved we would have probably lasted longer but the end result would have been the same. And yes I completely know that timelines are not productive when you are talking about your personal life. You actually used the phrase that I'm trying to live by now... "It is what it is". That sums it up... I have to understand that things happen and sometimes they are out of my control. All I can do is to keep on trucking! Are you like me then? Alone in a new city? I am only 4 hours from my home, but it might as well be 40 hours. Just seems different now when I go back to visit... I feel like I don't belong here, and what I left behind has changed so much. Not sure what I should do now. My therapist calls this a 'transition'
KatZee Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Great post CT. You're new here but you have great insight on relationships. I just wish guys wouldn't drag us along for years when they have no intention of following through! Wish I could meet someone as straightforward as you! 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I just wish guys wouldn't drag us along for years when they have no intention of following through Hey, you ladies do this to!!! My ex did it so she wouldn't be alone. Just waiting for something better, and all And I'm the opposite. If I make it through to 'years' then I'm not going anywhere. Wish you ladies would learn to stick around when you lose that 'spark' =)
KatZee Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Hey, you ladies do this to!!! My ex did it so she wouldn't be alone. Just waiting for something better, and all And I'm the opposite. If I make it through to 'years' then I'm not going anywhere. Wish you ladies would learn to stick around when you lose that 'spark' =) Hey, you guys do this too!!! My ex dumped me because the "spark" was gone. If I'm with someone for years, I make sure to work on keeping the spark alive!
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Hey, you guys do this too!!! My ex dumped me because the "spark" was gone. If I'm with someone for years, I make sure to work on keeping the spark alive! Well, there ya have it. Someone, at some point is going to lose that 'spark' I guess it all comes down to what happens next. If you both love each other, you will survive. If one wants out, for whatever reason, it's over. Sad
andre84 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Are you like me then? Alone in a new city? I am only 4 hours from my home, but it might as well be 40 hours. Just seems different now when I go back to visit... I feel like I don't belong here, and what I left behind has changed so much. Not sure what I should do now. My therapist calls this a 'transition' Yes I moved from Dallas, TX to Seattle, WA to be closer to her family. (I ended up getting a good job out here so it made the decision easier) I know like 3 people that I hang out on weekends but I wouldn't say they are "friends". Just people I go out to bars with. But I'm actually flying down tomorrow for an interview in Dallas and I'm looking to move back. Thankfuly I have a big network of friends in Dallas still and my parents live there as well so I figured its better than staying here alone. If you don't have the option to move back or it wouldnt make a difference, then I would say to join as many clubs as possible. I joined a volleyball league a little while back and it helped me a lot... I actually met some cool people and it gave me something to do during the week.
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Yes I moved from Dallas, TX to Seattle, WA to be closer to her family. (I ended up getting a good job out here so it made the decision easier) I know like 3 people that I hang out on weekends but I wouldn't say they are "friends". Just people I go out to bars with. But I'm actually flying down tomorrow for an interview in Dallas and I'm looking to move back. Thankfuly I have a big network of friends in Dallas still and my parents live there as well so I figured its better than staying here alone. If you don't have the option to move back or it wouldnt make a difference, then I would say to join as many clubs as possible. I joined a volleyball league a little while back and it helped me a lot... I actually met some cool people and it gave me something to do during the week. Yeah, clubs work well, and I have made some use of them here. Thing is, this is a small town and my ex will be staying for her job. So, I will be leaving because I never really wanted to come to this dump of town in the first place. And I really don't want to run into her as that would be a bit much to handle. So, just need to figure out where to go...
J_L_C Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Very well said. And yes I actually meant to say what you said. The lack of friends when we moved just made it clear that it wasn't meant to be. Had we stayed back and never moved we would have probably lasted longer but the end result would have been the same. And yes I completely know that timelines are not productive when you are talking about your personal life. You actually used the phrase that I'm trying to live by now... "It is what it is". That sums it up... I have to understand that things happen and sometimes they are out of my control. All I can do is to keep on trucking! There is a good song by Lifehouse called "It is what it is"
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