Can insecure men handle dating attractive women?

[pcplod]

On your own admission, you both have issues. The only person who can work on your issues is yourself, and that applies to you both. If he wasn't insecure and jealous, you would still have issues, they just wouldn't be so much in your face all the time. However, un-addressed, if you break up with him and move on, your next relationship may be adversely affected, even if that man is the most perfectly self-balanced person in the world because you would be causing issues for him, ones that anyone could do without.

 

I don't know what age your boyfriend is and what bearing, if any, that might have on his psychological and emotional maturity. However, if he lives by himself and has travelled a lot, I would expect him to have a fairly independent streak to him. However, when it comes to personal relationships that may count for nothing. He really needs to think about and address whatever issues he suffers from for much the same sort of reasons you have to, ie that you can't figuratively run away from yourself.

 

There must be really big doubts whether it is possible to have a successful long-term relationship while working on fixing yourself, although as this must involve some practical 'trial-and-error, it does suggest that you need to be in some sort of relationship with someone to make a go of things in practical terms. The problem is can you both work on yourselves and together at the same time? It does strike me as something of a high-wire act.

 

It doesn't take a genius to tell you that to be both stubborn and proud is not the stuff that stable relationships are made of. Nor for that matter that the insecurity that you both have does rather suggest that the pride you both exhibit is a pretty negative and corrosive form of that particular character trait.

 

I don't envy either of you.

[pcplod]

and have a buttplug in 24/7 in plain sight.

 

Well, I never! Must keep out a keener eye when I'm out-and-about, cruising.

Thanks for the tip.

[candie13]

You admit to being insecure and think he's insecure.........

 

Sounds awful.

 

Honestly if I were in your shoes (based off other posts about your relationship) I'd cut him faster than a barber does a fade.

 

It is awful, girl.

 

It was my fault, in a way, because I sort of did make him jealous, but it was because of him. We met at a salsa school, and even if we did go out for a few months, he would not act as if we were bf and gf. So at the beginning, I was pissed and said nothing. I remember that after one of our last fights, I was so mad, I actually was a bit indifferent to him and laughing with the other guys. He adjusted - sort of - his behaviour.

 

It's ... a lot of trouble. Not sure about the effort.

[candie13]

It can never work with an insecure guy until he get over his insecurities. It's too much for anyone to handle been there done that.

 

OMG, that is so true!!! I should write that on all my mirrors, for a few months, maybe it will finally get through, to my head!!!

[candie13]

Do you make him feel secure?

 

For sure, I am the one inviting him to all my outings with my friends, He is not.

Do you tell him how handsome he is

For sure. I find him very attractive, even more without his clothes on, really - I always tell him that!

Do you tell him you like his hair cut

I've convinced him to have a haircut. I made the appointment and took him there.

Do you tell him how great his body looks

yes. with and without his clothes on.

Do you tell him how great his penis feels inside you

we're fine at sex talk. It's actually the glue to our relationship - otherwise I wouldn't stick around.

Do you tell him you him men look better as they age

he's 38. It's not really needed.

do you grab his hand in public and kiss him on the cheek

When other guys are around.........

I wish we went out that often. When we do, we are affectionate.

 

Its not about him being insecure ITS ABOUT HIM FEELING

INSECURE WITH YOU.

whatever. It's obviously not working out. clear now.

[candie13]

I hear a lot of guys taking dance class to meet women. Personally I just can't do that sort of thing. Some guys go to yoga classes too, they end up stiff.

 

 

Just because two people gout out on a few dates it doesn't mean they are bf/gf they feelings has to mutual.

 

It'll be 5 months in May. We would see eachother 5 days out of 7, if his travel plans allowed it. We're passed the "just a few dates" a long time ago .

 

oh, and I am very serious about dancing - I did ballet for 10 years. I have always danced and always will.

[Roadkill007]

\

Here's the weird thing: I would loooove to see women hitting on him, with me near him. I'd make fun of him, to see his ego boost, to see the look of pleasure in his eyes, because he'd enjoy it too. I believe all people like to receive confirmation. I think he is really sexy and if those women would know how giving he is in bed, they would through themselves at him like birds of prey.

