candie13 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 my bf is not the most handsome man I've ever dated. He has an interesting personality, but above all, he is very insecure when it comes to our relationship. We are similar in many bad ways - both are stubborned and both are proud. This issue with insecurities pops us more and more and is affecting our relationship. I believe he is intimidated by me. I am indeed attractive and I am also coming from a culture where looks are important. I've never hidden that it is important for me to feel, to know that I am attractive. My bf asked me yesterday if I am dressing to please the eye or if I am dressing for myself. I told him that when I go out, yes, I may dress to please the eye. I like to see that other men find me attractive. However, I am not disrespectful. I have never approached a man myself. When I am dating, I am not giving off the sex vibes, I am not inviting to other men, I do not initiate contact, nor do I smile and encourage contact with other men. I am happy with my relationship. I am also happy with my sexuality and happy with my looks. My bf believes that because I am insecure about myself, I have this need to get confirmation from other people. I for sure enjoy receiving confirmation, but I am not dying to get it. I am not doing anything on purpose for that. I have a sunny, bubbly personality and that is what attracts people. It's like saying that I smile for people to like me. I am actually happy with myself, I therefore smile, therefore people like me. I dunno... he is a grown man, but I am feel that he is very influenced by his mother. His parents came over the week. I felt that he withdrew further more - that may be because we spent less time together. His mother does not want him to get married or have children. Ever. She keeps encouraging him to take time, explore the world, travel (also he already did that a LOT). Anyway... it's just... I am not sure he will ever trust me. I have NEVER done anything to make him unsure of myself, yet he always suspects the worst and pulls away. I made efforts to go towards him, to show him that I am taking him seriously and build our relationships, but I am feel the ground is shaky. In your opinion, do you think this can ever work out or am I wastin' my time? We've been together since beg of Jan - so we're 4 months , going on our 5th... no holiday plans, nothing. He mentioned once he wanted to go with me on a long weekend, but never came up with any dates. It's my birthday next month, so I proposed to go away for the weekend. As it will be on a Monday, I've asked if he can take the day off. I've proposed various destinations, was all excited. Turn out, he is traveling on that day. He only said "sorry". Did not say "let's reschedule" or "let's celebrate another time." It's also true he only told me about his travel arrangements around noon. I feel like I have all the signs in front of me. all red flags. I hate to lie to myself. you think this can work out or are we just too different?
hppr Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 People talk about attractiveness and insecurities but it usually ends up being more about having common interests and relationship goals. It sounds to me like you and he are going in different directions and wanting different things.
fortyninethousand322 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I'm insecure. I could date an attractive woman. But not too attractive, you know? Too much physical attractiveness can subtract from other aspects of one's life. I don't know OP, it doesn't sound like this is an issue you can't work out. Maybe you two are incompatible, but maybe not. 1
JuneJulySeptember Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 There's a difference between being attractive and needing to feel attractive all the time and have it be really important. I could never be with the latter. 1
BluEyeL Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Yes, I know of a married couple, good friends of mine. In this couple, the man is very insecure, due to problems he had in his childhood (bipolar mother who was sleeping around). He was completely irrational regarding his wife, who is definitely not the type to sleep around and is not too attractive either, nor dressing sexy. In time (years), he calmed down significantly, although he still has some weird ideas sometime. Their marriage is good after 12 years, although nothing is perfect. He is a great guy, and is not abusive or negative, so it works out. So it could work, however, I don't know that this is your main problem. The relationship is new and still needs to build up. Only the two of you know if you are willing and able to work out your differences and incompatibilities. Even in my friendships I had more bumps at the beginning, but in time things worked out when all parts wanted to and if the incompatibilities were not too great. I don't think we can read in your relationship situation from such a distance, only the two of you know the situation and can work it out (or not).
charlietheginger Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 He probably thinks your an attention whore and one day You will have a taller more attractive man then him come Along and leave him. 2
BluEyeL Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Just curious how you are dressing. Are you showing cleavage? I don't like women dressing sexually out in public. Nothing to do with me being insecure but I just don't want a woman like that. While you might not be flirting and such it can be a pain men gawking at you sexually. How would you expect a guy to feel? Well, but I'm sure she was dressing the same when he met her. So now he'd like her to dress differently it looks like.
