Can insecure men handle dating attractive women?

[ltjg45]

You're a man, men don't need that external validation. Women are vain creatures. To me, it is important to know / feel I am appreciated. Not even that, it's the attention, that reassures me.

 

As a man, he knows objectively, that I am a hot woman. He is uneasy with that - not just my clothes, as I don't dress up as a slut... just enough to keep the imagination going... it's my attitude, the fact that I seem to enjoy it and that I am not playing it down.

 

As a man who sees an attractive women, he realizes that other men will hit on me. In all fairness, I do get approached quite often. This is what he is afraid of. Contact. He cannot accept that wanting/enjoying attention but not wanting/encouraging men to approach you - and consequently not making that happen - are two different things. The more time he spends with me, the more he understands that I am not frivolous.

 

I do try to hide that very well from him - and from the others .

 

He must be a real catch to you if you are trying to keep your relationship alive.

 

Because, at this point, I can't blame you if you bolted.

[charlietheginger]

You're a man, men don't need that external validation. Women are vain creatures. To me, it is important to know / feel I am appreciated. Not even that, it's the attention, that reassures me.

 

As a man, he knows objectively, that I am a hot woman. He is uneasy with that - not just my clothes, as I don't dress up as a slut... just enough to keep the imagination going... it's my attitude, the fact that I seem to enjoy it and that I am not playing it down.

 

As a man who sees an attractive women, he realizes that other men will hit on me. In all fairness, I do get approached quite often. This is what he is afraid of. Contact. He cannot accept that wanting/enjoying attention but not wanting/encouraging men to approach you - and consequently not making that happen - are two different things. The more time he spends with me, the more he understands that I am not frivolous.

 

I do try to hide that very well from him - and from the others .

So your an attention whore

 

Guys date and bang attention whores but rarely marry

Them.

[candie13]

if that is your definition of an attention whore, I respect that. I don't believe I am. I am vain. I was "out of the market" for 10 years - aka all of my 20s. I've missed the attention. I'm not that young, anymore.

 

I've uploaded one pic of me, to have an idea - I'm the girl in the middle.

[charlietheginger]

One thing I notice it seems to be all about you. Men need to be valued and loved. However it seems to be more about you than actually the love. Just curious what have you done for him?

 

What you provide in the relationship?

 

Good point what do you bring to the table

Besides a ass and set of tits.

 

Do you pay for all your own stuff and half the house

Hold expenses.

Are you eazy to get along with and fun to be around

Are you drama free

Are you his best friend

 

Or

 

Just a pouty mess that needs attention and

Wants to be put on a pedestal becuase your

Good in bed

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

my bf is not the most handsome man I've ever dated. He has an interesting personality, but above all, he is very insecure when it comes to our relationship. We are similar in many bad ways - both are stubborned and both are proud.

 

This issue with insecurities pops us more and more and is affecting our relationship. I believe he is intimidated by me. I am indeed attractive and I am also coming from a culture where looks are important. I've never hidden that it is important for me to feel, to know that I am attractive.

 

My bf asked me yesterday if I am dressing to please the eye or if I am dressing for myself. I told him that when I go out, yes, I may dress to please the eye. I like to see that other men find me attractive.

 

However, I am not disrespectful. I have never approached a man myself. When I am dating, I am not giving off the sex vibes, I am not inviting to other men, I do not initiate contact, nor do I smile and encourage contact with other men. I am happy with my relationship.

 

I am also happy with my sexuality and happy with my looks. My bf believes that because I am insecure about myself, I have this need to get confirmation from other people. I for sure enjoy receiving confirmation, but I am not dying to get it. I am not doing anything on purpose for that. I have a sunny, bubbly personality and that is what attracts people. It's like saying that I smile for people to like me. I am actually happy with myself, I therefore smile, therefore people like me.

 

I dunno... he is a grown man, but I am feel that he is very influenced by his mother. His parents came over the week. I felt that he withdrew further more - that may be because we spent less time together. His mother does not want him to get married or have children. Ever. She keeps encouraging him to take time, explore the world, travel (also he already did that a LOT).

 

Anyway... it's just... I am not sure he will ever trust me. I have NEVER done anything to make him unsure of myself, yet he always suspects the worst and pulls away. I made efforts to go towards him, to show him that I am taking him seriously and build our relationships, but I am feel the ground is shaky.