 

However: I would hate to see him initiating contact with other women. This is my biggest source of insecurities: I fear that, at some point, his insecurities will get the better of him and he might feel tempted to cheat, to demonstrate his sexual appealing-ness... to him and to me, as well . Cheating is THE DEALBREAKER for me. Dating, texts, emails to other women fall into the same category.

 

 

 

I think a certain degree of insecurity isn't necessarily bad, as long as it's not a serious festering wound. I've these 2 friends who are a couple, and they both joke about trying to get each other fatter so the other will get less attention (or perceived attention) from the opposite sex. Then again, most "insecure" people aren't secure enough to joke about their insecurities to begin with, and those are the types you know you need to run away from, because they tend to be a ticking time bomb. (run-on-galore, I know... lazy mood )

[Divasu]

How would you like if many women were looking at your bf in a sexual way?

 

I'd scratch her eyes out.

 

Candylandy:p, try to avoid doing this:

 

It was my fault, in a way, because I sort of did make him jealous, but it was because of him. We met at a salsa school, and even if we did go out for a few months, he would not act as if we were bf and gf.

It's passive aggressive and it makes you look like the one who is insecure.

 

Kind of sounds like you both have some 'stuff' going on insecurity wise, to be fair. Bummer about your birthday though. But, happy early Birthday!!

[Divasu]

Come on, you're not the jealous type are you?

 

That is none of your business.

 

What he did in beginning is darn out right rude. I don't know why OP would put up with someone like that. It's true sometimes women like the a##holes.

 

Which part do you believe is most rude, specifically? The comment about her dressing for other men, him pulling away, not being with her on her birthday?

[candie13]

I officially luv u, miss Divasu! Imagine this:

I saw him out with his mates and didn't go to say hi - I wanted to give him space. But he saw me too, I know that . So he texts me later tonight, to ask me about the evening... checking to see what I would say - if I'd say the truth. Turn out... that he got really really pissed for me not coming to see him and his mates (three boys and one of their gf) - him thinking "you don't want to be seen with me", me saying "you've never wanted to introduce me to them, so I didn't want to embarrass you"... needless to say, we have this huge huge massive fight - I am telling him I am leaving him - he tells me he loves me, I say that is BS, anyway... to make it short, he wants us to sit together and book flight tickets to go to Ibiza, for my bday

 

like... wtf??!!!??

[Divasu]

1. He is truly in a place where he feels confident and secure in his ability to provide.

2. His words match his actions.

3. He doesn’t play games.

4. He knows how to express his feelings directly.

5. He is single.

6. He does not expect any kind of physical intimacy sooner than you are ready.

In short, Mr. Boyfriend Material is confident, mature, unafraid to be vulnerable, and feels comfortable with commitment. He wants to please you by engaging in a variety of actions that show kindness, romances you willingly, and loves time spent together having tea, walking on the beach, or going to the movies. Sex is not his primary motive for asking you out, and, in fact, does not expect you to sleep with him until you are ready—whether that is in three months, six months, or even not until you are married. Mr. Boyfriend Material is seeking an interdependent relationship with a confident woman who wants the same. Mr. Boyfriend Material might not be someone you come across often, but when you do, knowing about these qualities will help you recognize him. And if you don’t settle for anything less than Mr. Boyfriend Material, you have the potential for a great relationship that can fulfill you, bring you happiness, and meet your needs.

 

Source

[candie13]

I'd scratch her eyes out.

 

Candylandy:p, try to avoid doing this:

 

It's passive aggressive and it makes you look like the one who is insecure.

 

Kind of sounds like you both have some 'stuff' going on insecurity wise, to be fair. Bummer about your birthday though. But, happy early Birthday!!

 

Oh, I would really luuuuv to see them all, lusting over him :love: I think we'd have one hot hot night if that happened, and I'd be around to watch it, hahaha!

 

I know I was stupid, girl, but imagine this - I missed one class and one guys at the salsa class actually writes to David to... ask him for my email. His excuse was that he was organizing some outings in some nice salsa clubs.

 

If that guy thought we were dating, would he have asked my bf for my email? Or did he ask for my email to David, to test the waters ?

 

I may have been stupid to do this... but I am not blind!