BluEyeL Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 It's different though once she has a bf why would she need to get men's attention? Agreed, however, I think there are other issues in the relationship, other than this, and it is all still fragile. OP, I would take it down a notch with the sexiness, and see how you can work out your other differences, to find out if it's all worth it. Why do you feel you need to discuss these things anyway, how you like it when other men notice you etc. Don't think it's helping.
soccerrprp Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 candie13, there really isn't much you can do. you are an attractive woman, you want to look good and that is noticed by other men. i simply don't see that being a problem. but, you did say that you like to see that other men find you attractive. not certain if i would have said that to my gf or bf, but that adds to his insecurity. his insecurity is HIS insecurity. he should feel lucky to be with a very attractive woman, but if looks are so important in your culture, then I can see why he's a little nervous about you. he likely feels that you will find someone better looking...not unreasonable in his mind. i've had the privilege of dating some "hot" women and i simply bathe in the fact that she's with me and not another. i relish that moment, time and do my best to enjoy it. but here's another factor. is he aware, acknowledge that you are more attractive than he is? yes, right? well, when someone is at a loss to why another would be with him/her and has come to the conclusion that "you" may be out of his league and he's spending more time figuring our why you're with him instead of working on or focusing on the reasons why you are with him, then his insecurities grow. you can assure him until you're blue in the face, but the fact remains that you are more attractive to him and he is not dealing with that. i would say that if you want this to continue, that you continue to let him know, show him that you are into him for him and no one else. THAT'S ALL YOU CAN DO.
Author candie13 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 Depends on what exactly he is insecure about. Is it one thing? Or does he have underlying issues that need to be addressed and fixed ? Nope, no underlying issues that need fixing. For instance, we went out separately, me with my friends, him with his friends. I went to a friend's place, had drinks with some people there, and then, after 12, the whole group went clubbing. I went straight home - that's want I told my bf i would do. My bf, on the other hand, went out with this mates, and after a few beers, went with them to a singles' party, in a club. He texted around 1:30 to say it was crap. I was upset, because, IMO, if you're in a relationship, there are some things you just don't do: you can't really talk to your mates, in a club, can you? So what are you after? Anyway, I tend to see things a bit black and white, but I am extra careful when it comes to acting with respect towards your partner. My bf told me that I am too oldfashioned and that I should feel free to go out with my friends, clubbing included, if I care to. He will, too. So no, I am not wearing revealing clothes. I do not party hard. I do not get drunk. He knows these things He gets a bit jealous to see that I enjoy it, when I get some male attention, when I enter a room. I find that amusing. I think he is not sure if to believe me, when I say that I am not talking to strangers, when I go out, because I am often approached. He will never admit that he is doubting me or my acts, though... but this is what I think.
Author candie13 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 You are being disrespectful to your boyfriend and are so arrogant to think you can get away with it because you're attractive. I may learn smth, please explain just how I am disrespectful.
Author candie13 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 There's a difference between being attractive and needing to feel attractive all the time and have it be really important. I could never be with the latter. TOTALLY. I am so not the second. But... let me give you one example: if I went to a bar and I had no one checking me out, even if I'm with my friends, I would feel transparent. It's not about wanting to know I am the hottest thing on Earth. It's about getting male consideration. I just appreciate it when I get noticed. See the difference? That is exactly why I choose to wax my legs, walk on high heels and wear short jeans... you wouldn't think women do that for fun, did you? My only misfortune is that I do get that attention with little to no effort and I admit to enjoying it. FYI. I am not obscene, no big boobs, no low cleavage, no indecently short dresses. I have good taste when it comes to clothes, to the verge of being conservative. I am not a beauty magazine type of girl either. I'm ok. Because of my ballet past, the way I move may be more sensual, but that's about it. This where the "attractive" comes from. Otherwise, I'd just be fine for looks.
Author candie13 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 How would you like if many women were looking at your bf in a sexual way? yes, I would ! I feel secure, I know he is very attracted to me! So, actually, I'd love it if he got some female attention. Here's the weird thing: I would loooove to see women hitting on him, with me near him. I'd make fun of him, to see his ego boost, to see the look of pleasure in his eyes, because he'd enjoy it too. I believe all people like to receive confirmation. I think he is really sexy and if those women would know how giving he is in bed, they would through themselves at him like birds of prey. However: I would hate to see him initiating contact with other women. This is my biggest source of insecurities: I fear that, at some point, his insecurities will get the better of him and he might feel tempted to cheat, to demonstrate his sexual appealing-ness... to him and to me, as well . Cheating is THE DEALBREAKER for me. Dating, texts, emails to other women fall into the same category.
Author candie13 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 Just curious how you are dressing. Are you showing cleavage? I don't like women dressing sexually out in public. Nothing to do with me being insecure but I just don't want a woman like that. While you might not be flirting and such it can be a pain men gawking at you sexually. How would you expect a guy to feel? I don't dress provocatively. I just show up. I have a nice figure, so a pair of tight jeans is all it's needed to get attention. I tell you, it's not my choice of clothed or my looks, it's my personality and how I am - bubbly. I'll upload some pics, for a short while. Nothing too tragic, no Marylin Monroe, lol!
