LKell Posted September 24, 2004 Posted September 24, 2004 I found out about some photos my fiance took of me in a REALLY weird and embarrassing way. He called me to tell me that two detectives were at his house and wanted to ask me some questions. He had developed a roll of film at this store and the roll had pictures of children (clothed) as well as me (also clothed) and two of the photos were of a nude female w/o a face (photo was taken from the waist down) and the store is required by law to report stuff like this to the police re: child pornography. The detective asks me about the night in question. We had gone out drinking w/ a friend of his to celebrate an occasion and afterwards, my fiance and I went back to his house. He took some pictures of me fully clothed, then we had sex and I had immediately fallen asleep w/ my butt hanging out of the sheets. The subject of nude photographs had come up before, over the year and three mos. that we have dated: I had explicitly told him that I have never had nude pictures of myself taken and that I absolutely would NEVER do this unless I was married. Because I'd heard stories about boyfriends/ husbands showing nude pictures of their girlfriends/wives &/or posting them on the internet, etc. after they split up and that I ABSOLUTELY did not want pictures like that of me floating around for him to show people because he was pissed off. well, at that point (looking at me asleep) he knew he shouldn't take pictures but we have had a rocky relationship, he thought we might be breaking up soon and he wanted a "momento" and he'd been drinking. Trying to be as respectful as possible, he deliberately did not move or "pose" me and deliberately took the pictures w/o my face so there would be no connection to me. Then when he took them to be developed, he forgot about the pictures of me (b/c he was drunk when he took them), otherwise, I guess he would have taken them somewhere else (?). well, he has children and there were pictures of his children and their friends (fully clothed, of course) and b/c they were on the same roll, the detectives have to investigate (i.e. if the whole roll had been of me, the store wouldn't have called the police). well, naturally I'm completely shocked and freaking out. But I calmly tell them I don't know anything about the nude photos but that he would never take pictures like that of his or any other children, that he is a great father, has an excellent relationship w/ his kids, etc. and I give physical descriptions of how it should be obvious that the pictures are in fact of me. So after talking to me, the detectives were certain he was telling the truth (I saw them - they are of me), gave him the pictures, said there were no other copies (which is b.s. - I worked at a couple of film-processing places and the guys ALWAYS made copies of such pictures) and there would be nothing reported on the incident. After the detectives left, my fiance calls me, apologizes profusely, especially about the way I found out, was EXTREMELY embarrassed that two detectives had come to his house to question him re: child pornography, said he owed me "BIG time", how horrible he felt (I know he is sincerely sorry) and that he would do anything to make up for this screw-up. Yes, I was extremely pissed, for obvious reasons - the pictures showed much more than my butt (I was on my side and the angle was from below like a gynecologist's view but w/ my legs closed) and I was extremely embarrassed that the photo guys and the police had seen such personal pictures of me. We burned the negatives and I have forgiven him but I don't feel like I can completely trust him anymore, especially b/c he's always saying that we shouldn't have ANY secrets from each other - that we should tell each other EVERYTHING (which I think is ridiculous - I'm not going to tell him every little thing I do and think - only the important stuff) -- I think that's being very hypocritical. What should I do? We do have other major issues that I don't want to go into (thank god! you're probably saying:) but up until recently, trust was not one of them . Should I break it off?
tiki Posted September 24, 2004 Posted September 24, 2004 Is he pretty much good to you in all other aspects? And if a detective says child pornography, doesn't that mean child pornography? That didn't sound like child pornography to me.
Author LKell Posted September 24, 2004 Author Posted September 24, 2004 He is a good guy in general and I love him, but like everyone, he has his faults. Our other relationship issues are complicated and I don't really want to get into them. As far as the pictures go, it could have been a teenage girl under 18 (i.e. developed) as his daughter is older.
tiki Posted September 24, 2004 Posted September 24, 2004 I'd demand to see all of the pictures. Every single one. If a detective is involved, that is pretty serious. Just get to the bottom of it.
