Can insecure men handle dating attractive women?

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

only our divasu has the right to compliments, I see

 

mmmm....you're not my type. Sorry.

[charlietheginger]

It doesn't sound like insecurity to me at all it sounds like the guy is either Aspergers or just really self-centered.

 

Most people with aspergers try to handle relationships

But just cant.

 

I tried but told my girlfriend im to short freckled and ugly

That she will find a man more attractive then me and leave.

 

I went ahead and ended the relationship becuase i feared

She would leave me first.

 

My aspergers is getting worse as i get older.

 

Ive excepted ill just live alone myself and dogs when

I get old.

 

My major downfall is emotions when she has a bad

Day or crying. I dont know how to hold someone and

Comforthem. My response is stop crying it does no good

 

It's not my fualt i cant read emotions or faces very well

[RonaldS]

mmmm....you're not my type. Sorry.

 

I bet you'd be surprised.

[candie13]

mmmm....you're not my type. Sorry.

 

lol, you shouldn't be, I'm batsh*t crazy )).

[candie13]

Pic was too small anyways.

 

too small for what ?

[candie13]

FEAR = False Evidence Appears Real

 

Improve by 1% in all areas in your life daily, 1% is easy and in a year you will have grown a a lot. It will not be 365%, it would be compounded. You will see results.

 

The relationship you want may want may not by the guy for you. Don't fuss over it. Take it a learning lesson.

 

There is no failure unless you give up.

 

I've really enjoyed your post, thank you for that! I believe it's one of the best pieces of advice I ever got. BIG LIKE !

[candie13]

candie,

 

To be honest, from your reply, I honestly can't tell if your bf is insecure or not. It's all pretty vague.

 

But what I DO know is that your relationship with him is hanging by a thread, at best, and it doesn't appear it's going to get any better.

 

I would just break it off

 

I can stay around here and pounder on if he really is or he really is not insecure. He is fighting his insecurities on his side, as well. He started to make efforts - for instance, last night, for the first time in 4 months, he came, met my friends and stayed all night with us.

 

He also invited me to go on a long weekend, before the end of the month, to Italy. We're finding it hard to get over our differences, but that is because he is 38 almost. A single man, not really used to have women challenge him and his ways.

 

As I also have my own insecurities, I cannot afford to focus that much on him or on this relationship. A few months ago, I've realized just how fragile I am, inside and how much work there is, in front of me, to do. It is, indeed, a relationship that is hard, not smooth.

 

In itself, that would not be so problematic. I think what will really make the difference, in this relationship, is what he is able (and willing) to bring to the table, to bring to this relationship. I am demanding, but I am also very giving, very generous. I believe in growing in a relationship and I believe in sharing - experiences, feelings, doubts, hopes... Despite our going out for 4 month, we've barely even started to get to know each other.

 

So instead of cracking my head and worrying if he can handle me, I'll give this guy a break and stop obsessing. In the end, if he can handle himself, fine. It is my firm intention to only look at what this relationship brings me, if I am more happy not with the mere fact of being in a relationship, but happy and content with my end of the deal.

 

Thanks a lot for lending me your year, on this matter, all of you!

 

In case you find some great books on fear of abandonment or any self help book on fighting one's fears, I would really appreciate your PM. I feel this is totally poisoning my life. WOnder how my interaction with my current bf will change when I get better at that ...

[candie13]

I feel like insecurity really only ends up getting worse, not better. Once ideas get into insecure people's minds, it can start to metastisize.

 

that is for sure... and I fear that, to be completely honest! Up to him to manage that part, on his end.

[candie13]

But if you constantly find yourself in relationships with men who are unavailable emotionally and otherwise, that would indicate you still have some internal work to do.

 

Bunny aside, that's the one common thing all of my ex bfs had in common... And I did try to break the pattern. Very interesting !!

 

It's also true that this emotional unavailability is a common thing, for men who've ended up around their 30's - or over their 30's and not gotten hitched. Like asking yourself - was it the chicken or the egg that came first.

 

I dunno... David is, for the better or for the worst, the only guy who came back, again and again, after I put him at his place, when he f*cked up. He learnt, continued to f*ck up, but less and less... and never left, no matter how much sh*t I'd give him (he did deserve it)... who started to develop feelings and would not give up, even when we did seem to be quite similar and incompatible, at the same time.

 

we'll see. In the mean time, I'm putting myself first !

[Leigh 87]

I always try to re assure the guy I am in love with - that they ARE all I want.

 

There is only so much comforting you can do though.