[Divasu]

I officially luv u, miss Divasu! Imagine this:

I saw him out with his mates and didn't go to say hi - I wanted to give him space. But he saw me too, I know that . So he texts me later tonight, to ask me about the evening... checking to see what I would say - if I'd say the truth. Turn out... that he got really really pissed for me not coming to see him and his mates (three boys and one of their gf) - him thinking "you don't want to be seen with me", me saying "you've never wanted to introduce me to them, so I didn't want to embarrass you"... needless to say, we have this huge huge massive fight - I am telling him I am leaving him - he tells me he loves me, I say that is BS, anyway... to make it short, he wants us to sit together and book flight tickets to go to Ibiza, for my bday

 

like... wtf??!!!??

 

Awe, I wuv you too.

 

As for the above, I really don't know what to say about ^^that.

 

Again, I think it boils down to both of you having some insecurities present, and you're both bringing them out in one another. I don't know how well that will hold up in the long run...You want to calm the choppy weather, not turn it into a full blown hurricane.

[Divasu]

I'm not a big fan of birthdays.

 

I don't know the whole thing is nuts. I either go all the way or nothing. This half a## thing is annoying to me.

 

Okay, so the birthday blow-off, you don't view as rude.

 

Gotcha.

 

Oh, I would really luuuuv to see them all, lusting over him :love: I think we'd have one hot hot night if that happened, and I'd be around to watch it, hahaha!

 

Doesn't sound that unusual. A lot of couples get off on seeing their bf/gf being hit on.

 

I know I was stupid, girl, but imagine this - I missed one class and one guys at the salsa class actually writes to David to... ask him for my email. His excuse was that he was organizing some outings in some nice salsa clubs.

 

If that guy thought we were dating, would he have asked my bf for my email? Or did he ask for my email to David, to test the waters ?

 

I may have been stupid to do this... but I am not blind!

 

Now, you've totally lost me, I'm afraid.

[candie13]

1. He is truly in a place where he feels confident and secure in his ability to provide.

David is 100% there.

 

2. His words match his actions.

He is ... not there. I mean, he is one scared bunny, for sure.

 

3. He doesn’t play games.

 

Mine does... he just isn't very good at it and will drop it as soon as he sees I am getting very very mad.

 

4. He knows how to express his feelings directly.

No... I mean, not unless we fight eachother to death! Then I think that's it, we're breaking up, he'd say something linked to his feelings and how he wants to work it out... I'm like... wtf . I should say his feelings and my quick temper have a direct link when it comes to manifesting!

 

5. He is single.

ok, he is there.

6. He does not expect any kind of physical intimacy sooner than you are ready.

 

oh, my bf waited. We waited for more than one month. And even then, he took it very very slow. He absolutely respects that. We just have a very very strong chemistry that ... is unexpected, for both of us.

 

In short, Mr. Boyfriend Material is confident, mature, unafraid to be vulnerable, and feels comfortable with commitment.

In theory! In practice, my bf is... or should I say was very very scared of commitment. VERY! to the point where, after two months, he was so dead scared of meeting my friends, that he only came, had one beer and bailed out. He got better now, but the first three months, OMG, the taming oft he shrew, you'd think he was Samson and I was Delilah!

 

He wants to please you by engaging in a variety of actions that show kindness, romances you willingly, and loves time spent together having tea, walking on the beach, or going to the movies.

He loves seeing me and spending time with me. He would see me for three hours, between flights, ask to see me for 15 minutes before taking trains, would not got home but come to my place directly after long trips, would listen to music with me, and would go dancing with me ...

In all fairness, I spoil him rotten too, I love cooking for him fancy stuff, I dunno... we're both just as bad, here...

 

Sex is not his primary motive for asking you out, and, in fact, does not expect you to sleep with him until you are ready—whether that is in three months, six months, or even not until you are married.

he's totally there. Very respectful. And even now, he is very very attentive and never pressures me for sex or expects sex. We somehow... anyway, big chemistry -

Mr. Boyfriend Material is seeking an interdependent relationship with a confident woman who wants the same.

Ok, I need to work here, as well. It's just that he was sooo scared and insecure at the beginning, that I feel the need to give him a LOT of space and freedom. It actually took me a lot of courage to ask him to come with me, for my bday... which is why I was so hurt, when he turned me down...