 

In your opinion, do you think this can ever work out or am I wastin' my time? We've been together since beg of Jan - so we're 4 months , going on our 5th... no holiday plans, nothing. He mentioned once he wanted to go with me on a long weekend, but never came up with any dates.

 

It's my birthday next month, so I proposed to go away for the weekend. As it will be on a Monday, I've asked if he can take the day off. I've proposed various destinations, was all excited. Turn out, he is traveling on that day. He only said "sorry". Did not say "let's reschedule" or "let's celebrate another time." It's also true he only told me about his travel arrangements around noon.

 

I feel like I have all the signs in front of me. all red flags. I hate to lie to myself.

 

you think this can work out or are we just too different?

 

You're going out and dressing sexy with the intention of having guys notice you and you told him exactly that.

 

I think ANYBODY would be insecure about that (both guys and girls).

[Divasu]

if that is your definition of an attention whore, I respect that. I don't believe I am. I am vain. I was "out of the market" for 10 years - aka all of my 20s. I've missed the attention. I'm not that young, anymore.

 

I've uploaded one pic of me, to have an idea - I'm the girl in the middle.

 

I don't know why but I envisioned you being African-American. I was off the market for all of my twenties too. I went through a vain phase I guess you could say right after, but I stayed single for a good period of time thereafter. How long were you single before you met Mr. Taurus, if you don't mind me asking? PS. You're quite pretty.

[charlietheginger]

Pretty faced drama queens are a dozen in any bar....

pretty girls with great personalities are 1 in a million....

 

Sounds like candy needs to stay single and just bar hop

A few years for attention. Then when she comes down from

The clouds in a couple yrs dosnt talk so loud or walk so

Proud and relizes her cheet stinks just like everyone else

Then she can have a boyfriend and act normal

[charlietheginger]

charlie be nice lol

 

Its true....

she said she dresses for attention likes to go out

 

Simple solution stay single.....

 

After her her head shrinks back to normal and her attention

Whore phase is over....

 

Then she can have a boyfriend hang out with other

Couples and do couples stuff

[SJC2008]

I skipped to the end so sorry if I'm being redundant...

 

I've thought about this and wondered if I dated a woman out of my league could I handle the fact that she'll have tons of options so I better be on my best behavior 24/7. TBS I think I could because it's not like only attractive people cheat, and women can get sex way easier than men so if I was dating a woman who wan't too attractive she'd still be able to cheat in a heart beat! That levels it out for me if you will.

 

I am surprised you wound up with this guy becuase people typically attract/date those with the same emotional health??

 

I'd say as long as he's not controlling and project his insecurities on you this could actually bring you guys closer together (depending on how serious you want to get with him). Part of a relationship is trying to understand your partner and sometimes a little re-assurance may be needed as long as it's not over the top and he's not behaving in a controlling manner like I said. Does he make an effort to manage his insecurity? And is this the guy from the v-day thread?

[candie13]

One thing I notice it seems to be all about you. Men need to be valued and loved. However it seems to be more about you than actually the love. Just curious what have you done for him?

 

What you provide in the relationship?

 

hey, love is a big word. We're not there yet, both of us are seriously flirting with the idea, but in reality, both of us are in the screening stage.

 

when we started dating, I was making my way through my depression (he does not know about it). So, at the beginning, he would do almost all of the talking, occupy almost all of the space. But... I was getting better and our relationship did help me out of it. Therefore, I've started to ask him to listen to me. Pay attention. Ask questions. He was not doing any of these, at the beginning.

 

Even now, I listen a lot. I allow him to speak about everything - from job to friends to family, almost everything. I give him support. I give him advice - which most of the times, he disagrees with and does not take in. He travels like crazy, but I do my best to be available. I listen to his desires of seeing me, I am spontaneous about our dates, also I am a hard core planner.

 

I love cooking - so maybe I am not doing that only for him, but he inspires me to be more creative, to explore more. So I try new receipts, I am baking cakes - I have not bakes cakes in over 5 years.

 

The most important work I've done with myself, for him, was to accept that he is different. He has no idea of the consequences of his acts, at times. He is also proud, and would not admit he made a mistake. So instead of looking at the words he cannot say, I am looking at his actions, that speak for himself.

 

He feels a strong need to be reassured, to see me, to have me close... He also functions in waves, he would get very close, at times and then back away. I've learnt - or am learning, from him, not to have expectations. Any sort of expectation. Just faith. And patience. I'd lie if I said that he is not coming around...