 

With me, the first few incidents a guy would have an issue like that with me, I would be like " awww babe, your all I think about, you have nothing to worry about, just take it as a compliment that other guys think I am attractive"

 

If he continued to do it after months together, I would get annoyed. I always do try to make the guy I am in love with, feel like the most special guy in the world to me.

 

There is only so much YOU can do, to comfort and reassure him.

 

He has to want to help himself and work on his issues.

[therhythm]

Can I tun the question back to you? Can attractive women handle dating insecure men?

I agree that your boyfriend/date needs to try to adjust to be with someone like you but can you tell me what have you done to adjust to what he is?

 

I am an attractive man and due to my past often women feel insecure about me. I always demand acceptance of who I am and how I became the person I am today but I also try to understand how they feel and I try to do anything in my hand to make them feel comfortable.

 

Maybe you are already doing all this but please bear in mind that a relationship is about two persons and you both need to work on it or it just won't work!

[candie13]

My previous experience with an insecure man was that he started to flirt with my gfs when we were out on a date . Bad, quite bad, because I really did like the guy. Anyway, my decision to start dating him was in spite of my previous bad experience with a man with similar issues.

 

Because my previous insecure date was flirting with other women - not even behind my back, but in my face - I did start to develop these thoughts that maybe all insecure men will eventually cheat to handle their insecurities better.

 

However, with my bf, I am giving him all the space in the world, and then some. I did ask him at some point if I am welcomed to come and hang out with him and his buddies, just to get a feeling of their way of interacting - and to understand if their outing are about male bonding or chick hunting. He said no, because the other guys didn't bring their gfs. I said, ok, fair enough and decided to trust him. I went so far as I've avoided him when he was out with his buddies, because I didn't want him to think that I was spying on him or invading his personal space or trying to find a fake reason to check up on him.

 

From my side, I have a LOT of friends and I used to go out dancing very very often / clubbing - at least once every weekend. Sometimes men would hit on us - we're three or four really pretty ladies, out for a nice time. Because of that situation, I've limited my exposure in those environments. I will continue to see my friends, but over dinner or in a low key bar or art exhibit event, where we'd catch up quietly over drinks and food.

 

I've also invited him to most of my outings with my friends - also I do have my own question marks about him and this relationship.

 

I think that if I really want my thing to work, I need to foster all the proper conditions, in order for it to succeed. I do my best to limit the selfsabotage.

 

IMHO, it's not necessarily the dress, it's the attitude of a person that gets them into trouble. I can look very sexy in a white tshirt, jeans and a pair of ballerinas, if I am in a mood to have fun.

 

That's why I'm so pissed, with him, he doens't get the basics right. If a woman wants to get into trouble, she doesn't necessarily need to show her nipples, to do that. It's not me or my dress, it's the effect I have on other people. He'd better accept that, because unless I gain 20 pounds, that's not likely to change.

[therhythm]

My previous experience with an insecure man was that he started to flirt with my gfs when we were out on a date . Bad, quite bad, because I really did like the guy. Anyway, my decision to start dating him was in spite of my previous bad experience with a man with similar issues.

 

Because my previous insecure date was flirting with other women - not even behind my back, but in my face - I did start to develop these thoughts that maybe all insecure men will eventually cheat to handle their insecurities better.

 

However, with my bf, I am giving him all the space in the world, and then some. I did ask him at some point if I am welcomed to come and hang out with him and his buddies, just to get a feeling of their way of interacting - and to understand if their outing are about male bonding or chick hunting. He said no, because the other guys didn't bring their gfs. I said, ok, fair enough and decided to trust him. I went so far as I've avoided him when he was out with his buddies, because I didn't want him to think that I was spying on him or invading his personal space or trying to find a fake reason to check up on him.

 

From my side, I have a LOT of friends and I used to go out dancing very very often / clubbing - at least once every weekend. Sometimes men would hit on us - we're three or four really pretty ladies, out for a nice time. Because of that situation, I've limited my exposure in those environments. I will continue to see my friends, but over dinner or in a low key bar or art exhibit event, where we'd catch up quietly over drinks and food.

 

I've also invited him to most of my outings with my friends - also I do have my own question marks about him and this relationship.

 

I think that if I really want my thing to work, I need to foster all the proper conditions, in order for it to succeed. I do my best to limit the selfsabotage.

 

IMHO, it's not necessarily the dress, it's the attitude of a person that gets them into trouble. I can look very sexy in a white tshirt, jeans and a pair of ballerinas, if I am in a mood to have fun.