Adunaphel Posted September 24, 2004 Posted September 24, 2004 I can't give you advice about whether breaking it off or not - but surely in your situation I would have gotten p*ssed off big time. While deciding whether to forgive him or not, you might consider that *there was not your face in the picture*, which at least shows that: - he was not totally dumb, he protected your identity (well, he tried to), so the worst thing that could happen is that some guy from the photography store has a pic of your intimate parts framed in his bedroom(and this hypotetical guy will never know it is you). - he had no intention of blackmailing you, had you decided to dump him - he had (probably)no intention to show the pic to anyone. Even while disrespecting your wish that he should not take nude pics of you, he was respecting you enough to make sure that your worst fear (a naked pic of you being around) would not come true, since I guess that only you, or someone who has been intimate with you, could recognize you in the pic. Said that.......taking the negatives to a shop......that was *idiotic*!!!! (He'd deserve to be dumped for that alone. How could he be so careless??? If you really want to take nude pics, get a digital camera!!!!Or learn to develop pics!!!) Are you 100% positive there are no other pics of you around? I hope you can forgive him and the two of you can make things work. If you stay together, have you considered allowing him to take pics of you with a digital camera or a polaroid camera and destroying them immediately afterwards? Or: he takes the pics, you keep them.
Author LKell Posted September 24, 2004 Author Posted September 24, 2004 in response to "tikibrandy", sorry for the confusion - I have seen all the pictures and there are only two nude ones and they are of me. I meant that the pictures COULD have been of a teenage girl under 18, which is why the police had to investigate, but they weren't, they were of me. it's just gross b/c I don't understand why men like to look at just body parts (you know, like in porn) - it's totally degrading and de-humanizing - I would never take a picture just of a man's penis (w/o the man attached) to look at it later. I guess that sounds like I'm frigid or something - I'm most definitely not - just don't understand the obsession men have w/ parts, like close-ups in porn. ick. There's a lot of research that shows the kind of stuff women like to watch is "erotica" - women have to have a plot and men, well, they like "action" and don't care if there's a plot. And then there's the trust issue - he took those pictures after I specifically said I have and would never allow nude pictures to be taken of me and then not telling me, after he goes on and on about how we shouldn't have any secrets. now I'm getting pissed again. God, I hate men sometimes! they really are all alike, I swear! and they say we're all alike. hmm.
Author LKell Posted September 24, 2004 Author Posted September 24, 2004 Adunaphel, well, no, I'm now not completely 100% that there are no other pictures of me - I mean, even an ex could have done the same thing and I never found out or I suppose my fiance could have others that I don't know about but I don't think so. and yes, he was stupid to take them to a shop. but like I told my fiance, child pornographers do not take their pictures to the drugstore for developing - they either have a lab or know other pornographers to develop them or ohmigod - digital cameras have made pornography extremely easy to develop and distribute. the only kind of nude pictures I would ever allow to be taken would be tasteful artsy-fartsy black & white nudes - not frickin' Penthouse pictures. again - ugh!
knight56 Posted September 24, 2004 Posted September 24, 2004 It was not child porn so what is the big deal?
Author LKell Posted September 24, 2004 Author Posted September 24, 2004 knight56: well, I know I'm long-winded so maybe you didn't read everything. My fiance and I had discussed this subject in particular and I said VERY specifically and emphatically that I have not and WOULD NEVER have nude pictures of myself taken unless I was married. also, he always goes on and on about how we shouldn't have ANY secrets, which I do not agree w/ but that is not referring to this kind of situation. I mean like private thoughts or things in the past that don't matter and have no bearing on our relationship. I mean when you're in a relationship, you have to let a lot of things go so I don't tell him EVERY single frickin' time I'm peaved about something - that's what I mean about keeping secrets, not this. This is a big deal in terms of secrecy. First he takes pictures of me w/o my consent after the subject had already been thoroughly discussed AND he didn't tell me. And then he was stupid and got caught. I probably never would have known otherwise. so the big deal is TRUST. I don't want to be sexist here but maybe you don't understand feeling violated since you're a guy. also, the pictures were not of just my butt, which wouldn't have been a big deal or even just my boobs, which would have been a bigger deal than my butt, but these pictures are like Penthouse pictures. understand?
Mr Spock Posted September 25, 2004 Posted September 25, 2004 He did something to you without permission-actually, something you were vehmently against. He's a f*cker. Get rid of him.
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