 

I like me more, since I was with him. I became more humble. Less of a "princess". Less fearful too. I like that.

 

I sometimes make him small gifts - chocolate or macarons (the cookie in my avatar). He never did, so far. I don't really care, if I feel like buying him a gift or a small attention, I usually do.

 

I would also confront him. He has a very strong personality. Really strong. And a very sensitive intuition. He is tough to resist, in an argument - he can convince you to do almost anything he wants. If he is not being fair, I will fight him. He is not fair. I am his challenge, and as he is my inspiration, I am making him be fair. Not just with me, but with those around him too. I am not sure he gets this notion of fairness - since he is so honestly self absorbed...

 

He lacks emotional intelligence and I try to make him aware of that, because brains don't always compensate. I didn't succeed to make a difference, thus far. I push him to treat his parents better when he sees them, to spend more quality time. I urge him to call his sister more often. I know everything about his uncle.

 

I am working hard at making him change his look. In almost 5 months (actually 4, but who's counting) I only made him change the hairdresser, yaaay ! He realizes that he is very conservative, so he'd ask for my advice when choosing which tie to wear... sometimes he shows me the new ties he bought... I sometimes feel the only possible advice would be to just burn them all . I don't say it out loud, of course. I try to save what can be saved. Encourage him to stick to the same 4 he is usually wearing...

 

I would soooo love to get a chance to change his look... he would not believe it. His suits, OMG!!! He needs to deserve this, first !

[candie13]

Pretty faced drama queens are a dozen in any bar....

pretty girls with great personalities are 1 in a million....

 

Sounds like candy needs to stay single and just bar hop

A few years for attention. Then when she comes down from

The clouds in a couple yrs dosnt talk so loud or walk so

Proud and relizes her cheet stinks just like everyone else

Then she can have a boyfriend and act normal

 

I NEVER cheat .

 

I'd appreciate it if you'd agree to disagree on the attention whoring, instead of projecting onto me whatever heartbreak a pretty girl may have cause you. I have no implants, no plastic surgery, no high cleavage. The second pic is of me in a club - the dress was short, but... ZERO CLEVAGE!

[candie13]

Now can you cut out the negative stuff?

 

pls feel free to .

 

I would hate to make this come into a thread judging me and my wardrobe, instead of understanding how this relationship has evolved:

 

- at the beginning, he was extremely into me, but also very commitment avoiding. To the point where he would make me go insane - see the St.V thread / episode. He would be plain out made of steel, so yes, I would be going crazy to find a way of bugging him. I know, not very mature. But at times, at the beginning, any reaction is better than no reaction.

 

so I did rub his nose a little in this matter, without realizing that he had some serious insecurities at that level - he seems very balanced, level, keeping it all together.

 

so it seemed I've sort of gotten my hands full...

[candie13]

I skipped to the end so sorry if I'm being redundant...

 

I've thought about this and wondered if I dated a woman out of my league could I handle the fact that she'll have tons of options so I better be on my best behavior 24/7. TBS I think I could because it's not like only attractive people cheat, and women can get sex way easier than men so if I was dating a woman who wan't too attractive she'd still be able to cheat in a heart beat! That levels it out for me if you will.

 

I am surprised you wound up with this guy becuase people typically attract/date those with the same emotional health??

 

I'd say as long as he's not controlling and project his insecurities on you this could actually bring you guys closer together (depending on how serious you want to get with him). Part of a relationship is trying to understand your partner and sometimes a little re-assurance may be needed as long as it's not over the top and he's not behaving in a controlling manner like I said. Does he make an effort to manage his insecurity? And is this the guy from the v-day thread?

 

I don't really care about looks that much. I think what really matters is the quality of the other person. Beautiful men may cheat because they get plenty of opportunity, less attractive men may cheat out of frustration.

 

When he spends more time with me, he remembers me, how I really am. When we have fight, he emotionally distances himself from me and his automatic pilot seems to take over - it's when he "remembers" his fears.

 

yes, this is the guy from the V-thread. Thanks again for your help, at that time...

[candie13]

Do you feel better now?

 

I... don't... know... !

[candie13]

You're going out and dressing sexy with the intention of having guys notice you and you told him exactly that.

 

I think ANYBODY would be insecure about that (both guys and girls).