 

That's why I'm so pissed, with him, he doens't get the basics right. If a woman wants to get into trouble, she doesn't necessarily need to show her nipples, to do that. It's not me or my dress, it's the effect I have on other people. He'd better accept that, because unless I gain 20 pounds, that's not likely to change.

 

I can't say I am an expert in relationships, but I think if you want to make a relationship (anyone, love, friendship, business) is all about communication and boundaries. You both need to be more straightforward about your expectations and boundaries and make sure you are compatible (sometimes people like each other a lot but they are not compatible, is a same but happens).

 

I wish you good luck with it, you seem to be a nice and caring woman!

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

A guy doesn't like his gf attracting strange men isn't insecure but normal. The only kind of guy who wouldn't care would just be using you for sex and wouldn't have a shred of interest in you or your wellbeing beyond that. If you find a normal guy exhibiting normal behavior to be insecure then you have been only dating cretins up to now.

 

A girl needing attention from strange men though she has a loving bf is not normal. A girl who thinks her bf is physically inferior to her is not in love and should let him go. Love makes a person not see the flaws anyone else can see.

 

You are showing the signs of someone waiting around for something better and trying to find things to nitpick in order to excuse yourself from the relationship without it being your fault.

 

True.

 

I would say OP is the insecure one here, not her bf. He's a lame duck.

[Leigh 87]

Candie 13 - I actually have met men who are not attractive, and who are confident.

 

It is about self worth and self respect. If a guy thinks highly of himself, then there is nothing sexier than a guy who acts like " well, I am no Brad Pitt, but I like who I am, and I know a great girl will be crazy about me - even if she is hot, why would she not fall for me?"

[Leigh 87]

A guy doesn't like his gf attracting strange men isn't insecure but normal. The only kind of guy who wouldn't care would just be using you for sex and wouldn't have a shred of interest in you or your wellbeing beyond that. If you find a normal guy exhibiting normal behavior to be insecure then you have been only dating cretins up to now.

 

A girl needing attention from strange men though she has a loving bf is not normal. A girl who thinks her bf is physically inferior to her is not in love and should let him go. Love makes a person not see the flaws anyone else can see.

 

You are showing the signs of someone waiting around for something better and trying to find things to nitpick in order to excuse yourself from the relationship without it being your fault.

 

 

 

 

I agree. I have dated men I was not that attracted to at first, only to fall in love with them and then they became the HOTTEST thing out there for me!

 

I get where Candie13 is coming from too: My ex could see that I was not exactly the hottest women he dated, but he was still attracted.

[A O]

No.

 

Insecure people aren't much chop in relationships. Plenty of secure people in this world.

[candie13]

A girl needing attention from strange men though she has a loving bf is not normal. A girl who thinks her bf is physically inferior to her is not in love and should let him go. Love makes a person not see the flaws anyone else can see.

 

You are showing the signs of someone waiting around for something better and trying to find things to nitpick in order to excuse yourself from the relationship without it being your fault.

 

There is a lot of truth in your post.

 

Allow me to explain how me and my bf are stuck:

 

HOW HE IS:

Very strong. Opinionated. Huge charisma. Not physically beautiful but striking, because he does not leave one indifferent, due to his way of thinking, of behaving. Highly independent. Sensual and warm too, in a sexual way.

He is also insecure. Thus controlling his emotions and not displaying any signs of them. And most importantly, because of his pride and his being stubborn, not making anything to make the other person feel special - as in gifts or organizing a dinner or an evening. But he is spontaneous, takes me to dinners or dancing. Just... nothing planned and nothing that shows that he'd been thinking about that before.

 

HOW I AM

I appear strong, but I'm not. I start to get attached and I start to get frightened. I need displays of affection to be reassured that he won't mistreat me, when I fall for him, even harder. something which he does not give me.

So one way of reassuring myself is to think that it doesn't really matter, even if he doesn't want me or decides to leave me, I am still attractive and other men find me interesting. That I have other options, out there. This mere thought makes me obsess less over him, allows me to stay grounded. Again, I am not doing anything in that direction - not keeping contact with any man or exchanging phone numbers or chatting or anything.

 

On the other side, I am not soothing or reassuring in that direction, at all, as Leigh wisely suggested. I don't want to, because of his strong independent strike. In a way, I do want to keep him wondering, I want him to not feel 100% sure about me, because I don't want him to take me for granted. I'm actually quite confrontative and do not hide something that other people may consider a red flag - the fact that I enjoy mirroring my attraction in the eyes of other men. I do that, because I am afraid that if I do admit any wrong doing - for instance, admitting that being vein is wrong or that it's my low self esteem that's pushing me to act / behave that way - he'll ask me to change. My attitude, my clothes. I don't want to change. I don't want to give in. Not right now, when we're still at the ego battling stage.