Mr. Boyfriend Material might not be someone you come across often, but when you do, knowing about these qualities will help you recognize him. And if you don’t settle for anything less than Mr. Boyfriend Material, you have the potential for a great relationship that can fulfill you, bring you happiness, and meet your needs.

 

Yeah, I wish. I mean... he is a tough cookie. he is fighting for his rights and freedom, but when he sees it gets serious - meaning I get mad, stop taking BS and give him a hard time, he'd do his best to mend it and keep his act together.

 

In all fairness, it's how he seems to function. We had three main milestones, three main fights, so far and each one of them potentially lethal for our relationship. He always came back and decided to clean his act. Which, in all fairness, he did. He needs to be managed. It seems he only respects and obeys the person doing that, if they have an iron hand. I'm very very nice, generally, but have a really horrible temper, when I get mad. He gets to feel the iron hand, under the velvet glove. This would be the fourth major fight...

I literally have lost my voice.

 

Part of me is happy to have "solved it" and still be together, another part of me is asking if I am not missing a very good occasion to limit the damage and leave him...

[Divasu]

I love how you filled out responses to what I wrote like it was a Cosmopolitan magazine quiz.

 

You're too funny...

 

But there's a lot of good information there. Good for re-evaluating, on your end, to help you through these murky waters.

[candie13]

I really hope you're not going. This isn't even romantic. lol

 

never been... I got no idea, my idea of a nice hols with my bf would be a nice beach, good outdoor activities - like hiking or diving... and a few decent cocktail bars.

 

I've heard it was a major party place, years ago (not my cup of tea), recently more known for good electro music (his fave). I think I am a romantic person... but not that much, you know what I mean?

[candie13]

I love how you filled out responses to what I wrote like it was a Cosmopolitan magazine quiz.

 

You're too funny...

 

But there's a lot of good information there. Good for re-evaluating, on your end, to help you through these murky waters.

 

to put is shortly: told you he is stubborned. His needs go first. So we had a hard fight and I told him we're through. This is when he came up with the dates for the hols and I got the "I fell inlove with you" and stuff.

 

Which is nice, since I know he feels them... I just feel it's extreme to get these things, this way. It's not supposed to be this hard.

 

I'm afraid he likes me because I can kick his arse badly and he appreciates that. What if I get really tired and won't be able to fight for my rights, for what I want?

 

People inlove are supposed to give eachother whatever the other partner needs - love, attention, time, care... I sometimes feel like I have to fight him really really hard for him to agree to give those to me.

 

In all fairness, I don't have to fight every single time I need something, but it goes by stages. Every time we are reaching a new stage, another clash of the titans. He obviously started to care, so it's supposed to get easier, but we still fight like there is no tomorrow.... I'm scared of what will happen, if I start getting all tired and not able to fight for myself and for this relationship just as hard!

 

i wonder if it's not wiser to leave today, basically...

[candie13]

Now, you've totally lost me, I'm afraid.

 

it doesn't really matter, the whole point was, at the salsa class, even though me and David would sometimes talk, we wouldn't act as a couple in front of the others - he wouldn't. So one young man, also attending the class (a salsa buddy), contacted David, in order to get my email - as I had been missing a few classes... this salsa buddy did not know / was not sure that David and I were dating eachother... or maybe he did this to get a confirmation for David and I, I dunno.

[Divasu]

to put is shortly: told you he is stubborned. His needs go first. So we had a hard fight and I told him we're through. This is when he came up with the dates for the hols and I got the "I fell inlove with you" and stuff.

 

Which is nice, since I know he feels them... I just feel it's extreme to get these things, this way. It's not supposed to be this hard.

 

I'm afraid he likes me because I can kick his arse badly and he appreciates that. What if I get really tired and won't be able to fight for my rights, for what I want?

 

People inlove are supposed to give eachother whatever the other partner needs - love, attention, time, care... I sometimes feel like I have to fight him really really hard for him to agree to give those to me.

 

In all fairness, I don't have to fight every single time I need something, but it goes by stages. Every time we are reaching a new stage, another clash of the titans. He obviously started to care, so it's supposed to get easier, but we still fight like there is no tomorrow.... I'm scared of what will happen, if I start getting all tired and not able to fight for myself and for this relationship just as hard!