 

I know, I understand. I was stupid to play that card and even more stupid to admit the truth. He was driving me crazy, at the beginning. Him jealous and irritated was better than him indifferent and cold. It makes no sense now, but it made all the sense in the world back then, trust me !

[candie13]

Just notice it's all I. Nobody else but yourself.

 

It's very late here, and English is not my first language - I'm Romanian. I obviously don't master this language as well as a native and it particularly shows when I'm tired.

[Divasu]

I just read your St. V. Thread...

 

This guy is a big fat commitment phobe.

[candie13]

I don't know why but I envisioned you being African-American. I was off the market for all of my twenties too. I went through a vain phase I guess you could say right after, but I stayed single for a good period of time thereafter. How long were you single before you met Mr. Taurus, if you don't mind me asking? PS. You're quite pretty.

 

I would have loved to be African American , I love jazz !! was single for 2 long years. Hated it at the beginning, went "meh" towards the end. Now it's relationships that I find difficult!!!

 

I'm not one of those girls that needs to saw the wild oats, so my need for attention is not linked to my emotional past. It's cultural.

 

In Romania, women are SOOOO self aware. They weigh half my size, are tall, wear high heels, perfect make up, they simply look gorgeous. Always! And the measure of their perfect looks was the attention they got.

 

It'll soon be 10 years since I've lived abroad, but you know what they say: you can take a girl out of Romania, you cannot take Romania out of the girl! In my part of the world, how I dress and act would be considered natural... except for the fact that, at my age, women are married, have 2 or 3 kids, and are trying desperately to keep up their silhouette...

[candie13]

I just read your St. V. Thread...

 

This guy is a big fat commitment phobe.

 

I'm quite a fruit cake myself, girl...

 

but as you say it, one plus plus plus one... I'm turning 33 soon, don't want to invest in a dead end relationship. For the moment, I'm on top of it, I do all I can to stay into the screening and evaluating stage..

 

so here is my dilemma: if I spend more time with him, I'll manage to get to know him. But I'll also risk falling inlove. And there's no secret formula that tells which man will want to marry you and father your kids and which one will bail out...

[candie13]

I find Romanian women very attractive lol I love their accent.

 

Thank you... I guess . You can keep the accent, if you wish - the first time I've heard myself speaking English, I thought I'd die... strong strong Eastern Europe accent

 

funnily enough, it's almost imperceptible, in French!

[Divasu]

I'm quite a fruit cake myself, girl...

 

but as you say it, one plus plus plus one... I'm turning 33 soon, don't want to invest in a dead end relationship. For the moment, I'm on top of it, I do all I can to stay into the screening and evaluating stage..

 

so here is my dilemma: if I spend more time with him, I'll manage to get to know him. But I'll also risk falling inlove. And there's no secret formula that tells which man will want to marry you and father your kids and which one will bail out...

 

In that case, here's a solution suggestion...

 

Cut back on spending more time with him, if you don't want to risk 'falling in love' with the wrong person. And no. There is no 'secret formula'.

[Divasu]

That's not the solution. The solution is that both of them need to work on their issues. Obviously both parities have issues. We have only one side of story, her half.

 

IF someone is a commitment phobe, it is highly unlikely the two can work in harmony to correct it. That is the reality of it.

[SJC2008]

I'm quite a fruit cake myself, girl...

 

but as you say it, one plus plus plus one... I'm turning 33 soon, don't want to invest in a dead end relationship. For the moment, I'm on top of it, I do all I can to stay into the screening and evaluating stage..

 

so here is my dilemma: if I spend more time with him, I'll manage to get to know him. But I'll also risk falling inlove. And there's no secret formula that tells which man will want to marry you and father your kids and which one will bail out...

 

Have you asked him what his thoughts on marriage are and/or if he ever sees himself having a family?

[SJC2008]

IF someone is a commitment phobe, it is highly unlikely the two can work in harmony to correct it. That is the reality of it.

 

I once read that commitment phobes date commitment phobes but one usually doesn't know they are. Men usually get the wrap for being commitment phobes but gender aside, once somone realizes they're with a commitment phobe and are NOT one they bail.

[Divasu]

Anything is possible if people are willing to work at it. Take responsibility for their own action is the key. Instead of calling people names and blaming them.

My father used to tell me when you are having problems look in the mirror!

 

Would you want to commit someone with issues? I highly doubt it!

 

Your father sounds like a wise man.