 

THE STATUS QUO

We're stuck because I don't want to stop acting like an attractive woman or hide that. Partially, because I am not 100% sure of him, so yes, mentally, I want to keep my options open (we are NOT engaged, there are NO long term plans, it's only fair that I do NOT fully deliver).

 

Maybe because I am also thinking that he'd be better off with a woman who'd be stronger, needed less attention and less displays of affection.

 

I could be better with a man who is more at ease expressing his feelings, verbally and through actions, as well, who is less restrained, in that direction.

 

However, I do feel that he likes ME and no one else and I also feel that he is not flirting with other women or even interested in appearing interesting to other women. So he is much more true to myself and to our relationship that I am, in that regard. But... he's not showing it openly. I understand that through his actions, but he never openly does anything. For instance, he'd only ever openly admit his feelings when we have huge fights... Slowly, he's breaking out of his shell - in bed, most of the times .

 

But because of my fits - he used to make me very unsure of himself, his interest in me and his feelings towards me - he's keeping his walls up. And I used to have my fits because of his walls . It makes sense, doesn't it?

 

We've made huge huge progress the last month. HUGE. And the way I want to go on, from now on, is to stop picking on him and let him be. Stop pressuring him to show me anything and mind my own life and business. Love is build in time and I feel it more healthy to spend time and gain that trust. Get to know each other better. Not listen to my fears (of abandonment) that much. Just go on with my life, enjoying my life, with him by my side.

 

If it works, it works. If I realize that I need someone more publicly affectionate, I'll stop seeing him. If he realizes that he needs a stronger woman, more confident and needing less attention - from him and other men, he'll go and find himself that woman.

 

In the end, che sara, sara. I'm done obsessing. I am serious about building this relationship. We'll see what comes out of it.

[candie13]

hey, guys, short update: we've started to spend a lot of time together, again after the last discussion, but I was true to what I've said before, with giving him space.

 

He is coming around. Remember how he was so insecure and unwilling for me to meet his friends? Or God forbid, anything related to his work? He told me to go visit one large exhibit that the competitor of his company had open. So I was on my way there... when he said - I should drop by his company's exhibit first !!! Which I did. We talked, he showed me some of the most impressive pieces, I got to talk to some of his work colleagues.... and then I've left.

 

Like... wow! The same guy who two months ago didn't feel like joining me and my friends for dinner because he would feel trapped... invites me now to a work event... while he's there!

 

Don't mean to say things are perfect, he's still traveling for my birthday and is traveling even for his birthday... but I choose to believe him, when he says he wants us to celebrate them together... even if we didn't set up firm plans or dates or even destinations for that. I gotta believe it, to make it happen, no ?

[therhythm]

hey, guys, short update: we've started to spend a lot of time together, again after the last discussion, but I was true to what I've said before, with giving him space.

 

He is coming around. Remember how he was so insecure and unwilling for me to meet his friends? Or God forbid, anything related to his work? He told me to go visit one large exhibit that the competitor of his company had open. So I was on my way there... when he said - I should drop by his company's exhibit first !!! Which I did. We talked, he showed me some of the most impressive pieces, I got to talk to some of his work colleagues.... and then I've left.

 

Like... wow! The same guy who two months ago didn't feel like joining me and my friends for dinner because he would feel trapped... invites me now to a work event... while he's there!

 

Don't mean to say things are perfect, he's still traveling for my birthday and is traveling even for his birthday... but I choose to believe him, when he says he wants us to celebrate them together... even if we didn't set up firm plans or dates or even destinations for that. I gotta believe it, to make it happen, no ?

 

That is really nice to read! Congratulations I am very happy it worked fine for you.:bunny:

After your last post I just came to think maybe the guy wasn't that insecure after all, maybe he wanted to see if you were the kind of woman he wants.(Just speculating, you know the guy much better than I do )

[candie13]

so far so good, rhythm .

 

I don't know exactly what it was that he was trying to do or to see, for sure he was taking his time. I have no idea what made him go ahead and trust me, in the end.

 

It's sweet to see him caring and emotional - even though we're not at the phase where we'd feel comfortable to say 'I love you', in loud voice, yet. At times, my old fears take over and I get scared. But seeing him expose himself like that to me reassures me. I don't want to do anything to hurt him.