 

i wonder if it's not wiser to leave today, basically...

 

It sounds exhausting. Actually, the above sounds eerily similar to the one I had with someone for 6 years (a Taurus too ). There was so much fighting in that relationship early on. In the infatuation stage, romantic love requires very little work or effort. Then again, to quote a musician I enjoy listening to, love is a battlefield. Woah-ooohhh-woahhhh....

[candie13]

Seems to me that you and he hold different values. Is he a conservative person? I'm asking since to him perhaps (as speculation) he may not approve of women dressing sexily. It's also possible that he may think men will look at you, and I'd agree that this goes with the territory regarding attractive women.

 

However, regarding his mother, well it is his mother and even as adults most people for obvious reasons still hold deference to their parents. I am in my 30s and I admit I do to some extent, it's not something I can shake off since it's natural. I think unless what his mother says greatly interferes with how you and he run your relationship, you have to accept that he loves his mother and wants to please her/make her proud.

 

You also said that his mum tells him not to have children. Do you want children with him and has this come up as a difficulty between both of you?

 

I am not and will not dress provocatively, but I refuse to not dress sexily. He is, indeed, more conservative. He loves how I dress though, he just hates the attention I get, the reactions I seem to provoke. I know I should not giggle, but I've only been single for 2 years (the previous 10, I was in relationships). I still find it funny to see guys react like that to something I wear (something between flattery, amuzement and me thinking they're a bit retarded )

[charlietheginger]

Why does someone need to dress so others notice them?

If that person is in a committed relationship why make

Other guys notice them?

 

Unless that person needs validation of some sort...

 

Validation means,acceptance.

 

Imo dress like you dont give a fudge and thats a secure

Women.......

[candie13]

I totally accept the fact that he loves his mom and wants to make her proud, even though she wants him to die alone and miserable, while she married happily and had 2 kids!!!

 

Our third biggest fight was related to the "alignment of our values". When his mom told him to take 6 months and do smth spiritual, think, go and travel the world, he called her "inspiring". I was... wtf? That and the fact that he was talking down about marriage and kids made me aware of a huge huge red flag. So I asked him. I asked him if he wanted to leave. Asked him if he wanted to ever marry. Or wanted kids. He was so incredibly defensive. Put all of his wall up. Said he did, when would be inlove enough.

 

However, he did get lost for 5 days, after our talk ( I was trying to be as non aggressive as possible). After taking 5 days to go to London and "think", he came back to me.

 

I absolutely want children. Totally. I feel that right now, the only thing he really really doesn't want is to lose me.

[charlietheginger]

Women who often show alot of skin have issues...

 

ive worked with models they usually wear baggy clothes

And no makeup when out and about...

[candie13]

Another thing to the OP, I think you have insecurities in addition to your bf.

 

You say you dress so people can notice you. Well, why does anybody need the recognition of others? Speaking for myself, I don't really care if people notice me in a public place or not. I just expect to do my thing without bothering people and people can get on with their own business in kind. it's not that I'm shy, but I generally rely on strength/confidence from within and don't expect others to hand it to me. I agree that we need confirmation from others to some extent, but not totally as this is not healthy IMO. I think also that people who don't receive much external validation can be more confident overall since they develop better resilience, which is what confidence is more or les..

 

I think you need to give more information, since you haven't said why your bf doesn't like you wearing sexy clothes.

 

You're a man, men don't need that external validation. Women are vain creatures. To me, it is important to know / feel I am appreciated. Not even that, it's the attention, that reassures me.

 

As a man, he knows objectively, that I am a hot woman. He is uneasy with that - not just my clothes, as I don't dress up as a slut... just enough to keep the imagination going... it's my attitude, the fact that I seem to enjoy it and that I am not playing it down.

 

As a man who sees an attractive women, he realizes that other men will hit on me. In all fairness, I do get approached quite often. This is what he is afraid of. Contact. He cannot accept that wanting/enjoying attention but not wanting/encouraging men to approach you - and consequently not making that happen - are two different things. The more time he spends with me, the more he understands that I am not frivolous.

 

I do try to hide that very well from him - and from the others .