Author candie13 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 I knew a very hot woman she was my landlord's gf. She never had to dress sexy. She usually wore jeans. Never had to show cleavage either. She still got a lot of attention especially when she went to a club with her male friend. that's exactly it!!! But we are not at a stage where I can only go to clubs with him, you know what I mean? I feel his insecurities are preventing him from investing more and stepping to the next level. I am 32, I will turn 33 soon. For the moment, we are dating and having loads of fun. But I want more and I feel rejected, as I don't get that... so part of me sort of thinks it's my fault, another part wants to just leave and another part wants to stick around and see what happens next. One thing is sure: we'll be together for 5 months soon and the hols are here. Hot or not, looks or no looks, no plans together over the summer are... again, a dealbreaker. I just got no time to waste and it's breaking my heart...
Author candie13 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 Maybe he doesn't want an ego boost. Maybe he doesn't want that kind of attention. Are you the type to go out clubbing? I love dancing, so yes, I would go out, on normal basis. As I've said before, I haven't been clubbing since we started dating - except for once, for Valentine's Day when he went missing in action. I told him I would and yes, I had a fun St.V !
Author candie13 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 He probably thinks your an attention whore and one day You will have a taller more attractive man then him come Along and leave him. I think that, deep down, he thinks this, yes. The question is, irrespective of if I actually am one or not, can it work? can an insecure guy handle an appealing woman by his side.... ?
hppr Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I feel his insecurities are preventing him from investing more and stepping to the next level. I am 32, I will turn 33 soon. For the moment, we are dating and having loads of fun. But I want more and I feel rejected, as I don't get that... This is what I was talking about in my post, the 2nd or 3rd one in the thread, you must have missed it. If you want more then you have to tell him, you have to push for it. Marriage, kids, what? Tell him what you want. Your problems aren't dressing sexy, him being insecure, your problem is that the relationship is going one way, you want it to go another. 1
charlietheginger Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I think that, deep down, he thinks this, yes. The question is, irrespective of if I actually am one or not, can it work? can an insecure guy handle an appealing woman by his side.... ? Do you make him feel secure? Do you tell him how handsome he is Do you tell him you like his hair cut Do you tell him how great his body looks Do you tell him how great his penis feels inside you Do you tell him you him men look better as they age do you grab his hand in public and kiss him on the cheek When other guys are around......... Its not about him being insecure ITS ABOUT HIM FEELING INSECURE WITH YOU. what do you do is this "positive relationship thats a two party Effort to make him feel secure" 1
charlietheginger Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Really hot women are often headaches nothing but drama They want a guy that pays and supports them. I see really hot women with fancy clothes makeup hair I want no part of it.... Why? Becuase i dont wanna be the sucker that has to pay for All.that crap. Let someone else have the burden of keeping a trophy Wife polished and pretty. Ill take jeans and no makeup anyday 1
GravityMan Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Your boyfriend needs to grow a pair. It is that simple. A guy who is comfortable in his own skin would be perfectly fine with his girlfriend dressing and looking good (in a classy way) and giving off an attractive vibe while out in public with friends and strangers. Hell he'd probably like it. Sure, other men will take notice (because they are men and its in their nature) and approach, but so what? She's with him now. As long as she's rejecting the other guys (by mentioning her BF or whatever) if they make a move, her BF probably wouldn't give a damn. 2
sweetkiwi Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 You admit to being insecure and think he's insecure......... Sounds awful. No fun. I am kinda in this situation myself except it's an LDR and we're both very secure with ourselves and the relationship. Honestly if I were in your shoes (based off other posts about your relationship) I'd cut him faster than a barber does a fade. 2
Pompeii Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 That is exactly why I choose to wax my legs, walk on high heels and wear short jeans... you wouldn't think women do that for fun, did you? I wouldn't and couldn't tell. Based on how frigid some of the chicks I know are when it comes to overt male attention, I would think that they did it just because they felt like they had to.
sweetkiwi Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 I wouldn't and couldn't tell. Based on how frigid some of the chicks I know are when it comes to overt male attention, I would think that they did it just because they felt like they had to. If you're attractive male attention is going to happen no matter what. I am in jeans, no makeup, no cleavage, and have been out of my house for an hour and already got invited out three times. Feeling, looking, *being* sexy, IS SEXY. Why does it have to be for dudes???? If I was trying to be sexy for men I would dye my hair blonde and have a buttplug in 24/7 in plain sight. 2
Charlie Harper Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Dating insecure people men or women is a drag, and if you are handsome or hot, even worse. I used to have this UBER hot girlfriend, tall, leggy, blonde, green eyes, super body and a smile to kill for, but she was insecure as hell and jealous as I have never seen ever and since.... She used to check me out, to ask me and make long interrogatories about my whereabouts, and friends... all because I was middel of the raod handsome but very popular.... it was the longest 3 months of my life, nad to make it worse my friends thought that I was the luckiest guy alive because she was so hot.... Dont date losers or insecure people, they are a drag. Go and find someone who feels great that you are beautiful, that encourages you to bring the best of you and GROW... 1
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